Has anyone got through an affair and stayed together ?

[jimmijam]

Just wondering, I know couples who've survived and those who haven't.

Was it a full on affair or one off?
How long have you been together (so far) since? And are you happy in that relationship?

Or , did you try & it didn't work ? Why didn't it work?

Thankyou
X

Good luck op you have to do what you feel is right for you.

Just don't do what my friend has just done. Is on fb again slagging off someone for speaking to the ow. Ow is a dirty trash bag and her husband was lead astray....that level of self delusion is unhealthy.

Ummm led astray....I hate auto spellchecker.

I think it's wrong to generalise. Unless you are in the marriage you can have no idea whether reconciliation is possible or even desirable. You also can have no idea if the marriage is better or worse than it was before.

The only thing that I think can be said in all circumstances is that no firm decision about definite reconciliation or divorce can be made in the first few months. There is too much emotion flying around. I know it seems desirable to make a decision just to feel you are in control but everything will be in flux for a long long time to come.

Toda, my mental health and peace of mind are just fine. Please don't generalise on my behalf. I'm not sure why those who have 'unblemished' relationships feel the need to be so smug sometime, but then I'm sure I was the same. Yes my husband cheated and I am now much more aware of that as a possibility, but then before his affair I was very very confident it would never happen to me, and I was wrong. Now I think you never know what the future may bring and that goes just as much for those that have relationships that appear 100% good as those that have had some very rocky past times. The key is whether you love and respect each other, and how much you are committed to communicate and work through difficulties.

I'd not say that my relationship benefited from dh's affair, because of course it didn't (I'm not a believer in 'what doesn't kill you makes you stronger') but neither is it fractured. To say that the affair was a 'blip' minimizes the pain of those very horrible years but nonetheless it needs to be seen in the broader context, dh and I have been together for 25 years and I hope will be together for longer than that in the years ahead.

Each relationship is to some extent unique and I think it would be better if we all try to look at each other with a bit of compassion and understanding.

I totally agree Irian, it's very important to make major decisions when things are less raw, and also not to think that any decision has to be forever. Plus it's incredibly hard to know if you are even making the right decision because I think only time can tell.

I wonder whether the trust is easier to regain when the previous relationship was longer and more unblemished.

For example I find that old truism 'once a cheater always a cheater' a bit odd in my situation as he was NOT a cheater for 30 years. Could I not just as reasonably say 'once a faithful husband always a faithful husband'?

Or is it just that something as simplistic as those two statements are in fact a heap of old bollocks?

I had a friend who stayed for a year after BF was unfaithful - a single ONS - and then walked out because she decided that she couldn't after all forgive him. I wouldn't have dreamed of telling her she was wrong and that she should have given it another chance. How could I judge that? She made that decision based on what she wanted and needed and what she felt about her relationship.

OP - I have had a torrent of abuse on these boards for choosing to stay after my husband's affair. I'm with Jones and Inspiredbylife way of thinking. To answer your qs, he had a 5 month affair with a work colleague. It told me just over a year ago. We've been through counselling and all sorts and after going through a tough series of anniversaries relating to it, I feel a lot stronger now and genuinely feel like it is getting better.

Here's what I think generally about whether you can survive affairs:

I think that if the cheating partner does everything they can to make amends for what they have done, it is possible to survive it. They need to communicate and be prepared to let you talk about it.

I think some people do cheat only once. And it shocks them as much as it shocks their partner. They hate themselves for it. Part of the recovery process is their ability to forgive themselves, because if they can't they will remain miserable and if they are miserable, their partner will be too.

I think you need to weigh up your happiness living in a marriage where you will never have 100% trust again, with how happy you would be without them. In my case, I know that I am happier with him. I actually think most married couples - affair or not - must occasionally have some doubts or wonder if their partner is capable of having an affair. It's how much you dwell on this that will determine if you can successfully stay together.

I think it is a hard path to stay and try to fix it. I think leaving and trying to start a new life is hard. I think marriage is hard full stop. But if you have values that tell you to give it your best shot and try to fix something, rather than just dispose of something when you hit a bump in the road, you have a better chance of staying together (assuming my first point has been met).

Only you can make the decision. Your gut will tell you what to do, so listen to it. Don't listen to anyone telling you need to stay together for the kids. Don't listen to anyone telling you that you're a fool for staying because once a cheater, always a cheater. Listen to your inner voice. Take each day as it comes.

And if you try and it doesn't work, you can say you gave it your best effort. People will say life is too short to stay in a marriage like that. But life is a series of events that happens and it's what you learn from them that makes your journey yours.

I hope your journey is a happy one xx

I'm sure many manage it, with commitment to work on the relationship on both sides as well as willingness to forgive and learn to trust again.

My marriage hasn't survived my affair though. I haven't been able to detach sufficiently from the other person, and the feelings that the affair awoke in me. My dh deserves more than I can now give him.

My affair ended and there is no possibility of it being resurrected, so I won't be leaving for another person. However, the effect has been too catastrophically damaging for both of us. He can't trust me now, and I am struggling to find the space to grieve for a devastating love affair. There is just too much pain and anger on both sides, with an extra helping of guilt on mine.

I guess the usual tropes about there being fundamental problems in the marriage must apply, but tbh, it's hard to remember a time before the other person was in my life, and such a key part of my internal emotional landscape.

All I want now is a dignified end to the marriage with as little acrimony as possible, whilst acknowledging that I am entirely at fault and take full responsibility for this most gargantuan of fuck ups. My dh needs to be free to find love again, and I just want to be alone.

Sorry if this comes across as completely self obsessed and narcissistic. I'm way too 'in it' to be able to offer anything in the way of objectivity.

Yes, but we did break up properly for nine months and slowly got back together over six months over that. Two years on and we're stronger than ever but it's been a rough ride. I think it can be done but it takes communication, fortitude and a genuine determination to make it work on both sides.

honking your post is very sad.

I hope you both find peace and happiness.

Sliced I'm really confused. Nowhere did I say or even imply that I was a nicer person for staying with my Dh after his affair than you or anyone else who left. I was talking about the abuse people on here get when they do stay. How we are called deluded, with no self esteem. It's so personal, and it hurts. It hurts as much as the affair itself, as part of the recovery is having to pick yourself up, find your self esteem again, and learn to hold your head up in public in the knowledge that you yourself have nothing to be ashamed of. Hurtful comments from strangers bring you down again. This thread has brought me down again, I shouldn't have read it.

Staying or leaving is dependent on circumstances. It's that simple. No two situations are the same. OP, follow your gut.

Thankyou all for all of your continued input .
Today was mostly a down, I don't think this will work day, but has ended a little more positive & not having a clue.

I'm sorry to anyone who feels they've been put down in this thread, it wasn't at all my intention. I hope that reading some positive experiences on here brings you strength.

Sorry, I'm on my phone making it hard to scroll back... To the person a few posts back who had an affair . It's positive that you have both come to the same agreement about your marriage so that you can both find space to move on in your own lives. Also regretting what you did, I'd assume that in the future you'd react differently to any relationship problems to save yourself and your future partner from going through this pain. That too is a good thing. We all make mistakes (yes some are much bigger than others), but it's what we take away and learn from them & how we use what we've learnt in the future that makes a difference
X

Chin up jimmi. There will be good days and bad days. As time passes the good ones will start to outnumber the bad ones x

I tried to make it work but as Mrs Parker says, I looked at him differently and knew I'd never trust again. That's an awful way to live. We are divorced now and, it took a while, but I'm very happy now x

My best friend cheated on her husband five years ago with her old university BF and her husband found out (stray email).

They are still together and appear to have worked it out. She said it was down to her husband's response. Instead of blowing up, he calmly hugged her and told her he loved her, didn't want to lose her and would fight for her.

Their marriage had been going through a tough patch - he was quiet and didn't share emotions; she had moved to a new city and felt lonely and isolated. As far as I can tell they have built their marriage back piece by piece and now have a decent relationship. He never brought it up in future arguments or discussions and is trying to be more emotionally responsive to her. She seems to have realised she had a good one and focused on the marriage as well.

*Sliced I'm really confused. Nowhere did I say or even imply that I was a nicer person for staying with my Dh after his affair than you or anyone else who left. I was talking about the abuse people on here get when they do stay. How we are called deluded, with no self esteem. It's so personal, and it hurts. It hurts as much as the affair itself, as part of the recovery is having to pick yourself up, find your self esteem again, and learn to hold your head up in public in the knowledge that you yourself have nothing to be ashamed of. Hurtful comments from strangers bring you down again. This thread has brought me down again, I shouldn't have read it.

Staying or leaving is dependent on circumstances. It's that simple. No two situations are the same. OP, follow your gut.*

If you put a post up about a cheat on an internet forum full of strangers you are going to get the majority telling you that you are mad to stay - it's not out of anything other than people's morals and standards, it's not abuse for god's sake! If you don't want the brutal truth, don't post on a public internet forum - sometimes the truth hurts.

Just fed up of folk who have chosen to stay slagging off posters because they wouldn't stay themselves - you have to take both sides of the coin and accept that not everyone will encourage and or agree with your decision to stay, it has nothing to do with abusing you.

In all fairness I think it's the blanket generalisations that get thrown at the people who stay that are being objected to.

Not everyone who stays is a downtrodden wife with low self-esteem etc., etc. Not every cheat will reoffend, is only sorry they got caught etc., etc.

You don't have to approve of what we are doing, but hey maybe when we're having a bit of a moment of doubt and you read stuff like that, it does feel like everyone is sticking the knife in, even though that wasn't the intention.

If everyone reacted the same as everyone else to the situations life throws at us then wouldn't it all be very boring?

I am more than happy, that for some people infidelity is a deal breaker. It turned out not to be for me. That was my decision. Doesn't mean that the person sitting next to me on the train should react the same way. And if they chose to leave the relationship over it, who am I to judge?

My new worry ... Which I know no one can answer.... How do I know he wants to come back because he loves me, not because he wants to keep the lifestyle we're used to, or because he can obviously see a lot more of the children if he comes back?

Could be a combination of all 3. That would be acceptable in a LTR, wouldn't it?

I think all three are part and parcel of a normal relationship as well, but I know how you feel as it was one of my worries in the aftermath of DH's affair and us both deciding that we wanted to try and make it work.

I asked DH's views on this early on and his answer was always that of the course the children were part of it, but that he'd realised that the largest part of wanting to make us work was that he couldn't imagine life without me.

He made a huge effort to spend time with just me, he organised babysitters so we could go out, even if it was just for a walk, he arranged childcare so we could have a weekend away about two months into everything.

He recently organised a holiday just for the two of us and asked his brother to have our 3 DCs for 5 days. We went camping for a week, something we love doing and haven't done, even with the children, since DS2 came along so it really was just the two of us with no distractions.

But it was the little things. Far more affectionate, more considerate (not that he was inconsiderate before really). He has only come to bed at a different time to me twice since the end of the affair. And then only because I went to bed at a stupidly early time as I was shattered. He emails me from work to ask how I'm doing (before the affair we had never been in contact at all during the day), and not because I expect it, but because he genuinely is interested in my day.

In short we have spent far more time together since his affair was discovered than we did previously. We make time for each other. He says he even though he has always loved me, he feels now like he's fallen in love with me all over again, but that it's even stronger than the first time.

There is hope, OP, if you BOTH really want it to work. But you have to tell him your fears and he has to work to overcome them.

I also agree with previous posters that it's very hard to make a decision early on, for both of you. DH was in shock at what he'd done and how much he'd hurt me, almost as much as I was.

We both decided early on we wanted to try and make it work. Now we both know we want it to work.

Sorry if this is a bit incoherent. DS2 (3) is having a toddler moment!

Sorry Jones, I can see it might feel like a knife going in but the trouble with an internet forum is you get harsh truths, I s'pose I put it along the lines of, if my daughter's husband cheated on her, I'd have the same view but perhaps would be a bit more sensitive when applying that view.

I am delighted for you being able to have an even better relationship with your OH, I really am.

It's not really harsh truths though is it, more like harsh 'opinions'. I wasn't on Mumsnet during the affair years, but my friends although loving were not always terribly supportive becasue they had such black and white opinions whereas I was swimming in a sea of grey. One plus point of moving very far away is that we left all that baggage behind and can get to know people and then tell them about our past if we feel like it.

I'm not condemning people with different opinions, of course not, I am fairly sure I would have shared their opinions before I had experience of my own, and often the best thing to do is LTB. But choosing not to is not being week or foolish so long as you decide to try again after lots of thought, with responsibility fairly taken and with very open eyes.

Hi Jim, just wanted to say I was in a very similar position to you just over a year ago. He wasn't sure what he wanted initially but then convinced me that he wanted to stay. I decided to forgive him for several reasons:
I believed he was a good person and it was a one off, we had a very good marriage, I wanted a family unit for my dd, etc. He left 5 months later, I later found out he left for her and is living with her. Based on my own experience it sounds like your husband may head the same way but for what it's worth I'm glad I gave it another go. I can say that I tried to make it work and I have peace of mind that I tried to give my dd what I desperately wanted her to have. I'm also glad he's now gone although it's been very hard - I don't think our marriage would ever have worked again. He was sorry but nowhere near sorry enough x

Have written him a list if things to change, & asked him to do one too which he's said he will. Examples of what's in mine....
Be affectionate without being sexual sometimes
Cut off all contact with her
Help with housework without me asking first (he never did any)
Go for counselling alone ( eg his parents both had affairs, as did his first wife...) then as a couple

It's a long list, 33 things.
So far all I know that is on his is to not have my eyebrows so thin! Not what I was expecting to be on it but there we go.

I really feel for you Op. I haven't read your other thread and I may have misunderstood , but if they are still working together I don't see how this can be resolved . His priority from day one should have been looking for another job , if that means flipping burgers for a while so be it.

Have you personally verified that this affair is over ?