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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

The running joke is wearing me down - DP changes every weekend like clockwork

112 replies

RonnieRomanio · 11/09/2014 17:18

It kind of became a running joke that DP and I would argue every Friday night without fail. Then I started making a conscious effort not to and realised it was actually him forcing an argument, no matter what he will find something to argue with me about and is then off with me all weekend until Sunday night/Monday when he suddenly decides he wants us to get on again. It seems to coincide with when his kids come. They come every Saturday and he seems to start being off with me from Thursday and then Friday blows something into an argument. One week the kids came on the Friday night so he blew into an argument on the Thursday instead. But why??? Why does he want us not talking just in time for his kids coming?? It's ridiculous, it's like clockwork ... I can guarantee the entire week will be ...
Monday - fine with me
Tuesday - fine with me
Wednesday - starting to pull away a bit but still pleasant
Thursday - starts to become notably "off" with me
Friday - argument time
Saturday - not talking
Sunday - starting to become "fine" again.

Why would he do this??? I've tried talking to him, he's passive aggressive and insists it's ME that argues with him but it really isn't. I hate the power and control it lets him have. Like it's all up to him whether we get on or not.

I used to feel relief on a Monday/Tuesday that he was being "nice" and think "oh maybe he does love me after all, thank god we're getting on again!" But now I've stopped falling for that shit because I know the routine. I drop my guard and he starts again. This week he was lovely Monday and Tuesday and I remember thinking to myself "don't fall for it, you knows he'll turn, keep the guard up". Right enough ... Wednesday (yesterday) a subtle hint of distance from him. Today very minimal communication from him (he normally texts me throughout the day, today I've had one 3 word reply to a text I sent him. Tomorrow we'll argue.

Can anyone diagnose this??? What is going on??

OP posts:
Original poster
RonnieRomanio · 12/09/2014 16:47

Thanks for all the replies. You know I said he'd started being off with me yesterday (like clockwork -it always starts on a Thursday) well last night I said to him quite innocently "do you have any plans for the weekend?" He immediedly blew up saying that he didn't need me as his personal mentor telling him when he can and can't spend money etc etc Confused I said I was simply asking as I'd like to take all the kids to cinema one weekend ... He said "no you were not saying that at all, you were saying I'm not allowed to do anything with my kids this weekend!".

I stood up, replied "I disagree" and walked away. He carried on saying "that IS true, that IS what you meant and I know it!" So I said "I'm not too concerned with what you think to be honest, I know what I was saying and that's all I need". The argument stopped there but he insisted that I'd been off with him all day and he didn't know what he'd done wrong Hmm.

I'll update later with tonight's impending argument

OP posts:
LoisPuddingLane · 12/09/2014 16:55

He's a dick.

BastardGoDarkly · 12/09/2014 17:06

This must be exhausting!?

Honestly, really, life's too short for this shit!

When he starts his argument, tell him to go and fuck himself, you want out. See what happens? It can't get any worse,I don't know how you cope, the weekends are supposed to be the good bit, that make the working week worth it ffs!

MrsTerryPratchett · 12/09/2014 17:10

He is having arguments based on what his psychic skills tell him. He is having an argument with his perception of the inside of your head. If he is not psychotic (in a medical sense) and hallucinating, there is no excuse for this. You can't live this way. He has to change or you have to split up.

ThinkIveBeenHacked · 12/09/2014 19:04

god id leave.

Holdthepage · 12/09/2014 19:14

Why would anyone put up with this every week?

CurlyWurlyCake · 12/09/2014 19:23

And round and round it goes?

They really do follow some sort of mental torture script don't they?

WellWhoKnew · 12/09/2014 19:49

Because it works in wearing you out, it truly does.

Then when you've accepted that issue, on to the next one...

Tabby1963 · 12/09/2014 20:35

Ronnie crumbs what an exhausting situation, and from what you've written above, you handled it (and him) beautifully yesterday. Isn't it reassuring to know you've got mumsnet posters at the tip of your fingers to talk to and try to make sense of his shitty behaviour and to reassure you that you are not going barmy?

MajesticWhine · 12/09/2014 20:49

Pretty much what DistanceCall said. Sounds to me like he is creating distance between the two of you, because he feels guilty about forming a new family. It's totally crap of course, but there must be an underlying reason for it, even if he is completely unaware of what the reason is. There must be a benefit to him for his behaviour, i.e. he alleviates his guilt for being with you, by essentially being estranged from you while the DC are there.

tallwivglasses · 12/09/2014 20:58

And I though I was having a bad evening (asd ds pooing copiously) - this is a walk in the park compared to your Friday night Sad

tallwivglasses · 12/09/2014 20:59

fun Ronnie. Remember fun? You deserve some, you truly do.

InTheNorth123 · 12/09/2014 21:03

How are things OP?

Oblique27 · 12/09/2014 21:03

God, I couldn't put up with that? Does he have any redeeming features?

MexicanSpringtime · 12/09/2014 21:09

God, I couldn't put up with that? Does he have any redeeming features?

Agree

juliascurr · 12/09/2014 21:12

this might help

en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Karpman_drama_triangle

thenightsky · 12/09/2014 21:28

Sorry if someone has said this already but, have you said to him on a Friday night....'DP, why are you always such a nasty bastard on Fridays?

NickiFury · 12/09/2014 21:33

Sad Oh he sounds awful. I know so well that feeling of "don't let your guard down" because you know he will turn on you soon enough. What would he say if you straight out said "if you turn on me on a Friday one more time, it's over"?

NickiFury · 12/09/2014 21:34

I think your posts are brilliant Endymion, very insightful.

Trinpy · 12/09/2014 21:42

Why don't you just calmly say 'sorry to hear you think that. Maybe we should go our separate ways?' Don't get drawn into another argument with him, or get defensive.

Then when he tries to start things up again after the weekend say 'no the things you said on Friday really helped me see that we aren't right together. Bye.'

You make it sound like a silly game, but he's ruining every weekend. Wouldn't you rather be in a relationship with someone who was nice to you all week long?

auntpetunia · 12/09/2014 21:58

That sounds awful. He is a bully, I agree on call him Everytime he's rude or argumentative. Good luck, for what it's worth I'd LTB in a heart beat.

IngridCold · 13/09/2014 01:44

FFS.

When he starts again just say calmly "Do you know what? Fuck off. I've had enough. You're either a complete cunt or you're a complete nutbar. Whatever, I want no part of it any more. I'm done."

Don't waste another second of your life on the twat.

Cerisier · 13/09/2014 01:48

I like Endymion's post too. Very insightful.

OP it all sounds exhausting and tedious. Groundhog Day comes to mind. Life is too short to be ground down by a nasty bully with zero emotional maturity.

It is up to you what you do about it though. It sounds like it suits him, so he isn't going to change until the children leave home.

MiscellaneousAssortment · 13/09/2014 03:11

He's forcing you to participate in this script, and it doesn't matter what you're saying, he's making up your part as he goes along.

He's not listening to anything you say, as he doesn't want you to say what you're saying.

He's got you squeezed into a role and won't let you out.

I honestly don't know what to suggest....

LuluJakey1 · 13/09/2014 14:20

What would he do if you said, on a Monday night, 'I can't keep living like this. I don't want to be with you the way you treat me Wednesday to Sunday. It isn't going to change so I want us to split up.'

If he would just say ' Fine, pack your bag' or 'Fine, I'll oack my bag' you have your answer and you are wasting your time with him.

If he would be devastated then there is some hope but ONLY if he can work his way through these issues with you.

How long have you been together? Are you the 'other woman' ? Do his children like you? Does he get on with ex- wife or is there a problem there?

I was with someone who was divorced and had two children. They were 8 and 5 and his wife had left him 2 years earlier and she was re- married.

He was entirely different when the children were with us- distant, as if I was a friend rather than the person he lived with. He could not show me affection or allow me any role other than 'guest in the party'. If they misbehaved I could not tell them off. It was ridiculous and really about him not wanting another ' family' that included anyone but him, ex- wife and kids.

When they were not there he was wonderful but as the weekend approached I was treading on eggshells because he found a way to put me in a place and distance me from him. Actually, he was a twat - I just took ages to realise it.