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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

5 years..... no ring

143 replies

LadyBrooks · 14/09/2014 18:57

Been with dp for 10 years... 5 years ago he presented me with a charm bracelet with a ring on telling me that him proposing was just around the corner. It never materialised... I got pregnant and had our daughter... still no ring..... months go by... no ring. Got pregnant again... awful pregnancy and was told that he would be proposing literally day after I gave birth.. never happened. My son is now 14 months of age. Three months ago he told me I only had two months to wait... never happened. He says he wants to marry but has to be done the right way.
Tonight I have got so upset about it I have actually told him he has ruined the whole thing so much i dont even want to do it. I feel like I am grieving my dream.... what can i do?

OP posts:
MsAnthropic · 15/09/2014 09:42

He's upset with you because you're rocking the boat! You're asking him to make good on his promises, but he has been counting on you accepting that empty words were good enough Sad

He doesn't want to get married and he definitely does not want you to force him to admit it. I'm really sorry.

So what are you going to do?

noddyholder · 15/09/2014 09:45

It sounds like he loves you but marriage is not a big deal to him.

firesidechat · 15/09/2014 10:14

Then he should have been upfront about this noddy and not lied to the op, which is what this comes down to. LadyBrooks had children with this man, thinking that marriage was on the cards at some point. It appears that she was wrong, but that's not her fault.

firesidechat · 15/09/2014 10:15

Oh and I think marriage is a big deal to him. That's the problem.

noddyholder · 15/09/2014 10:33

I agree but having children is a huge commitment and she should have insisted on marriage if it was a deal breaker. I still think its just not that important to him to be married and so he is digging his heels in a bit as so many years have passed. Why can't the OP just say lets do it on X date? Why does it have to be a big to do Its a financial and legal arrangement that gives protections that some see as important so he should honour that side of it Romance and love are a completely separate thing imo

CogitoErgoSometimes · 15/09/2014 10:37

"he is full of good intentions "

So is the Road to Hell... Hmm I agree with people saying to circumvent the whole marriage proposal thing, book an appointment with a solicitor and make sure that you and the DCs are protected financially in the event of a split, death or other catastrophe. You're high and dry at the moment.

Original poster
LadyBrooks · 15/09/2014 10:39

I am a satm... I dont have the money to book dates etc he has all the power in that area.
I just feel so let down by him. I feel quite different towards him. He has ruined the whole excitement for it. I literally dont have anything to say to him but I dont know how to move forward now. Im really clueless

OP posts:
Original poster
LadyBrooks · 15/09/2014 10:39

I actually feel resentful towards him

OP posts:
getthefeckouttahere · 15/09/2014 10:48

Am i the only one who thinks this behaviour is cruel controlling and advanced headfuckery?? If he doesn't want to get married fine, just say so, but the earnest promising and then withholding strikes me as something far more sinister. Red Flag, Red Flag!!!

Itsfab · 15/09/2014 10:52

How does it sound like he loves her noddy? FFS someone who loves you doesn't hurt you and if they did they certainly don't do it again and again!

OP - you saying you don't even want to do it now has given him EXACTLY what he wanted as he can now say it is YOU that doesn't want to get married.

firesidechat - big deal how? He wants to be sure it will be forever? Why the fuck have kids then if you have doubts?

CogitoErgoSometimes · 15/09/2014 10:56

"I dont have the money to book dates etc he has all the power in that area. "

By 'power' do you mean he controls all the finances? Is this ... just possibly... another mean-spirited, money-squirreling arse who thinks marriage = divorce = getting taken to the cleaners?

Chunderella · 15/09/2014 11:03

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

NotYouNaanBread · 15/09/2014 11:06

You need to decide if you want to get married or not. If it's not a big deal to you, then tell him to stop fiddling around with these empty promises, that you are confident in the permanence of your relationship without a ring etc. but you need to sort some paperwork out regarding your position re. the house etc. Then get onto that by the end of this week.

If you DO want to get married, and do not wish to stay together otherwise, then you need to accept that he does NOT want to get married to you, but has been manipulating you for years, and you are looking at breaking up at some point in the near future. This is not the end of the world, but it is very alarming that you don't have sufficient access to funds to book a registry office ceremony (less than £100) - you need to sort that out right away by going back to work.

Whatever you decide, you need to get some financial independence. You cannot be a SAHM for somebody who is not married to you. You are giving up your earning power AND you have no rights to his property or money, which remains HIS property & money because he is not married to anybody. You are extremely vulnerable, esp. if he is now giving you the silent treatment because you questioned him last night.

Incidentally, if he does agree to get engaged (and what does he think that means? you've been engaged for years already!), a) he is going to push to set a date in 2018 or something, and b) he is going to hold over you indefinitely the idea that you "forced" him into it.

SolidGoldBrass · 15/09/2014 11:11

He doesn't want to get married because this idea of 'The Proposal' is his dog-whistle. When he wants you to indulge or obey him in some way, he hints that The Proposal is imminent. When he wants to punish you or put you in your place, he tells you that he was going to give you The Proposal but you have spoilt the moment - and must therefore put extra effort into appeasing him and giving him everything he wants for the foreseeable future.
If he actually marries you, he's lost that advantage. That's why it's not going to happen.

tribpot · 15/09/2014 11:15

So (not surprisingly) there are bigger control issues than just the proposal. What money do you have access to?

Why don't you just ask him to marry you?

Original poster
LadyBrooks · 15/09/2014 11:18

I have made an appointment for us to go and see our solicitors... this Friday when he is at home. I dont want to marry him now but he needs to show me that he is making sure our children are financially stable if indeed he dies or leaves. I dont want his money or the house.
I have actually started a home business that matches his income, he just doesnt know it yet. I have started storing money so that I have a cushion, and I will keep doing it now. I really do feel quite different towards him, I dont know if this is salvagable. I also stood by him when he cheated on me with his ex about 7 years ago and also had an emotional affair with a woman at his work. This is the final straw for me. I just want my kids future stable... the more I think about it the angrier I feel.

OP posts:
NotYouNaanBread · 15/09/2014 11:30

That's a great start and well done on the business - that's a fantastic achievement (I wish my own home business actually made some money!).

However, but you need to drop the idea of "I don't want his money or his house". As long as you are staying at home, rearing HIS children and cleaning HIS house, you are fully entitled to a share of this. YOU are the reason he is not forking out thousands for childcare, cleaners and all the other things that you do for free every day. What would all this cost if you just upped and left it all behind? By saying "I don't want his money or his house", you are setting your value at precisely ZERO.

GET ON THOSE DEEDS.

BringMeTea · 15/09/2014 11:31

Well OP. I feel for you. As others have said get the legalities nailed down at the very least. If he is happy to do this then I suppose the marriage question can wait. Is he happy about the solicitor's meeting? Sounds like a lot of messing with your head and emotions over the years. Now you have children and are very vulnerable not being married.

Sort out the legalities first and foremost. If he won't, sadly he is not worthy of being your partner.

firesidechat · 15/09/2014 12:28

firesidechat - big deal how? He wants to be sure it will be forever? Why the fuck have kids then if you have doubts?

Itsfab I meant that this man sees it as a big deal ie he doesn't want to actually marry the op, but was too cowardly to tell her this. He strung her along in the cruellest way.

They have had children together and he has promised marriage, so why not just get married, unless it is a step too far for him.

Original poster
LadyBrooks · 15/09/2014 12:39

He doesnt know about the meeting yet, he is about find out tonight.
And yes, he has messed around with me for too long and I have reached my limit. I cant get past this anger I feel.

OP posts:
TheVeryThing · 15/09/2014 12:43

You don't need a proposal or a ring. Surely two adults who have live together and have a child can discuss whether they want to get marries, and if so, set a date and plan a wedding.

Original poster
LadyBrooks · 15/09/2014 12:45

I have asked for this to happen TheVeryThing... seems so simple to you and I. But the answer I receive is "It has to be done the right way, it is not the right time"
We have both agreed we do not want a big wedding, we just want to go abroad with our kids and get married just the four of us. It isn't much to plan.

OP posts:
TeenageMutantNinjaTurtle · 15/09/2014 12:46

I think you're doing the right thing. You need to know where you stand legally.

I hope he takes the news of the appointment with good grace. Best of luck OP!

TheVeryThing · 15/09/2014 12:48

It sounds incredibly frustrating LadyBrooks but i think you are doing the right thing to protect yourself legally.
I know it's easy for me to say, but I don't think he deserves you.

Original poster
LadyBrooks · 15/09/2014 12:48

Thank you... I think he feels I have ruined it by going on about it and not letting it "take its course"... but 5 years of false intentions has just driven me to shutting down on the whole idea.
WHen I told him last night I did not want to get married his response
"At last, does this mean you will stop going on about it"

OP posts:
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