Fiance got life insurance...is this odd or AIBU....?

[lotteryplease]

I have lived with fiance for 3.5 years, financially dependent on him as I gave up my job to relocate with him for his work. I have a child (8) who lives with us full time (no Dad) and he has a child (6) who lives with us every other weekend.

Fiance just got a £100,000 life insurance policy and made his son the only beneficiary.

Don't know why but this really stung for some reason.

thoughts? or am I being a cow about this?

I said to Fiance (nicely) that it was odd not to include me, that me and my child are his dependants too and he sort of brushed off.

Sanfairyanne that's not it. it's that I trust HIM to decide what happens with my money because he is my LIFE PARTNER.

He has arranged it so that essentially if he dies I am persona non grata.

I think that even if you do marry you would not be entitled to this life assurance as it doesn't form part of the estate, it would still go to his son unless he changes that. So this problem won't go away if/when you marry.

This wouldn't sit right with me at all. At base it demonstrates he feels no obligation to your son as a father. I would now really worry about if the worst were to happen to you, the disparity between how the children would be treated.

I think you need to think of financial provision for your son but also a general re-look at your relationship.

OK then the conversation you have is that, you no longer feel secure or happy with the present arrangements. The insurance policy business highlighted that there is an imbalance/inconsistency in your various definitions of 'family', June is a long way off and you need something in place that offers you and your DS protection.

If he has an ounce of sense, he will take you seriously.

I get life insurance through work.
I have put my DD down as sole beneficiary.
I have OH and we have been together a while. Live together etc.... It's my house I earn decent money.
He has kids. He earns OK as well.
I wouldn't even think of adding him or his kids to my DD life insurance payout.
Seems odd to me?
But I seem to be the only one! So I wouldn't take much notice!

Agree with hellsbells.

I would put money on this wedding never happening. Sorry.

hellsbells... the difference between you and the OP is that your OH wouldn't be skint if you died tomorrow. He 'earns OK' whereas the OP earns next to nothing.

...and the OP gave up a lot to be with him

I completely agree (and I missed 2 whole pages - DOH) but maybe he's just thinking like me.
Rather than looking at the whole picture.

But if he just brushes everything off then I don't know how you have the conversation to change things.
Write to him maybe.
Make him read a letter so he can't interrupt you and minimise your feelings.

Op gave up all financial security, why oh why do women do this for nothing in return

Let this be a lesson to people: do not give up your financial security for a 'partner' with whom you have not even discussed finances intensively and made formal agreement or agreed to keep finances separate with fair division of bills.

Did the pair of you not discuss finances, wills, guardianship etc before you got engaged or before you gave up a job to move with him?

I agree with AF. There's no real reason to have such a long engagement when you both have kids and have lived life a while other than stalling.

I have no idea, Heels, but you see it so often.

FWIW I agree with rainbowinmyroom about the folly of giving up financial independence. I don't even think married people should be fully financially reliant on each other for any length of time if they can possibly help it. But I don't think that really helps the OP's current problems

The matter definitely needs to be brought up now, but it's possible the OP is afraid of rocking the boat in case the man calls off the wedding.

OP, let this be a wake-up call for you

Take off your romantic rose tinted specs and Get Real

You have made yourself very, very vulnerable. It's done now but if you had asked for advice on MN about whether giving up your job to put yourself in this precarious position (with a child in tow) was a good idea, the answer would have been a resounding NO

I suggest you swiftly and decisively make this right, and take no fucking flannel. If you are clear this man is your long term future, insist the wedding is brought forward. You can organise a wedding in a matter of weeks.

if there is any resistance when he realises why this would be a good idea financially for you, then you have your answer. And that would be he has no intention of marrying you. What possible reasons were there for such a long "engagement". You have both been around the block a time or two, both have DC from prior relationships. This isn't the feckin' movies, FGS. If finances are tight, it can be done on the cheap.

Tbh though, my best advice would be for you to make whatever moves it takes to get your financial independence back. And if that entails LTB, so be it. Very badly thought out idea, this.

Okay, I will talk to him.

I know I've been stupid. Just very naive.

Please don't be too hard on yourself. You've trusted someone who talks in terms of love and I think we've all done that at some stage. Being charitable it's possible that he's acted thoughtlessly rather than maliciously but it's given you a golden opportunity to be assertive & fix a few things that should have been in place earlier.

cognito
why penniless? he has his half of the house, his half of savings
my half goes to my kids
i dont even trust the father of my children and my life partner to make sure my money goes to my kids.
spend five minutes on the legal boards to see what happens sometimes and how children are disinherited

Echo everything that AF says. Hope your conversation goes well OP.

Would also add that if there is some reason you can't or won't move wedding date some things can be done very easily without a wedding. Straightforward wills, insurance instructions, pension beneficiaries etc. all quite easily sorted. DP and I had all of this in place as soon as we decided to buy a house together.

sorry, cogito

Don't beat yourself up, OP. It's not too late to put this right x

It all sounds very detached and separate for a couple heading towards marriage. Are you both saving towards the wedding together?

I am with the minority. I think he is smart to buy a life insurance and put his son's name as beneficiary. If you and he marries, his son gets nothing unless he writes a will laying out his financial wishes. This way, his son gets the life insurance money, OP and her son gets everything else.

It would have been better that he talked to you about it beforehand.

Also, it doesn't matter what the ex-wife has. A good father/parent will try to make provisions for their children just in case they pass away before the children finish school.

I also agree with the others that you should make provisions for your own son. You're not married yet and your DP hasn't adopted him yet either. No one likes to discuss death or what happens in the event of a death, but these discussions need to happen.