Hi Guys I know I am a pain but I am really upset.

[Karenthetoadslayer]

Toad must have broken into the house when we were away and took a large and valuable cutlery set that my parents gave me. Previously I had the set in storage, but I took everything out of storage at the beginning of the year and when we went on holiday, I put valuables in a "secret place" in the house.

I just wanted to put everything back and realised the set is missing. He was after that and tried to take it, when he got evicted (I had covered the empty boxes and saw that these had been messed with).

I have no evidence that he took it, of course.

I wondered why he had taken the silver polish - now I know!

Jux let's just hope he keeps doing it.

Unfortunately there is no fast forward, is there.

Still to sort out:

• Employment (without reference)
• Finances
• House for us (doghouse for Toad) and he just won't put the house on the market
• Renew orders
• Apply for Residence order (possibly followed by application to leave the country, got quoted £50.000 so it looks like some more self representing here)

Well, if things go well, the Court will sort things in such a way that the house will be dealt with and you can have some collateral behind you. Fingers crossed.

Small companies, family firms etc, are more likely (in my experience) to take you on the strength of your CV and interview and not worry so much about references, particularly if there's a very good reason why you don't have one. You do have a very good reason.

Re leaving the country, have you posted on legal, here? You've got your hands a bit full right now, but I know you know they can be very helpful over there.

oh, and I've been meaning to say, ever since I first read your thread title, you are NEVER a pain, and have every right to be upset.

Oh absolutely, Jux - Karen you are never a pain. Toad is though! He gives me a pain. Not as much as you, obviously but still.

Do you have a court date yet?

Agreed, Jux anyone asking for help is not a pain. It's those that don't ask for help who are a pain.

A: "I have a headache" -

B: "here have my last paracetamol, I don't need it right now and it's readily available in all good high-streets. No biggie"

A: "I am going to pretend I don't have a headache"

B: So I'm going let you abuse the shit out of me and everyone around me because if you're in pain, you need everyone around it to feel it too. Yes, that's perfectly okay.

There-in lies the life lesson.

You're not suffering from a headache. You're suffering from a headfuck.

Big difference.

Ask for help - get it. Don't ask for help - don't get it. Never expect it, be grateful for it, reality is: most people are happy to give it. Make sure that the paracetamol is a paracetamol and you can't go far wrong.

Thank you, Ladies.

There are no court dates at the moment. He has still not issued an application about contact with the children and he is still skirting around the issue. The last thing that he wants is findings and a judgement, so he is trying to mess around with undertakings and mediators to avoid the court.

My position is:

• my most recent offer to settle finances out of court is as low as I can afford to go. This is the minimum the court would award me. If he doesn't accept it, he is going to incur further court costs and take the risk to be lumbered with mine as well.

• Contact: he lied to the mediator and that ended mediation. He has now set me an ultimatum privately to make the children available to him this weekend or next weekend. As he is breaching orders left, right and centre right now I have to be careful that he won't just turn up. However, if he does that, then that's it, I suppose. Then he will have well and truly fucked up. Stlll I have alerted the schools and the DCs have to be glued to their phones all the time. As silly as it is for a nearly 15 year old to be driven to school by mum, that's what we have to do. DS is very good about it.

So Toad has one option left which is to try and enforce contact through the court. I spoke to a lovely German solicitor in the UK yesterday who generously gave me a free hour of his time (he charges £400) who completely assured me that Toad stood no chance if the children had good reason not wanting to see him which they obviously do. It was refreshing to speak to someone of my own nationality who is a bit more straightforward and informal about things which is obviously a massive cultural difference. It has always stressed me out how the children are talked about in legalese. They are almost treated as chattels. "handing over the children" "making the children available" I don't fucking think so. So after all this rambling, it's the children's decision and this can on.y be established by CAFCASS, as Toad was not even going to accept the outcome of the mediation, in case it wasn't what he wanted to hear. No Toad, it is not the mediator's job to brainwash the children. That must have come as a disappointment and caused him to kick off massively.

Right, a new day, a new fight.

It's good that the mediator saw sense eventually and even better that he sent you the correspondence. I'm sure he now very much regrets the remark about over dramatising.

Perhaps a short sharp e mail to Toad legal along the lines of 'That is laughably untrue, I suggest you contact the mediator for further information'.

ATM it was just as easy to forward the whole lot of Toad's ranting to his legal team.

Mind you, they remain completely nondescript about things and just keep repeating the same thing again and again.

The lack of progress being made is very frustrating.

He has now made me redundant four times. I know that he thinks I am a bit thick, from his latest correspondence, but I am getting it.

I am currently investigating if I am a silent partner in the business.

Do you bet 4 redudancy payments?

Oh that hasn't actually crossed my mind yet.

I have to speak to ACAS again tomorrow. He has to give me three months notice. Currently he is trying to give me two months notice. He wants to pay redundancy over four months and start paying CM at the end of April. I shall have to write to him that this is not acceptable. ASAP

No reference, of course. I shall write to him and subtly hint that international employers would require a reference. He can't expect me to stay in the Uzk with no job prospects, no reference and two children to look after and no family to help.

I have to make a new plan. Now. Fast.

It was more that they would charge him for the time if they had to get the information from the mediator .

I was being very helpful here hopefully embarrassed him in front of his lawyers. ATM

Morning! Glad you made sense of my badly typed post

MorningJux a new day, a new fight.

I can smell Toad's letter arriving; they stink of smoke.

Uh-oh - is it bad?
(Are you sure it's smoke and not brimstone? )

Is there no one else who can provide you with a reference? Let's not forget that Toad isn't going to give a stuff if you can't get a job, he won't care at all, it "serves you right" for divorcing him etc.
I suppose you could always explain to prospective employers that your previous employment was with your acrimonious ex, they'd understand the lack of reference then.

Thumb Hadn't thought of that.

He must be chain smoking.

Trouble is, the reference I need has to be from my current/last employer.

He should be ashamed of himself. After all, this is not just about me. Above all, it is about providing for our children (who he also doesn't give a stuff about). They won't be able to live of his measly contributions alone. Oh I forgot: He said my parents should provide for the children. He said that when I asked about a reference. That's Toad's logic for you: I am not giving you a reference, so you won't get a job. If your parents love you, they will then help you out. He has got such a screw loose.

He's a @x!$&£("*#@!! (can't even think of a word bad enough for him) x1m

Instead of the reference letter you should send the correspondence between toad and yourself.
What if your employer went bust or you were the only employee and the boss died?

Surely you should be able to provide sufficient references, from colleagues or character references.

Do you have a local sanctuary scheme (women's aid should be able to tell you)? If so they may well change locks and install an alarm for free.

Lweji I am desperate to get off to a new start where I don't have to provide any explanations about Toad.

After having worked for him for 14 years, it looks odd if I can't get a reference from my employer and it has to be the employer, plus a character reference on top of it from somebody else. It doesn't cost him anything. He should be grateful that I am not going to work for his competition which I may be forced to do now. They would not need a reference.

He should be grateful that I am not going to work for his competition which I may be forced to do now. They would not need a reference.

Sounds like good leverage to me. :)

Oh definitely go and work for his competition! No, really, you have to. [grin[]

Bloody fat fingers! I meant