Have discovered that the man I've been dating is actually married! Any advice?

[Greene1]

I haven't posted here before and wondered if I could ask some advice. I'm sorry but this is long.

I am completely devastated as on Friday the man I have been dating for 9 months confessed that he is already married and has children. I don't think he was actually going to tell me but a chance encountered forced him to.

Some background. We dated back in my mid twenties, very happy, passionate fun relationship and we were together for nearly 2 years. Kept our own flats but he was reluctant to commit as he felt he was too young. We split amicably but I was very hurt and took me ages to forget him and he told me later that he was moving abroad. I moved on too dated and then was in a long term relationship which finished at the beginning of last year.

On Christmas Eve 2013 I received a message out of the blue from married man. Very friendly wishing me a happy Christmas and asking what I had been up to. He told me he was living back in the UK working in town and was single after a relationship he was in had finished. Said he wished he was spending Christmas with me and that he had always viewed me as 'the one that got away'. I'll admit I was hugely flattered.

I was abroad for New Year and when I got back we arranged to meet for a coffee and a catch up. I'll admit I was wary as obviously I wasn't 100% sure of his status and obviously I am fully aware that some married men are looking for affairs!

When we met up the attraction was still there in spades I naively thought that the time would have muted the feeling but I was still hugely attracted to him and him to me. We had a kiss then and he asked me to dinner later in the week. There was at no time any indication that he was married and he wasn't wearing a ring. I was excited and exhilarated to have him back in my life and we started a very intense and passionate relationship seeing each other after work and he coming over to my flat at weekends. Maybe that's when the alarm bells should have rung as sometimes he would come over only on Sunday afternoon or would make an excuse that he had an early flight and had to leave that night not staying over. However I was happy to have him in my life and realised that he's a very busy guy, as am I!

We had a great summer I had already booked a girlie holiday late last year with friends so we didn't go on a 'big holiday' together but we spent some lovely nights away at hotels.

On Friday we had supper after work outside of a lovely restaurant and we were discussing going away for the weekend in October to Barcelona. He was telling me about a fabulous hotel he had stayed at with work and i felt excited and happy. I invited him to my parents for Christmas in the country which feels so ridiculous now I want to cry. As we were walking back to the train station holding hands we bumped into 2 ladies who I assumed were work colleagues. He introduced me to them as a his 'friend' and they seemed strangely off with me as we walked away he got very agitated saying that he wasn't expecting to see them and that it made things 'complicated'. He then looked really stressed and worried saying that he had to go and he would call me soon. He left me standing in the street completely perplexed and horrified that something was seriously wrong.

He telephoned me on Saturday night to say that he was married with 2 young children. He said that his marriage was over and he and his wife hadn't had sex for more than a year. He said that he had been patient and understanding with her but she refused to talk about it and see a sex therapist and had expected him to become celibate just because she had. He also said he had tried to organise weekends away child-free and helped out with housework but nothing seemed good enough or made her happy. He said she was exhausting to live with and seeing me again made him realise that their marriage was a mistake. I told him not to ring me again to sort out his marriage and not to prop his life up by using me.

He text me several times which I have deleted and have now blocked his mobile number. I have been a complete mess since he confessed and now don't know whether to tell his wife what has been going on or whether I should walk away and not get involved. I'm also wondering whether I should leave the door open if he separates soon.

Um this is the first I've heard of married people with children having no sex being in the majority?!

Sure you have to get a bit more inventive with the when and where, and immediately after the birth it may have to be put on hold for a week or two.

But no sex at all or very very little sex must be a very very tiny minority.

I wish you'd just accept it op. Ok it is hard to admit to yourself that you've been taken for a sucker. But this is THE script. Have you looked it up yet?

Or are you going to continue to ignore this post and many many others, stick your fingers in your ears and yell

'No, I'm special. This affair is totally not like every single other affair that's ever happened, even though it's exactly the same. I'm not doing anything wrong, I'm liberating a poor misunderstood man, not shagging a lying pitiful excuse for a husband and father'

Sorry if I've got it wrong but that's what your posts are screaming.

Any man who says he never wanted kids and he was forced into it is a sad excuse for a human being and utterly selfish. One who says this to his mistress is a total bastard.

Those poor kids - how depressing that all their father gives them is lies and his disappointment.

Agreed.

Even 'if' it was true it doesn't paint the man in a very positive light does it.

Ok at a push maybe he could get tricked into having one baby. But to then have a second baby when he really doesn't want one with an evil wife is beyond stupid and cowardly isn't it?

It's just such obvious bullshit. Op's fancy man must have a hell of a pair of big sappy brown eyes to be pulling this one off.

OP. You are defending him and his sorry excuses. We are all talking about the "script" because a lot of us have been there.

No matter what the truth is, he has lied to you repeatedly. he will continue to lie to you.

My XH lied to me that his OW was still with her H, even though his own DB had told me that she was living with my XH. That is how far a liar will go if they want to. They will swear that black is white, even when presented with proof of their lies.

Even if he leaves his W and gets together with you in due course, will you believe him when he is late home, when he is texting, when he goes to the gym on Sunday. or will you think that he is out with his next OW telling her how horrible you are!

Going back to your original post - walk away, do not get involved and do not leave the door open. Find someone who respects you enough not to lie to you.

Greene, I think you need to do some work on yourself.

Yes, as all the others have already said, run a mile from this man. But there are worrying things in some of your posts that I think set you up for being exploited and / or abused in the future.

"I guess I didn't want to be one of those women who tries to control everything."
What women? Who are those women?
They are tropes, inventions of misogynist media.
Wanting to be the "cool girl" will get you hurt, will leave you boundary-less.
Read up, think about this, bear it in mind. Maybe get a counsellor.

Also - I know you were in love. But ask yourself why you are so willing to believe all the nasty things he said about his wife.

Lazy
Frigid
Deceitful (trapped him into having children)
Spendthrift

These are tropes too.

A man who can say these things about his first wife can say them about his second, third or fourth. Or his mistress.

"Lazy" usually means "I have no idea what looking after small children and a house involves and I expect everything to be laid on for me without lifting a finger by a woman who is my domestic appliance

"frigid" usually means "My wife is knackered and I don't care, I want to do it to her whenever I feel like it anyway"

"deceitful" means "I am having selective memory about when we talked about having children and lazily agreed as I had no idea they would be so demanding"

"spendthrift" usually means "I like to think of all the money as mine and can't bear that she has a view on spending it too"

Also.
Do you want children?
Have you thought about this for yourself, properly?

I think you need to get a really good (feminist!) counsellor and work out why you are so willing to believe misogynist clichés.
You would do well to get tougher on this, or one day you will end up with a man who is saying things like this about you.

Good luck x

Thank you for the advice. Absolutely has happened to me to me not made up at all.

The main reason I posted on mumsnet as I always thought you were a bright educated bunch who are on career breaks so thought it would be good/helpful/cathartic to ask women who are strangers their thoughts. Women who have lived their life who weren't judgemental towards me.

I haven't don't anything wrong but find it incredible somebody would go to such lengths to carry on seeing someone if their experience of marriage was happy.

Well that's where you are wrong op.

Just do some research yourself on this site. Most wives or husbands with a cheating partner would describe their marriage as happy.

As much as it might be upsetting to hear this man is most likely just a bit bored with the monotony of married life with small children. He is likely having a good sex life, loves his wife, loves his children etc.

But he wants an ego boost. To feel like the most important person ever to a woman again. After that butterfly feeling that inevitably goes away if he is making no effort in his own marriage. You are that ego boost.

Naturally he doesn't want it to end before he is ready for it to. Which may be several years.

Greene: sadly, it's all too common for people to see people for months regardless what their marriage is like. He was obviously getting something out of it, otherwise he could very easily have either ended his marriage or ended his relationship with you. He wanted to have his cake and eat it.

The reason he didn't tell you is because you're a better person than him and he knew you wouldn't want to know. So he lied to you. You deserve much better than this.

Greene it's called having your cake & eating it !

That's why so many men do it , they want the security & support that comes with having a wife and children but also the excitement of having a bit on the side .

You have been taken In because you still had feelings for this man & wanted to believe him .

I hope you can see that you've had some excellent advice on here x

I always thought you were a bright educated bunch who are on career breaks

We are fairly bright and educated but not all of us are on career breaks - that is probably a fairly small percentage. Lots of MN'ers actually work outside of the home as well as in it. I managed to have 2 DC and worked FT.

I haven't don't anything wrong but find it incredible somebody would go to such lengths to carry on seeing someone if their experience of marriage was happy.
You aren't getting it OP.
Even if his marriage was how he told you (and it really really ins't) he still told you massive huge lies. These lies are the foundation of your relationship.

And yes from a feminist perspective (Some MN'er has been known to be a bit feminist - and you need to read an understand vezzie's post above) he could tell you these lies because he doesn't value you at all - that you might miss the opportunity to have a proper relationship with a worthy partner is not important to him. He is a self serving lizard of a man (sorry lizards')

Greene, have you seen my long post just before yours?
Do you mind me asking how old you are?

Putting aside the fact that he is still married with young children, personally, I need to be with someone I can trust and I cannot fathom liars. I want to know that what my DH tells me is the absolute truth, even if I don't like it.

You have admitted that he was very good at deceiving, certainly to have gone on 9 months without you questioning things tells me he is very good at lying.

Do you really want to be with someone like that?

I'm doing a law degree, am I educated enough to give you advice?

Joking aside I am not judging you. I am judging your behaviour which is only hurting yourself I.e. Keep quoting thus mans lies to you like it in some way excuses him or makes thus affair different.

Also, really. Have you read the script? I really really think it would help you. It helped me.

Damn it wish I knew how to do links. Can anyone get the script on here for op?

There doesn't have to be anything wrong with the first relationship for someone to decide to embark in an affair. People have affairs (rather than ending one relationship and moving on to another) because they're getting something out of doing so.

Think about it as like having two jobs (with two salaries) within the same hours (and flexible working that can be abused). There doesn't have to be anything wrong with either job for someone to decide that they simply prefer having more money, even if it involved lying to both employers and constantly juggling and worrying because they might get caught (and end up with nothing).

I can't find a script for the OW but there are two threads about scripts of what he will be telling his wife:

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/a1634754-Men-affairs-what-is-the-script

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/a1485686-the-hes-having-an-affair-script

I think more relevant to Greene are the general "red flag" threads. One of the things to look at with a new man are: how does he talk about other women in his life? How does he talk about his ex?

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/a1575465-Relationship-red-flags

The way this man is talking about his current (not ex, current) wife is how he will one day talk about the next woman.

Don't go for a man like this, Greene, not this one, not another one.

Ask yourself, hard, why you can't see why he's not good enough for you.

OP, you have done nothing wrong at all. People often go to extraordinary lengths to cover up their affairs, even second families.
Perhaps you did wonder if he was married but subconsciously erased this doubt from your mind?
He's chosen to be with his "awful " wife and not you; sorry. He was being opportunist and chancing his arm when he met up with you again. He could have simply told you he was unhappily married and risked an affair in the hope he might leave an unhappy relationship.
The fact he didn't leads me to think that his marriage isn't as bad as he makes it out to be.
Call the missus, you both need a wake up call.

Holds up hand

I have a post-graduate degree and am on a career break. Does that somehow make me more qualified to advise you than a stay at home mother?

I stand by everything I've said above.

Also...

I haven't don't anything wrong but find it incredible somebody would go to such lengths to carry on seeing someone if their experience of marriage was happy

1. No, you haven't done anything wrong. He has.
2. I don't think you need to be particularly bright or educated to figure that one out for yourself.

I've got a PhD, but I'm not sure it's all that relevant to whether this guy is an arse who doesn't deserve the OP's time. I also have work to do.

I've got a handful of O levels, does that count?

Greene1 you find it incredible that he's acted this way if he has a happy marriage because you have a different value system from him. You're assuming that only someone desperately unhappy would be so duplicitous but actually there are a myriad of reasons why men cheat.

Some would argue they can all be boiled down to a misogynist sense of entitlement - that their own pleasure over-rides everything else.

Of the instances I know, I can't think of any where they have cheated because they were too scared to leave an unhappy marriage or were so concerned about their DW's mental instability that they thought cheating on her was more beneficial to her MH than, for example, leaving her or being faithful in the marriage.

I'm a bestselling author with two degrees and I am most certainly not on a career break, although why that matters is totally beyond me.

Look, whether you find it incredible or not, men do go to these lengths to shag randomers outside their marriages.

It's not about you. It's about him and his ego.

Hello there. AdamL BA MA here

I have seen a good friend of mine be fed exactly this script. The man's wife was a harridan, she was mad, they didn't sleep together. Oh poor man, what a difficult situation. They became friends, my mate supported him, they got even closer, he made a move on her, then they slept together. My friend extricated herself from this because she felt wrong about sleeping with a married man, but of course they'd still be friends, because what they had was something unique between just the two of them, this special bond that called them together . . . and lo, a few months later he's ignoring her phone calls, shagging another woman, and giving the new squeeze the same story.

I can't say that this is the same as your situation, because life's full of infinite and surprising variety, and I'm not sure there are 'rules'. But it does happen, and to the vigilant and astute as much as the unwitting. Guys like this can be good at making you feel 'special', like it's all about you: it's because you're irresistible and meant to be together that this is all happening. In fact, it's quite possible that now you've broken it off he'll just go out and pick someone else up. Someone less scrupulous than you.

You did the right thing in breaking it off. Sorry you're involved in the situation, it sounds grim.

'I find it incredible somebody would go to such lengths to carry on seeing someone if their experience of marriage was happy'

People do it all the time. As other posters have said: having his cake and eating it.

Sometimes the marriage is genuinely unhappy and the unfaithful partner wants out. (But of course, the kind and correct way to go about this would be to break off their marriage/relationship before embarking on a new one.

Sometimes a marriage is largely happy, but has a rough or boring patch (all marriages have these, I should imagine), and some people in this situation will have an affair, instead of griitting their teeth and attending to the problems in their marriage.

And sometimes, often in fact, a marriage is happy and going well but a person seeks excitement outside of it anyway. Just because they're greedy
and arrogant.

To me, it wouldn't matter which of these scenarios applies to your MM, because none of them would paint him as a decent person.

OP - at the end of the day, ypu came on here looking for advice and support. Every single poster has said the same thing. He cannot be trusted; he has treated both you and his wife and his children appallingly; you need to break away now.

You handled it perfectly when you found out. Now you need to keep away, lick your wounds and get angry in private.

You are better than this.

He lied to you about being single, which conned you into starting a relationship with him.

How can you now believe all the shit things he is telling you about his wife?