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Original poster

Fiance got life insurance...is this odd or AIBU....?

146 replies

lotteryplease · 09/09/2014 11:16

I have lived with fiance for 3.5 years, financially dependent on him as I gave up my job to relocate with him for his work. I have a child (8) who lives with us full time (no Dad) and he has a child (6) who lives with us every other weekend.

Fiance just got a £100,000 life insurance policy and made his son the only beneficiary.

Don't know why but this really stung for some reason.

thoughts? or am I being a cow about this?

I said to Fiance (nicely) that it was odd not to include me, that me and my child are his dependants too and he sort of brushed off.

OP posts:
MaliceInWonderland78 · 09/09/2014 16:29

I fully agree with the above post (which probably makes you wrong passion)

Were I in his position, I'd probably do the same. Especially in the event that I was contemplating getting re-married. As it is, I'm married and my life insurances pay out 50% to my wife, with the remaining 50% shared equally amongst our children.

Make your own provision for your son op. I'ts not (yet) your partner's responsibility. You'd only need a15 year policy in any event (if the sole purpose was to provide for your son in the event you died whilst he was still relatively young). Also, you should make provision as to what happens to your son in the event of your death.

mynewpassion · 09/09/2014 16:35

OP, if he talked to you beforehand, what would have been your response?

Windywinston · 09/09/2014 16:36

If you bring forward the wedding you'll still have this problem, unless he changes his nominated beneficiary with the life assurance provider it would still go to his son.

There's nothing wrong with providing for his son, but the life assurer would require a trust to be set up for son if he was still a minor anyway, they're unlikely to pay direct to a minor.

Could your DP not double the sum insured and provide half to you and half to his DS?

DaisyFlowerChain · 09/09/2014 16:46

I don't see it as a problem either. Should he die, he wants his son taken care of. Your child is your responsibility and you can ensure you have your own life insurance if you want the same for him.

Your partner is not responsible for you or your child though. If you were married it's different and then you are formally tied. Currently you are not so if things go wrong you would just go back to how things were before.

mynewpassion · 09/09/2014 16:53

Two issues here:

  1. Life insurance for his son -- imo, its fine and you should leave it alone.
  1. financial coverage for you and your son in the event of his death or break up -- this is what should be discussed only. He has every right to take care of his son from his own income, which he shares with you and your son. This is what you should focus on not the life insurance policy for his son.
AnyFucker · 09/09/2014 16:54

No, op cannot go back to how she was before if the worst happens, because she gave up her job and financial independence to be with this guy

The life insurance is not wrong per se, but why didn't he discuss it

OP has lost much...what has he given up for this relationship ?

MaliceInWonderland78 · 09/09/2014 17:19

Is he not supporting the op and her son?

AnyFucker · 09/09/2014 17:53

I expect he is, but if he suddenly decides to stop, she and her son are royally fucked

Charley50 · 09/09/2014 18:00

Maybe there is some guilt on his part as your son lives with you both full time and his son just every other weekend. However if he is planning to adopt your son he will be his real dad and should have taken out an equal insurance policy for your DS too.

OddFodd · 09/09/2014 18:04

This is not behaviour of a man who is planning on adopting your child Sad Sorry OP but I think you need an honest conversation because it doesn't sound as if he's on the same page.

MaliceInWonderland78 · 09/09/2014 18:07

It's worth pointing out (though perhaps not to the op's partner) that invariably these policies are written in trust, so as to fall outside of the estate for IHT purposes. The Board of the insurance company (or typically a monitoring committee that reports into it) will review each nomination on payout. If there have been a change in circumstance since the nomination was made (i.e. the policyholder married, or had or adopted more children) then the trustees will likely alter the award - sometimes using the will as a guide.

Original poster
lotteryplease · 09/09/2014 18:34

If he had talked to me beforehand I would have felt a lot better - like making financial decisions jointly. I'd also have asked him "what about us?" and would have hoped he had a better answer than "stop worrying nothing will happen to me".

He always brushes me off on serious talks. Not just this.

I have a very creepy feeling that I can't push aside and it's not just this - he has made me feel this way a few times.

OP posts:
BuggersMuddle · 09/09/2014 18:40

lottery How are your financials treated now? You mentioned they were fairly separate.

Do you have vastly different budgets for personal / discretionary spend?

Does he support you in growing your business (or think you should be looking for a job)?

Original poster
lotteryplease · 09/09/2014 18:42

No we just sort of work off a "what's mine is yours" system. He definitely spends more money on me and the kids and nothing on himself so he's unselfish like that.

No, he is very supportive of the growing business, but I put up the cash from my savings (all gone now) to start it.

They are separate in the sense that we don't share accounts...he pretty much could walk away tomorrow and I'd be screwed.

OP posts:
LuvDaMorso · 09/09/2014 18:45

What else gave you the creepy feeling?

Original poster
lotteryplease · 09/09/2014 18:55

Hmm...hard to explain or put your finger on it but he seems to be "all fur coat and no knickers" if that makes sense. Words don't match actions sometimes.

For example:

-He takes on a lot of extra curricular activities without talking to me first.

-If we run into old friends of his he doesn't introduce me.
-He doesn't let me have any of his passwords (he has all mine)
-He doesn't make any effort with my family.
-If I try and talk about serious stuff he tries to have sex with me

etc.

OP posts:
oldgrandmama · 09/09/2014 19:11

Well ... what's screaming at me is OP's declaration that she's leave
EVERYTHING to her fiancé because she'd 'trust' him to look after her child, in the event of her unfortunate demise.

No no bloody NO! MN is full of posts from women who've been totally shafted financially by their partners. Fine words butter no parsnips, as the old saying goes. OP's trust in the guy is lovely but for Christ's sake, wake up, OP, make provision for your child, don't rely on some dreamy belief that you're together forever and in the event you die, he'll take on your child. Wake UP! As things stand, you have absolutely no rights and your guy has no legal obligations to look after your or your child, whether you're alive or dead. Sorry to be blunt.

Frankly, the whole relationship sounds a bit ho-hum ... start looking out for yourself and your child financially. Don't rely on him. If he called it quits tomorrow, you're up shit creek without a paddle.

rainbowinmyroom · 09/09/2014 19:19

It would be even more foolish to marry this person, which you probably will not as it sounds like he is stringing you along.

That you have already made a serious mistake jacking in financial security for a partner with whom you have not and, it appears, are able to discuss adult matters the way mature adults can and do is by the by, but to marry him on top of this is further folly, as is leaving your son's financial security in the event of your death in the hands of this person.

Pop the scales out of your eyes.

Original poster
lotteryplease · 09/09/2014 19:20

It's always been my view that if you marry a person, that they are your most trusted human being on earth. If I felt like I didn't 100% trust a person - I'd not marry them because otherwise what would be the point really?

Maybe the world is much harsher than the one I wish it was, but I know if HE died he could count on me to raise his child without a second thought.

OP posts:
rainbowinmyroom · 09/09/2014 19:21

Any chance of getting your old job back?

rainbowinmyroom · 09/09/2014 19:22

Yeah, but you can't even talk with him about anything serious without him using sex to fob you off.

AnyFucker · 09/09/2014 19:24

He starts trying to have sex with you when you bring up serious matters ? WTF??

You have a gut feeling things are wrong here. Listen to your instincts, love.

LuvDaMorso · 09/09/2014 19:25

That list describes a person who views you as a servant.

No way he views you as a life partner. If we run into old friends of his he doesn't introduce me. A normal fiancé finds any excuse to introduce his partner to everyone he has ever met ever and sing her praises.

Original poster
lotteryplease · 09/09/2014 19:26

If I relocated back, I could walk into a very high paid job. I have a very specialised skill set that is useless to me where we live and I miss my work very much - as well as family, friends and many other things. This was a big sacrifice for me.

He fobs me off with sex in a very subtle way. Like he starts telling me I am beautiful or makes me laugh. I'm not sure AnyFucker would let hi get very far but I'm a bit of a mug.

OP posts:
LuvDaMorso · 09/09/2014 19:29

What did he sacrifice in the move?

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