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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

The running joke is wearing me down - DP changes every weekend like clockwork

112 replies

RonnieRomanio · 11/09/2014 17:18

It kind of became a running joke that DP and I would argue every Friday night without fail. Then I started making a conscious effort not to and realised it was actually him forcing an argument, no matter what he will find something to argue with me about and is then off with me all weekend until Sunday night/Monday when he suddenly decides he wants us to get on again. It seems to coincide with when his kids come. They come every Saturday and he seems to start being off with me from Thursday and then Friday blows something into an argument. One week the kids came on the Friday night so he blew into an argument on the Thursday instead. But why??? Why does he want us not talking just in time for his kids coming?? It's ridiculous, it's like clockwork ... I can guarantee the entire week will be ...
Monday - fine with me
Tuesday - fine with me
Wednesday - starting to pull away a bit but still pleasant
Thursday - starts to become notably "off" with me
Friday - argument time
Saturday - not talking
Sunday - starting to become "fine" again.

Why would he do this??? I've tried talking to him, he's passive aggressive and insists it's ME that argues with him but it really isn't. I hate the power and control it lets him have. Like it's all up to him whether we get on or not.

I used to feel relief on a Monday/Tuesday that he was being "nice" and think "oh maybe he does love me after all, thank god we're getting on again!" But now I've stopped falling for that shit because I know the routine. I drop my guard and he starts again. This week he was lovely Monday and Tuesday and I remember thinking to myself "don't fall for it, you knows he'll turn, keep the guard up". Right enough ... Wednesday (yesterday) a subtle hint of distance from him. Today very minimal communication from him (he normally texts me throughout the day, today I've had one 3 word reply to a text I sent him. Tomorrow we'll argue.

Can anyone diagnose this??? What is going on??

OP posts:
SpaceStation · 11/09/2014 17:24

Has he always done it? Could it be that he feels guilty about not being with their mum and doesn't want his kids to see you and him getting on/him being nice to you? He might not be doing it consciously (not that it's OK).

Could you maybe say "you pick an argument every Friday, so I want to let you know I'm not rising to it and will be nice to you all weekend " and see what happens. Or just go out, come back late, don't see him till sat morning and see what he does.

He can't accuse you of starting it if you make yourself unavailable.

Handywoman · 11/09/2014 17:24

He is a TwaT?

LoisPuddingLane · 11/09/2014 17:27

I was going to go down the twat route too. Honestly, it isn't on. Once or twice maybe, but every week?

balia · 11/09/2014 17:28

Is it massive anxiety? Is he tense about picking up Dc/spending time with them? Train stations always set DH off, and getting ready to go out often does it for me.

Have you called him on it? (On a Monday, obvs)

SpaceStation · 11/09/2014 17:29

Or I know, make a chart of the week and write down your observations. If for example you text him regularly and cheerily while his replies become sparse and shitty, that's proof it's not you. Write down what the argument was about and how he started it.. Record it on your phone. Sit him down and tell him you're not standing for being told its you, and you want some answers and for him to stop it.

stealthsquiggle · 11/09/2014 17:29

Does he know he does it? (Clearly a conversation that would have to happen on Monday or Tuesday,,,)

BerylStreep · 11/09/2014 17:31

Vote with your feet. Why would you be with someone like that?

Yes, we can all have off days, but this seems emotionally abusive.

Are you financially entwined? Do you have DC?

Original poster
RonnieRomanio · 11/09/2014 17:32

There is no talking to him, he denies it totally and says it's me that starts on him. I've tried so many times to talk to him and I just get "nah you're being silly now, I'll talk to you when you've stopped being silly" !!!! So patronising. He spins my words and manipulates conversations and events to the point where I question myself. It's driving me insane.

OP posts:
CogitoErgoSometimes · 11/09/2014 17:33

Interesting..... A big part of me wants to solve the riddle. An even bigger part of me wants to say 'who cares why he does it?' and tell you to get the hell out of there. Hmm

  1. Stress. He finds his DCs visiting stressful and, rather than articulate it, he would prefer to pick a fight & have a bit of a shout by way of venting.
  2. Distance. Picking a fight means you are going to leave him alone to do his own thing with the DCs. (Some people pick fights on a Friday so they can go off in a huff and spend the weekend drinking.. similar idea)
  3. 'Loyalty'. (Wild speculation on my part) His DCs don't particularly like you and he wants to demonstrate that he is in 'their gang' and join in with any catty remarks. So he creates antagonism, you become the Aunt Sally for a few days and he can get better into the role.
  4. Emotional bullying. He likes you on the back foot all weekend because you're more easily managed, eager to please, less trouble.... and nicely grateful ever Monday.

Whatever the truth, he's a twat. How much have you got invested in this idiot?

Original poster
RonnieRomanio · 11/09/2014 17:34

No dc together thankfully. We are financially linked to a point but it's easily separated.

OP posts:
Jan45 · 11/09/2014 17:35

He is a cunt, simple as that, gets off on making you feel bad, gives him power, puffs his chest out, he's in control - you take control for yourself, in fact piss off for the weekend and let him deal with is own kids, make a life for yourself and, tell him in no uncertain terms he either packs it in or you are packing, I just could not live like this.

BitOutOfPractice · 11/09/2014 17:36

He's seeing someone at work?

SpaceStation · 11/09/2014 17:37

He's not god. It's not for him to dictate what you can discuss. He's intimidating you into not confronting him. But you deserve answers and you have every right to discuss your own relationship.

If you don't have dc I would tell him he treats you properly and either discusses this properly or stops doing it, or there's no relationship.

If you do have dc its more complex I know.

Can you talk to his ex?

tallwivglasses · 11/09/2014 17:37

I'm intrigued by this too...what sort of things do you argue about? It can't be nice for his dc to see their dad stonewalling you. Definitely do a chart.

Flux700 · 11/09/2014 17:37

Can you go see some friends or opt out of weekends somehow?

Flux700 · 11/09/2014 17:38

Ask him to take the kids away for the weekend

Original poster
RonnieRomanio · 11/09/2014 17:38

See I agree he could be trying to show some weird loyalty to the kids but once they're here he barely bothers with them anyway, one goes in the bedroom and one sits on the computer all night while DP sits in front of the telly.

The cynic in me is starting to think he just likes the power, he likes to see me upset even. He knows I hate arguing so like a twat I am on my best behaviour trying to avoid it ... That puts me in a vulnerable position doesn't it because whilst he can be a total bastard to me all night, I just sit there and take it to avoid a row.

OP posts:
Original poster
RonnieRomanio · 11/09/2014 17:42

I cannot talk to him, literally I just can't. It's constant egg shells and if I step on an egg shell I'll be shouted at followed by stone walled until I apologise. It's becoming a living nightmare it really is.
Stuff we argue about ... Anything from money to kids to housework to what's on tv ... Think of the most trivial thing and he'll create an argument out of it.

OP posts:
Meerka · 11/09/2014 17:46

It's becoming a living nightmare it really is.

I think you just said something that you need to re-read several times.

What is your life worth?

Jan45 · 11/09/2014 17:51

He won't change, bullies never really change - you can though, by stating it very obviously that you are no longer prepared to put up with him treating you like a piece of shit.

Trinpy · 11/09/2014 17:51

How long has this been going on? It sounds exhausting. Why are you still with him?

maras2 · 11/09/2014 17:54

No advice from me but I have read something very similar from someone who is a regular poster on the Step Parent boards.I can't remember her name but you may find her if you type a few key words into the Advanced Search thingy.Sounds very stressful and unpleasant for you.

CogitoErgoSometimes · 11/09/2014 17:55

The more you write the more the pendulum is swinging towards .... 'LTB'. You can do better than this.

schroedingersdodo · 11/09/2014 17:57

As someone suggested, why don't you go out tomorrow afternoon, or after work, and come back late, after he's asleep? Then see what happens on Saturday morning. (and tell us :)

MrsTerryPratchett · 11/09/2014 17:59

It's not just the weekends is it? He can't acknowledge it, talk about it, deal with it any of the time. Certain things trigger all of us. But, if DH says to me, "I know you hate people driving like that. DD and I love you" I can snap out of it. Sounds like your DP likes fucking with your head and gaslighting you. Not cool.

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