Has anyone got through an affair and stayed together ?

[jimmijam]

Just wondering, I know couples who've survived and those who haven't.

Was it a full on affair or one off?
How long have you been together (so far) since? And are you happy in that relationship?

Or , did you try & it didn't work ? Why didn't it work?

Thankyou
X

LTB is leave the bastard, condoms are definitely a physical barrier, both between you and her, and you and him. This is where the problems start tbh, it will be difficult to go back to not using them, it's a way to avoid full intimacy and also punish him by keeping a barrier in place

Yes I can see that :/

I apologise jimmijam,I didn't mean it to come out as a teaching granny to suck eggs, which is how its come across . it was the way you asked if it was odd? which it's not, but not good relationship wise is what I meant to say

I have skipped the whole thread.

NC obvs

I had an affair. I got caught out when I dumped the OM and he took exception to the fact and thought he would tell DH. TBH if DH had stepped up to the plate and met my emotional needs, the affairs wouldn't have happened. DH is a lovely wonderful man but he puts other people before my needs - as in - he will give up a weekend to help someone move house, but if I suggest a weekend away or a day out it becomes apparent we have little in the way of common interests.

We rub along ok.

'LTB' really??? We had a 30 minute discussion on my indiscretion. I pointed out if he ever used it as weapon against me I would be walking and he had to acknowledge his part in my affair and failure to meet my needs for us to move forward.

It has never been discussed again. DH isnt jealous, he accepts a relationship breakdown is a two way thing.

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/a1984782-Cant-be-bothered-to-name-change-Discovered-emails-on-DHs-phone

you sound lovely admit no wonder you changed your name ! and yeah your right he dies sond like a nice man. If you have little in common do him a favour and just bloody leave, he would be far better off with out you.

Ive dipped on to this thread twice and both times seen posters admitting they had affairs but didn't take full responsibility for it. It makes my skin crawl.

Nobody makes you drop your knickers or underpants, nobody makes you climb in bed and fuck someone else. I actually pity the partners who have taken these people back as they have clearly self esteem issues.

Ah well another come back when you have some experience of life. We've been married 30 years with one blip.

We all have T&C we abide by. It works for us and our children.

Ah well another come back when you have some experience of life. We've been married 30 years with one blip

How condescending

Apparently in order to have life experience you have to fuck someone else then expect your husband to get over it in thirty minutes.

Apparently in order to have life experience you have to fuck someone else then expect your husband to get over it in thirty minutes

Well apparently so

Yes mrsw I totally agree yet I havd a feeling that admit hasn't got the type of personality to see or admit it.

My bil cheated on his wife - oh it was her fault as well. She didn't clean the house enough, she was always miserable ect..

The sad thing is she still stayed with him.

If my dh had tried telling me it was my fault he had his affair then there would have been no future for us. It took us about three years to recover, 30 minutes is ridiculous. But then I don't aspire to just rubbing along, that seems a pretty sad state of affairs to me.

I'm happy to acknowledge my part in our relationship getting into a difficult place, although most of it was down to circumstances and the differences in our natures. I do not and never would take any responsibility for dh choosing to play away. That was his choice freely made. If he tried to put that on me I would despise him. But he doesn't because he is a grown up who takes responsibility for his actions. That is the starting point for rebuilding after an affair, and without it I don't think that there is much chance for honesty or trust.

Well, MrsWolowitz and anotherchapter didn't like my post. Tough.

''lucky for who? It's wasn't your bloody wife''.... Really, how can you say that? You know nothing about our situation back then, or the happy, fulfilling, exciting and loving life we've had in the last decade. And I most definitely did NOT say it was lucky for her, I obviously meant it was lucky for me.

All you are doing is criticising me for being (a) male (b) an adulterer and (c) honest enough to recognise that I made a mistake. Fortunately my lovely wife made a decision not to break up a family over something that we were strong enough to overcome together.

I've been where you are and it's a bleak place.

I had 3 months separation time to 'be myself' and it's true that it does give you perspective. For me, it made me realise that, despite what had happened (a full-on 5 month affair in which he began to make plans to leave me and make a new life with 'her'), I simply loved him and would be happier together than apart. We had been together for 13 years at the time.

He missed me in my absence; as a result, he asked me to continue our life together. I'm not a complete doormat, so some 'provisos' were made and I agreed that it would become a turned page, to which I would not refer.

We are now 11 years further down the line and have a strong bond. I would say that we both learned some valuable lessons, and are more attentive and supportive of one another as a result.

I chose to try and make the relationship work because I could still see the man I loved (sometimes only a few toes poking out, sometimes a bit more of him).

I believe the affair was sparked by factors beyond physical attraction and, in part, by a mid-life crisis/depressive phase. He felt discontented with life in general and thought the 'solution' lay in breaking free of our marriage.

Even now, I cannot forget what happened, although I have certainly forgiven. There have been difficult times: any cross word takes you straight back to zero-hour and the words uttered in those dark days. However, the pain of that does lessen with time.

No one can know if a relationship will last, regardless of an affair. I think it's best to take it one day at a time, try to be honest with each other and treat the other person as your close friend (giving them the same respect, care and best of yourself that you would hope to receive in return). It benefits no one to rehash past arguments, so it's vital that you feel capable of rising above any resentment.

No one can make your decisions but you: evaluate how much you still love him and if you want to fight to make it work. Be under no illusion that it's an easy path.

If you try and it doesn't work out then you will know you gave it a shot; don't feel that you failed - it was simply a learning experience. Go forth then with a lighter heart, and enjoy the world with new eyes.

It is possible to be happy solo - and much easier in many ways of course - so don't cling to him through fear of the unknown, only through love.

(I'm assuming that there is no domestic abuse in your relationship... if there is, please seek professional advice xxx)

These threads always get hijacked at some point by those who just won't believe that anyone can come back from an affair and actually be happy. I think if you take anything away from this thread jimmi it should be that. No matter where you and your H end up, there are people out there in RL who will judge you, make assumptions about you, talk about you behind your back, think of you as 'that woman', the one they never want to be.... and all of the other comments that have been made upthread. That for me has been the hardest part of reconciliation. The issues between DH and I were resolved before we reconciled. The issues others have will never be resolved, because like Jan45 et al they are completely blinkered to anything other than their opinion.

It is nice to see other posters have been brave enough to share their positive stories. I know there are plenty of us out there, but largely they keep quiet. Why lay your self open to personal attack about a relationship choice? It's odd how in the PC world of MN you will be hung drawn and quartered for making a racist comment, but it is absolutely fine to be pull someone apart over a relationship that is has survived tremendous upset. Don't those people deserve the same respect and consideration as others? It seems not.

Dolciapax seeing as you've quoted one of my posts I'll answer.

The op wanted to know if reconciliation had worked or hadn't. In my personal experience it hadn't and I have the reasons I felt it wouldn't including feeling like 'that woman'

Every personality is different. Just because you forgave your husband and I didn't doesn't make you a nicer person that me. It makes you a different person than me, that is all.

Thankyou :-)
The decisions I make will be mine & for my family, based on our circumstances. Everyone is different.
I've had people say 'my man knows if he did that I'd chop his balls off' and very similar comments. Would they really if it did actually happen to them? No. So comments like that wind me up a bit as they make it all seem so simple.

I'm not sure how I can be as sure as us possible that he wouldn't do it again though. A part of me does feel he'll have 'got away with it' so almost be encouraged to do it again.

Last night we were messaging each other (I won't go into detail here) but he sent me one message which instantly put me on a downer as I instantly knew he'd sent the same message to her many times but that it was his 1st time sending it to me. He admitted this. Still made me feel a little low though. I don't want him doing the same things with me, his wife, as he did 1st with his bit on the side. I want things with us to be fresh & new to us. Special to us.

Still not made a definite decision yet.
Yet at the moment still leaning towards getting back together .

I've had people say 'my man knows if he did that I'd chop his balls off' and very similar comments. Would they really if it did actually happen to them? No. So comments like that wind me up a bit as they make it all seem so simple.

Very true. No one knows what they would do unless in that situation.

There is no way if you met my DP that you would think that he would have stayed with his ex wife after her straying. A very confident man who knows his mind kind of person. In fact he does say if you had asked him the 'would you stay' question before he had had his experience of it he would have said no way.

However add children into the mix who he loves and adores, and no matter what people say if you split the father is most likely to become the NRP, he did stay the first time. She took advantage however and history repeated itself.

Jimmijam re the text messages that hurts and thought less on his part. Not nice!. You make your decision on what is right for you. You need to ask yourself if you will ever have peace of mind again?

My closest friend and her dh have been married for 26 yrs. Their marriage survived her dh affair in the first decade of marriage. The affair lasted 6 months and had the added complication of a pregnancy invented by OW within days of him confessing all to Dw and begging forgiveness.. at the time however it was not known that the pregnancy was a cruel invented manipulation and obviously greatly added to my friends anguish whilst deciding if she wanted to /could forgive. Without a doubt the 'easier' option would have been to walk away. She had her own money and could have survived on her own from day 1. She decided they could make it work.It took a lot of faith and trust in her part and a lot of work and perseverance on his, along with acceptance that he couldn't just expect it to be 'happy' within a couple of weeks. There was also an understanding (and expect to get flamed here but this was REALITY) that whilst the 'fault' was entirely his for having been unfaithful, responsibility for the state the relationship had reached, where conditions made looking outside the marriage for emotional comfort and physical affection possible, was both of there's and committing to staying together meant committing to communicating their feelings to each other as soon as doubts arise and long before the need is felt for one or other to discuss or act on those feelings outside their marriage. Is the marriage stronger for it ? I honestly can't answer that because the affair happened and can't be ignored, all I can say is that pathetic platitudes like once a cheat always a cheat are extremely unhelpful and rarely true and my bf has had an extremely happy marriage with that exception for 26 years. For my part I would say it would be very hard to forgive. It would depend on the circumstances as it is very unusual for either party to look elsewhere in a genuinely happy marriage but I do believe the worst case scenario would be to stay and say you forgive but not mean it. That benefits no one .

Couples who survive it, have come to the conclusion now that yes they survive it at a cost, their mental health and peace of mind! Its never the same relationship ever again.

I'm only 4 months into this but wanted to let you know my take on this.
I found out when dc4 was 3months old that during my pregnancy dh had had an emotional and physical affair with someone who worked at dc3's nursery. I (and he) thought I would leave the bastard. It turns out its more complicated than that.

After time apart, me making plans for divorce and separating finances we started to actually talk and fun together. I thought our marriage was ok before but we did focus too much on the children work and other people and oue marriage was bottom of the queue. He feels awful about tbe affair and has had some therapy. It made him miserable really and wasnt the amzing exciting thing he thought it would be.
We're starting again. Its working for us. I wouldn't judge anyone who can't or doesn't want to stay. Its neither brave or weak to stay after an affair. ... it depends on so many different factors. I know that my choice hasn't been made out of fear and that's really important. We are both still here because we want to be.

As for if I can trust him 100% then of course not. ... I'm not stupid. But I really believe that we both got complacent. I cant control what he does only how i resppnd to it. At the moment thats enough for me.

Now to dp a more hopeful name change

Sorry for crap typing... on phone and baby pn boob