H headbutted ds......advice please

[thelineiswhere]

H (definitely not 'd'h) had been drinking bottled beers at home on Sunday afternoon.

He then decided to go to the supermarket as he often does on a Sunday afternoon to buy more bottled beers and some food items for his own personal consumption. (Money is not the issue here, so the shopping thing is a red herring but bear with me).

He was gone for several hours and I suspect he went to the pub for a couple of hours as when he came back he smelt of beer.

I was giving the kids some tea at this point and he dumped his shopping in the kitchen and hung round the table in the dining area adjacent to the kitchen winding the kids up ended up annoying ds in some way and ds told him to go away. H can be very annoying under the influence as he pushes the kids until they snap, I usually walk away but the kids were at the table eating. Anyway he wouldn't go away and was leaning in to them invading their personal space so to speak and ds pushed him away but it was like a hit on h's chest rather than a push and with that h had him pinned up against the wall with a chair and said "d you know what I do to people that hit me..... I headbutt them" and proceeded to bash his head against ds's which bashed back against the wall. Younger child was yelling at h to get off ds and leave him alone.

Ds was shocked and we all kind of yelled at h to stop. He started to tell me it was my fault and if I didn't start to... but never finished his sentence.

I reassured the kids later that h was very wrong to do this and checked ds wasn't injured.

h didn't speak to any of us for the rest of the evening as kids went to bed after a bath/shower.

Has he crossed a line here ? Things have been bad between us, he barely speaks to me at all but I assumed he'd snap out of it eventually like he always does.

AF , I had RL stuff to do with my kids, they came first.

Here's what I actually said in my second post..............."Have to go and pick a kid up from an activity now - haven't had time to read the thread, have just skimmed it. Am v busy tonight on RL stuff for the kids/school etc".

By no stretch of the imagination was this "basically saying I couldn't be arsed to read the replies and I had better things to do in my busy life".

What you stated in your post is a materially incorrect distortion of what I posted and will influence those who didn't read/can't remember word for word my second post. Disappointing AF, very disappointing.

You have some front to name my behaviour as "disappointing"

Come on, you sound like an intelligent woman. You didn't think a thread with your OP would generate a lot of opinion ? So you post and run ? How did you think that, with the subject matter at hand, would be perceived ?

Yes,AnyFucker I agree on that tbh.

I think professional involvement is needed.I think this should be reported, to keep the children safe during access.I am also concerned about safety,when such a violent man is involved,during the divorce process.

AF - words fail me over your goading - is there absolutely no part of your thought process that has made you realise "Oops, yes she's right I did distort what she actually said and as people pay particular attention to AF's posts on LTB threads like this I have a responsibility to acknowledge that with a suitable apology"

If not you and h have something in common, never acknowledging mistakes and certainly never apologising.

To everyone else .....I'm done here thanks to AF.

I am also unsure of this posters agenda.

I'm not reading through 400 odd posts so apologies for that but will honestly say...I understand how scary something like this is for you but parents are supposed to protect their children. Head butting is a horribly violent thing to do to a child and this boy will grow up feeling deeply violated. I still have flashbacks from my Dad slapping me round the face about 4 years ago and I was a grown woman. I do hope that whatever you choose to do you protect your children from this man and let them know they come first and that Dad's behavior is not okay. I also hope you let your kids see a counsellor. How traumatic.

If I remember rightly Op, your h was away for a couple of weeks with work?

Please use this time to regroup, and gather strength,I think you're going to need it :(

Have you told anyone in rl about any of it? Please do, you could do with some support

This is not your fault, you're absolutely doing the right thing now.

Good luck.

Whoa......

Wtf?

OP you are coming across as weirdly under-reacting to the assault of your child. The most likely reason is having put up with a gradual increase in unacceptable behaviour. You seem well aware that things went too far long ago but need a little confidence boost to help you raise the drawbridge.

You will get a lot of help from mn but please re-assure us that you have changed the locks, fitted an alarm, notified the school etc of seperation pending divorce and (if you have read Lundy) have a solid back-up escape plan in place should this man decide to follow past trends and increase the level of danger he poses to you and your children.

Stand firm and expect the unexpected, you must be in charge now and never allow this man to call the shots again and that means closing every possible loophole. You sound like you are headed in the right direction but never again presume that there is a limit to the danger your children are in.

OP, your attitude appears to be very skewed.

In it's simplest form, a MAN has physically assaulted a BOY.

The actual form is that a parent (who would be naturally expected to care for and safeguard their child) has physically AND psychologically assaulted their own son whilst the other parent (who would be naturally expected to care for and safeguard their child) has done nothing to bring about this parent's arrest for their criminal act. Your 'he won't be coming back to live this house' stance is enforceable only if the property is solely in your name. If the home is jointly owned or you are joint tenants then he will be able to legally walk back into the house and live there.

If you decide that then is the time to call the police, they, and child protection are going to want to know the reason why you sat on your hands when the assault took place.

You'd better think very carefully because two weeks down the line when your husband returns, you could be facing circumstances very, very different to those which you would face now if you report the crime.

Please do the right thing here. Your children are reliant on you for their physical and emotional safety - do not fail them for fear of job loss/income decrease or what? embarrassment at Children's Services getting involved?

How odd that after everything that has been said (and deleted) on your thread, you would take issue with one individual poster. I haven't said anything that has not already been thrown at you, much of it a lot less measured than my approach. The aghast response to both your first and second posts which was almost universally unanimous tells it's own story.

Nobody takes any more notice of me than anyone else. You are mistaken there.

I am not an expert but I think its sometimes common for people abused by family members to weirdly under-react in this way. I think part of the shock / disbelief process.

By not reporting this O.P you are every bit as guilty.
Also A.F wasn't goading she's concerned for your children as we all are.
Oh and Tori or anyone else. what is an I.P address just curious

IP addresses explained

As I said upthread, I strongly oppose any attempts at outing or otherwise tracing anonymous posters on the internet, no matter how distressing the subject matter

No, I think thats unfair.
The op is not every bit as guilty.
She, at least, is trying to do what's best, in her eyes, for her son.
Her stbxh had no such intention.

Hope your son's alright op?

OP - you post at 5pm about a deliberate, pre-announced head butting by an adult man against a child whom he has pinned up against a wall by a chair, and which causes the child's head to be bashed back against a wall. The only question you ask is, has he crossed a line here?

Nothing for three and a half hours, and then another post which says no time to read replies, am v busy on rl stuff.

If you are for real, this is very odd. What on earth could be more rl than your son's safety?

And then you round on one particular poster for asking about this!

If this is symptomatic of your reactions in rl, then it's probably not AF's attitude you should be looking at.

TheLineIsWhere. OP, you don't need to keep justifying yourself. You have bigger fish to fry at the moment and defending yourself on an anonymous forum is not worth your energy.

What about discussing what your 'D'H did to your son with someone who is experienced and trained in domestic abuse (it is domestic abuse isn't it?)

I don't really understand why you wouldn't report the head butting. It is a very extreme thing to have done. Much worse than a shove or even a smack.

My ex (a lovely man, we are still on excellent terms, just not right for each other) was a teacher in rough inner city schools, with a couple of hundred pupils in each year, for 10 years. He now works in an exclusive international school, they have around 20 pupils each year, the parents are the super rich, diplomats and heads of industry. He is dealing with more child protection issues than he ever has before. One thing I found desperately sad is the children whose parents were so absent they didn't have a family just an ever changing rota of staff, for all their money and opportunity these children would give their right arm for the poor, slightly chaotic, but loving, non abusive families that the majority of his previous pupils had.

My Dad should have had a shit childhood growing up, his mother was widowed young, they scraped by for money and he had to leave school at 15 to get a job. But you know what he always say says? None of it matters as I always knew I was loved and my mum always made me feel safe.

Max are you pissed? Seen a couple of your posts tonight, they're weird and unhelpful

Having read the whole thread, it strikes me that the OP had previously felt the situation was controllable as the H was away so much and that his behaviour, while contemptible, had never previously involved violence against any family members. It's quite easy, in an abuse situation where the abuse is really intermittent, to keep thinking that you can put up with it for the moment - I get the impression that OP has been steadily putting together plans to get rid of the man for some time. Unfortunately, such situations do tend to escalate to a dangerous level, and if you've trained yourself to minimize the damage and keep on plotting, you may not react fast enough.