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Original poster

Fiance got life insurance...is this odd or AIBU....?

146 replies

lotteryplease · 09/09/2014 11:16

I have lived with fiance for 3.5 years, financially dependent on him as I gave up my job to relocate with him for his work. I have a child (8) who lives with us full time (no Dad) and he has a child (6) who lives with us every other weekend.

Fiance just got a £100,000 life insurance policy and made his son the only beneficiary.

Don't know why but this really stung for some reason.

thoughts? or am I being a cow about this?

I said to Fiance (nicely) that it was odd not to include me, that me and my child are his dependants too and he sort of brushed off.

OP posts:
CogitoErgoSometimes · 09/09/2014 13:06

Then don't ignore what you feel and make sure you have that conversation. Talk about security, openness, equality, respect, inclusion - being engaged is a pretty meaningless state, weddings are a lot of froth and bubble, and these nitty-gritty things are what's important, especially when there are children involved and especially when you're financially vulnerable. A lot of time has gone by already and, if his attitude is not showing signs of changing, it's unlikely to happen organically.

Be assertive... protect yourself and your DC... force the pace.

HauntedNoddyCar · 09/09/2014 13:15

I have to say that whilst it is odd that you weren't in on any discussion about the insurance policy that isn't the issue.
Is your tenancy in both names?
It sounds like he could just walk away and leave you high and dry and you need to make sure you have a plan. He might be loving and wonderful but strange things do happen. With no bank account, no real income etc you are vulnerable.

magoria · 09/09/2014 13:19

It is very good that he has made a financial provision for his child. Just because the mother is rich doesn't mean he shouldn't do so.

You need a sit down blunt talk about what happens to you and your DC if anything happens to him and another blunt one about what happens to your DC.

You need this nailed down as he may be surprised you expect him to bring your DC up.

You have made yourself extremely vulnerable. You need to protect yourself asap. He could leave you tomorrow and would owe you nothing.

Original poster
lotteryplease · 09/09/2014 13:22

We talked about all that before we moved in together. I was unhappy to make a new "family" that included DS if (in the event of my own death) my DC would be lost in the world. It was agreed from day one that we would marry, that he would adopt my DC and that in the event of my own death he would bring up DC.

Obviously in the event of his death, his own DC would go to his mother and (hopefully) I would be allowed to visit.

Financially, we have always behaved as if we were married, but this has knocked me for six.

I mean...he didn't even discuss it?????

OP posts:
TreadSoftlyOnMyDreams · 09/09/2014 13:29

Have you made any financial provision for your own child?

Original poster
lotteryplease · 09/09/2014 13:30

No :(

OP posts:
Annarose2014 · 09/09/2014 13:43

Sweetheart, its time to get your own insurance for your child. Maybe not 100,000.....but something, anyway. Whatever you can afford.

Original poster
lotteryplease · 09/09/2014 13:46

okay. I am not much good at these things

OP posts:
Pobblewhohasnotoes · 09/09/2014 13:51

You're in a very vulnerable position OP. You know there no such thing as a 'common law' wife? You aren't married and you don't work so unless you've set something up legally you aren't entitled to anything should something happen to your DH or your relationship. Make sure you look after you and your DC.

HauntedNoddyCar · 09/09/2014 13:52

Are you on the contract for renting your house?

MrsSquirrel · 09/09/2014 13:52

You say "financially, we have always behaved as if we were married," but him going out and unilaterally buying insurance contradicts that. Or at least it says that he has a different idea of the finances of married couples than you do.

I agree with the others that you (and consequently your ds) are in a vulnerable situation financially. You really need to sit down and talk to him about it.

LuvDaMorso · 09/09/2014 13:55

financially dependent on him as I gave up my job to relocate with him for his work.

Could you get another job where you are now?

You might feel better placed to challenge odd behaviour from him, if you are not totally dependent on him. And he might be less likely to take you for granted.

Do you know why he split up with the exW?

AttilaTheMeerkat · 09/09/2014 14:02

I think he knows all too well that you are not up to speed at all with financial matters. You are in a very poor situation legally and financially.

A perhaps difficult conversation between you and he now needs to take place and urgently.

How is your own starter business doing?. Has this really got a future?.

Heels99 · 09/09/2014 14:06

Hate to say it but in your boyfriends position I would be the same, take care of my own child. You aren't marred and have no children together, technically you are not family. You need to get your own insurance as he has done. Being a fiancé is not an official status and means nothing in financial or legal terms.

specialsubject · 09/09/2014 14:06

none of the agreed things have happened. So you have a wedding booked. That won't make you any more secure.

protect yourself NOW. And if he has done what he has done for any reason other than ignorance (i.e. assuming that marrying you will protect you) then you have some hard thinking to do.

sorry.

in fact from re-reading your OP, I think you have some hard thinking to do anyway.

irulethisworld · 09/09/2014 14:09

Some couples have what I consider odd financial arrangements.
I knew a woman who was happily married for several years and she told me they wanted to have another holiday but her husband couldn't afford it!
So they must have kept all money separate.
Maybe his previous relationship was like this and this is what he's used to?

nannyj · 09/09/2014 14:11

I'm a single parent with little money but I pay about £10 pounds a month for £125,000 life insurance pay out. It's worth it.

Boleh · 09/09/2014 14:16

This is a little strange, one of the criteria my employer will accept to demonstrate that you are in a committed relationship and relocate you as a family is that your partner is the beneficiary of your pension and life insurance. They see this as a genuine and significant commitment.
I understand him to have something for his son but not also to have one for you and your son is strange, it may not have occurred to him but given that he has agreed to adopt your DC when you marry it's just a little strange. Honest chat in order!

CogitoErgoSometimes · 09/09/2014 14:16

"Being a fiancé is not an official status and means nothing in financial or legal terms."

That may be true but the OP has made a lot of changes on the strength of the promise of marriage and they have been living together for 3.5 years. This is not about the insurance in isolation but a bigger picture in which the OP does not believe the partner she's with sees her and her DC as 'family'. Getting her own insurance may plug a financial gap, therefore, but it doesn't resolve a fundamental insecurity.

chaseface · 09/09/2014 14:17

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

chaseface · 09/09/2014 14:19

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

sanfairyanne · 09/09/2014 14:20

i agree with him
i am leaving everything to my kids not my partner. you are foolish imo to even think of disinheriting your son in favour of your current partner

CogitoErgoSometimes · 09/09/2014 14:24

Really sandairyanne? If you die your partner is left not only bereaved but penniless? Hmm Does he/she know this?

Original poster
lotteryplease · 09/09/2014 14:24

Just to answer all the questions here, he spit up with his ex due to growing apart. Mainly her choice as far as I can see.

The tenancy on our first house was in both names, but the new one we got in just his name. No big reason why other than I had just started a business and wasn't financially viable.

I could get a job where we are now, but I spent 11 years training for what I do and do not want to give that up. Have also put blood, sweat, tears and money into starting the business. Yes, it is viable long term. I owned a business (doing this) before and sold it for a good profit.

Boleh, this is exactly how I feel...like it shows he has no commitment. To me, that insurance policy has more inherent commitment that the fat diamond on my hand.

I told him it made me really unhappy and the response was "nothing's going to happen to me hon stop worrying" and he started pinching my bum. And I DID tell him I was serious but he brushes it off.

Obviously he feels very differently to me about his responsibilities to me.

OP posts:
Original poster
lotteryplease · 09/09/2014 14:26

Cogit explains it exactly....I gave up my sense of financial security as an individual in order to replace it with one WITH him as a family. Made if changes to DCs life that took an assurance that we were a "real" family and he is indicating he feels otherwise.

I previously had life insurance, health insurance, pension plan with my job etc. and gave all that up for this new life...:(

OP posts:
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