Have discovered that the man I've been dating is actually married! Any advice?

[Greene1]

I haven't posted here before and wondered if I could ask some advice. I'm sorry but this is long.

I am completely devastated as on Friday the man I have been dating for 9 months confessed that he is already married and has children. I don't think he was actually going to tell me but a chance encountered forced him to.

Some background. We dated back in my mid twenties, very happy, passionate fun relationship and we were together for nearly 2 years. Kept our own flats but he was reluctant to commit as he felt he was too young. We split amicably but I was very hurt and took me ages to forget him and he told me later that he was moving abroad. I moved on too dated and then was in a long term relationship which finished at the beginning of last year.

On Christmas Eve 2013 I received a message out of the blue from married man. Very friendly wishing me a happy Christmas and asking what I had been up to. He told me he was living back in the UK working in town and was single after a relationship he was in had finished. Said he wished he was spending Christmas with me and that he had always viewed me as 'the one that got away'. I'll admit I was hugely flattered.

I was abroad for New Year and when I got back we arranged to meet for a coffee and a catch up. I'll admit I was wary as obviously I wasn't 100% sure of his status and obviously I am fully aware that some married men are looking for affairs!

When we met up the attraction was still there in spades I naively thought that the time would have muted the feeling but I was still hugely attracted to him and him to me. We had a kiss then and he asked me to dinner later in the week. There was at no time any indication that he was married and he wasn't wearing a ring. I was excited and exhilarated to have him back in my life and we started a very intense and passionate relationship seeing each other after work and he coming over to my flat at weekends. Maybe that's when the alarm bells should have rung as sometimes he would come over only on Sunday afternoon or would make an excuse that he had an early flight and had to leave that night not staying over. However I was happy to have him in my life and realised that he's a very busy guy, as am I!

We had a great summer I had already booked a girlie holiday late last year with friends so we didn't go on a 'big holiday' together but we spent some lovely nights away at hotels.

On Friday we had supper after work outside of a lovely restaurant and we were discussing going away for the weekend in October to Barcelona. He was telling me about a fabulous hotel he had stayed at with work and i felt excited and happy. I invited him to my parents for Christmas in the country which feels so ridiculous now I want to cry. As we were walking back to the train station holding hands we bumped into 2 ladies who I assumed were work colleagues. He introduced me to them as a his 'friend' and they seemed strangely off with me as we walked away he got very agitated saying that he wasn't expecting to see them and that it made things 'complicated'. He then looked really stressed and worried saying that he had to go and he would call me soon. He left me standing in the street completely perplexed and horrified that something was seriously wrong.

He telephoned me on Saturday night to say that he was married with 2 young children. He said that his marriage was over and he and his wife hadn't had sex for more than a year. He said that he had been patient and understanding with her but she refused to talk about it and see a sex therapist and had expected him to become celibate just because she had. He also said he had tried to organise weekends away child-free and helped out with housework but nothing seemed good enough or made her happy. He said she was exhausting to live with and seeing me again made him realise that their marriage was a mistake. I told him not to ring me again to sort out his marriage and not to prop his life up by using me.

He text me several times which I have deleted and have now blocked his mobile number. I have been a complete mess since he confessed and now don't know whether to tell his wife what has been going on or whether I should walk away and not get involved. I'm also wondering whether I should leave the door open if he separates soon.

So which is it OP? Everyone knows parents of young children don't have sex i.e it's normal and something for decent people to work through rather than seek it elsewhere, or he is in an unusually miserable situation as a parent of young children not getting any sex
All irrelevant anyway byte can you

I haven't don't anything wrong but find it incredible somebody would go to such lengths to carry on seeing someone if their experience of marriage was happy.

Because they are greedy for extra sex, love and attention.

Seriously, it's like OW Bingo, what he's told you. Right down to painting his wife as a shrew and a slattern who needs help to look after her own children (that he didn't want-nice!) even though she doesn't work outside the home.

He didn't tell you he was married from the off. That's a massive, massive lie. People who tell massive lies are easily capable of telling smaller ones, like 'My wife doesn't understand me'.

It must be very hard for you, given how much you like him, but get some distance. If you end up with him there is a real risk there will soon be a mistress on the side, or, there will soon be another main relationship while you stay as mistress on the side.

The problem here is that you are expecting him to functionally have the same moral code as you (although it seems yours may be developing a slight wobble due to his behaviour). He is not playing by the same rules as you. He follows no rules.

And you IMO are confusing the current him (you know, the twat who is cheating on his wife) with the OLD him (the one that was single and in a lovely relationship with you).

He is not the OLD him. He will never BE the OLD him. Ever again. Because he has learned that he can treat people like shit and get what he wants. You must stop thinking of him with the rose coloured glasses and thinking he's the same man he used to be. He most definitely is not.

find it incredible somebody would go to such lengths to carry on seeing someone if their experience of marriage was happy.

It depends on what they consider happy.
If that includes shagging other women at will, then I'm sure he'd be unhappy in marriage to the same woman.

Did you want people to tell you he's a poor man, trapped in an unhappy marriage and that you just need to wait forever for him to choose you?
No, not MN.

Sorry - i will learn how to use this phone, eventually! Anyway, cut you see what he's done to you? He's got you believing things that can't possibly be true and he has you thing that a woman, the mother of his children deserved to be treated like this.

He's not the man you believed he was and have been fantasising about all these years. He's a manipulative liar who is willing to crap over the mother of his children and probably you aren't the first. He enjoys playing dangerously if he risks being seen out with you, it was only a matter of time before he got "caught" and maybe enjoyed the thrill. His wife may already know or at least suspect, could be in denial or she may be ok with it but I doubt she is as he is portraying her to you . even if she were he has no excuse for playing you both along. Might be worth a trip to gp/clinic in case he has passed anything on , sorry.

Sorry - i will learn how to use this phone, eventually! Anyway, cut you see what he's done to you? He's got you believing things that can't possibly be true and he has you thing that a woman, the mother of his children deserved to be treated like this.

Lets just say, hypothetically, that he's somehow married a hybrid of Cruella Deville and Cleopatra and everything he told you during his 'confession' was true.

So what? It makes no difference to the situation and it doesn't excuse his behaviour.

It's not 1840, there is nothing preventing him from divorcing her. Not the debt, not the law, not the children, not the stigma, nothing. Men leave marriages all the time, he has no good excuse for staying if he was so unhappy.

So why hasn't he left?

Secondly even if she is the most evil women on the planet, he has no excuse for cheating on her. He made her a promise that he wouldn't when he married her, a sacred promise. He has violated that promise in the worst way. He should have left her.

Thirdly when was he planning on telling you all of this? He only told you because his back was up against a wall and he had to. How long was he going to string you along for? Another month, a year?

I know this isn't what you wanted to hear but there is nothing to excuse his behaviour and you are opening yourself up to a world of pain if you let him talk you round.

He's stolen nine months of your life.

Don't let him have any more.

He's a dick. Even if all the stuff he told you was true, he could've left. He could've left and put himself in a poorer financial position, gone through a really difficult time for a few years (like everybody who divorces does) and then dated but he didn't. He stayed and he chose to lie and have an affair. That's really really selfish.

Cheating is never ever acceptable. It just causes too much hurt.

Personally I think you should be damn happy that he "got away" the first time, as if he hadn't, YOU would be the "evil wife" that he was bad mouthing to the OW.

OP, his very first contact with you was a massive LIE.

Everything else since then, like him having a loft with a hard bed was a LIE.

Every time he gave you a reason why you couldn't meet up, he was LYING.

If he'd not been caught out, he would still be LYING to you every day.

When you take all of this together, can you not see why we're all telling you that he's a liar and that you can't trust anything that comes out of his mouth as all he's done since he hooked back up with you is lie to you?

That must be a truly horrible fact for you to swallow as you obviously have feelings for him. But he thought so little of you that he was willing to have a relationship based on a never ending stack of lies, knowing all the time that he had a family back home waiting for him.

I strongly believe that what he's told you about his wife is a stack of lies too. Even if every word is true, he's still been lying to you every fucking day since you've been together.

" I always thought you were a bright educated bunch who are on career breaks "

• I think this means "yes, you may be mothers, but bright ones, as opposed to normal wives and mothers who are a bit thick, probably"

More subconsciously misogynist thinking.
Stop doing it, Greene! You are a woman too, and when you internalise this stuff you internalise a low opinion of yourself, and it will do you harm.

• how old are you?
• do you want to have children one day?

And don't forget all the LIES he must have told his wife and his children, in order to spend time with you.

Frankly, if he tells you it is raining, you should look out of the wi down and check for yourself, rather than believe him.

You are worth so much more than this - you deserve a man who is 100% honest with you, who isn't lying to anyone and who will treat you they way you deserve to be treated - which is not as anyone's bit-in-the-side.

vezzie, the OP said upthread that she can't have children and is ok with that.

But I'm nodding along with the first part of your post! I'm a SAHM so I'm not sure I should be allowed to respond on this thread. But I am educated to post-graduate level, and reasonably bright, so I think it's ok ;)

Sorry, Greene, I didn't see the bit about children. Sorry!

I actually dont know whether his story is true or not. Clearly, it could be rubbish. It is also possible that it is true. Given that OP has been convinced of it, it's not very effective to base our advice only on telling her that it is drivel.

Either way, in your shoes I would meet the wife, apologise to her (yes! really!) and explain that the only reason you had sex with her husband is you didnt know she or her children existed. Now you know, you have ended it, and what happens in their marriage is now private between them.

I don't buy the "its their business, dont get involved" angle. I think he made it hyour business when he did this. Your reputation, and your peace of mind, are now on the line. You need to do the right thing and give his wife the truth so she and her children are protected.

As to whether it is true or not- well that only matters when you decide whether you want to see him in a few years once he is single. Either way, if you have any sense you will leave it a few years while he gets divorced and has the fall-out. if he does. By then you will know what is true or not.

But I suspect if you walk away he will stay with her, because he seems like the kind of man who will only leave a woman if he has another one to go to. And you represent fun and lack of responsibility and so on.

Some might say, dont tell his wife, or you will be responsible for ending the marriage. I disagree. I think he has to work on his marriage or end it.

What shocks me most is his attitude to his children. They probably love their daddy, and there he is wishing they had never been born as they get in the way of sex.

Greene - one more thing to consider:

If you stay with him and he leaves his wife then you will end up as stepmother to his children. By your own admission you're not bothered about kids. But his will be a very real part of your life. Every other weekend, half the holidays, large sums of money.

Best thing you could do is to forget about him.

I met a supposedly separated man a few years back, he woo'd me. I left my (unhappy) relationship for him. We moved in together at his insistence, he then started vanishing saying he was staying at his mums as he was struggling to cope and was depressed. He text me at 5pm on a Thursday telling me his grandparents had given him some money to go away for a week and he was flying out the following day (guess who he was really going on holiday with...). I covered for him as I was too ashamed to admit to my family and friends what was going on. He dumped he and I was heartbroken. We stayed friends ( very good friends) did lots together still, I spent 2 whole years thinking we would get back together. There was no way he would go back to his wife, she hated sex , etc. Earlier this year he announced to me that his wife was pregnant and she was due in 2 weeks. I was . I got very very angry that he could put me in that kind of position ( imagine if when we were out one of his wife's friends bumped into us) and to this day hate his guts for how he has made me feel about myself.

The thought of telling his wife has crossed my mind a few times but ultimately there are 2 very innocent people that will be hurt if I do that (wife and DD). I have decided it will be more satisfying to enjoy life and if his marriage is as bad as he told me it was then one day he is going to find himself old and alone. I prey to god that she realises what an absolute bell end he is and walks away from him because I would put money on the fact I won't be the last girl.

So, put your head up high and know you have done no wrong. You WILL get over him, it just takes time (sometimes a lot of it). Also know that one day he will probably do it with someone else who isn't as nice as you are and they will tell his wife. I'm a firm believer that people can't get away with that kind of deception forever.

The wife is always the daemon in the relationship....it's so you pity 'the poor man who just want to feel some affection and love because he's so terribly lonely and she just doesn't understand '.

boak

Re the cheaters' "script" - what this man has told you is almost identical to what my ex told his then (18 year old - he was 34) bit on the side when he was cheating on me. Minus the parts about children as we thankfully didn't have any. None of it was true.

You obviously really want people to tell you to go ahead and be with this man, that it would be the right thing to do etc. But it isn't. You need to read and re-read the responses on here. I can guarantee you that many many women of cheating partners will have been described as he describes his wife and his life with her, it is bullshit.

You need to let go. He is not worth it.

Agree with LIZS, and I think you are in denial.
Surely in the 9 months together you must have had some in depth discussions about his " separation/divorce" or whatever?
Did you ever meet any of his friends or family?
He could be a fantasist. Have you considered that?
He might not be the big cheese he makes himself out to be. He may have a pretty average job/house etc.
I once knew a man who managed to get engaged to a colleague ( from another branch) plan a lavish wedding only for his pregnant wife to find out that as well as having OW he had also been dismissed from his job some months before. The wife was no fool I can tell you, but she became aware of the situation when she took the car into the garage for a service and it needed new brakes, tyres etc. She questioned this and was told it had done XXXX miles since the last service and it was normal wear and tear.

vezzie, agree with your post of 16:55.

Having reread your posts OP, I think you may have got a bit cross about the universal condemnation of Married Man and the slight trollhunting which was going on upthread, and hit back with some snarkery about only wanting women who were on your level to give advice.

It's had a surprisingly forgiving reception . . .

Dr Panda, BA, MA, PhD, and F bloody RAX here. Not on a career break but working FT with DC. And you talk of making judgements about strangers?

MN can be hugely judgemental. In your case we're not judging you. We're judging him. We've seen his type in these boards oh so many times and you wouldn't believe the pattern. He's a prize twat, no doubt about it.

We will, however, start judging if you don't open your eyes.

If he was soo unhappy with his wife why hadnt he already left her?. Why when caught out did he run straight back to her and leave you floundering in the street wondering wtf had happened. Why had he lied to you for 9 months and only confessed when he was caught out. If you hadnt have met those women he would still be lying to you.
Stop listening to his words and judge his actions instead.

The bullshit about his wife 'hurting herself' is designed to stop you from telling his wife something is going on.

The guy is playing you like a fiddle.

OK. I can do weighing up the scales, (Libra) playing devil's advocate, seeing both sides.

Lets say it's all true. He has a horrible wife, who no longer has sex, children he didn't plan for, works hard in his job and watches his wife spend it all. He has tried to leave but she threatened suicide. So, he feels stuck.

And he was sitting there miserable on Christmas eve reminiscing about the good times with you, and genuinely feeling that you were the one that got away.

If this is the truth, why?

1, Did he not tell you this from the get go?
2, Did he leave you in the street when he was rumbled.
3, Only get in touch 24 hours later?