Has anyone got through an affair and stayed together ?

[jimmijam]

Just wondering, I know couples who've survived and those who haven't.

Was it a full on affair or one off?
How long have you been together (so far) since? And are you happy in that relationship?

Or , did you try & it didn't work ? Why didn't it work?

Thankyou
X

2 years on and we are doing OK. 6m affair with co-worker. It ended when I found out. He never for a moment doubted who he wanted and was full of regrets and guilt for it. It took him longer to get over what he felt for her and even longer to really GET what he had done to me and really feel remorse. I still have times when my self-esteem takes a nose-dive - he was always my biggest cheerleader and to have him find someone else to care for really did a number on me. But we are coping with those times together.

We had reached a sort of marital doldrums and we have been forced to take a look at us and change everything about the way we related and communicated.

I might add that I had an EA about 20 years ago - I never told H and TBH never felt guilty about it until he did the same to me. It made it easier to forgive because I understand who easy it is to get there without neccessarily meaning to do any harm. Boundaries are now firmly drawn for us both.

jimmi sorry you are going through this, and sorry I questioned your credibility earlier.

I'm one of those who has made it work with my H. We're not such an unusual bunch, but we are rare on this board, in no small part because this can be quite an unfriendly place to those who haven't followed the preferred course of actions as advised by the regulars.

It's two years on from his 6 month affair with a colleague, and I'd say we're pretty happy in our skins, and happy with each other. I don't have any low self esteem self loathing issues. He isn't a bastard to me, or in fact to anyone else. I can't say as I like what he did, and he doesn't like himself for it either. It was something that happened, in a marriage that at the time was very flawed and very unhappy. It was in short an exit affair, not a bit of fun on the side, or a meeting of true loves, just a way out for a cowardly man.

I didn't hang around and mope, I started an amicable divorce. We stayed good friends throughout, and as a result spent more time talking and hanging out together than we had in years. That's why we got back together again, and probably why it works. All those unresolved issues were resolved, in a non-confrontational way. It's so much easier to do that when you aren't together, as neither side has anything to lose.

I'm not sure it is easy to come back from an affair unless you really do start again, clean sheet, together because you individually have chosen that route, not because one feels trapped, or because there are children. You also need to toughen up, and lose the fear of being on your own. I'm not scared DH will cheat again, because Id be happy on my own, and I've already done all my crying. I'm pretty sure he won't though, as he didn't enjoy the experience before. It wasn't the big thrill the tabloids make it out to be, it was stressful, sordid, embarrassing, and largely unhappy.

dolicapax, that sounds very familiar to me, both the good and the bad. For those who think that lots of men cheat, research shows that plenty of women do too, it's not really a highly gendered thing. As to how many get back together again, it's difficult to say because not everyone tells. Some people feel to blame, or ashamed, and also if you do want/plan to make it work again it can be difficult, because in my experience everyone tells you to leave. Indeed, that's what I would have told anyone one else in my position before dh's affair. I certainly did not expect to be the forgiving type. And just because I eventually forgave him doesn't mean I wasn't very very angry for a very long time.

#dolica I don't feel in a position to say I'd be happy on my own, I love that you're able to feel that way though :-)

#nooka initially even my mum and closest friend told me to speak to him & see what he wanted, which suprised me.
Now some friends are supportive if any decision I make, others say no, others say they'll support me in my decision but it's obvious they don't approve- sounds like I have loads of friends, I don't!

May I ask how you found group situations with your dh's and friends / family after? I could imagine lots of awkwardness from everyone.

Have spent more time with hd the last couple of weeks than I had in months.. At the moment I'm thinking yes. He even applied for jobs last night! (I've said we won't properly get back together while he still works there, with her, as I don't feel I could move on knowing he's seeing her all the time even if not in that way)

My DH had an affair ten years ago, and we tried to make it work. It's difficult to force trust, but I tried really hard to make it work.
I just found out he's had another one, and we are now separating. I'm sorry I believed him after the first one.

#offthefringe don't be sorry!! You can show the world how much you tried & what an amazing strong person you are in doing so! He on the other hand didn't learn a thing so will just keep doing the same to other people xx

Slightly different angle on this. Long and complicated, but I will try to simplify. Married 38 years. About 21/22 years in, DW said she couldn't continue with the way I was. I had difficulty in understanding what the problem was, but having discovered MN and learnt a great deal about relationships that I didn't know, I now realise it was something like EA on my part. (That's possibly an exaggeration, but it conveys the general atmosphere). We had 4 growing sons and I was working my @rse off as a City lawyer to provide for us all, so that gives an idea of the family pressures.

DW began to build an independent life outside the family to maintain her sanity and give her topics of conversation other than family. She befriended 3 male friends at the gym and met them two evenings a week, staying out until 11:45 pm on Fridays for a drink after the gym. 2 of these guys didn't bother me, but the third I had suspicions about. She seemed to have less and less time for me as time went on and I became increasingly unhappy. Sex had ceased some time before and was by now completely off the agenda.

I had a female boss at work who was (and still is) a close personal friend. I told her in the depths of my despair that I thought my marriage was on the rocks and explained why. Her suggested solution was for me to build an independent life too. I found this hard to take on board as wife and family were everything to me and we had always done everything together and as a family. However, I eventually came round to her way of thinking and began to look outside the family for other interests. This is about 3 years after the point at which things had started to go wrong in the marriage.

I would deliberately stay out late on Friday nights to show that what is sauce for the goose can also be sauce for the gander. In my new independent life I also began an affair. 5 years later, DW's friendship with her 3 gym mates had fizzled out but I was still coming home late on Friday nights and we were continuing to pursue our separate lives outside the family. One day after an argument, DW said she wouldn't be surprised if I was about to announce that I was leaving her and the boys, because I had become so distant. I reassured her that nothing was further from my mind and over the course of a few days, things clicked back into place. Naturally we talked about what had happened over the previous 8 years - although not at any great length - and she asked me if I had been seeing somebody else. I said that I wanted to ask her the same question. She said "Well, you don't, do you..." to which I replied "Well, there's your answer".

We have never discussed the matter since, so I think there is a mutual suspicion which is perhaps best left as that. At times I would like to know the truth, but mostly I think it is all best left in the past as part of a very unhappy episode. You can't bear a grudge about something that may or may not have happened. Since the end of that episode, we have been very happy and with the boys all grown up and gone, we have had a great time doing all the things we could never afford to do while they were growing up.

So mine is a story of surviving an affair with a difference. Would I ever have another affair? Not a chance. I looked in the wrong place for the solution to the problems in my marriage.

What a sad story, wideboy. I'm especially cross, though, that you were advised by your boss to take up an independent life, given that's what you were effectively doing anyway! Yours is a salutary lesson about the need to communicate in a marriage, not just behave badly and sweep everything under the carpet. What kind of example were you setting your children?

... and when I say 'you', I don't just mean you - I mean you and your wife

Thankyou for sharing #wideboy# my husband has also said he should have put the effort into our marriage that he put into his affair- I certainly more than agree with this!

I say everything happens for a reason even if it takes a while to see it. I'm wondering if this happened to make our relationship better, more fun & bring us closer. I suppose only time can tell there x

I think it comes down to how you view it.

I've seen you use "strong" and "strength" a lot but the thing is, to lots of people, staying is the exact opposite.

It's weak.

It's being too weak to gather up your self-respect and strike out on your own.

I'm not saying either one is right. I'm just saying, you can't call staying with a cheater strong. It's a decision. That's all.

Saying it's weak isn't right either, then.

I think either decision takes strength of some sort.

Good luck OP....

I did say that I don't think either one is right! :)

Sorry, I misread that as you saying that staying was weak...

In my situation with how I feel, I think I'd need to be stronger to leave than to stay, if that makes sense? Though I also don't feel that makes me weak.
I'm starting to feel more hopeful about the future, with him.
Just not sure I can trust (yet or ever I don't know) that he'll never do it again. Though at the same time I suppose you could say that of anyone x

BWIW - interesting question as to the example we have set. 3 of our sons are in long term, cohabiting relationships and to outward appearances are very happy. Their partners are all lovely girls and we feel very lucky. My wife thoroughly enjoys spending time and doing girlie things with our honorary daughters and manages to become about 30 years younger in their company! One son is getting married next year, so we are all loved-up in the family at the moment. It is very touching to see how excited the boys are at the prospect of their brother's marriage.

The fourth son (the eldest) has had problems with relationships in the past and took several years out. The problem seemed to be his view of himself rather than any inability to sustain a loving relationship. He would form attachments to unsuitable women because he didn't think that worthwhile women would be interested in him. He undervalued himself. However, about 4 months ago he met a girl (with some brains and a good family background) and all seems to be going well, so our fingers are crossed for him. I don't think anything he witnessed between his parents would have affected his ability to form relationships as we kept our difficulties very much between us. You may, of course, view matters differently.

If you were to drop in for a cup of tea these days (and you would be more than welcome to do so!) you would never know that we had difficulties in our marriage years ago. When people ask how we have managed to sustain our marriage for 38 years I always say that it isn't easy. And it isn't, but if we had to go through that awful 8 year period to get to where we are now, I accept that it was worth it to be as happy and fulfilled as we are now.

'It's being too weak to gather up your self-respect and strike out on your own.'

Comments like this are exactly what I meant when I said this board wasn't a particularly friendly place for people like myself who haven't followed the accepted route of LTB.

I think like everything else in life much depends on the circumstances. For me the easy option was to leave. I was comfortable on my own, I had a good relationship with H, a substantial divorce settlement, several excellent job opportunities and was young enough and sparky enough to be fairly confident I wouldn't be moulding in a corner by myself for the rest of my life. In short I was pretty excited about my new life.

Staying took far more guts. It meant going against my friends and family, and losing my best friend in the process (she's been an OW herself and has set views on how these situations should be resolved). It meant being the one people gossip about. It meant having to start again with someone who had really hurt me. It meant being the person people make comments like the one above about. It is a fucking difficult path.

For me it was the right decision, and not a weak cop out.

"Comments like this are exactly what I meant when I said this board wasn't a particularly friendly place for people like myself who haven't followed the accepted route of LTB."

Quite. It really pisses me off TBH.

It would have been really hard to walk out the door on dday and the immediate aftermath - my head was all over the place. But at any point since then leaving would have been the easiest option. Just walk away, put all the confusion and pain and anger behind me, nice clean slate. I have never worked so hard at anything. Weak? My arse

You took that completely out of context!

I was trying to say, there are two sides to the coin.

I'm sure people who have walked away from their old lives, gone from co to single parenting and had to change massive aspects of their lives because someone cheated on them don't like thinking they are weak because they didn't 'stay and fight'.

It's the ultimate betrayal so for me there would be no trying to work it out - a person that goes behind your back and has emotional and/or physical connections with another is sending out a very clear message - they don't love you in the way a person should in a committed relationship - you may stay but that trust is never recovered, it's like gluing back an old ornament, looks ok from the outside but is still broken and always will be. Anyone who says they trust a cheating partner is really not being truthful to themselves - why saddle yourself with someone who clearly isn't 100% committed and, will possibly do it again, after all, they got away with it first time.

Too many women are so worn down and so embarrassed they stick it out, especially if there are children involved, imo, they are doing themselves a dis-service as well as settling for 2nd best.

I'm not quite sure what to say to that atm.

Waltermittythesequel Struggling to think of a single thread where a poster has been accused of being weak for walking out on a cheating DH. However, those who choose to stay barely post on here as they are constantly told they are weak, have no self-respect, pathetic, he'll cheat again, he can't love you if he did that, etc. etc. etc.

And even if you have no doubt that you want to work through it, sometimes reading those comments puts the doubts in your head.

Not a single member of my family, DH's family, my friends, or in fact DH himself think I'm weak. Quite the opposite.

And yet on here people just yell LTB, are generally scornful of those who choose to stay. To the point where a lot of posters chose not to comment on my thread, but to PM with their stories, as they knew they would be faced with derision.

I feel the need to point out that waltermittythesequal did not say those that stay are weaker, or that those that leave are stronger......

I think it's just the fact - and it is fact - that the vast majority of cheaters cheat again.
I don't think staying is weak, but I don't think LTB is weak either.
A different type of strength perhaps?
Have to say though, I do think those who stay are deluding themselves.
Their relationship isn't what they thought it was.
And neither is the person they are with.

Jan45

I daresay most betrayed spouses would say that they would never trust anyone 100% again, so if both partners are willing to work through it, and there is love there (because sometimes, the cheating spouse does still live their partner) then I can't see the problem with trying again.

Yes, if your DH is emotionally abusive, physically abusive etc. then it should be the final straw for everyone, me included.

If marriages were happy before the affair, they stand a much better chance of recovery.

Mine was. And like the OP, I feel positive about our future. But it hasn't been easy to get to this point, for either of us. Hours and hours of talking and talking about why and how he did what he did.

We have a different relationship now. We are far more open with each other (him bottling stuff up and trying to be 'strong' was one of the causes), very affectionate and loving. He is far more self aware, knows why he allowed his boundaries to drop and I believe he would never do it again.

Like a previous poster said, he didn't enjoy it. It was incredibly stressful, he hated lying to me so much he distanced himself hugely from us all and basically thought about himself for 5 months or so.

I can categorically say, hand on heart, that this behaviour was tremendously out of character for him. He is now my DH of old, but it feels like a better version.

And not all women who stay do so because they are downtrodden etc. I have far more friends than DH, I am well respected by my colleagues and have a hobby that has seen me playing in an orchestra in front of massive audiences. And I'm extremely talented! I would be fine on my own, as would DH. But the thing we have both realised from this is that we live each other, make each other happy and enrich each others lives.

Funnily enough DH was like you. Affairs are deal breakers. You'd never catch me doing that. I think sometimes those who find themselves in that position don't even realise they are there until it's too late as they had no idea they were letting their boundaries down.

Sorry if this has been a waffly post. Can't see what I've already typed.

It has been v cathartic to write....