H headbutted ds......advice please

[thelineiswhere]

H (definitely not 'd'h) had been drinking bottled beers at home on Sunday afternoon.

He then decided to go to the supermarket as he often does on a Sunday afternoon to buy more bottled beers and some food items for his own personal consumption. (Money is not the issue here, so the shopping thing is a red herring but bear with me).

He was gone for several hours and I suspect he went to the pub for a couple of hours as when he came back he smelt of beer.

I was giving the kids some tea at this point and he dumped his shopping in the kitchen and hung round the table in the dining area adjacent to the kitchen winding the kids up ended up annoying ds in some way and ds told him to go away. H can be very annoying under the influence as he pushes the kids until they snap, I usually walk away but the kids were at the table eating. Anyway he wouldn't go away and was leaning in to them invading their personal space so to speak and ds pushed him away but it was like a hit on h's chest rather than a push and with that h had him pinned up against the wall with a chair and said "d you know what I do to people that hit me..... I headbutt them" and proceeded to bash his head against ds's which bashed back against the wall. Younger child was yelling at h to get off ds and leave him alone.

Ds was shocked and we all kind of yelled at h to stop. He started to tell me it was my fault and if I didn't start to... but never finished his sentence.

I reassured the kids later that h was very wrong to do this and checked ds wasn't injured.

h didn't speak to any of us for the rest of the evening as kids went to bed after a bath/shower.

Has he crossed a line here ? Things have been bad between us, he barely speaks to me at all but I assumed he'd snap out of it eventually like he always does.

How could we do that when, by her own admission (if this is a real situation) she hasn't read any of the replies to her OP ?

I think the op is reading tbh.
Many violent situations at home require the act of camouflage, and its a tricky habit to break.

If the op is real, then I too think she is reading. She's not engaging though. Huge difference.

But she may be listening, and considering her position...

You do realise your son will be wondering why his mother hasn't protected him

Yes. Her position. What a pity she isn't considering her children's position first and foremost.

It makes me sadder to read that your son is being bullied at school too. Home should be a refuge, somewhere he feels safe and protected (the protection bit comes under the job description of 'mother' BTW)

You may well be amazed (or perhaps not) at how many people living in what would seem to most to be blindingly obviously abusive and dangerous, even life-threatening, situations do not even see that it is dangerous at all, so normal does it seem to them. That is not the case here, at least. I do think she is going to take action, I am just trying, if she is reading, to encourage her that this should be sooner (as in now) rather than later.

Quite so, Dudes.

There should be no ifs and buts here. I, personally, am completely resolute. If more people had been so there would be fewer Baby Ps, fewer Daniel Pelkas and fewer Victoria Climbies (and the whole fucking sorry thousands of others whose names are not right at the forefront of my mind right now)

No excuses. This woman (if real) is complicit. I have sympathy for women in abusive relationships, but it only goes so far. She witnessed a serious assault on her child. It won't be the first time, we know that. People do not generally disclose the first time, even to internet strangers.

Unless she and her kids are about to go into a witness protection programme any day now, supported by all the relevant professionals, then there is absolutely no reason I can see for inaction here.

Thank god anyfucker, I was starting to lose faith again. After being in a dv situation for years myself sometimes people who have never been in your situation can way overthink things as an attempt to justify why a human being can behave so despicably.

Leaving this thread now, it's opened up old wounds and I became far too invested in it.

Well thats a big assumption Sliced.

Sorry to hear that, Sliced. I understand what you are saying about having been in a DV yourself and still condemning out of hand this woman's inaction. Not in your name, as they say.

FWIW, in some of those situations where the female partner has also been sentenced for her part to play in the death of a child, I have always agreed with more clemency being shown to them, acknowledging that there may be reasons why they end up there.

But while it is still playing out, while someone is still standing by and bearing witness to it, no mercy from me I am afraid.

I repeat that I have no desire to make any excuses for anyone. What I am saying is that the only potential power we have in a forum like this, where we do not know who or where this family is or anything about them, is to try and support this woman to take action herself. Believe me, if I knew who they were I would immediately be reporting the situation myself, and in my work I often have to do such things. But we do not have the power to do that here, we can only hope to act by proxy. Support for action rather than censure for inaction is in my view more likely to get the desired result here.

There are, unfortunately because of the specific environment in which this discussion is occurring, many ifs ands and buts, because we cannot actually do anything ourselves. If we can influence the OP to take action that will be a positive. And her children may be protected. But we cannot take any action ourselves (not at all analogous to the cases you mention AF, where professionals were in a position to take action themselves but did not).

I have an almost 12 year old DS and this thread has brought tears to my eyes.
Bullied at school and at home. Poor poor boy.

There are situations where you are so under the power of someone that you feel you are protecting your loved ones from worse by putting up and shutting up, and its not at all about yourself.

Just saying, thats all.

Its not a one size fits all, and you should offer help before condemnation, if you don't know the circumstances.

OP doesn't want help. She has made that very clear. Why do you keep thinking that she does ?

It's clear she needs it, though.

I've just reread the opening post to check if it was as bad as I remembered, and it was . I wonder what on earth is going on? so sad.

So, she needs help.
Lets try to offer help then, rather than condemnation.
Same thing really!

what's the point if she's not reading the replies? I don't understand why she bothered starting the thread tbh. It's just worrying and upsetting people to no avail.

I remember my stepfather "restraining me" I bit him hard, he beat my mums head against a wall and she still took him back. I can not say this strongly enough LTB, and I never say that!

I'm bowing out here again.

Op, if you are still reading, take that step to protect your children.

I think I have also said all I can under the current circumstances. I only hope the OP is reading and does come back to tell people that she is, many people have been quite upset by this, I am sure, and it is made worse by the silence from the other end.

Read the first few pages and then skipped to the end in the hope that things would have moved on, but it doesn't seem so. I just want to say, op if you are still reading, ss exist to help someone like you who would struggle to deal with this situation otherwise. They are not there to get you in trouble or dob you in to your boss. You seem to fear it as if you will be getting in trouble...

If you take the first steps, you will be working with them to protect your precious children. Anyway I'm out of my depth here, but please go to the police.... if your job doesn't understand the circumstances, then I personally wouldn't want to work for an organization like that...