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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Hi Guys I know I am a pain but I am really upset.

380 replies

Karenthetoadslayer · 08/09/2014 12:37

Toad must have broken into the house when we were away and took a large and valuable cutlery set that my parents gave me. Previously I had the set in storage, but I took everything out of storage at the beginning of the year and when we went on holiday, I put valuables in a "secret place" in the house.

I just wanted to put everything back and realised the set is missing. He was after that and tried to take it, when he got evicted (I had covered the empty boxes and saw that these had been messed with).

I have no evidence that he took it, of course.

I wondered why he had taken the silver polish - now I know!

OP posts:
thatsnotmynamereally · 03/10/2014 07:30

Agreed re non-contact. As I understand it that's a clear breach and harassment if you choose to report it! (I know this from dealing with the police over the summer... but not sure how your existing orders haven't made that clear to him already?)

Sounds like you've got the right attitude for DS and as you say he'll tell you things when he's ready, you can a bit conversational and supportive but not go ballistic (you can do that on here!) while acknowledging that its not right.

Thanks for asking about DD, she's doing great at her fabulous uni, back for second year, but there's a huge story there as she's cut contact with H and I'm stupidly still here trying to extract myself, nothing's working, solicitor/WA seem to cut off and say it has to be my decision but I'm still scared of making him angry. I'm working on it however! Flowers you've done amazing things so far, you can get through this!

Original poster
Karenthetoadslayer · 04/10/2014 07:53

He is absolutely breaching the non contact order. Contact is allowed only for employment purposes as well as briefly and to the point discussing repair work to the house to avoid racking up massive solicitors bills.

I am going to have to explain this to him/his solicitor again. I received 10 emails regarding the replacement of floor tiles, most emails were at least one page long. This will have to stop.

His solicitor apologised on Toad's behalf for Toad's insulting comments. All I can say is Timeo Danaos et dona ferentes. Or in the words of my barrister: We don't trust him any further than we can throw him.

They are trying to cajole me into agreeing contact with the children out of court by pointing out the costs involved. Interesting. They have been threatening to take me to court about contact for about six months now. The good news is: It doesn't cost me anything! It should give them a clue that they are writing directly to me in this matter.

I shall be glad if they finally get on with it FFS. Let's have some findings! Fed up with receiving the same letter every week.

OP posts:
thatsnotmynamereally · 04/10/2014 08:05

karen love the erudite response to team Toad! Now I'm imagining a Toad-throwing contest... from what you've said he probably wouldn't get far. Sounds like they secretly know that you're in the much stronger position here. Keep up the good work!

Twinklestein · 04/10/2014 09:06

OP do you not qualify for legal aid?

Original poster
Karenthetoadslayer · 04/10/2014 09:07

thatsnotmyname Grin 'Toad-throwing contest' this is brilliant! Love that idea!

OP posts:
Original poster
Karenthetoadslayer · 04/10/2014 09:10

Twinkle yes! as soon as my income stops I qualify for legal aid! but I am not sure if this applies for contact and children. My barrister does public funding too, so I could keep her.

OP posts:
Twinklestein · 04/10/2014 09:16

I feel bad for you having to deal with this all yourself.

Does your ex have any diagnosed mental illness? Because he sounds.. well.. bananas. One of the most awful men I've read about in here and that's saying something!

Original poster
Karenthetoadslayer · 04/10/2014 09:26

Twinkle he seems to be getting worse - imagine writing to four people for three days about wanting to look at floor tiles and going so far as to try and phone my solicitor (she was out). I am really cross that he is copying her and sending her correspondence whereas I only ask her when I am stuck to save money. I need to check if I have to pay for him pestering my solicitor. He has been an absolute arse the last few days and one of the very few times that I have been in tears about the whole thing. The sheer terror of it all.

OP posts:
Twinklestein · 04/10/2014 09:36

I wonder if he's heading towards some kind of breakdown, but then I don't know what he was like before.

Twinklestein · 04/10/2014 09:43

To be completely truthful I'm wondering if he has a personality disorder - antisocial being the obvious one. But I must say that I'm not a psychiatrist, and have no qualifications to make that comment, it's simply a layperson's observation.

I don't know if it would be possible to ask the court for a psychiatric evaluation?

Original poster
Karenthetoadslayer · 04/10/2014 10:00

In connection with the children this would be more than appropriate, Twinkle. He has had several email 'rages' now and apologised twice for these, saying he is 'angry and frustrated' or something like that.

If anything, he should be able to control his temper in correspondence.

I am getting worried that he is wasting so much of my time.

This is the first thing that will have to be addressed next week in a high handed manner.

OP posts:
Twinklestein · 04/10/2014 10:12

It was with contact in mind that I was asking. If he did turn out to have a serious mental health issue you might be able to get contact limited to be contact centre (I know you want to take them back to Germany anyway, which would be ideal), but it might set your mind at rest to know he could never be alone with them when he did see them.

I don't know how courts work though, and I guess you can't just randomly ask for psychiatric evaluation or all warring couples would probably ask for them for each other.

In this case there would seem to be ample justification for it. From that pov it's helpful that he lied to the mediator and is harassing your solicitor.

Original poster
Karenthetoadslayer · 04/10/2014 10:37

Ah, Twinkle his has been explained by his solicitor. The mediator has 'misinterpreted' him. Confused

The next letter to hi solicitor is going to have to deal with this too. I have the 'misinterpretation' lies in writing, fortunately.

OP posts:
Twinklestein · 04/10/2014 11:00

Good, well as much anything can be in such a dire situation.

ItIsntJustAPhase · 04/10/2014 11:20

Karen, it is blindingly obvious to me that he is properly properly 'crazy' in some way. (Disclaimer, not a qualified professional AND have been 'crazy' myself in the past so it is okay for me to use that word.)

I never ever thought that it could be useful to you to have him diagnosed - because you still have to deal with it regardless - but of course it could! Genius.

Original poster
Karenthetoadslayer · 04/10/2014 12:54

I know that there just must be something wrong with him. I had a chat with the builder yesterday and he also gets these emails and Toad is driving him to distraction and got his mobile no from somewhere and is constantly phoning him on that.

This makes him even more scary and I must be even more careful because it's getting worse, from the sounds of it.

This is why I am so concerned about our safety, because he is just capable of anything. I mean he completely and utterly lost is over when he could come and look at the floor tiles. He wrote half hourly emails to people about it. When I didn't answer at 14:45 he sent another mail at 14:49 and then complained to my solicitor who is supposed to just help me in the background, that I had not replied to his mail that he sent at 14:45.

At the moment this is sending shivers down my spine.

OP posts:
Original poster
Karenthetoadslayer · 04/10/2014 12:56

This is not the behaviour of a reasonable man.

OP posts:
Original poster
Karenthetoadslayer · 04/10/2014 13:07

His legal team are stalling like mad now.

My legal team want to make progress and be done with it all.

As much as I am not keen to have the children interviewed by CAFCASS, I cannot give into the pressure of his legal team who are trying again to sideline the legal process and pressurise me about contact.

I am wondering where I can go to highlight this behaviour. I do hope that it is not ok for a solicitor to attack a mother who needs to keep her children safe without actually taking her to court.

I have to find out if there is somewhere I can go to that they have to stop these letters. We have done mediation. The mediator concluded that this is not suitable for mediation. Now they just keep going on at me.

OP posts:
Twinklestein · 04/10/2014 13:27

I don't really know where to start, so I would try Women's Aid and your local One Stop Shop Domestic Violence advice place - if you are in London I know where some of them are.

It's not unusual for abusive men to have mental health issues, so I would think they should be able to advise you.

I would also call your GP and say that you think that his mental health may be deteriorating, and that you are concerned that he may be a danger to you and the children and to himself. Tell them that he broke in despite the injunctions. For the GP I would have thought that would be a child protection issue. You could also call your local Crisis mental health team for advice.

Twinklestein · 04/10/2014 13:34

And obviously, talk to your solicitor.

ItIsntJustAPhase · 04/10/2014 14:41

Karen's GP is a whole nother story, sadly.

I think your solicitor should take on this breaking of the injunction. Surely he should go to prison or pay a fine?

Twinklestein · 04/10/2014 15:01

Really? Then he/she must be dumped. Change practice if necessary, it's quite easy to do.

In the mean time I would call the Crisis team direct if necessary.

Original poster
Karenthetoadslayer · 04/10/2014 15:47

Have moved GP now, but the worst is that my solicitor suggested that I should let him inspect the progress of the building work.

He wants to come on Monday.

I am scared out of my mind.

Stupidly, I wasn't quite myself and have told the kids, because they have to know and because they suspected that something was up.

I have never in my life been so frightened.

Off to car down the kids now.

OP posts:
Original poster
Karenthetoadslayer · 04/10/2014 15:47

*calm down the kids

OP posts:
Thumbwitch · 04/10/2014 15:52

It may be worth contacting the Law Society - it sounds as though the solicitor is continuing the harassment by proxy, and you may have some redress through there, although possibly not. Perhaps start a thread in Legal about it? Someone might know.