Have discovered that the man I've been dating is actually married! Any advice?

[Greene1]

I haven't posted here before and wondered if I could ask some advice. I'm sorry but this is long.

I am completely devastated as on Friday the man I have been dating for 9 months confessed that he is already married and has children. I don't think he was actually going to tell me but a chance encountered forced him to.

Some background. We dated back in my mid twenties, very happy, passionate fun relationship and we were together for nearly 2 years. Kept our own flats but he was reluctant to commit as he felt he was too young. We split amicably but I was very hurt and took me ages to forget him and he told me later that he was moving abroad. I moved on too dated and then was in a long term relationship which finished at the beginning of last year.

On Christmas Eve 2013 I received a message out of the blue from married man. Very friendly wishing me a happy Christmas and asking what I had been up to. He told me he was living back in the UK working in town and was single after a relationship he was in had finished. Said he wished he was spending Christmas with me and that he had always viewed me as 'the one that got away'. I'll admit I was hugely flattered.

I was abroad for New Year and when I got back we arranged to meet for a coffee and a catch up. I'll admit I was wary as obviously I wasn't 100% sure of his status and obviously I am fully aware that some married men are looking for affairs!

When we met up the attraction was still there in spades I naively thought that the time would have muted the feeling but I was still hugely attracted to him and him to me. We had a kiss then and he asked me to dinner later in the week. There was at no time any indication that he was married and he wasn't wearing a ring. I was excited and exhilarated to have him back in my life and we started a very intense and passionate relationship seeing each other after work and he coming over to my flat at weekends. Maybe that's when the alarm bells should have rung as sometimes he would come over only on Sunday afternoon or would make an excuse that he had an early flight and had to leave that night not staying over. However I was happy to have him in my life and realised that he's a very busy guy, as am I!

We had a great summer I had already booked a girlie holiday late last year with friends so we didn't go on a 'big holiday' together but we spent some lovely nights away at hotels.

On Friday we had supper after work outside of a lovely restaurant and we were discussing going away for the weekend in October to Barcelona. He was telling me about a fabulous hotel he had stayed at with work and i felt excited and happy. I invited him to my parents for Christmas in the country which feels so ridiculous now I want to cry. As we were walking back to the train station holding hands we bumped into 2 ladies who I assumed were work colleagues. He introduced me to them as a his 'friend' and they seemed strangely off with me as we walked away he got very agitated saying that he wasn't expecting to see them and that it made things 'complicated'. He then looked really stressed and worried saying that he had to go and he would call me soon. He left me standing in the street completely perplexed and horrified that something was seriously wrong.

He telephoned me on Saturday night to say that he was married with 2 young children. He said that his marriage was over and he and his wife hadn't had sex for more than a year. He said that he had been patient and understanding with her but she refused to talk about it and see a sex therapist and had expected him to become celibate just because she had. He also said he had tried to organise weekends away child-free and helped out with housework but nothing seemed good enough or made her happy. He said she was exhausting to live with and seeing me again made him realise that their marriage was a mistake. I told him not to ring me again to sort out his marriage and not to prop his life up by using me.

He text me several times which I have deleted and have now blocked his mobile number. I have been a complete mess since he confessed and now don't know whether to tell his wife what has been going on or whether I should walk away and not get involved. I'm also wondering whether I should leave the door open if he separates soon.

Would this be the same marriage he's been continuing in the whole time he's been screwing you?

If there's a single word of truth in 'the state of his marriage' diatribe that you seem to have fallen for hook, line and sinker ... that still doesn't change the fact that he's bein committing adultery with you for the past 9 months.

It's way too late for him to divorce her for 'unreasonable behaviour'. He should have done that before he started an extra-marital affair ffs! It might have been 'grounds for divorce' before he decided to start fucking someone else - but now I'm afraid it's his wife who's in the pole position when it comes to 'grounds for divorce.

I'm delighted you intend to ignore and block this lying arsehole. I hope you stick to it. I am however incredulous that you 'believe him' about the state of his marriage. This would be the marriage you didn't know he was still very much a part of until he got caught red handed by the two female friends? The one he continued to participate in right up until the moment he got caught. He's lied about everything .. right down to describing his 'soulless bachelor loft with the hard bed'. But about the marriage ... he's telling the truth.

Yeah right!

Well he's a bell end and a half. You get with him further on down the line you can only look to yourself when it goes down the same road. He's got form as a player I reckon. Get working on your self-esteem.

Sorry op but must point out you are being a little self deluding.

You say your previous post was not defending him, yet the phrases

'I believe him about the state of his marriage'

'Simply put I know him'

Do kind of suggest that that post was all about defending his motivations...again.

I hope you truly meant your sensible post earlier and wish you luck.

Ah so you did. That must have been a lovely conversation listening to him slag off his wife and wish his children hadn't existed. I guess the email was just a follow up to make sure you knew just how bad she was, even his friends thought so too. I don't know how you could stand to listen to his self pitying crap. Hope you stick to your guns and stay away from him.

OP..I've read the whole thread. My xh cheated on me. He followed the script too. Whatever the state of your OM'smarriage, he had the choice to end it BEFORE he embarked on a new relationship with you. Instead he kept his options open and put himself first, lied to you and his poor wife. He now slags her off at every opportunity. If their relationship is truly over, basic courtesy should now dictate that they divorce as amicably as possible whilst he puts his children first.
You need to ask yourself whether you would ever trust a man capable of such deception and lack of respect for his wife. You need to take care of yourself and think very very carefully about carving out the future with this man. I know what I would be doing if I were in your position. He would not be worthy of a place in my life. Hold your head high and kick him in to touch. You truly deserve so much better.

She forbade him from going on stag dos and weekends away?

Sounds like he's cheated before.

...wondering how this whole story would sound from the wife's side....
"We've been having some problems in our relationship for the last couple if years since I found texts from a female 'friend' on his phone. Things improved for a while but...." Etc

The man has been revealed as an extremely accomplished liar. You have been revealed to be overly trusting, if in 9 months you didn't question why you never visited his flat even once. So on the basis of this, your conclusion is that despite your naivety and his deceptive nature, you should believe what he tells you about the supposed state of his marriage?

I would seek an independent account. His wife's. If you really, really want to know whether what he's told you is true. I am appalled at his comments about his children.

This is information he gave me over the phone as I stated near the beginning of this thread. Please stop jumping on every comment. You're asking me I'm relaying the details.

I didn't want to write a huge post again detailing every aspect of what he told me. In a conversation hundreds of pieces of information are given to you impossible to transcribe the conversation!

I'm assuming as he's more senior than he was when he was before he married his wife he has been able to put absences down to work and travel. To answer how he excused himself...

I travel with work myself and sometimes am away for several nights so not unusual.

Find yourself a nice man OP. That one's broken.

Regarding his flat....he told me it was it was a soulless flat in Docklands and it was nicer to come to mine as it was closer to his work. I asked several times but he would say things like "I'm having a new bathroom put in" or "you'll hate it" or "I love your place so cosy and pretty you would hate it" "I can pick up food on the way from s**s" etc etc. in the end I assumed he hated being there and even suggested we look at new places for him. I hope this explains.

Supersoaker Thread Alert!! Start a thread and keep bringing up excuses why you should stick to your original train of thought/plan of action/beliefs.

Has he never uttered one word of remorse or realisation of the hurt he has caused???

So because you found his excuses about the flat credible at the time (and they since proved to be lies) that means that he is currently telling the truth about his marriage?

You can't prove anything he's told you is true, and indeed most of it is known to be a lie.

Golly, some people are so sad aren't they? A bit like that one person on loveshack who has multiple user names and posts the same invented crap over and over.

I really hope you don't take him back, you deserve better than this mess.

Thank you stupid head. Sorry what's loveshack? Don't understand that post.

Going now thanks again .

Just wanted to say that I can understand how shell-shocked you are feeling as a similar thing happened to me. You can't just turn your feelings off for someone overnight (or even over a few days) especially when you have had a shared past, and so much want something to work. It is easy to be naive when you want to believe in something and I think lots of people are being quite harsh here.
Of course his behaviour is appalling, both to you and to his wife, but to admit that is to admit that you were duped by him, and that is a difficult thing to do.
I struggled - still struggle actually - to reconcile what I now know with my feelings before. It is hard to believe that someone could behave in this way, especially if you yourself are a decent, honest person. It is a huge betrayal.
Anyway, everyone who is telling you to block and move on is right.
You need to remove yourself from the situation and try to immerse yourself in other things.
I know from personal experience that it is so easy to get caught up in waiting around listening to excuses, but nothing can excuse this behaviour. I am sure you will realise that with time.
It is a devastating thing to happen, but really it is better to have found out now.

Solosong such a kind post thank you.

Very difficult to switch off feelings you're completely right. But realise I must. However hard it is.

I wish you all good things and hope you find happiness.

Thank you. You too! There must be some decent men out there somewhere... Although, personally I'll be keeping away from them all for a while!!

Ah well, now we know he's a senior lawyer, the practised liar bit makes lots of sense! Not that he had to be a lawyer (almost a homophone with liar, you know) as cheating men are mostly pretty good at practised and convincing lying.

You ask why anyone who is happy in their marriage would cheat and for so long - because they get different things out of their marriage and their affair, that's why. They get the housekeeper and mother of their children at home, and probably sex too; but then they get the going out and excitement, the thrill of secrecy and extra sex from the affair - I can't believe you can't work this out for yourself but since I have a BSc and and MSc I thought I'd help you out a bit.

Look, you're still looking to make excuses for him. You're still believing his stories about his wife. You're even believing his stories about what his colleagues said about his wife. You have no independent evidence that he's telling the truth, and you don't "know him" - you didn't "know him" when you went out with him before, not truly, and you certainly don't "know him" now - you're only seeing the side of him that he wants you to see (and to be frank, that ain't pretty).

Walk away from him completely. Maintain your blocking and evasive tactics and don't bother trying to stay in touch in case he sorts his marriage out - anything that happens now is likely to be as a result of his wife finding out about the sordid affair, not from his choice, and a man who is thrown out of his marriage is a VERY different prospect from one who chooses to walk away.

IF he's a high-powered lawyer, then I assume that some of his legal training would make him aware that he doesn't get to determine the lives of the mother of his children, nor indeed his children in such a high-handed manner.

I like his decision 'oh, the wife won't mind being moved into a small house to bring up my children' and all the attendant inconveniences that THAT causes'. No the kids will happily change schools - they don't like their teacher anyway"

To be fair to this MM, neither did my husband know that there are LAWS about such decisions, when he decided that I should live in a caravan. It has come as an enormous shock to him that I have 'rights'. But then, he hasn't had legal training so I can forgive him a little for that gem.

You've had a very lucky escape - and for your information, there is NOTHING in Law that compels a person to stay in a marriage. Anyone can up and leave at any time. The fact that they don't until they have something to leave for tells you everything.

They are lying to you. They are lying about their spouse. IF she is such a living hell: what is HE doing to protect the children? Surely their needs should be top of his priorities.

Any loving parent usually ferociously protects the children from hell.

OP I am sorry that your 'man' has turned out to be a lying, cheating, script-following dirt-bag. I am horrified at the extent to which he has followed the cheaters script as linked in a previous poster's thread. It is likely that you are not the first woman to have fallen for his charms and lies, only to find out that he is still married. The fact that you ran into a couple of his female work colleagues and one of them immediately photographed you both and emailed his wife shows that he has form for starting up affairs when he is married - people are correctly suspicious of him having an intimate dinner with a woman who is not his wife.

I can understand that you are having a hard time coming to terms with this, and am glad that you have told your own friends the truth of what has happened, as it makes it all more 'real'. Their advice to you is spot on, this is not your fault, his dissatisfaction in his marriage has nothing to do with you, and you are not a 'Plan B' for if/when he wants to get divorced. Keep on going in the direction you are going, you will get there.

Btw, there was an article I read a online while ago which listed the occupations which sociopathic/psychopathic people are most attracted to - guess which occupations topped the list? Lawyers and politicians where at the top.

Strength and courage to you OP, and kudos for realising the lies and manipulations and acting appropriately.

Bet if you asked his wife for her version of events they would be very, very different. I wonder what he is telling her right now??

Bottom line is, if the marriage was dead in the water he wouldnt have kept you a secret for nine whole months.

You have had a lucky escape.

thats my contribution. Basgetti said it all for me...

To answer why I believe him about the state of his marriage.

Simply put I know him

Yes, know him so well you believed the lies he spun you before his wife found out about your affair. You simply can not trust anything he says.

I hope you keep listening to your friends and don't unblock your mobile.