The running joke is wearing me down - DP changes every weekend like clockwork

[RonnieRomanio]

It kind of became a running joke that DP and I would argue every Friday night without fail. Then I started making a conscious effort not to and realised it was actually him forcing an argument, no matter what he will find something to argue with me about and is then off with me all weekend until Sunday night/Monday when he suddenly decides he wants us to get on again. It seems to coincide with when his kids come. They come every Saturday and he seems to start being off with me from Thursday and then Friday blows something into an argument. One week the kids came on the Friday night so he blew into an argument on the Thursday instead. But why??? Why does he want us not talking just in time for his kids coming?? It's ridiculous, it's like clockwork ... I can guarantee the entire week will be ...
Monday - fine with me
Tuesday - fine with me
Wednesday - starting to pull away a bit but still pleasant
Thursday - starts to become notably "off" with me
Friday - argument time
Saturday - not talking
Sunday - starting to become "fine" again.

Why would he do this??? I've tried talking to him, he's passive aggressive and insists it's ME that argues with him but it really isn't. I hate the power and control it lets him have. Like it's all up to him whether we get on or not.

I used to feel relief on a Monday/Tuesday that he was being "nice" and think "oh maybe he does love me after all, thank god we're getting on again!" But now I've stopped falling for that shit because I know the routine. I drop my guard and he starts again. This week he was lovely Monday and Tuesday and I remember thinking to myself "don't fall for it, you knows he'll turn, keep the guard up". Right enough ... Wednesday (yesterday) a subtle hint of distance from him. Today very minimal communication from him (he normally texts me throughout the day, today I've had one 3 word reply to a text I sent him. Tomorrow we'll argue.

Can anyone diagnose this??? What is going on??

Stop walking on eggshells. Call out the twattish behaviour. Ignore him. Never ever apologise for his bad behaviour.

If that means the relationship quickly disintegrates, well if it is going to fail it's better for everyone that it fails fast.

Personally, I'd stonewall him back for as long as he had stonewalled me. Nice Monday and Tuesday? I don't bloody think so mate, you are in the dog house and you aren't out until I say so. But I can be a right difficult arse when faced with bullying and you might not have the stomach for it.

Two words love: why bother?

Your life partner is someone less than you like your work colleagues, it sounds like.

Why. Bother.

Maybe its hos way of handling the guilt at being such a shit dad? The weekend highlights how little care or attention he gives his kids and he dislikes his flaws beig highlighted?

Could also be using the strop with you as a smokescreen for it - "well if you hadnt had a go at me I might feel more in the mood for taking the kids places"?

Five days out of seven he is off with you. Only nice on two days. Even if it were completely subconscious, or even if it were all your fault, that's a crap relationship.

As you point out yourself, it seems to be a deliberate power play and it definitely isn't you being unreasonable.

Now you've spotted you are in a relationship with someone who gets off on upsetting you, what are you going to do?

If you do break up with him, do it on a Monday so he doesn't get his "rest" that week.

Once you recognise a problem, and then modify your own behaviour, you have made a step into a new cycle of behaviour.

If that cycle is about control, then it gets ever tighter, as you're learning: You can't do right for doing wrong.

I/you/we can explain away his behaviour, but doesn't that just excuse it?

I mean, for example, perhaps the mother of the children starts giving him grief over his access, his way of looking after the children, her resentment of having to send the kids off EOW. This sets up the weekend for tension and resentment.

It's a plausible theory.

However, what possible justification is there for him passing on that grief?

Are you the one insisting that he has them EOW? No.

You do, of course, need to accept that he is a father of two. You don't need to accept punishment for it.

Time for you to say: sorry, sunshine, but I'm not a particularly argumentative person, but I feel that everything dissolves into an argument, and I think our relationship is unhealthy. It doesn't matter which one of us is causing the endless and pointless arguments, it does matter that we either address it, or off you go.

I don't think it's worth navel gazing about why he does it , it doesn't really matter. Instead you need to think about what your going to do about it. By that I mean what action your going to take , not which words your going to say.

Each time you tiptoe round him you reward him. Each time you feel relief that he's being nice you reward him. Each time you have sex with him you reward him and tell him non verbally that it's ok to treat you like this. He does it because he can and because you accept it. You've given him far too much power.

How do you spend your weekends when he's sulking at you ? Do you go out and do your own thing or do you patiently wait for him to come round ? Do you cook , clean , and still have sex with him ?

Everyone behaves badly in relationships at times. The important thing is the ability to talk about and examine that behaviour to look for ways to change it. You've tried talking about it with him and he simply won't. He just expects you to put up with it. So you have two options - put up with it or leave.

op I'm not sticking up for him but this is how I was when I knew I was visiting my mother who I had emotional issues with.

I could actually feel myself 'revving up' in the on coming days. Naughty in school, cheeky to my dad, then arguing with my partner , friends as I got older.

I bet he has a load of pent up emotions going on, guilt, inadequate ...

Not that any of that is an excuse and he should not be emotionally abusing you, as that is what he is doing. I had to walk on egg shells around my mother and she couldn't spend more than three days in my company with out starting to be vile to me. In the end I went NC.

It doesn't matter if he says he is not doing - if YOU feel he is doing it then you have to make changes

I cannot talk to him, literally I just can't. It's constant egg shells and if I step on an egg shell I'll be shouted at followed by stone walled until I apologise. It's becoming a living nightmare it really is.
Stuff we argue about ... Anything from money to kids to housework to what's on tv ... Think of the most trivial thing and he'll create an argument out of it.

This is not a relationship it's just sticking with an arsehole for fear of being alone.

I just get "nah you're being silly now, I'll talk to you when you've stopped being silly"

I'm really surprised that you're ok with this.

I am pretty horrible in the build up to going to visit my family. DH is pretty horrible when they come to visit us. It is a stress thing.

But we are adults so we have noticed the pattern and do our best to stop it.

Sounds like your DP is unwilling to work at it.

How did this ever become a 'running joke'?

Not very funny. He also sounds like a crap Dad who doesn't communicate with his kids.

What do you need to do to leave him?

Who could be arsed with this ?

I really don't get why you are staying with him...

A very good friend said to me once 'If you are walking on eggshells, one of you is a chicken.'

Yes I'm no longer intrigued. He's just a nasty bully. I assume you do more parenting than him (wouldn't be difficult) on those weekends too? Do you ever fantasise about walking out on him, OP?

BitoutofPractice may not be that cynical
He's seeing someone at work?

My XH did exactly this. Friday was re-named FFF. Finding fault Friday.
Any. little. thing. that created an arguement so he could disengage. Happy by Monday.

All made perfect sense on discovery of his affair. Couldnt handle the guilt of spending happy weekend with his family, so turned everyone against him.

Your DP is not even talking/spending time with his own children ? Its wrong on any level. Any other behaviour to him that may point this way?

Does it matter why?

He refuses to acknowledge there is a problem, he refuses to engage with you about it, he's not interested in talking about it, and he blames you. If you fond out "why" these other issues would still be there - he won't do anything about it as he doesn't feel he needs to and he doesn't respect your opinion, thoughts or feelings about the situation.

He's a Knob I'm afraid. Probably irredeemably so.

Do you do most of the care for his children, while he perfects the art of treating you like shit ?

is there any chance he doesnt want to have to care for the children and gets stressed in the lead up and takes it out on you.

Erm, that's 2 days out of 7 he graces you with his ok behaviour.

Seriously Op what the fuck are you still going with him?

does that make it any better ?

OP, it's not your job to be his emotional punch bag

If this were just the arguments, sure, you could find the reason and work through it. Stress of having the kids, a number of things.

But that's not it. You can see it in how he behaves when you bring it up. Blaming you, gaslighting. This isn't ok. You can already see it, you know, it's about control.

Walk away now, before there's a baby involved, while your head is still clear enough to see this is wrong. It will only go downhill. He will not change.

Being happy 2/7 days a week is no way to live.

I had this from EA exH. My workmates knew not to ask if I had a good weekend on Mondays. I left and now love my weekends..our house is filled with fun, laughter and we can relax.