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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

H headbutted ds......advice please

571 replies

thelineiswhere · 09/09/2014 16:55

H (definitely not 'd'h) had been drinking bottled beers at home on Sunday afternoon.

He then decided to go to the supermarket as he often does on a Sunday afternoon to buy more bottled beers and some food items for his own personal consumption. (Money is not the issue here, so the shopping thing is a red herring but bear with me).

He was gone for several hours and I suspect he went to the pub for a couple of hours as when he came back he smelt of beer.

I was giving the kids some tea at this point and he dumped his shopping in the kitchen and hung round the table in the dining area adjacent to the kitchen winding the kids up ended up annoying ds in some way and ds told him to go away. H can be very annoying under the influence as he pushes the kids until they snap, I usually walk away but the kids were at the table eating. Anyway he wouldn't go away and was leaning in to them invading their personal space so to speak and ds pushed him away but it was like a hit on h's chest rather than a push and with that h had him pinned up against the wall with a chair and said "d you know what I do to people that hit me..... I headbutt them" and proceeded to bash his head against ds's which bashed back against the wall. Younger child was yelling at h to get off ds and leave him alone.

Ds was shocked and we all kind of yelled at h to stop. He started to tell me it was my fault and if I didn't start to... but never finished his sentence.

I reassured the kids later that h was very wrong to do this and checked ds wasn't injured.

h didn't speak to any of us for the rest of the evening as kids went to bed after a bath/shower.

Has he crossed a line here ? Things have been bad between us, he barely speaks to me at all but I assumed he'd snap out of it eventually like he always does.

OP posts:
ThatBloodyWoman · 10/09/2014 23:07

Nor accurate....

I should think we've all reported the post for deletion....

dadwood · 10/09/2014 23:08

I did

LiberalLibertines · 10/09/2014 23:08

notasdaftasilook no, you're dafter, anything intelligent/constructive to add? Nope thought not. Reported.

AnyFucker · 10/09/2014 23:08

and the second post by OP was "badly worded" too ? No, not buying that.

OP you said yesterday that "you had reasons for staying at present". If he is away from home just now, what has changed since then ?

FrontForward · 10/09/2014 23:09

I totally understand your post OP. Good luck. The only caution I would give (I have been in your shoes) is to bear in mind that whilst you seek to minimise effect on Dc (I applaud a sensitive response for DS in not linking guilt Sunday) not having this documented carries risk. You probably need something to protect you for when he does kick off. He will when the divorce reality hits him

LiberalLibertines · 10/09/2014 23:09

I sincerely hope, for all of you, that this is true Op.

Notasdaftasilook · 10/09/2014 23:10

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

PacificDogwood · 10/09/2014 23:11

I don't see how this split can be painless; I'd aim for 'fast' tbh.
With very good legal representation.

Original poster
thelineiswhere · 10/09/2014 23:13

AF the risk of outing myself is too great to go into that. I'm not "leaving" now because h has effectively "left" the marital home instead as he can't come home and he'll have to remain away with any access visits with the kids supervised by me (with back-up).
.

He may start a course of therapy in the belief that I'll change my mind and allow him home once it's underway but that's just buying time for me. I can't go back to ever having him back living with us permanently again, not after Sunday's behaviour.

OP posts:
TracyBarlow · 10/09/2014 23:13

OP it sounds like you're moving in the right direction Thanks

With regard to the lessons you are teaching your children, I do hope that you will teach them that is someone assaults them, they should report it to the police. Even if (and actually, especially if) that person is someone in authority or someone who has an emotional hold over them.

I now it is easy to as these things from the other side of a keyboard, and much, much more difficult to follow them through when it's your life, but do think hard about reporting it.

FrontForward · 10/09/2014 23:14

I agree with Pacific. It will not be painless unfortunately but I understand you seeking to minimise what is already painful. It's impossible to get it right.

TracyBarlow · 10/09/2014 23:14

*know

Biscoff · 10/09/2014 23:16

You still need to report this to the police.

machair · 10/09/2014 23:17

Pull yourself together woman. The man is a bully and a thug. (I also think it is disgusting for a married man with children to be drunk on a Sunday afternoon. What kind of example is he setting?

thornrose · 10/09/2014 23:20

They also stand up for themselves around him if required. The damage being done is seeing parents who don't love each other in the death throes of a marriage that may have been the case until the day one of your children was head butted by his father.

The damage being done has now gone way beyond seeing 2 parents who don't love each other. Don't you see that?

My mum didn't protect me from my dad and I still hate her for it.

AnyFucker · 10/09/2014 23:21

OK, thanks for answering me. I am not going to speculate further on your reasons.

Can you explain why, in your second post, you so were so tremendously dismissive of people's justified concerns, to the point where you basically said you couldn't be arsed to read the replies and you had better things to do in your busy life.

To be honest, it was the impression that respondents gained from these few sentences that sent this thread spinning off into something less than useful for you.

I hope the massive concern for your children displayed here and has helped in some way to strengthen your resolve.

However, I don't think you should be supervising the contact your H has with the children yourself. You are still trying to micro manage this situation and there is a certain amount of foolhardy arrogance in that. I hope you do not regret it, but mostly I am concerned that your children will pay the price for it.

YakInAMac · 10/09/2014 23:26

All strength to you, OP. Thanks for updating, and especially for confirming that this man will not be coming back into yours / the children's home.

Will you be seeking legal advice and support before he comes back?

How will you manage access / his requests for access once you are separated and divorced? I think you need to seek legal advice on this given his violence when drunk.

How did he react when you said he could not come back into the home?

I would be very wary of a man who can announce that he is going to nut his child, and then does it. It's a really dangerous thing to do.

Good luck, OP.

Original poster
thelineiswhere · 10/09/2014 23:27

If a 15 year old big brother is babysitting his younger siblings and whacks his little sister in the face (resulting in bruising round the eye) because she deliberately smashed his carefully constructed highly complex airfix model should it be reported to the police the Tracy ? Or should the parents be reported to social services for leaving a 15 year old in charge of 2 younger kids for a couple of hours.
Some children find the police or the though thereof very scary - how much do we seek to traumatize our children in the pursuit of justice / retribution?

OP posts:
thornrose · 10/09/2014 23:29

A 15 year old brother whacking his sibling cannot be compared with physical abuse by a parent. Confused

AnyFucker · 10/09/2014 23:29

Some stuff needs to be punished. Children need to learn there are consequences for some actions. You smoothing over the fact that his dad headbutted him is traumatising for your son.

YakInAMac · 10/09/2014 23:35

"in your second post, you so were so tremendously dismissive of people's justified concerns, to the point where you basically said you couldn't be arsed to read the replies and you had better things to do in your busy life.

To be honest, it was the impression that respondents gained from these few sentences "

This was not the impression I gained from the OP's second post at all! Not disimissive, not 'can't be arsed'.

The head of steam towards blaming a poster and thinking the worst of a poster rises very quickly on these threads.

OP: just get on with what you have to do.

AnyFucker · 10/09/2014 23:38

Yak, I am being very reasonable towards the OP. Let her answer, or not answer. You may not have formed the same impression I did, but lots of other people did, evidently.

if you look at my questions carefully, you will see I am trying to help OP to redeem this thread, if she is interested

if not, that is up to her

thornrose · 10/09/2014 23:39

how much do we seek to traumatize our children in the pursuit of justice / retribution? your child is already traumatized by being headbutted by his dad, the man who is supposed to love and protect him.

Your husband deserves to be punished for his vile behaviour and your son will benefit from seeing that happen.

ThatBloodyWoman · 10/09/2014 23:40

Op, just keep your children and yourself safe, and good luck for the future Flowers

AnyFucker · 10/09/2014 23:42

OP cannot keep her children safe without professional involvement, I am afraid