The running joke is wearing me down - DP changes every weekend like clockwork

[RonnieRomanio]

It kind of became a running joke that DP and I would argue every Friday night without fail. Then I started making a conscious effort not to and realised it was actually him forcing an argument, no matter what he will find something to argue with me about and is then off with me all weekend until Sunday night/Monday when he suddenly decides he wants us to get on again. It seems to coincide with when his kids come. They come every Saturday and he seems to start being off with me from Thursday and then Friday blows something into an argument. One week the kids came on the Friday night so he blew into an argument on the Thursday instead. But why??? Why does he want us not talking just in time for his kids coming?? It's ridiculous, it's like clockwork ... I can guarantee the entire week will be ...
Monday - fine with me
Tuesday - fine with me
Wednesday - starting to pull away a bit but still pleasant
Thursday - starts to become notably "off" with me
Friday - argument time
Saturday - not talking
Sunday - starting to become "fine" again.

Why would he do this??? I've tried talking to him, he's passive aggressive and insists it's ME that argues with him but it really isn't. I hate the power and control it lets him have. Like it's all up to him whether we get on or not.

I used to feel relief on a Monday/Tuesday that he was being "nice" and think "oh maybe he does love me after all, thank god we're getting on again!" But now I've stopped falling for that shit because I know the routine. I drop my guard and he starts again. This week he was lovely Monday and Tuesday and I remember thinking to myself "don't fall for it, you knows he'll turn, keep the guard up". Right enough ... Wednesday (yesterday) a subtle hint of distance from him. Today very minimal communication from him (he normally texts me throughout the day, today I've had one 3 word reply to a text I sent him. Tomorrow we'll argue.

Can anyone diagnose this??? What is going on??

Any news OP?

Lulu that's how it feels to me - that he doesn't "want" another family - the only family he wants is his "real" family - the one he created originally.

I don't think there is anything left between him and his ex, she comes to the door when he picks the kids up, they chit chat and that's the end of contact between them, when he takes them home she doesn't come to the door. If he texts her she never replies. She divorced him and I think he's very bitter about it.

Well update time - funnily enough there was no argument on Friday night - just his little attempt on the Thursday which I nipped in the bud as soon as it appeared. I'm not sure if he can feel me becoming more distant now. I'm spending less time around him. The kids are here and he spent all night up until 9ish in the garden drinking with the eldest and then disappeared into the bedroom with eldest until about 10.30. Youngest, as usual - sat on his own in the living room.

How old are they?

16 and 18. He's obsessed with the eldest and shows obvious favoritism towards him. Even on the 16 year old's 16th birthday the celebration outing was basically geared towards what eldest would enjoy.

I am exhausted reading this. What a life to be leading. How old are you? Can you give any more of your emotional and mental energy dealing with this?
How long have you been together? What would you like your life to be like? Focus on that, not doing the dancing on eggshells stuff with this man and his grown up children. Would you like children?

I'm 33 but feel 63. I am exhausted. I'm bored with it all, I'm fed up. I have no energy. I can't even be bothered to go to the martial arts club I recently joined. I don't want more kids. I'm at the beginning of my career and I want to climb the ladder and enjoy the benefits but at the moment I just can't be arsed with any of it because my head space is full of all this.

His kids are actually really nice lads, I have no problem with them at all.

He sucked joy out of your life.
You know that but it will take time before you choose what's right for you.

You know what OP? I feel so very sad for you and those two children. So very, very sad. Please move on and enjoy your life. That man is an absolute turd. It sounds as if his ex has the measure of him perhaps?
Also, the favouritism towards the elder child - this strikes me as him forwarding his behaviour on to them too?

Very good point, say. You and me, we're special. We sit in the garden drinking manly beers while the womenfolk & children pootle about inside, being burdens on our holy selves.

Take the younger boy on a fantastic theme-park trip, or whatever floats his boat. Tell him he doesn't deserve being sidelined: it's not him, it's them. Have a proper chat with the ex. Then leave/kick him out. You sound great, by the way! You 100% deserve better.

Having read your other thread about finances and your DS trip I'd say ditch the motherfucker already.

I think it's time for an exit plan isn't it? He really sounds very difficult.

What are his good points?

This reminds me very much of how I felt with the weekends with my stepchildren looming. The whole atmosphere would change leading up to it and during and then by Sunday when they went home I felt sad that they were going and it had to be such a struggle.

I felt horribly lonely and like a stranger in my own home during those times, and barely recognised my normally loving DH.

We did manage to iron it out though, DH realised that he was tense and anxious ahead of their stay for several reasons, - wanting them to have a nice visit, walking on eggshells with their Mum, not wanting them to to anything to upset me and many more. We realised that the weekends should be about them having quality time with their Dad and that came first, - if we could just relax and let it happen it would, and it did.

Many stepmothers feel like they are the outsiders during weekend visits.

However, in your case it sounds like it goes much deeper. He resents the fact that his family is no longer together (not your fault obviously), - you are there and they are visiting which highlights this even more. He's picking fights with you so he can say you resent their presence and he can get all angry about it, - pull his DS1 towards him and push you out.

(As an aside, I find it repugnant but the way that he should show such an obvious favouritism to one child)

I would honestly walk away from this though, it doesn't sound fixable - things should be easy at their ages and they clearly aren't.

You poor love, you are seeing things in him that you are finding hard to accept, it must be very disappointing if you've invested so much time and energy into the relationship, - but save yourself, have the life you want not this one with him.