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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

5 years..... no ring

143 replies

LadyBrooks · 14/09/2014 18:57

Been with dp for 10 years... 5 years ago he presented me with a charm bracelet with a ring on telling me that him proposing was just around the corner. It never materialised... I got pregnant and had our daughter... still no ring..... months go by... no ring. Got pregnant again... awful pregnancy and was told that he would be proposing literally day after I gave birth.. never happened. My son is now 14 months of age. Three months ago he told me I only had two months to wait... never happened. He says he wants to marry but has to be done the right way.
Tonight I have got so upset about it I have actually told him he has ruined the whole thing so much i dont even want to do it. I feel like I am grieving my dream.... what can i do?

OP posts:
CleanLinesSharpEdges · 15/09/2014 12:55

Well I personally think you should breathe a huge sigh of relief that you aren't married.

I'd be telling him to never ever dare even attempt to discuss 'The Big Proposal' with me again.

Your plan is sound, you're doing the right things - See a solicitor, get the legalities sorted out in case he drops dead, keep on with your home business, squirrel as much money away as you can. But please do insist that you are added to the deeds of the house.

TheVeryThing · 15/09/2014 12:56

It seems clear that he does not want to marry you.
He would like to blame you for this to avoid taking responsibility for his own feelings.
It is easier for him to say that you have spoiled it than to admit that he doesn't want to get married.

I know some people don't agree with marriage and it is no reflection on their comittment to their partner.

Do you think he is in this category?
Are you happy to continue in the relationship without getting married?

This must be very tough for you but at least now you can take back some control and decide what you want to do.

Original poster
LadyBrooks · 15/09/2014 13:01

I feel like I am about to grieve the dream of what I always wanted. I will definitely need time to get over it... but unless there is an incident with another woman I would not walk away from the relationship or the family we have built. I am really thinking about having some time away from him because right now I cant even look at him.
Yes I do need some kind of control back, I will squirrel money away and not leave myself so vulnerable as I have done previously.
I just wish he had been honest about things instead of all these lies of false hopes.

OP posts:
firesidechat · 15/09/2014 13:02

WHen I told him last night I did not want to get married his response
"At last, does this mean you will stop going on about it"

So that confirms it then. All that talk of the perfect proposal next week, next month, on a full moon were total rubbish and a nasty, deceitful way to make you shut up.

Even without the affairs he is a nasty piece of work and I would ltb. I don't think I've ever said that before, so I don't say it lightly.

ArsenicFaceCream · 15/09/2014 13:03

OP is yours the DP who owns your home and his mother's home?

BringMeTea · 15/09/2014 13:07

OP I had assumed he was party to the meeting. Your update shows that he is a cruel man. You really need the legal side sewn up though. Do you think he will accede? God I hope so. Then get rid. Really good luck.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 15/09/2014 13:11

"I feel like I am about to grieve the dream of what I always wanted. I will definitely need time to get over it... but unless there is an incident with another woman I would not walk away from the relationship or the family we have built".

This is all built on sand. You may be emotionally invested and the children likely have his surname, these two children are the only good to have come out of this relationship.

Quite apart from anything else he has cheated twice to your knowledge. Do you not think you have already been treated shabbily enough by him already?. He is already not worthy of you. Also staying with this man will lead to more resentment and doing so also stops you from meeting someone new.

I think for the above reasons that this particular course of action is a mistake and serves only to sell yourself short even more.

You need to look at you; why did you take him back after these affairs?.

What do you want to teach your children about relationships here, surely not this role model of one.

Lala83 · 15/09/2014 13:14

LadyBrooks, please play it clever tonight. Don't let your emotions get in the way of the solicitors appointment. I would be getting on the deeds for sure, he owes you that, but I would NOT be discussing the ins and outs before the solicitors. Just say, I've booked an appointment with solicitor so the whole marriage thing is not such an issue for us. This is to protect the children in the event of our deaths. He is bound to not want to go as is clearly a commitment phobe, but the main thing now is to protect yourself and your kids financially. Then in the meeting you can make it seem entirely reasonable that in the event of separation, you would need to be on the deeds, etc, etc. Staying at home with children is a job, and childcare costs a hell of a lot of money. This guy needs to start facing reality but please be really careful on what you say tonight and whatever wheedling it takes, get him to that solicitor!! I promise you he will put up a fight so be really cool about it and make it seem really unreasonable of him to not be acting in the children's interests.

Original poster
LadyBrooks · 15/09/2014 13:19

Thats great Lala... Thanks so much! I will def do that

AttilaTHeMeetkat... I should have never taken him back after he first one but for some reason I was hell bent on making it work The second time I found out I was cradling a two week old baby and I she was my priority.. leaving him just seemed like something I couldnt cope with as I had just had a baby after quite a horrendous birth.

OP posts:
George9978 · 15/09/2014 13:31

I don't think he will put you on the deeds, sorry, he is safe and secure and won't give that up. Marriage is just the same as putting you on the deeds. My guess is he knows what he would stand to loose.

I would take a big step away from him, sort out your finances and leave him. If he seriously loves you he will offer you a wedding, otherwise your better off without him. He's strung you along for five years, marriage is an agreement between two adults, it's old fashioned it wait for a man to decide when you get married.

Original poster
LadyBrooks · 15/09/2014 13:34

I think you are probably right, he wont want to do that. Not sure what I can do about that much really.

OP posts:
tribpot · 15/09/2014 13:37

It's not about 'taking its course' though. This is not some inexplicable whimsy of nature that might happen or might not, you just agree it and then you do it. Beyond that he has made specific, timebound promises (day after your ds was born) which he has failed to carry through.

Itsfab · 15/09/2014 13:39

What a horrible man and having read the latest posts my comment about blaming you was right.

I would get yourself to the solicitor but not for seeing where you would stand if he left you or died but for how things will be when he leaves you.

He has treated you and your children disgracefully. He didn't marry you as it matters too much to him that he doesn't want to waste it on you but he doesn't give a shit about kids being secure as it seems to be he will be off when he meets Miss Shiny New Boobs and will be free to marry her. Less messy if it is just kids he is walking out on and not a wife.

Don't give him the satisfaction. Get in first and leave or else accept this is your life and stop complaining. Harsh but realistic.

noddyholder · 15/09/2014 13:42

Now that you have elaborated I think you have had a lucky escape

Original poster
LadyBrooks · 15/09/2014 13:47

And do you want to hear another joke.... he wants another kids too. That came out also.

OP posts:
Itsfab · 15/09/2014 13:49

You said you would leave if there is another woman. Why? You have forgiven him twice already, you know it is shit and it hurts. Why put yourself through it again as it will happen again. When you won't STFU when he has told you too.

Itsfab · 15/09/2014 13:52

Why does he want another child? He isn't looking after the mother of the ones he has so clearly doesn't care about them.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 15/09/2014 14:00

He probably wants another child (which will likely have his surname as well) to keep you further barefoot and pregnant.

I would agree with this comment from Itsfab:-

"I would get yourself to the solicitor but not for seeing where you would stand if he left you or died but for how things will be when he leaves you"

It is not beyond the realms of possibility that he will fight you all the way now.

It would not also surprise me if he did leave and say within a year of doing that actually marries. You were and are to him the "she will do for now" woman.

You wanted so much to make this work that you put up with his affairs; a decision you likely now regret bitterly. He was never as committed as you were to this relationship.

HumblePieMonster · 15/09/2014 14:03

OP, I'm sorry you're having a hard time.
Sack this loser. Establish yourself independently of a man. Then, as you wish, take lovers. If you find someone you think you might want to marry, get the ring before you have the babies.

NotYouNaanBread · 15/09/2014 14:08

On reflection, based on your subsequent posts, I think he simply doesn't see himself with you for the rest of your lives. You're basically his girlfriend, and he is leaving himself free to marry when the right woman comes along.

If you leave him, you are NOT breaking up your family. He has refused to ever MAKE you a family.

He is horrible and is not interested in your happiness or security.

Do what you are doing re. the solicitor and earning as much money as humanly possible (without his knowledge) but do it with the view that you are preparing to strike out on your own.

And in the meantime, use 8 different kinds of contraception.

noddyholder · 15/09/2014 14:09

I don't think you need to be married to be a family nor related for that matter

AdoraBell · 15/09/2014 14:12

Another child makes it even harder, in his mind, for OP to leave.

Something my mother always told me was never have more than 1 because no one will help you if you 2. Imagine having three, absolutely impossible to get away from the kitchen sink never mind cope with life without him there to prop her upHmm. and in the meantime he's the fab bloke who is supporting his live in girlfriend and 3 kids. What a catch.

OP I would strongly suggest you refuse to have another child with this man. Also think you should leave but if you prefer not then definitely get legalities sorted out.

MsAnthropic · 15/09/2014 14:17

I don't think you need to be married to be a family nor related for that matter
That's nice, but the cold reality of it is that law judges OP's relationship to her partner in one way, and one way only. She is not married to him and therefore does not have the same automatic protection and rights that she would have if she were married.

(This is changing very slowly, by the way, through some judgements by Baroness Hale of the Supreme Court but I certainly wouldn't take my chances. Those are unusual cases and the law stands as what it is.)

gymboywalton · 15/09/2014 14:22

sorry to sounds like my mother but why would he buy the cow when he gets the milk for free?
you have stayed with him despite his broken promises, you have had a daughter with him-i assume you live with him....what is he going to gain by marrying you?

I know i am old fashioned but i see so many women on here sad and upset because the fathers of their babies don't want to marry them...
level of commitment should the main thing addressed before you even think of having children.

Granville72 · 15/09/2014 14:32

Why would you want to marry someone that has been unfaithful twice?

I can see how badgering or 'keep going on' at someone (if that's what you have been doing) can spoil the spontaneity of proposal. And again, why would you want to say yes to someone that feels they've been badgered in to asking the question?

If he really, truly, wanted to marry you, he would have asked you already