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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Has anyone got through an affair and stayed together ?

175 replies

jimmijam · 07/09/2014 20:17

Just wondering, I know couples who've survived and those who haven't.

Was it a full on affair or one off?
How long have you been together (so far) since? And are you happy in that relationship?

Or , did you try & it didn't work ? Why didn't it work?

Thankyou
X

OP posts:
Original poster
jimmijam · 14/09/2014 14:46

Haha his job is 'flipping burgers' :-)
He is job hunting, applied for a few last week, so fingers crossed :-)

The affair is over, only trouble is he'd said to her he wanted to work things out with me, but I feel the option was left open . On my list it said to end it with her in no uncertain terms, leaving her with no doubt that she will never be an option....

Showed him list today, he was happy with it all apart from not smoking in his car (he went years without doing this in his car), I can't stand the smell & don't particularly want the kids sat in a confined space of stale cigarette smoke.

#off to think up a new username :)

OP posts:
badbaldingballerina123 · 14/09/2014 15:06

Haha. I thought he was an exec or something.

Stuckinastorm · 14/09/2014 16:01

He is a manager. I used to do the same, things changed when I changed jobs... Burgers aren't my thing :-)

Stuckinastorm · 14/09/2014 20:52

(Just to say I've changed my name, I'm the OP)

Stuckinastorm · 15/09/2014 19:58

Today is a bad day :( feel stuck.
Don't feel he truly dies want me back, I think he thinks it's a normal thing to do (his parents still live together but after several affairs aren't actually together, his brother did it, his first wife did & girlfriends too).
I can't see that our relationship really would change if we got back together.
But
I also don't want to properly split up or get divorced

I feel stuck between a rock & a hard place with no way out :(

I need someone to talk to, please.

JonesTheSteam · 15/09/2014 20:09

What has happened today to make you think that, OP?

BloodontheTracks · 15/09/2014 20:13

What was wrong that can't be changed, OP? Does he feel that too?

Stuckinastorm · 16/09/2014 07:31

I don't know what's made me think it. I suppose his words say he wants me but something about his face doesn't. & the fact I believed him when after it all came out and a few days later I found out from someone he was still sleeping with her, he denied it but a few days later after I got proof he admitted it. But I'd believed him. Which makes me think perhaps I could never trust him again .
Don't know why it's popped up in my head though
:(

MajesticWhine · 16/09/2014 08:34

The onus should be on him to reassure you and answer your questions. Why did he lie even after you found out? Why did he sleep with her again? How are supposed to believe him now? All these questions are things he should be struggling to answer for you, not you struggling alone. You should not feel any pressure to forget it all and move on.

Stuckinastorm · 16/09/2014 10:56

I text him a few points this morning about 3 hours ago & asked him how he expects me to trust him again.
No reply.

Stuckinastorm · 16/09/2014 12:07

Finally got a reply 'I'll always be faithful to you'.

This may take a very long time!!

Stuckinastorm · 16/09/2014 12:31

I don't see any fight from him. I can't see anything changing.
I think I've fallen out of love with him.
Yet I still don't want to let go
:'(

MajesticWhine · 16/09/2014 12:48

His efforts are not really sounding good enough. And your heart is not in it. Remind me, what's your current situation? Is he at home or staying elsewhere at the moment?

IrianofWay · 16/09/2014 12:51

stuck - I am so sorry Sad. I don't know what to say to help you. No two situations are exactly the same although there will be plenty of common factors.

How long ago did you find out? How long after that did he sleep with her again?

I totally understand why you want him to fight for you. He has hurt you massively, you want him to fight dragons, move mountains, to make it up to you. If he doesn't, it doesn't mean he doesn't want to neccessarily, it might just mean he doesn't know what to do. Alternatively it might just mean he is a selfiish, insenstive prick. Only you will know that.

Why don't you want to let go?

BloodontheTracks · 16/09/2014 12:52

The quality of the fight is a big indicator of the chances of it working out. Sometimes people say what they 'should' so they can feel good about themselves. Cheaters often feel sordidly bad about themselves on discovery and seek out good feelings at the cost of truth.

It may be too early to say, OP. But you should trust your instincts.

Stuckinastorm · 16/09/2014 13:13

I want us to work
But I don't see it
& I'm not sure I do love him any more

He isn't living at home now
He slept with her again 6 days after I'd outed him.
Affair lasted about 3 months, sleeping together (completely unprotected, countless times) for nearly 2 months. They had been flirting, we had a family holiday, as soon as we got back he jumped into her car and her into his cock

BloodontheTracks · 16/09/2014 13:31

What has he actively done to convince you to give him another chance and to prove he won't deceive you again?

Stuckinastorm · 16/09/2014 13:51

Applied for jobs (he works with her, I said I can't be with him while he does) he's married to his job, before me so that did shock me that he actually applied.

Stuckinastorm · 20/09/2014 22:51

So today he went to a wedding. And I realised I don't trust him at all. Not even around an old ugly lesbian! (No offence to anyone, just shows that I really don't trust him)
:(
And when he says I love you he pulls an odd face, I just don't believe it or feel it when he says it. Then I googled signs someone's lying, 1st thing on the wiki guide....that face he pulls!!! Seeing that really didn't help :(

MajesticWhine · 20/09/2014 23:10

It sounds shit. Sorry. Are you both talking a lot about what happened, why it happened, how you are now feeling about things? If you really want to come back from this, and he does genuinely love you, then that is what you need to be talking about.
Do you think he is in love with the OW?

Stuckinastorm · 20/09/2014 23:50

We are talking about all those things... His face just says the opposite of his words most if the time
A while back he admitted being in love with her, she's pretty... But it's turned into 'it was titilation' (excuse that word I'd never heard it until he kept using it)

We need counselling but so far have been unable to find one who's available when the children are all at school/ nursery, but our youngest is due to change nursery sessions soon & that happens to match when one counsellor is available so hopefully 'dh' shifts will mean we can make a few sessions with her. I've read before that with relate after an initial session some couples are told not to bother going back (no hope), I doubt a private individual would do that though if they saw no hope ?

Stuckinastorm · 21/09/2014 17:33

So we're over .
Major hand holding and hugs needed, friends live 3 1/2 hour drive away, feeling incredibly lonely right now & grouchy with the kids
Huge cry when they go to bed :(

BIWI · 21/09/2014 17:41

I'm sorry Sad

But to be honest, it sounds like it's the right thing - he had obviously 'moved on', and it would be much harder for you in the longer term to try and keep things going, even if you did manage to get some counselling

Flowers
MajesticWhine · 21/09/2014 17:56

Sorry to hear that, Stuckinastorm. What happened?

BloodontheTracks · 21/09/2014 18:06

Sorry to hear that, stuck. But it sounds like it's for the best. At least the wound can start healing now, rather than him keeping opening it up over and over. You'll be okay. I know it feels totally awful. But everything that's okay now once felt totally awful. Massive massive hugs. I honestly think he's not capable of giving you what you deserve.