Have discovered that the man I've been dating is actually married! Any advice?

[Greene1]

I haven't posted here before and wondered if I could ask some advice. I'm sorry but this is long.

I am completely devastated as on Friday the man I have been dating for 9 months confessed that he is already married and has children. I don't think he was actually going to tell me but a chance encountered forced him to.

Some background. We dated back in my mid twenties, very happy, passionate fun relationship and we were together for nearly 2 years. Kept our own flats but he was reluctant to commit as he felt he was too young. We split amicably but I was very hurt and took me ages to forget him and he told me later that he was moving abroad. I moved on too dated and then was in a long term relationship which finished at the beginning of last year.

On Christmas Eve 2013 I received a message out of the blue from married man. Very friendly wishing me a happy Christmas and asking what I had been up to. He told me he was living back in the UK working in town and was single after a relationship he was in had finished. Said he wished he was spending Christmas with me and that he had always viewed me as 'the one that got away'. I'll admit I was hugely flattered.

I was abroad for New Year and when I got back we arranged to meet for a coffee and a catch up. I'll admit I was wary as obviously I wasn't 100% sure of his status and obviously I am fully aware that some married men are looking for affairs!

When we met up the attraction was still there in spades I naively thought that the time would have muted the feeling but I was still hugely attracted to him and him to me. We had a kiss then and he asked me to dinner later in the week. There was at no time any indication that he was married and he wasn't wearing a ring. I was excited and exhilarated to have him back in my life and we started a very intense and passionate relationship seeing each other after work and he coming over to my flat at weekends. Maybe that's when the alarm bells should have rung as sometimes he would come over only on Sunday afternoon or would make an excuse that he had an early flight and had to leave that night not staying over. However I was happy to have him in my life and realised that he's a very busy guy, as am I!

We had a great summer I had already booked a girlie holiday late last year with friends so we didn't go on a 'big holiday' together but we spent some lovely nights away at hotels.

On Friday we had supper after work outside of a lovely restaurant and we were discussing going away for the weekend in October to Barcelona. He was telling me about a fabulous hotel he had stayed at with work and i felt excited and happy. I invited him to my parents for Christmas in the country which feels so ridiculous now I want to cry. As we were walking back to the train station holding hands we bumped into 2 ladies who I assumed were work colleagues. He introduced me to them as a his 'friend' and they seemed strangely off with me as we walked away he got very agitated saying that he wasn't expecting to see them and that it made things 'complicated'. He then looked really stressed and worried saying that he had to go and he would call me soon. He left me standing in the street completely perplexed and horrified that something was seriously wrong.

He telephoned me on Saturday night to say that he was married with 2 young children. He said that his marriage was over and he and his wife hadn't had sex for more than a year. He said that he had been patient and understanding with her but she refused to talk about it and see a sex therapist and had expected him to become celibate just because she had. He also said he had tried to organise weekends away child-free and helped out with housework but nothing seemed good enough or made her happy. He said she was exhausting to live with and seeing me again made him realise that their marriage was a mistake. I told him not to ring me again to sort out his marriage and not to prop his life up by using me.

He text me several times which I have deleted and have now blocked his mobile number. I have been a complete mess since he confessed and now don't know whether to tell his wife what has been going on or whether I should walk away and not get involved. I'm also wondering whether I should leave the door open if he separates soon.

Tinklykeys - fantastic advice :)

OP, he has young children he's prepared to abandon on Christmas Day. Was your dad with you on Christmas Day? How would you have felt if he had left you to go and be with a girlfriend?

He's prepared to force them to sell their home - uproot them completely and ride roughshod over his wife's rights. You do realise she has rights? Regardless of how little sex they have. He doesn't care about them. Are you pleased?

Regardless of his relationship with his wife, he is callous to his family - to his two kids that he claims he never wanted. What a prize he is. And you're prepared to believe him (lets ignore that he lied to you for 9 months) and also lay blame at his wife's door.

By the way after I had my DC, I was in agony for about a year. I didn't sleep for the first three, partly due to returning to work. Having an active romantic life is hard, but I am still very much married, in love with DH and committed. You have no idea about his poor wife and what her point of view is.

Stop demonising this woman you've never met because you want her husband. Do you have to do that to mentally seperate your actions from ruining the marriage of a couple with a young family?

This is a wind yes?

wind up I meant to say.This post is a scam.

sorry cross posted

I reckon.

OP from what this man has said about his wife it's pretty clear he has some misogynystic attitudes. She was a gold digger who trapped him and tied him down so she could live the life of Reilly on her arse all day... Which made it absolutely fine for him to lie to her and you and seek sex and laughs elsewhere.
NOT a keeper!

This thread gets more and more nuts as it goes along.

This bloke who has been having an affair for the last 9 months is going to divorce his wife for unreasonable behaviour. He's also not going to chuck out out of the marital home, which is in his sole name and which he is paying an extortionate mortgage on, but he's going to buy her and the kids a nice little place of their own you know, and give them a fair settlement and all.

On what fucking planet would that be then because it's not earth that's for sure.

The wife has a cast iron case for divorcing this arsehole on the grounds of his ADULTERY with the OP, only the OP didn't know she was committing adultery on account of object of her affections being a consummate liar.

Once his wife gets herself a shit hot lawyer, they will be going after his gonads and it sure as hell won't be him deciding whether wife and kids get to stay in marital home or not, in fact he won't be deciding very much at all - it will be the law that decides that and right now it's his wife who is holding all the cards, not this tosser. Being a partner in a law firm and all, you think he'd know that.

Blimey, I've just read the whole thread. OP, you posted on here for our views and if you wanted intelligent women's views, you got them, in spoonfuls. You have the views of other women; wives, single women, policewomen, judges, lawyers, artists, mothers, grandmothers and probably every other category of woman you could wish to hear from.

Yet you dont actually want to hear any of them. This feels like a game of "why dont you... yes but" (look it up).

You wil do what you will do, regardless of the experience and advice of anyone here. I hope his children are not damaged by having you come into their lives as a reluctant stepmother. If you never wanted children, why him? He comes with children ready made. Are you ready for what he is now? He is not single and even when divorced, he will be divorced WITH CHILDREN and an ex wife. Wake up. Lock the door. Keep it locked.

I think the fact that he lied for 9 months is reason enough to kick him into touch without all the other bollocks.

What a catch...

Greene - you have yet to tell us why you can believe a single word this man says.

Just count up the number of lies he has told you over the months of your relationship - then add the number of lies he has told his wife and his children in order to be with you.

So why would anyone trust anything he says? He has lied and lied and lied - and yet you blindly believe every single thing he says about his marriage.

Thank you for all the helpful advice. My friends were fantastic and have made it clear none of this is my fault and to ignore his emails and calls to work. My mobile has already been blocked.

Whatever he decides to do regarding his wife it is up to him. As somebody pointed out ironically why on earth would a lawyer tell somebody lies to get what they want. They would. That's what he does everyday.

I am incredibly sad and upset but realise I probably had a lucky escape. Whatever has gone on in his relationship he should have been brave enough to exit or at least tell me "look I'm married but planning to leave we have problems etc" then given me the option of whether I wanted to get involved. I probably would have ended contact then and there. But I wasn't given that option.

I am planning to be away this weekend as I dread he will turn up hammered on my doorstep so best I make myself scarce.

Thanks again for your advice.

I think you are doing the wise thing - and I am glad you have friends in r/l to support you. My apologies if I have sounded harsh.

Well done Greene & I'm so glad you've had some RL support with this. For the first time on this thread you seem to be expressing that you've really got it - whew!! relief!

You weren't given that option by him, but a bunch of lies. Aside from everyone else he is dishonourable and untrustworthy to all those he professes to care about, is married to and has fathered.

not a keeper.

I hope his W gets a SHL and quick.

Greene1 bravo!

I hope you enjoy your weekend away and your friends continue to support you through this. It might take a while for him to take the hint as he is so used to getting his own way but stay firm.

You are amazing and deserve someone who will treat you with respect.

To answer why I believe him about the state of his marriage.

Simply put I know him and I when he told me he said he felt a terrible mixture of relief and despair that so much was going on at home but couldn't talk to anybody in real life as he felt it was taboo to say that he was unhappily married. He's given me numerous examples of his wife's appalling behaviour how he's tried to fix things (before we saw each other) by providing help when he's working, arranging for time away together, cooking dinner and trying to be there but being rebuffed and attacked repeatedly then refusing to sleep even in the same bed. As far as I'm aware yes that is grounds for divorce.

He says that a couple of his friends had called his wife "hard work" before they were even married and had said she behaved like a nightmare turning up at restaurants when he was out with clients and telling him he was forbidden to go on stag dos or weekends away. So for him the warning signs were there anyway but he thought things would settle down after they married.

Head....wall.

So she forbade him from weekends away. Did he craft a mechanical clone all those times he was with you then?

Wow he gave you such alot of information about the history of his marriage, including his friends opinions, all in the space of one email?

You don't know him.

Of course you are not to blame. You also have every right to be upset because the man you thought you knew, who you were in a relationship with doesn't exist. It was all a lie but you will get over this and you will be happy again.

Your last post is a bit worrying. The first thing that struck me was that his wife doesn't seem to trust him turning up at client dinners etc. In fact she sounds quite paranoid until you remember that he has actually given her cause to be suspicious and he has actually betrayed her! Based on that last post it is entirely possible he has form for this and you were not the first other woman.

Forget about his marriage and what may or may not be the truth and remember he has behaved appallingly to you and that is what matters.

Sorry not trying to defend but clarifying why I perhaps wanted to believe his side. I obviously don't know the whole picture but feel now he must sort out his life.

It turns out one of his wife's friends took a picture of us and showed it to her and told her what I looked like and that we looked like we'd been holding hands. Rather than sat outside a restaurant with me on Friday night he told her he was working late with a client who is in NYC.

Maybe she didn't like him going away cos he's got form for being a cheating toad.

That must have been one hell of an email ay basgetti

All these little anecdotes and facts of the years he's spent with his wife somehow condensed into such a very short amount of time.

Earlier in the thread I stated we had had a long conversation on Saturday night not just in his email. He told me about her behaviour then. Whether this is the whole truth I don't know.

Yep Sliced. And every time the OP posts the email gets longer and even more outrageous titbits get remembered for us all to get riled up over.