H headbutted ds......advice please

[thelineiswhere]

H (definitely not 'd'h) had been drinking bottled beers at home on Sunday afternoon.

He then decided to go to the supermarket as he often does on a Sunday afternoon to buy more bottled beers and some food items for his own personal consumption. (Money is not the issue here, so the shopping thing is a red herring but bear with me).

He was gone for several hours and I suspect he went to the pub for a couple of hours as when he came back he smelt of beer.

I was giving the kids some tea at this point and he dumped his shopping in the kitchen and hung round the table in the dining area adjacent to the kitchen winding the kids up ended up annoying ds in some way and ds told him to go away. H can be very annoying under the influence as he pushes the kids until they snap, I usually walk away but the kids were at the table eating. Anyway he wouldn't go away and was leaning in to them invading their personal space so to speak and ds pushed him away but it was like a hit on h's chest rather than a push and with that h had him pinned up against the wall with a chair and said "d you know what I do to people that hit me..... I headbutt them" and proceeded to bash his head against ds's which bashed back against the wall. Younger child was yelling at h to get off ds and leave him alone.

Ds was shocked and we all kind of yelled at h to stop. He started to tell me it was my fault and if I didn't start to... but never finished his sentence.

I reassured the kids later that h was very wrong to do this and checked ds wasn't injured.

h didn't speak to any of us for the rest of the evening as kids went to bed after a bath/shower.

Has he crossed a line here ? Things have been bad between us, he barely speaks to me at all but I assumed he'd snap out of it eventually like he always does.

I have only just seen this thread.

I am horrified.

Has he crossed the line? Are you ffing kidding?

I would have kicked him out immediately.

And you call yourself a "professional" type?!

I know all too well the pressures of living in an abusive relationship. I know how difficult it is to get out of one. But I am getting out now before it's too late before there is even the slightest chance of something horrific like this happening

Op if my H headbutted my child, my god I think I would kill him. Red mist doesn't cover it - I would scratch his fucking eyes out and take my children straight to the local police station.

I just cannot for the life of me understand why you didn't do anything. I really can't.

Oh God. This makes me feel sick. I was terribly bullied at school and physically and mentally abused at home and it is awful. You never feel safe, you live your entire childhood in a state of fear, never able to relax and you grow into an adult who's a nervous wreck because you're frightened all the time and you expect every interaction to end with a physical or verbal slap.

My Dad and Gran did nothing because it made their lives easier and more convenient to ignore or excuse the abuse from my mother and brother. I was the whipping boy (well girl) who took it all to make their lives better. They sacrificed me the same way the OP is doing. She says there is a 'situation' but no situation or reasons should prevent that child being removed from harms way. I ask my Gran now why she didn't take me away or stop my Mum from doing it and she says she 'couldn't' but I will never accept that. A decent adult would have stepped in and stopped it. What she did was complicit to the abuse and the OP's son will feel the same.

What the OP is doing is the same. Her 'reasons' whatever they are, basically boil down to the fact that it makes her life easier that she accepts her child is being abused and allows it to continue while she justifies herself and makes excuses. There is no excuse in this country for a woman to stay in a home where her child is being hurt (or a father for that matter). No reason that doesn't boil down to the parent expecting their child to take the pain because they are selfish and it makes their life easier.

Yes a line was crossed. I can sort if understand that you want to make your "getaway" or future single life as secure as possible, particularly financially. But you really need to do something now to protect your children. You're lucky your sons nose wasn't broken or worse. Will the school not have asked him what happened?!

Wipsglitter, that's exactly what I'm getting at. Is future financial security really worth your son getting assaulted? Because to me that's akin to handing my son to someone and allowing them to headbutt him if they give me £20k. It doesn't matter whether the monetary reward is now or in the future this is selling your child's physical safety for cash. It's not worth it. If someone offered you £100k to headbutt your child would you take it? No you would be horrified, but that's exactly what the OP is bartering. That child is taking blows because it will make his mother financially comfortable. It's just morally wrong in every way.

OP, if you are real and if you are reading...

My family were also 'professional' types (teacher, accountant) and though the abuse I suffered at the hands of my mother ('only' emotional abuse, and not anything like the horrific scene you describe) wasn't as bad as the abuse your children are suffering, the similarity is that my father would sit back, as you are doing, and do nothing. Nothing to reduce my mum's rages, nothing to stop her saying violent, hurtful things, nothing to stop her crossing the line for the sort of thing you should ever say to children. N.O.T.H.I.N.G.

He was a grown man and he could - SHOULD - have made her get help, or at the very least tell her, just once, to STOP.

fwiw I had two nervous breakdowns in my early 20s, and a lifelong eating disorder, all because of my sky-high levels of anxiety. I never felt safe in my own home, not because of physical violence but because of the uncertainty of angering an abusive, boundary-less adult.

I still suffer pretty chronic anxiety to this day.

Years and years and thousands of ££ worth of therapy have helped, but not solved the problem.

I was only lucky that I found an amazing DH who helped me out of it all as otherwise I think I would just have fallen into a pattern of bad relationships as I didn't really know what affection/safe feelings are.

I was bullied at school too - I think kids pick up on another child's unhappiness and insceurity and it can make them a target.

I wouldn't wish it on anyone and in all honesty I don't think what happened to me was anything like what happened to your son.

Just letting you know that no matter what you tell yourself - and I have never been in your precise position so I can't possibly presume to comment on what is going through your mind to tolerate this - your children are suffering.

If you're real, I hope you're trying to find a way to get out.

If you're not real, well then I despair of the world a little more than I already do.

Some v v good advice on here and I hope you can understand why some people are very upset, this is triggering for a lot of people - if real. I'm definitely one of them and can't stop checking the thread to see if you've come back.

OP I would suggest that you have a look on napac.org to see exactly what affect abuse has on survivors and see if you still want to stay.

I am sorry, emerald.

Oh AnyFucker that's so nice of you :) :)

Really i am pretty good these days but it has been a long road... Just wanted to let the OP know that awful damage is awful damage no matter how 'nice' the family, in fact in some ways a 'nice' family can be worse as people have more to lose and things are even more hidden iyswim?

But thanks AnyFucker that was lovely of you x

I totally agree, emerald. The stereotype of only the "rough" family being an abusive one is very damaging, IMO. Abuse is rife in all walks of life.

OP - I have never admitted this on here before but I feel compelled to in the hope that it speeds up your plans to get away from your H.

I was 13 when I first attempted suicide.

I was beaten badly at home, my DM was too scared and hid while it happened and then begged me to be quiet when I was crying. She always denied it happened. I was in therapy at 13, tried to end my short life so many times. God only knows how I'm still here.

Please, your DCs are at such a delicate age. Don't let money or careers get in the way of their future.

oh, cotton

Given that OP hasn't come back to this thread, I would suggest that the everyone sharing incredibly personal details on an open forum, that they try to protect themselves a little rather than trying to help the OP. Who is clearly not interested.

You won't help her kids (if they are real) by divulging very personal information here.

Remember the Late Clarissa Dickson wright?
She was physically abused by her father for years.
And in her memoirs she wrote that she didn't consider it dv as she was being hit over the head with an antique ormolu clock :(

The OP may not have returned but the stories may help others who are in a similar position and are reading, not commenting.

I agree shlurbop

Thanks AF

If this isn't real then hopefully it helps others. No child should be scared.

Outer I don't think anybody is sharing anything which could identify them. Do you honestly think these type of stories are so uncommon we could be identified by them? If you think that's the case you're both naive and wrong.

My family were also middle class. My mother used to threaten me with care as the alternative and say she 'would put me in there and they'd sexually abuse me'. Naice.

to all of you who've survived abuse of one kind of another.
How very brave and generous to post on this thread.

Thanks aer, no I'm not naive.

I think it costs someone a lot personally to share this stuff sometimes, and if the OP isn't interested then maybe they should not expend that energy.

But obviously anyone can post what they like.

I'm not the thread police evidently.

Can I just point out (the obvious, I know, I know) that we have no idea whether the OP is reading this or not.
We have no idea who screwed up her head is. Or not.

I genuinely have nothing but respect and admiration for those of you who have shared your own stories and experiences of abuse. But just because for many of you the moment your DCs were threatened or abused gave you the impetus that you needed to leave or seek help or whatever does NOT mean that the same is true for the OP or for many other abused women/families

The fact that the OP appears to be reacting differently from all of you is a. not unusual and b. does not mean that this thread won't spur her in to action. We can only hope.

As I've said before, I think she's got everybody's point.

to everyone who has shared their very personal experiences. I sincerely hope the OP is reading and has taken to heart what you have all described.

What a disturbing thread...

If I worked at MNHQ I'd be asking for the OP,s IP address to be passed onto the police... is that even possible in a legal/right to privacy way, no idea...

I left a violent relationship when DS was a baby - you'd have to get over my dead body if you wanted to harm my child!

Having a good lifestyle or having luxuries starts to smell odious when people/children's safety and happiness is the price to pay.

I desperately hope OP is reading and taking it all in and starting to get some clarity in how wrong this is.

Oh, and yes, to all who shared their stories. Very brave. And I,m so sorry you had to go through that.....

Child protection issue surely?How does MN stand with this?