Fiance got life insurance...is this odd or AIBU....?

[lotteryplease]

I have lived with fiance for 3.5 years, financially dependent on him as I gave up my job to relocate with him for his work. I have a child (8) who lives with us full time (no Dad) and he has a child (6) who lives with us every other weekend.

Fiance just got a £100,000 life insurance policy and made his son the only beneficiary.

Don't know why but this really stung for some reason.

thoughts? or am I being a cow about this?

I said to Fiance (nicely) that it was odd not to include me, that me and my child are his dependants too and he sort of brushed off.

lottery We are all strangers on the internet. Clearly you've posted about something that is off and we don't see how you are together on a day to day basis when things are good. Absolutely people on MN can only respond to what you say.

Having said that, you are in a very vulnerable position and you clearly feel something is 'off'. Your DP should take that seriously.

Looking are your comments:

He takes on a lot of extra curricular activities without talking to me first.
Does he afford you the same luxury? Is he expecting you to take up slack as a result? He will have more free time I assume because he has his DS EOW, but could be an issue if you're planning DC together. (Also, to be pedantic if he's adopting your son...etc.)

If we run into old friends of his he doesn't introduce me.
As you say, this might be friends from when he was with ex. Not great, but doesn't sound like a massive deal-breaker if he's telling his friends / colleagues that he sees now how wonderful you are.

He doesn't let me have any of his passwords (he has all mine)
DP and I are bit lax with these things, but tbh I don't think couples have to share all passwords. If he's a security expert I wouldn't expect him to share passwords or to want a password of mine that he wouldn't give me. As long as this doesn't impact you directly (e.g. he won't share the router password, or the joint online gas bill or whatever) I don't see that this is an issue. Sharing too much can cause problems in itself.

He doesn't make any effort with my family.
Red flag here. Is there a reason for this? Is it differing backgrounds / expectations (my DP hasn't always made enough effort with my family, but then less effort is expected in his family, so we try to keep each other right )

If I try and talk about serious stuff he tries to have sex with me
That would worry me. He's a grown man with an fiancee, child and ex-wife. He has to be able to hold grown-up discussions.

Ultimately OP only you can decide how important this is to you, but you are financially vulnerable.

You are a fiancée. He has a legitimate child to take care of. The childs mothers wealth is neither here nor there; its outrageous you think he shouldnt leave his child any inheritance because the mother is wealthy .

You and your childs father are responsible for that childs inheritance. The fact you choose to keep the father from your child is neither here nor there really.

When you and you DP formalise your relationship and get married - then you have the right to complain. But he has no obligation to make provision for his live in lovers child from a previous. The child is not a legal step child.

I dunno, I quite like serious discussions

As parents you should be having them to set the ground rules so you all know where you fit in this big picture

it seems, OP, he is making it up as he goes along and you are like a lackey running behind desperately trying to catch up

as a shit hot professional in your old life, I don't imagine this will be enough for you for very long, unless you are booked in for a lobotomy some time soon ?

Admit is right.

You are have been acting like you are already long term married. Relocation for his work, leaving your job, using all your savings because of moves that benefited only one of you, not worrying about whose money is whose. Except you aren't long term married.

He is behaving like he has a gf with a child from a previous relationship. The insurance, the tenancy, the bills, the cageyness about his privacy, your opinion on his big stuff not mattering.

You've made yourself utterly dependent on his goodwill.

It is obvious what he gets out of this. And how easily he could exit.

What about you?

EarthWindFire -no, but his DC has a mother. Mine has no Father. If I died, his DC would continue with both parents and both have jobs and money to support him. However if the boot was on the other foot - I would have got an insurance policy that covered both children. No question at all!

LuvDaMorso That's hilarious.

So there you go.

You sort out you and your dc financial stability and future and stop depending on him.

He has no obligation to provide for either of you.

Quite obviously he is going to protect his own dc. I would be shocked if he didn't have a policy to ensure this.

LuveDaMorso No, he has no claim on my business. It might be a year or so before I make decent money.

Buggers Yes he would let me do whatever I liked and he'd never complain, he is always encouraging, he'd even babysit happily. He's 95% a good bloke.

AdmitYouKnowIamRight My child's father CHOOSES not to see his son. Most certainly not MY choice, you just assumed that. In fact I have bent over backwards (even paying for flights and hotels for him) to try to get him to do it and he does not want to. My DC was abandoned by that man.

In terms of my fiance and his responsibilities, which you think I have tried to force on him, that's not the case at all.

He asked for these responsibilities. He proposed to me with this note....

"Babe, I've said before that I cannot replace his Dad but I will be a father figure to him. That means teaching him stuff, sharing stuff, being what a Dad should be to him. You two come as a package. I've signed for that package. I promise I will look after him if anything ever happens to you. You have my word. And when we get married, we will look into how that can be legalised. "

So far from me trying to force him into parenting his "live-in lovers" child, he actually asked for this responsibility as part of being my partner and said he wanted it.

EarthWindFire -no, but his DC has a mother. Mine has no Father. If I died, his DC would continue with both parents and both have jobs and money to support him. However if the boot was on the other foot - I would have got an insurance policy that covered both children. No question at all!

Sorry but I do think that is double standards. You expect him to make provisions for your DC but you not do the reverse.

What his ex may or may not have is of no relevance to what he wants to leave his DC.

So, he is happy for you to leave yourself at his mercy for years ?

You two come as a package ? But not until he deigns to marry ypu

You never did say why such a long engagement. Whose idea was that ? Have you set a date, made any bookings ? Or is it just a vague idea ?

You need to force the issue. Tell him ou want to be married by the end of the year. His reaction will be telling. If he is so keen to look after you he would have suggested it already.

IF I died his DC would be financially completely unaffected in any way. HE is not dependent on me financially.

A long engagement to give my business a chance to be earning something. We could go and get married in the registry office but we both have big families and wanted to spend a few thousand on it that right now we don't have.

AnyFukcker I will try this anyway and report back.

LP, I think some people are simply not understanding how vulnerable you are, hence the wanging on about how you are not doing anything to provide for his son. How the fuck would you do that ?

I hope you are starting to understand, and that you are going to act accordingly.

I feel like I am repeating myself but why do you need to spend thousands on a big wedding ?

You both have dc from previous relationships. Come on, love. What is this all about ? A big frock and Happy Ever After or using your brain instead of your heart ? You have a son to consider, this ain't Romeo and Juliet.

We don't need to AnyFucker.

Whose idea was it to "save up" and put off the date for so long ?

Listen to the warnings here.

You know you are in a vulnerable position, and he is not acting as a committed partner would in relation to you.
Unless he has a will where he leaves you a proper inheritance, he is telling you quite clearly how you stand in relation to him at the moment.

You need to protect yourself and your son now. Many women get stung badly by being in your position. You have given up your independence for what, exactly?

At this moment, I'd bloody get a registry office wedding (and do the big party much later on when I could afford it), or would insist on much better legal protection.

And I would now get insurance to benefit my son in case I died. For the same amount as his.

Joint really. I wanted a summer wedding and it was an anniversary of the day we met. We had a couple of other family weddings and wanted to avoid those. I didn't think 18 months was unusual for an engagement. It didn't feel like a big deal.

Lewji Yes, I feel like he's not acting committed. I WILL do the insurance immediately.

In fact... I think you can insure him to benefit your son. Check it out.
I don't think it matters who makes the policy, just as long as it's paid.
It's essentially like a bet, insurance.

He says he will get a second policy for me, but I don't think he "gets" it, he says we can get married whenever and however I want.

OP. You need to have a really good think about how you want your life to be.

This thread was started about a life insurance policy, but we all know it's about a lot more than that.

You won't get your answer here, and you won't get it from him. It has to come from within you

Did you ever see yourself at the mercy and whims of a man when you were a young and fancy-free woman ?

Yes it is more than this