H headbutted ds......advice please

[thelineiswhere]

H (definitely not 'd'h) had been drinking bottled beers at home on Sunday afternoon.

He then decided to go to the supermarket as he often does on a Sunday afternoon to buy more bottled beers and some food items for his own personal consumption. (Money is not the issue here, so the shopping thing is a red herring but bear with me).

He was gone for several hours and I suspect he went to the pub for a couple of hours as when he came back he smelt of beer.

I was giving the kids some tea at this point and he dumped his shopping in the kitchen and hung round the table in the dining area adjacent to the kitchen winding the kids up ended up annoying ds in some way and ds told him to go away. H can be very annoying under the influence as he pushes the kids until they snap, I usually walk away but the kids were at the table eating. Anyway he wouldn't go away and was leaning in to them invading their personal space so to speak and ds pushed him away but it was like a hit on h's chest rather than a push and with that h had him pinned up against the wall with a chair and said "d you know what I do to people that hit me..... I headbutt them" and proceeded to bash his head against ds's which bashed back against the wall. Younger child was yelling at h to get off ds and leave him alone.

Ds was shocked and we all kind of yelled at h to stop. He started to tell me it was my fault and if I didn't start to... but never finished his sentence.

I reassured the kids later that h was very wrong to do this and checked ds wasn't injured.

h didn't speak to any of us for the rest of the evening as kids went to bed after a bath/shower.

Has he crossed a line here ? Things have been bad between us, he barely speaks to me at all but I assumed he'd snap out of it eventually like he always does.

AF - they are only 'devalued elsewhere' by people who find an easy target to pick on, to avoid facing reality. Blaming your very well written (and restrained) posts is a convenient way for the OP to 'bail out' of the thread. You didn't say anything that several others haven't said and many of them far more harshly than you - but as we all know, because you don't name change you are well known (for helping people, funny that!), so you are easy to take a cheap shot at. It's pathetic attempt to change the direction of her thread, to take the attention away from her inaction.

You do seem to taking this entire episode with total lack of emotion, OP. Your child was headbutted, so that his head bounced between his fathers and the wall - and you dont think it is necessary to take him to A&E? Are you a doctor? (If so you should know about 'hidden' problems within the cranium, whiplash etc) You seem to rather brush it aside, rush on with your RL day, minimise it.
You are teaching them to stand up for themselves? Isn't that what your ds was doing - to his father? Did you teach them NOT to stand up to bullies if they are 3-4 times the age, and size, and drunk???
You don't even report to the police - and seem to be under the impression that you can 'manage' your situation with him, manage the divorce - but if, as you suspect, he turns nasty and goes for access to dc, how will you protect them when he has them EOW and maybe midweek too? You won't be there! And you can't stand up in front of the divorce judge and say he is a danger to them, he headbutted one and plays too rough with them, causing it to end in tears. The judge will just say 'where is the evidence? Where are the professional reports? Where is the proof - it's your word against his'.

Get it logged with the police and you have evidence for exactly then. Unsupervised access will be highly unlikely.

You say you are both professional people yourselves, and this is why you don't wantto report it - is that because it would impact on his career? Possibly even his livelihood? I would suggest that it is HIM who should be concerned with that, not you, as your dc mother.

There have been a lot harsher posts on this thread than AFs, mine included.

I think you probably get targeted as a 'recognisable' face on this board. There are others I can think of off the top of my head that frequent other topics, and people seem to hold them personally responsible for the outcome of their thread.

I've been having problems on the mobile site, losing first/last posts on pages, so I've just seen SGB 's post, and think that is very likely the case.

Earth my point was that the op is not as guilty as her stbxh.She's simply not....

Sorry Pacific I posted then saw that you were leaving the thread

I get what you are saying about posters calling her a bad mother but it is a very emotive subject. Any form of child abuse is. Lets face it her indifference to what has happened and as far as we know her reluctance to call the police even though she is in no immediate danger does not show her as a good mother does it?

This poster and anyone else reading this thread needs to know and understand that those who are in a position to stop it and don't in the eyes of the law can and have been held accountable for their lack of action and failure to protect a child. I am afraid something's cannot be dressed up all fluffy.

My mum had a friend who's drunken husband would slap his children around the face and head to try and gain an aggressive reaction. My mum asked why on earth she didn't report him. The answer.."oh, I will as soon as he lays a finger on me." My mum gave her a week to speak to someone or said she would. Three days later, the 10 yr old turned up at school with a red hand welt across his face and a cut on his head. A concerned teacher spoke to him and it blew the thing wide open, thank god. I truly hope OP's son isn't too scared to speak to a teacher, I really do, as then OP will realise what her inaction and minimalising can cause.

Nowhere in any of her posts does OP say she is a victim of DV, or that she's afraid of her H. And I'm truly gobsmacked that her DC have to stand up to their dad. The whole dynamic here is messed up.

So the upshot of it is op still wont protect her children and it's still all about the money.

She won't report the physical abuse of her son for the same reason she didn't take him to the hospital most likely. If anyone found out what had happened her stbx husbands job would be in jeopardy, resulting in less money, right op?

That bull crap about not wanting to report it is so low. Using your sons possible feelings of guilt as an excuse. You should be explaining to him that it is not his fault and proving to him that it is all his dads by REPORTING him.

Words fail me.

Children shouldn't have to learn to stand up to their own bully of a father.

op sounds colder and colder with each post.

No, it doesn't, but many women, especially professional educated women, find it hard to admit or acknowledge.
Stll doesn't mean it is happening, of course, but its a possibility, and one that ties in with the way the op appears to be on here.

mrsdevere

I am genuinely interested in how this works.

Surely as MN have a published policy regarding privacy and safeguarding, they have assumed responsibility? And as such, are legally obliged to act?

School run and work calling now, so please don't think I've ignored any response.

OP's husband hasn't left, he's just away for work. Unless OP owns the house outright, we all know she can't just throw him out, and bullies rarely accept blame, preferring instead to blame their past/the victim/circumstances (pick one), so it when needed.

I can see why AFs posts annoyed the OP more than other posters who were simply cross and frustrated with the OP.

AF did accuse the OP of 'basically not being arsed to read the replies' when the OP had clearly explained that she 'was v busy with RL'. AF did misrepresent the OP and wouldnt even acknowledge her mistake it when the OP called her out on it.

Guess I better go and name change now.

Eurgh what is with the new mobile site? My last post posted while I was editing

So from 'pick one'..so it's unlikely he'll just leave. And seeing as OP is still insistent on not involving the police, aside from having a break from their dad while he works away, nothing has really changed yet, has it.

There. Sorry for messed up earlier post.

So is there a script that OPs should follow to satisfy posters?

The upshot of this thread, actually, is that she has moved from taking a longer term exit from her marriage to telling him he cannot come home at the end of his two weeks away. She acknowledges that this is because the children could be removed if they are in a house with him.

I agree with posters who say that the incident needs reporting as the basis for future protection, both in the divorce / access arrangements and in case he continues to be violent during the deprecation process.

OP, as far as I know if it is a jointly owned or rented house you have no legal right to bar him or prevent him coming in unless you have legal protection in place. You say you are efficient and practical, so I am sure you will be discussing this with a solicitor this week.

Rocks, I was one of the first to post after OP said she was too busy to read posts and had rl stuff to do. I said in my posts that what was the point in starting a thread if you can't be arsed reading/responding. I don't see OP having a pop at me, and there were a few who agreed..what about them? OP singled out AF unfairly to change the tone of the thread.

yak, by reporting the incident to the police, it would ensure her H couldn't return after the work trip. OP still won't. She's intent on not damaging his career when her main concern should be protecting her DC.

Well actually, if you've got more important things to do on real life rather than actually prevent your hind being abused (and yes it is abuse in the true sense of the word) then you are a pretty crap parent.
That's the truth, how can anyone argue otherwise.
I say this btw as someone who at 19 had to go into a refuge with my ds after suffering extreme dv so I do realise what a big decision it is to leave.

Obviously I meant child not hind

Curt. If you said that then that's just your opinion. The OP hasn't objected (too much) too the numerous posts criticising her. She was objecting to AFs post because AF was misrepresenting her and saying she 'basically couldn't be arsed reading the replies' when she had Already explained why she was busy.

Clutching at straws, but perhaps his career affords him power that she seems as unsurmountable...
I too am bemused by the career denting aspect now she has acknowledged that he has crossed a line.

Op, I can see the plan may have been to make a break,getting out with the best outcome, if such levels of violence weren't being employed before.

But now the stakes have changed, dramatically.

He is a dangerous dangerous man.

Sad, and typical, that the OP came back and managed to totally deflect the topic of the conversation, to make it all about how people have been rude or unjust to her, have misinterpreted what she wrote etc, so that she's "off" and justified, in her mind, no longer engaging with the real topic here. The thread did become unhelpful at times, I thought and said that, and that is sad, most of all because she then had a reason (invalid but valid in her thinking) therefore to disregard it in its entirely.

This is very very common in these kinds of situation. When I am speaking to someone who has been involved in perpetrating/enabling terrible things, it is most common for them to very quickly start focusing on things like irrelevant details. For example, in a case of very severe child abuse: "Social Services are idiots, they have it all wrong". How so? "It happened on the Thursday not the Friday like they said, so that proves they don't know what they are talking about". You get the idea.

There's a difference between being rude or unjust and calling a spade a fucking shovel - which is all AF has done. Call a spade a spade.....

I understand OP that you may well be sorting things out in RL, but don't shoot the messenger(s)...