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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

5 years..... no ring

143 replies

LadyBrooks · 14/09/2014 18:57

Been with dp for 10 years... 5 years ago he presented me with a charm bracelet with a ring on telling me that him proposing was just around the corner. It never materialised... I got pregnant and had our daughter... still no ring..... months go by... no ring. Got pregnant again... awful pregnancy and was told that he would be proposing literally day after I gave birth.. never happened. My son is now 14 months of age. Three months ago he told me I only had two months to wait... never happened. He says he wants to marry but has to be done the right way.
Tonight I have got so upset about it I have actually told him he has ruined the whole thing so much i dont even want to do it. I feel like I am grieving my dream.... what can i do?

OP posts:
Rosa · 16/09/2014 11:06

After the second affair ????? Sorry but that is 1 or 2 too many in my book . I wouldn't even want to be marrying this man .....

Original poster
LadyBrooks · 16/09/2014 11:21

Actually when it comes to the kids I cannot fault him as a father. He shares the duties when he is home and he does his fair share. He is an amazing father, one I couldnt wish more for my kids.
I am just going to hoard my money so I am in a financially strong position and then I will make moves.
I just wrote him an email detailing why I am upset, so he isnt able walk out or talk over me when he doesnt like what I am saying. He cant escape an email.

OP posts:
Gen35 · 16/09/2014 14:56

Yes although it's not legally binding. What he is as a dad is separate from what he's offering you, which is no financial security or savings for your old age. He can be a great dad without you being together and him taking financial advantage of you. Don't let this go on, you need to get some up to date qualifications and a job with prospects so you can start savings up. A leaving fund is all very well but don't take too long to save it up.

noddyholder · 16/09/2014 15:51

No woman should make it another's responsibility to provide financial security and savings for their old age just as no man should.What about making yourself financially stable no matter what. It can be done

Losingmyreligion · 16/09/2014 16:05

Noddy, the OP has 3 young children. I assume that in happier times both parents decided how best to provide for and raise their children. It wasn't so much 'her' making it 'his' responsibility as the two of them acting like a 'family'. In any case she is now working from home and saving money.

Gen35 · 16/09/2014 16:16

Yes, language aside, op's dp is getting free childcare, and while op may be saving some, she's got no equity in the house and isn't saving as fast as she could if she were not doing all the childcare. Usually when people are married, if one person works less, they accrue assets in the marriage together and of they split they should be equally shared. Sah while not being married is being a mug unless the non-sah parent is actually paying the sah parent for the childcare as if it were a job to allow them to make relevant savings.

Pensionerpeep · 16/09/2014 16:30

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
LadyBrooks · 16/09/2014 16:54

I am not trotting out any line PensionerPeep .. someone made a comment that was incorrect. Would you like me to lie and say he is a shit father aswell as a shit partner? Sorry he isnt. Credit where credit is due... and a big fat legal agreement where it is not

OP posts:
Vitalstatistix · 16/09/2014 17:12

So he's had at least 2 affairs, he considers himself the senior partner in your relationship, he bullies and controls you, shouts at you and makes empty promises.

I'm amazed that even a tiny part of you actually wants to marry him.

Being a good father is not merely about changing nappies when you happen to be around.

It is about modelling the behaviour that you want your children to grow up to copy. That includes the way they treat and/or are treated by their partner. Nobody who treats their partner badly can reasonably be called a good parent when they are modelling bullying behaviours to their children.

If he wanted to marry you - he would. He is full of shit. He is saying what he thinks will keep you around and keep you quiet. I hope you do manage to get yourself into a strong legal position, you will probably need it.

EhricLovesTheBhrothers · 16/09/2014 18:17

I can hardly believe you still want to marry him after his horrible treatment of your where is your self respect?

FinnsMum19 · 16/09/2014 19:26

If he proposed to you tomorrow, what would you say?

Itsfab · 16/09/2014 20:10

A good father treats the mother of his children with respect. Minimum.

SandInMySandwiches · 18/09/2014 21:31

This sounds like me except I was also emotionally blackmailed into a termination.

He left after years of 'when the time is right' bullshit. I'm now 36, most likely too old to have babies by the time I put all of this behind me.
Really, it has left me an empty husk.

Please don't make the same mistake.

BoldFossil · 18/09/2014 23:19

I was with a man like this and I had two children with him. I felt a lot of what you're feeling now. grief that I'd never get married.

I am so glad I left. I'm ok now financially and it's nothing to do with him. I am happy and independent.

That feeling of grief for the conservative mainstream dream, it goes, promise you. So so so glad I didn't marry him now just for 'security'. Like a lot of these men, he only wanted to marry me after I left him.

BoldFossil · 18/09/2014 23:24

I wonder if he even reads the email. I sent my x so many emails, I used to think, If I jsut explain it a bit better......... he won't fail to see my pov.

but he did fail to see my pov, because it was at odds with his agenda, which was to keep his options open and protect his assets whilst simultaneously enjoying all the benefits of having a wife at home. and i was a sahm stuck with all the childcare too. It's a really hard corner to get out of once you're back in to it.

SandInMySandwiches · 19/09/2014 00:17

Yes, BoldFossil, I know what you mean. I sent so many emails, letters, was reasonable, giving him 'space'. I sound like a nightmare, but really, it wasn't like that. I tried to give him what he wanted but i could never measure up.

Theoldhag · 19/09/2014 09:22

Wow this 'man' really does believe that he has a golden cock!

Op I fear that you should have an exit strategy in place, even if it is not used at the moment.

Original poster
LadyBrooks · 19/09/2014 11:05

Things have gone from bad to worse...
All started this morning when he started complaining we dont have enough sex. To be honest, since I caught him having an emotional affair with the girl at work the last thing I have wanted to do is have sex with him. We havent had sex in two weeks, we usually only have it every couple of weeks.
He told me today he isnt happy because of this, when I told him the reason why... because of his past behaviour.. his response was "oh here we go.. same old record" and "how do i know you havent done it to me, you are here all day on your own" yes with two kids under the age of 3. I wouldnt have the energy to have an affair even I wanted too.
He also said there is enough walking about town for him to be getting on with.. utterly disgusting. He then went out... so I took it upon myself to look through his phone that he left behind.
I found in his photos section that he has been taking video of women walking around the underground in their heels?!?!! THere is also a video of him wanking into a woman's shoe in the toilet at his work. Probably that girls shoe.
I am sitting here feeling totally sick to my stomach. I have no job, only £3000 to my name and no family around. What do I do now?

OP posts:
Sabrinnnnnnnna · 19/09/2014 11:35

Oh love. I would start a new thread about what you found on the phone tbh - you will get excellent support on here from people that really know what they're talking about.

This man isn't going to be faithful to you, let alone marry you. So sorry Thanks

BoldFossil · 19/09/2014 11:37

i was in your shoes 7 years ago.

i'm glad that you no longer want to marry him. he's not worthy of you.

x

TheXxed · 19/09/2014 11:40

Lady I am so sorry this is happening to you. Please don't feel trapped you have options.Thanks

BoldFossil · 19/09/2014 11:40

I had nowhere to go and no money when I got there, but I left anyway. I knew I HAD to start the rest of my life some time. so, I had to get on with it. I am really happy now. I was in your shoes once but without the 3k.
I can pm you if you'd like. I am really rooting for you to leave.

BoldFossil · 19/09/2014 11:41

You've come A LONG WAY in the last few days. YOu've gone from boo hoo he won't marry me to the realisation that You couldn't possibly marry him.

That is a big step.

Granville72 · 19/09/2014 11:47

Oh dear. Do you have family or a close friend near by?

Personally, I'd be out of there very quickly. He sounds a right sleaze bag and has absolutely no respect for you.

hellymelly · 19/09/2014 11:51

He sounds horrible. Controlling, creepy and dismissive of you. Why would you want to marry someone like this? Throw him out, but get legal advice first.