H headbutted ds......advice please

[thelineiswhere]

H (definitely not 'd'h) had been drinking bottled beers at home on Sunday afternoon.

He then decided to go to the supermarket as he often does on a Sunday afternoon to buy more bottled beers and some food items for his own personal consumption. (Money is not the issue here, so the shopping thing is a red herring but bear with me).

He was gone for several hours and I suspect he went to the pub for a couple of hours as when he came back he smelt of beer.

I was giving the kids some tea at this point and he dumped his shopping in the kitchen and hung round the table in the dining area adjacent to the kitchen winding the kids up ended up annoying ds in some way and ds told him to go away. H can be very annoying under the influence as he pushes the kids until they snap, I usually walk away but the kids were at the table eating. Anyway he wouldn't go away and was leaning in to them invading their personal space so to speak and ds pushed him away but it was like a hit on h's chest rather than a push and with that h had him pinned up against the wall with a chair and said "d you know what I do to people that hit me..... I headbutt them" and proceeded to bash his head against ds's which bashed back against the wall. Younger child was yelling at h to get off ds and leave him alone.

Ds was shocked and we all kind of yelled at h to stop. He started to tell me it was my fault and if I didn't start to... but never finished his sentence.

I reassured the kids later that h was very wrong to do this and checked ds wasn't injured.

h didn't speak to any of us for the rest of the evening as kids went to bed after a bath/shower.

Has he crossed a line here ? Things have been bad between us, he barely speaks to me at all but I assumed he'd snap out of it eventually like he always does.

I remember when one MNer ( similar circs) ended up with ss on her doorstep. Can't remember too many details. It was another MNer I think who alerted them.

Safeguarding issue.

What is MNHQ's policy on this?

I remember that, HSS

To be fair though, that bloody daft OP had previously shared shed loads of RL information and made herself massively identifiable, IIRC

From MN's Privacy Policy:

We do not, as a clear and overarching rule, pass on your information, unless you specifically consent to us doing so or we are specifically required to by law. However, on rare occasions where there appears to be a clear need to safeguard the welfare of a Mumsnetter and/or his/her family, it may be necessary to contact relevant authorities about a clearly identifiable member and his/her posts on Mumsnet.

Hopefully they will be considering this?

She wasn't far wrong, aer, with what goes on.

It is possible to track someone down through those means and the police do it. The Sun newspaper was having a massive moan about it last week because the police basically hacked them to get the IP and other details of the person who leaked 'plebgate' as part of a criminal inquiry.

The question as to whether they would actually do that for a domestic is a moot one though.

I don't agree that posters on here, no matter how stark and worrying the thread, should be tracked down in RL. Absolutely not.

Wow what a turn this thread has taken.

I'm astounded if this is a real thread at op behaviour BUT calls for MN and the police track g them down will scare off other posters from reaching out for help.

Bad route to go down.

Well it is a child protection issue surely ... a child being head butted intentionally by his parent? but I don't know whether MN report concerns or not.
Leaving thread.

It's a fine line a guess. I don't know in what circumstances MN apply that policy.

I'm not too clear about how safeguarding policies apply on the internet.

Generally I'm not drawn to relationship threads, but this one.... I don't know, I struggled to get to sleep last night. Couldn't stop thinking about them.

this is an anonymous website

people need to be able to post here in confidence

however appalled I am by the scenario (and I am) I think the op did take a step in posting here, and others in similar situations would think twice before reaching out if they thought for one moment they could be tracked down

it is true, and unfortunately very unpalateable, that there are children the length and breadth of the UK (and elsewhere) in equally bad situations

it doesn't take anything away from this one, and although I think this particular Op may be a lost cause, there are others out there who are not

The sad thing is that these kind of things happen all the time, all over the country, in all sorts of families and, of course, in every conceivable social class.

I am heartened to hear so many people who clearly know about safeguarding issues and who will speak up for children they suspect might be abused in RL. It can be a hard thing to do, being a whistle blower, even when one is not somebody in the midst of the abuse and more able to see the situation objectively.

x-post, AF.

Much as you're, on the whole, shocked at what goes on behind closed doors in someone else's home I'm shocked (but not surprised) at the wild interpretation/misinterpretation of some of the OP and projection/speculation based thereon.

I did not say I walk away when h is winding up the kids, what sane parent would do that ? I walk away when h is annoying me when he's had a certain amount of beers. I'm always around for the kids when they're home, h does practically nothing with/for them. I have no social life in the evenings/weekends that doesn't involve being with the kids.

Ds is not being physically bullied at school - He has an issue with 1 or 2 kids being mean to him since term started a week ago (he has a suitably large circle of friends, he is not majorly isolated or anything), it's just a sudden thing that's blown up in respect of a mean kid and their sidekick(s) presumably deciding it's ds's turn to be picked on this term.

Ds did not IME require a trip to A & E as a result of the incident. If I remotely thought he did I would have taken him myself.

The kids and I do not and have never walked on eggshells around h. They take their cue from me and I call him more and more on his bullshit. They also stand up for themselves around him if required. The damage being done is seeing parents who don't love each other in the death throes of a marriage. H would never have moved out voluntarily so it would have dragged on through a divorce which he was always, IMHO, going to contest and drag his heels over in one way or another at every fecking stage but now sadly I have genuine reason to enforce that he lives elsewhere whilst the paperwork and divorce process is in progress.

I asked "has he crossed a line here" because that was what I told him on Monday morning (there would have been absolutely no point in saying this on the Sunday afternoon when he was drunk) and pardon me for seeking a little validation of the phrasing I used when speaking to him before he left on Monday.

He knows he is not welcome back because I have since told him that I consider that I could lose the kids if I allow him to come back into the house after what happened on Sunday afternoon.

I'm very much trying to ensure that the kids don't see daddy having to live elsewhere as their (or indeed my) fault in anyway and it's just possible that ds will feel it's due to him if this isn't handled right over the incident on Sunday. I've read so many accounts of children believing they caused a marriage break-up and how it affected them for a long long time.

Some posters have been helpful in their advice and I thank them for considering the matter carefully before posting.

I, and no-one else, am in control of the situation and my kids are physically safe and will remain so from now on. I now need to work on limiting the emotional damage, assessing the situation to date and reassuring/reversing where possible.

I'm sorry if this isn't drama llama / emotive language overload enough for MN relationships threads but I'm a practical, get on with it kind of woman. Now that I've taken the first steps I'll be following through as I generally do on tasks.

Genuinely, good luck, theline.

You must get this incidence on record though otherwise you cannot protect you children wrt to future contact. Get. It. On. Record. Make sure it is YOU you reports it so you can be seen to be protecting your children. Otherwise not reporting it can be used against you.

OP, you said you had "reasons for staying at present"

What has changed since then ?

Well, if you're a "practical, get on with it kind of woman" I hope you will make sure your children will no longer be abused by your partner.

Anything else is just hot air.

Wishing you the strength to do it.

Hi OP. Well done re-engaging with this thread!

Good news, OP. But another one saying how important it is that you report this, to avoid him doing this or worse to you dcs when they are in his care again.

If you don't report it,could you not end up in a situation where he has unsupervised access?

This would then be something thats always possibly a few beers away.

I'm really really relieved that you're not allowing him access to the children or you at present though, and that you are determined to make this the final episode in your marriage.

If your last post is true I applaud you.

Good luck.

Good luck OP, you sound like you are in control. You update is reassuring.

I know some of the posts on this thread have been very emotive but it was in response to your OP - which was a bit worrying to say the least. It seemed shocking that you were were unsure whether you 'D'H head butting your child was 'crossing a line'. Having read your update it's clear that you are very aware that he has crossed a line and that your OP was badly worded.

I hope everything settles down soon and that the split is as painless as possible. It must be a very difficult time for you and your children. I hope you have some good RL support too.

not helpful notasdaftasilook