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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

5 years..... no ring

143 replies

LadyBrooks · 14/09/2014 18:57

Been with dp for 10 years... 5 years ago he presented me with a charm bracelet with a ring on telling me that him proposing was just around the corner. It never materialised... I got pregnant and had our daughter... still no ring..... months go by... no ring. Got pregnant again... awful pregnancy and was told that he would be proposing literally day after I gave birth.. never happened. My son is now 14 months of age. Three months ago he told me I only had two months to wait... never happened. He says he wants to marry but has to be done the right way.
Tonight I have got so upset about it I have actually told him he has ruined the whole thing so much i dont even want to do it. I feel like I am grieving my dream.... what can i do?

OP posts:
George9978 · 15/09/2014 15:19

I think if you marry whilst you both have little financially or similar it's easier.
The longer a relationship carries on whilst one has more money, the harder it is for the richer partner to put themselves at risk of losing it.

I can't help think he will just not want to expose himself to risk, the fact that your going through a rough patch will just make this more pertinent to him.

Your strong and can bounce back and look after yourself and your babies.

noddyholder · 15/09/2014 15:43

They are still a family regardless. Someone said he wasn't prepared to make them a family. I am not married but we are a family. Obviously if they don't have the piece of paper then she is at risk if she doesn't have a career plan and her own money.

Original poster
LadyBrooks · 15/09/2014 16:16

I am dreading him coming home, I dont even know what to say to him.The fact he hasnt text me or emailed me all day says alot.
He seems to be putting the blame on me. Very strange

OP posts:
Fairenuff · 15/09/2014 17:08

He sounds like a controlling man. Putting the blame on you doesn't sound strange considering everything else that's been going on, it sounds about right for him.

Original poster
LadyBrooks · 15/09/2014 17:21

Oh he is controlling, he is always saying there can't be two people who are alpha in the relationship. He doesnt like it when I question him and thinks raising his voice is going to make me shut up. It doesnt.... it used to 10 years ago when I was a younger woman, but now I am older and more self assured, I know to trust my gut when it is telling me something is not right... and something isnt right.
Infact since the second affair I definitely lost respect for him and there was a shift in the way I speak to him and the way we interact. I dont take his verbal crap anymore and he hates it. Tough tits...

OP posts:
Hodgepig · 15/09/2014 17:22

If he doesn't want to marry you, don't marry him. You're a sensible, practical, pleasant woman. Put the legal practicalities in place that befit the father of your children. Assume you won't marry him and if you see another man you like / could marry, go for it.

MsAnthropic · 15/09/2014 17:38

Good luck for tonight and well done for the decisive action of making that appointment. You're sounding more and more like you're not going to put up with this anymore and are asserting yourself. Good Smile

Original poster
LadyBrooks · 15/09/2014 17:43

I certainly am, he has messed about with me for too long. I am over it now.

OP posts:
Itsfab · 15/09/2014 17:56

Rather concerning I was thinking about today and my thought was "I want another child" actually is the prelude to promising again that he will propose after this baby, after you have completed your children or any other bollocks reason.

Itsfab · 15/09/2014 18:06

One alpha person?! Hmm Of course you know that is bollocks. A true relationship is equal.

Zucker · 15/09/2014 18:10

WHen I told him last night I did not want to get married his response
"At last, does this mean you will stop going on about it"

And you still think this guy is someone to be with? He's strung you along forever and you speak of him with such contempt. He is showing his contempt for you. It's not an endurance test you don't have to be together at all.

Zucker · 15/09/2014 18:11

WTF after his second affair!! you're still there?

morethanpotatoprints · 15/09/2014 18:16

You don't love him, he treats you like shit, why are you still there, let alone worrying about him proposing?
You can do so much better than this, why do you stay?

Gen35 · 15/09/2014 18:30

Why would you stay if he won't put you on the house deeds at least? You are risking a penniless old age op. He sounds horrible, perhaps he's a good dad and no one wants to split, but say it happens 10 years down the line, that's 10 more years of no savings for yourself, no payments towards a mortgage you have equity in, no financial security. As far as I can tell, he's getting cheap childcare and you're getting fed day to day and that's it. Shouldn't be good enough for you.

SolidGoldBrass · 15/09/2014 18:31

You would definitely be better off without this man. He considers you a domestic servant and a breeding machine. Do a little quiet research about the house, finances, any benefits you would get as a single parent etc and make sure you have all the facts handy before you tell him that you no longer want to marry him or live with him and that the relationship is over. A controlling, woman-hating man like this will tell you that he will get custody of the children and he will throw you into the street penniless, or that he will have you locked up for being mentally ill, or just that you will never manage without him. It will all be bullshit but it's helpful to know this as you disengage from him. Good luck.

Original poster
LadyBrooks · 16/09/2014 09:22

UPDATE: I told him I wanted to visit a solicitor, he simply laughed at me and told me to stop being so silly.
He said he has every intention of us getting married and when he does propose Im going to feel very silly for ruining it all by banging on about it so much. I explained that the false expectations had created this situation ..... not me. He was just totally dismissive and didnt want to listen.

OP posts:
AttilaTheMeerkat · 16/09/2014 09:26

Go to the Solicitor regardless.

Yet more rubbish from him unsurprisingly.

Time to start planning your exit from this relationship. You have two children I grant you but they are the only good things that have come out of this relationship. You need to carefully consider your own future within this at all because there is really no future at all for you if you were to stay.

Gen35 · 16/09/2014 09:27

Follow through with your plan today then, get the appt booked and find out where you stand. Stick to your guns, he's had plenty of time to do all of this already, this is just yet more attempt at manipulation, making your partner feel guilty and stupid isn't the act of a nice bloke.

Whereisegg · 16/09/2014 09:35

Jeeez he sounds vile, I'm sorry op but he is stringing you along.
I think you need to start a Get Out Fund asap Thanks

CultureSucksDownWords · 16/09/2014 09:35

I hope you can see that he's trying to dangle the proposal "carrot" in front of you to try and keep you in line. If he had every intention of marrying you, he's had plenty of time to do so and to make it perfect.

It's horrible for your supposed partner to laugh at you and talk to you like you are a child. Who tells another adult "don't be so silly"?! So dismissive and patronising.

Chunderella · 16/09/2014 09:53

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Sabrinnnnnnnna · 16/09/2014 10:22

Tell him you still need to see a solicitor about wills even if you do get married. (But 5 Years??! You've been pretty patient!)

Agree with a poster upthread - you have no equality in your relationship. A marriage is two equal partners, there doesn't have to be one who 'wears the pants" - he's just got you servicing him domestically and raising his children, without any of the legal protections of marriage.

Don't have another child with him.

Itsfab · 16/09/2014 10:42

Hang on, I thought he was happy that you didn't want to marry him anymore as you would stop going on about it.

You would be a total fool to stay with this man. He is vile to you. Calls you names and thinks you are beneath him as he has this huge magic proposal to bestow on you when he deems you have served him enough to deserve it.

Do not get pregnant, stop doing all domestic crap for him and get yourself to the solicitor asap or else accept your shit life and stop moaning.

I expect it goes like this in your house

You shop, cook, clean, do the washing, all the childcare, fuck him

He eats the food, dirties the clothes, maybe speaks to the kids occasionally, lets you.

Come on love. You deserve better.

I know what it is to want marriage and kids. I had a shit, abusive childhood and wanted the security that I thought marriage would bring and children so I would have love to give and receive. It worked out well for me but it will not work out with this man. He just doesn't think you are good enough to be his wife. Well let e suggest he isn't anywhere remotely good enough to be your husband.

Itsfab · 16/09/2014 10:54

Your update has just reminded me about what happened with me.

I knew very quickly that DH was the one for me and proposed with it being leap year. He said no as we hadn't even been together two months by then Grin. He knew why I was insecure and made me feel loved and important to him (do you feel like that about your partner?) One morning I was moaning in bed about how it was hard not to think about it on a weekend when I wasn't busy with work. The next words out of his mouth were will you marry me? I made him ask again so it was real and then again on one knee to make doubly sure and he was and we were then engaged and married 9 months later.

If he was genuine he would do as DH did and propose. DH had had the ring a few weeks and had planned to ask me imminently but just did it maybe a few hours earlier than he thought he would. Your guy just is not going to marry you Sad and after all this i can't understand why you would want to even be with him.

Granville72 · 16/09/2014 10:55

And you seriously want to be with this and marry him?

Don't lower yourself love, you can do better than that, even if it's on your own as a single parent