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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

The running joke is wearing me down - DP changes every weekend like clockwork

112 replies

RonnieRomanio · 11/09/2014 17:18

It kind of became a running joke that DP and I would argue every Friday night without fail. Then I started making a conscious effort not to and realised it was actually him forcing an argument, no matter what he will find something to argue with me about and is then off with me all weekend until Sunday night/Monday when he suddenly decides he wants us to get on again. It seems to coincide with when his kids come. They come every Saturday and he seems to start being off with me from Thursday and then Friday blows something into an argument. One week the kids came on the Friday night so he blew into an argument on the Thursday instead. But why??? Why does he want us not talking just in time for his kids coming?? It's ridiculous, it's like clockwork ... I can guarantee the entire week will be ...
Monday - fine with me
Tuesday - fine with me
Wednesday - starting to pull away a bit but still pleasant
Thursday - starts to become notably "off" with me
Friday - argument time
Saturday - not talking
Sunday - starting to become "fine" again.

Why would he do this??? I've tried talking to him, he's passive aggressive and insists it's ME that argues with him but it really isn't. I hate the power and control it lets him have. Like it's all up to him whether we get on or not.

I used to feel relief on a Monday/Tuesday that he was being "nice" and think "oh maybe he does love me after all, thank god we're getting on again!" But now I've stopped falling for that shit because I know the routine. I drop my guard and he starts again. This week he was lovely Monday and Tuesday and I remember thinking to myself "don't fall for it, you knows he'll turn, keep the guard up". Right enough ... Wednesday (yesterday) a subtle hint of distance from him. Today very minimal communication from him (he normally texts me throughout the day, today I've had one 3 word reply to a text I sent him. Tomorrow we'll argue.

Can anyone diagnose this??? What is going on??

OP posts:
Poofus · 11/09/2014 21:01

I think, subconsciously perhaps, he doesn't want the kids to see you and him getting on well. If he won't have an honest conversation with you about it, though, then I would have a serious think about whether I wanted to stay in the relationship.

mrsbrownsgirls · 11/09/2014 21:21

OP I think the idea of you going out on Friday night and coming home late is a great idea

Anotherchapter · 11/09/2014 21:25

balia I love that!

ihatethecold · 11/09/2014 21:56

Life is too short to spend it with an arsehole.

kaykayblue · 12/09/2014 09:27

I mean this in the nicest possible way, but he sounds like a complete and utter knob end.

Mandyandme · 12/09/2014 09:39

Go away for the weekend and even Monday and Tuesday then see what happens. I would not return to the house for the weekends and see if it breaks the cycle. I would go somewhere you cannot be contacted by phone.

IngridCold · 12/09/2014 09:49

Well if you really love him (god knows why) if I were you I'd move out and just see him on Mondays and Tuesdays. That way, you get the two days of him deigning to be nice to you and the rest of the week is yours to spend how you like. With any luck you'll meet someone else.

Seriously. These threads absolutely slay me. Why? Just why would you stay with someone like this. Oh don't tell me - you luv 'im Hmm

Well you need to work on why you insist on loving someone who treats you like this. The only unconditional love - in an emotionally healthy person - is that of a parent to a child.

Women who insist on still loving a twat like yours are choosing to do so. Get yourself some counselling and get rid.

Jux · 12/09/2014 09:56

If he were nice at the w/e would you be doing more family things with the kids? I wonder if - apart from being a bully - he is trying to avoid actually doing anything with children and you; avoiding being a father.

This way, he gets to spend the w/e doing exactly what he wants, which sounds like having no input into his children or you.

Now you need to ask yourself this question. Why are you settling for this? You could be having fun.

whatdoesittake48 · 12/09/2014 10:06

Is he setting things up so he gets to sit in ahuff all weekend while you sort out the kids. Also it is a great way of ensuring there is no chance of a family outing or having to be nice to anyone.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 12/09/2014 10:25

Why on earth are you together at all now?.

I was wondering what you learnt about relationships when growing up; did your own parents set you a particularly poor example?.

Thankfully you do not have children with him; ensure that this remains so.

Walking on eggshells is really code for living in fear and fear also keeps you within this. You cannot live like this and you do need to give him the boot now.

Once you are away from this man work on rebuilding your own self worth through counselling as such men do take an awful long time to recover from.

JapaneseMargaret · 12/09/2014 10:42

YCDBTT.

(You can do better than this).

hellsbellsmelons · 12/09/2014 11:01

You sound like a good, nice, intelligent person.
Why would you put up with this shite?
Please look to get away.
Life is way too short.

I like that too balia

EndymionEndy · 12/09/2014 11:05

Analysis

He's basically projecting his frustration with his divorce, children, onto you: all those negative emotions he doesn't want to own are "in you".

You're the devil who represents all his guilt and bad feelings.

Or: he's trying to engineer a situation where you're tiptoeing around him to meet his needs.

Verdict

In practice, this kind of man can't be "fixed".

He's broken. He doesn't WANT to be healthy and getting on with things and in a functional, positive, relationship where he can grow and enjoy the limited resource we have called Life.

He LIKES living this weird half-life where he's chumming up with his children like a little boy to ignore Bad Stepmummy. He's fucking weird. He likes continually going through this freaky cycle of forgiveness and pain and redemption, wallowing in negative emotions. Hence picking the (contrived) arguments.

He's emotionally stuck and doesn't want to get, or enjoy, a life.

Understanding him won't fix him.

I understand the thinking "well I've put so much time and so much emotional energy into this situation so far, and if I could just get him to be the way he is on Mondays and Tuesdays, it will be fine". We've all been there.

But you're throwing away YOUR now, and your future, by thinking he'll get better. Cut your losses.

Lweji · 12/09/2014 11:08

Another one saying you should leave.

EndymionEndy · 12/09/2014 11:17

Thinking about it, it's not even to do with the children. That's a red herring.

It's a passive-aggressive power game. He wants you on the back foot, and wants to delude himself that you're grovelling for his attention and "grateful" when he is nice.

He hates life, he hates himself, and wants to pretend he's this martyrish character trapped by a shrewish partner into a life he hates. His internal rage and his shortcomings are all YOUR fault. Your real life actions are irrelevant: he's got some weird internal script that puts you as scapegoat, and that's what you are in his mind.

He does need you- but as something to blame for his own self-loathing. If you leave, he'll need/seek out another woman. Not as he actually likes women or wants a functional relationship, but to project his own hatred onto.

MrsWinnibago · 12/09/2014 11:25

I wonder if his children like coming? It sounds like an awful atmosphere OP and he's a bully.

I would do something about this...stand up for yourself for God's sake!

antimatter · 12/09/2014 11:32

I would just leave on Thursday morning and come back on Sunday.
Do you have to be at home for weekend looking after his kids?

Squidstirfry · 12/09/2014 11:41

Has he picked today's argument with you yet?

DistanceCall · 12/09/2014 11:48

Sounds like he feels guilty towards his children for being with a woman who is not their mother. Hence he has an argument with you and won't speak to you for as long as they are there, so that they can see that he is cold towards you.

Or something like that. In any case, it doesn't sound like he's aware that he's doing it, but it needs to stop.

GoodboyBindleFeatherstone · 12/09/2014 11:54

Twisting what you say and making you question yourself is emotional abuse, and one of the reasons exH is ex.

I doubt it will get better for you. I'm sorry, but I really do think you need to get out of the relationship. Your home should be your refuge and relaxation from the shit that life throws - not full of tension and eggshells to avoid.

glidingpig · 12/09/2014 12:27

Everyone can be a bit stroppy if something's coming up that is a big deal for them emotionally (though ideally not every bloody week, you know?). But he won't even discuss it. He blames you. He says you're being silly and he won't talk to you until you've stopped.

I was a bit of a shit to DH a few years ago. My job was ludicrously stressful and I was having big family issues too. I didn't realise how much of it I was bringing home until the poor sod burst into tears and said he was sick of walking on eggshells. But then we talked about it, and I was completely aghast at how I'd made him feel, and I apologised a lot, and I made a major effort to deal with my stress properly and avoid dumping it on him.

Occasional grumpiness followed by an apology is forgivable. But he's picking fights like clockwork and not even acknowledging what he's doing. He has made it clear he's got no intention of changing, and you can't reach into his brain and magic the shit behaviour away... so the question really is how much longer are you going to put up with it?

MiscellaneousAssortment · 12/09/2014 13:04

Agree with the other posters, he sounds unpleasant.

I would try once last time to address it then give him his notice.

He may be stuck in some weird psychological loop but you don't have to join him there Flowers

nauticant · 12/09/2014 14:50

Lots of theories. For whatever reason(s) he thinks he can make you suffer because he's getting something out of it in whatever strange and twisted way.

He has no interest in stopping abusing you.

He will ruin years/decades of your life unless you make an ultimatum that he'll engage with or you walk away.

I think I'd fall into a terrible depression if I was in a relationship with someone who turned every weekend of my being free from work into a place of my own personal suffering.

BerylStreep · 12/09/2014 16:10

Let us know how you get on later.

If he does try to pick a fight, don't reward him with a response. Remember, it only works for him if he gets a reaction.

TheSameBoat · 12/09/2014 16:18

I feel like you need to collect some data and construct a lovely graph, maybe a pie chart then present to him!

All the while remaining neutral. Like Switzerland Grin