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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

I think it's over. I'm devastated

126 replies

MummySparkle · 05/09/2014 15:40

We are driving back from a 2 week holiday. When we get home he has said he's leaving. I'm devastated. I have 6hrs to try and make this right

OP posts:
CogitoErgoSometimes · 05/09/2014 15:45

Sorry if you've had a nasty shock but this probably isn't something you can 'make right'. If someone's determined to go the best thing you can do for your self-respect is to not stand in their way. Good luck

GirlWithTheLionHeart · 05/09/2014 15:45

What happened?

Cabrinha · 05/09/2014 15:46

What a shock! I'm sorry. Shitty timing. Without Anything else to go on, I'd say you have 6 hours to think about moving on. Have you actually done something that needs to be put right?

hellsbellsmelons · 05/09/2014 15:46

You need to let him go.
There's more to this than you realise.
You can't fix a relationship on your own.
It takes 2 people to work at it.

I'll be the first to call OW!!!
Sorry this has happened to you OP.
But please don't do the 'pick me' dance.
Let him leave, realise what's he's lost then you'll have more power.

Do you have children?
Own your house or rent your house, jointly?

Call him out on it - there's something going on behind the scenes.

thestamp · 05/09/2014 15:50

Oh no. It sounds like you are in dire straits.

Try not to try to fix it. I know that's very hard. But you know what, if you "fix" it now, you are going to have to "fix" it every day to keep him from leaving eventually. And that isn't a life, it's hell on earth.

If he wants to leave, let him go. You won't go hungry, you won't die, you will live and recover and be OK.

Relationships only truly thrive when both partners CHOOSE to be together. If he's not choosing that anymore, it doesn't help to try to force him to choose it. That only creates more problems.

thestamp · 05/09/2014 15:54

I remember your previous thread OP.

this man needs to go. It will be better for all of you in the end. He's abusive and nasty.

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/a2156413-I-dont-know-how-much-longer-we-can-continue-like-this

MummyBeerest · 05/09/2014 15:55

I'm so sorry.

It's not just up to you to make it right. And it's unfair to you to put that on yourself.

Maybe some time apart is what you need?

Bisou88 · 05/09/2014 16:00

What on earth has happened?

I echo what others have said though, if he is determined to go, there is nothing you can do or say that will make him want to be with you. And if you do succeed at changing his mind, youll be forever doubting your relationship.

Its bone crushing right now, but you will not feel like this forever.

MrsSlave · 05/09/2014 16:03

OP, I remember your previous thread too. Please please let him go. He is evil.

You may currently feel devastated but I can guarantee you that within a few months, you will feel as though you can breathe again.

I have no doubt that this is probably a silly game. He seems to enjoy petty games as I recall.

Sorry you're having to deal with this, but I have no doubt that it will be for the best. Please don't try to change his mind. Let the baby man get on with. Thanks Wine

Bisou88 · 05/09/2014 16:05

Ah gosh, just read your other thread... Sounds to me he is doing you a favor by leaving.. I think youll be surprised at how much easier your life will be...

You need someone understanding and supportive, not this belittling selfish bully...

Finola1step · 05/09/2014 16:16

I posted on your previous thread.

Don't try to fix something that is fundamentally flawed - him.

Please, please, please do not do the "pick me" dance. This is what he is expecting so that he can then control you and abuse you just that bit more.

Tel him to go. Then call Women's Aid as soon as you can.

Quitelikely · 05/09/2014 16:23

OP how can you make it right when you haven't made anything wrong? The answer is you can't.

I think that 2 children in only three years of knowing each other is a lot for a relationship to take. I don't think he has handled the strain very well.

He is not a very nice man and has unreasonable expectations of you. Please don't try to save this.

MummySparkle · 05/09/2014 16:54

Thank you everyone for your replies.

In his eyes I have ruined the holiday by making everyone feel as if they were 'treading on eggshells' around me, and only allowing people to enjoy things if I was enjoying them.

We spent the first week in a lodge with his mum and stepdad, and the 2nd week in a cottage with his dad camping nearby.

I have struggled throughout the holiday. DD (12 weeks) has been suffering with reflux and we have had a lot

OP posts:
MummySparkle · 05/09/2014 17:10

Sorry, posted too soon. We have had a lot of screaming fits from DD. I hate it when she cries and I admit that I get short and snappy with people when she is screaming because she needs me to sort her out. I tried my best to sit quietly with her until she had calmed down and I had calmed down too. But apparently every time if did this I was being 'cold'.

At the beginning of the journey today I was flustered because our cottage had a powercut so we couldn't pack til the morning. And I was up for 4hrs during the night with the DCs. We'd just set off and had to stop 10mins in to feed DD (cue stressed me listening to her crying) in the hot car. Anyway I got upset because I was hot, tired & dehydrated, I needed to rearrange a few bits in the car and DD was screaming. I had a bit of a mad mini ute and some tears 'I can't do this' (buggy got wedged on my foot) 'I'm too hot', 'I'm really thirsty'. Childish and unnecessary, but I couldn't control myself at the time.

Once we were back driving again OH got really angry. Shouting at me and telling me that it was like living with a child and how I have ruined the holiday for everyone. He said when we get home he wants me out of his life for good.

I hate the thougt that I've been mean to everyone. Because it really wasn't intentional, if I made people feel uncomfortable it wasn't through choice, and I feel terrible now. I wish we hadn't come on holiday as it was really hard with DD so young.

OH has calmed down now and it's acting like neither of our outbursts happened. We are about to stop for dinner before the next leg of the journey. I don't feel I can be bothered to have a meal with him, but DS and DD will be hungry so I'll stop for them.

OP posts:
Rebecca2014 · 05/09/2014 17:15

He is not going to leave you. This is just an emotional play to get you to beg and feel guilty.

Hopefully he really will leave you because in the long run your be emotionally better off.

CogitoErgoSometimes · 05/09/2014 17:21

The PP is right. It sounds like someone taking advantage of an already stressful situation to make you feel more scared and more vulnerable. What did he do to make you feel less stressed and tired at any stage in this? Did he get up with the DCs in the night? Bring you a drink if you were thirsty? Take care of the other DCs while you looked after the baby? Offer to find a pharmacy for reflux meds? Anything?

gincamparidryvermouth · 05/09/2014 17:23

You haven't been nasty to anyone. Your DH is a bastard. I really hope he does go when you get home because I think your life would be a lot easier without him in it. Hats off to you for putting up with him for this long.
By the way, what does "it's just a bed" mean? Confused

iloverunning36 · 05/09/2014 17:24

I agree with PP he isn't going to leave to he is going to try and mentally break you down so that he has everything exactly the way he wants it and YOU are walking on eggshells to keep him happy. He sounds like a complete prick and I really hope you find the strength to get rid of him so that you and your kids can be with someone who treats you with respect.

LIZS · 05/09/2014 17:26

He sounds really nasty and you'd be well rid . However agree he is likely to be playing mind games with you and won't actually leave, just enjoy the power and manipulation :(. Get yourself some counselling and confidence building so you can kick him into touch. You won't recover while in this toxic environment.

CogitoErgoSometimes · 05/09/2014 17:26

BTW OP, if he is just posturing and trying to scare you by making idle threats, the answer is to make sure he follows through. Call his bluff. Whatever you're feeling internally, show the bully he doesn't frighten you and he loses all his power.

Only1scoop · 05/09/2014 17:27

He sounds manipulative and mean and you have done nothing wrong.

So what if you got a bit frustrated and upset in the car ....you are probably bloody shattered having been up half the night.

QuintessentiallyQS · 05/09/2014 17:28

Let him leave. Good riddance. This man is nasty.

iloverunning36 · 05/09/2014 17:29

Agree with cog, my husband kept threatening to end our relationship. It's only since I packed my bags and said I was going that his behaviour has significantly improved (not sure it's too little too late however my confidence is returning)

Only1scoop · 05/09/2014 17:31

Op have you ever called his bluff before when he is making his nasty threats to leave etc....?

F0ssil · 05/09/2014 17:31

agree with pp, he just wants you to tiptoe around him.

Tell him to go then. Bet you won't be that lucky.