I think it's over. I'm devastated

[MummySparkle]

We are driving back from a 2 week holiday. When we get home he has said he's leaving. I'm devastated. I have 6hrs to try and make this right

All I can say is to be honest and open about everything, including that you are at the end of your rope with him. Listen carefully to what he says as far as blaming you, excusing himself, 're-interpreting' events, and NOT accepting responsibility for his words and actions. Even if he comes through the conversation sounding contrite, watch him carefully for the next few weeks (assuming you decide to stay). Look for cracks in his facade, they usually can't keep up the 'happy, helpful, hubby' routine more than a week or so.

In the meantime, make alternate plans. Even if you think you want to 'try, try again', make an 'exit plan' just in case.

If it were not for the time lapse, I would think that you had got together with my XP and that you were now the unfortunate recipient of the Holidays From Hell.

Trying to map read whilst juggling a bf baby, making sandwiches for the 6 people in the car whilst XP refused to pull over and take a break, trying to pack for everyone whilst XP waited in the car because He Was Ready....
All this whilst being shouted at, belittled and patronised.
I also experienced the rally driving with the kids in the car.

I mention this, OP, because I didn't leave him. Oh no. I kept on in there hoping for his approval and love. Thinking that he was the only one for me, that things would change if only I could be patient and work harder at being his partner.

PAH!!!

I was utterly humiliated by the time I finally left him. I felt worthless and that no one would ever want me.

This of course was bollocks. I've had a far better quality of life since leaving him, my only regret is that I didn't do it years before I did.

OP get out of this relationship before your children start to believe that this prick's behaviour is normal, or even worse, that he is right in his criticisms of your.

You're getting the takeaway/unloading the car/driving the graveyard shift (on 4 hours sleep in 48hrs)/fetching the milk from the car/up much earlier than him. ... While he complains about your 'behaviour', that you've ruined the holiday' (which he later says was a wonderful holiday), complains that the house is 'already' a mess when he deigns to gets his sorry ass out of bed hours after you do in the morning.

OP he's a royal pain in the backside. I feel exhausted just hearing about his whining - and I haven't even read the first thread.

I remember comments like 'WTF the house is already a tip' and I wonder if you, like me, felt utterly and completely defeated and insulted and accused by that sort of abuse?

That sort of comment puts you in an impossible position you can't relax and enjoy the children, you can't be the sort of mother you might like to be, where a bit of mess goes with the territory no, you have clearly been told in that comment that you answer to him, that you are some sort of glorified housekeeper or nanny, and you do not have the autonomy you think you have as a parent.

And 'sorting the mess out' should be an indication to you of how this is going to go.

He doesn't want to accept that this is not strictly speaking a 'mess'. I think 'mess' implies that both parties have gone astray or made mistakes or there is some issue going on equally between the pair of you.

This is a problem caused by him. You are not in any way a contributor to this situation.

My guess is he is winding up for a Blame MummySparkle Fest.

We talked, we ate too much chinese, and we talked some more.

We have pinpointed where our relationship started to turn sour and why.

When I went back to work after DS, my DM looked after him 2 days a week. He always came back screaming and upset and hard to settle. She refused to listen to us about how we wanted him looked after and continued abuse him. In the end we paid for him to go to nursery so that he only had to spend one day with her. I caught her calling him stupid. To cut a long story short she was emotionally abusing him when she had him by herself, and we let it happen. I kept trying to talk to her, I kept hoping she would listen and change, but I wasn't strong enough to stand up to her. OH really tried to talk to her but he couldn't make her see sense either.

OH has been angry ever since then. At himself, at me and most of all at her. I an angry at her too. I should cut ties, but I love my stepdad and elderly grandma and I want then to be a part of my life still. It consumes OH, he thinks about it daily. He has tried to talk to me about his anger before, but I didn't understand how much bit was affecting him.

He has agreed to get some Helpto work through the anger. He also agreed that he has been horrible to me and he wants to change, wants me to tell him every time he pits me down. And ha has agreed to do more around the house and to be a better partner.

I rely want to believe him. I have agreed to let him stay and work through things together, but any more. Making me fellow crap he has to go.

I feel a lot more positive.abd he apologised for yesterday.

wants me to tell him every time he pits me down.

A typical piece of crap. You are not his mother or his teacher. You are not responsible for telling him every time. It is his responsibility not to ever put you down. He is shifting responsibility for the putting down onto you. Now you are to police him.

If somebody said to you 'I want you to tell me every time I hit you over the head with this frying pan' but didn't put the frying pan down and hit you over the head with it, what would you be thinking?

'He has been angry since then'

So now he blames your mother for his behaviour....

Was your relationship good prior to this problem with ds childcare?

Please don't lower yourself to 'pointing out' to him whenever he puts you down.

Well.... you seem happy enough now after your Chinese and chat.

And you've 'let him stay' well as you said in previous post he wasn't going to go anyway was he.... 'Nowhere to go'

Take care Op and don't settle for this miserable existence anymore.

eh , what happened to the need for space to clear your head? I have agreed. He seemed shocked earlier that I stood up for myself. I am going to continue to stand up for myself. If I can stand up for myself and be happy and stay with him then I will. But I want a few days space to clear my head.

Agree with pp it will always be someone else's fault, your dm, yours , your dc .... never his responsibility. But his issues , anger related and more, are his to deal with . Empty promises cost nothing and while he has you right where he wants you , why should he make any effort to change ?

Like others, I think you've been given just enough soft soap and flannel to keep you in the relationship. I also don't like that he's set you up now as the 'policeman' on his temper because it's really not your responsibility. Being 'angry at himself' is irrelevant if it's you that gets it in the neck. What concerns me is that his behaviour is so poor, and you are so conditioned to it, that you will end up tolerating stuff that is not acceptable.

However, I'm glad you stood up to him and called his bluff. I'm glad you were assertive with the bully - even if you didn't make him follow through. A man with 'nowhere to go' only threatens to leave if he thinks you're too weak or too frightened to make it happen...

If you're sticking you have to apply zero tolerance from now on. Slightest transgression and, if you don't show him the door, he'll be worse than ever

Wishing you well OP. You sound so much stronger than in your previous posts, and very clear now about what it acceptable or not in your relationship.

MN will always be here, and there is good advice on here daily to keep you focused and strong. Keep reading, and be aware of the danger signs so that you can react quickly and clearly.

I am aware that many abusers promise to change but have no intention of doing so, once they are sure you have stayed. However, by identifying one specific issue, your dh has given himself a way forward - if his anger does genuinely stem from that time then he can deal with his feelings over your son's childcare, and move forward from that time. If the problem is bigger then you will know.

In the meantime, keep on working on your self esteem, and on the impact that your upbringing has had on you. Know that you are worth so much more than your mother led you to believe. You are a unique, special, amazing woman, who deserves to be happy and to be treated, and spoken to, as an equal partner in your home, with respect and love. And you do not have to live with less.

I could have written your post.

7 years ago my ex, father to dc1, used to belittle me. He used to complain about cleaning and gripe constantly. Our relationship became physically abusive on both sides. I felt suicidal as baby would be screaming and ex would be following me around, muttering about what a dumb bitch I was who couldn't clean properly. I would push him away and throw things at him. I hated myself for reacting that way.
He tried to tell me it was my mother too! My mother who helped me with my first baby.
When baby was eight months he kicked me out. I left. I never went back. Later I realised he kicked me out as part of his controlling game.

He's still abusive during handovers.

I am now with a loving man who is making me toast while I mumsnet. I have young children with him and my first child is thriving.

I am happy.

So he had no where else to live, refuses to take responsibility for his own bullying behaviour and managed to find a reason that keeps a roof over his head and lets him off the hook. Even better than that, he's got you to agree to take responsibility for his future bullying.

And if you point out that he's being unreasonable he'll say it's your fault for not having said anything.

I am going to hold him to his promise to get help.

And I am going to bring him up every time he puts me down, because I need him to realise when he's doing it. He is going to do his best.

I feel in control of the relationship now.

Before everything with my not DM our relationship was wonderful. It happened around when I got pregnant with DD, so I always sort of assumed that DD was the catalyst. So actually it's refreshing to hear that it was actually my mum.

I am going to keep a very close watch on him for the next few months. And we need to work out a strategy to confront my mother. I think that's a thread in itself

Why do you need to confront your dm ? Be careful because if you do so and he doesn't keep to his word you could end up even more isolated and vulnerable. If she is no longer doing childcare hasn't that issue been resolved ? Still sounds like he is deflecting blame here . I hope he reacts well when you point out the next time he belittles or bullies you . Has he offered to help out more with house and children, even give you more support ?

Agree strongly with Pp

Sounds like he blames and deflects and even gets you roped in to be responsible for limiting his disrespectful bullying behaviour.

Air on the side of extreme caution with 'confronting' your dm at this time. It's clear you have issues with her but I would avoid him deflecting most of this onto her.

Work on building your own confidence in and out of your relationship and your own self esteem.

Hope he Is living up to his word and you are resting today and he is shifting his lazy arse.

Remember it's not him 'helping out' its about him just simply being a father and partner....sharing housework cooking ....childcare etc as equals.

Hope you will be ok

It wasn't your mum. He is just looking for something to take the attention away from him and his behaviour, and it's worked hasn't it? You are no longer expecting him to get a grip of himself, and instead you are going to confront your mother.

Re-read my last post.

Don't let down your guard.

I wish so much you could somehow see what an abusive relationship you're in. I've read through both threads and your husband is a bully.
Of course, you'll never see this, because you think you need him. That's understandable when you have such a young dd and another child to look after.
It's a shame to think it's either going to take something truly horrendous and shocking for you to see what he is like or that you will spend the rest of your life being put down and bullied by a man who convinces you that it's your fault he acts the way he does.
He acts the way he does because he is nasty and doesn't respect you OP. He doesn't remotely understand what it is to be a mother of a new baby and has no interest in sympathising with you.
How do you cope? I needed a rock when I had my dd, I was truly horrendous to be around. Lack of sleep, hormones, stress, worry of being a good mum and I took it all out on dp who took it and supported me because he loved his family (and I only had one child!)
Honestly don't know how you can physically and mentally deal with this on top of a new born.
I wish you could see.

Christ, this bloke is good isn't he ?

Sending you my thoughts Mummysparkle - what I have realised and been told countless times over my long journey with abuse is that there never is an excuse for it.

And there really isn't. You dealt with the problems if your DM looking after your baby at the time by getting a nursery sorted out so why would he have any reason to be angry with you?

Christ I've heard so many reasons and explanations for being treated horribly - usually work stress. But think about it - you were the one who was being completed harassed by screaming babies and badly treated by your husband at the same time - surely by his book that's a justifiable reason for you to become really abusive towards him? You could refuse to do anything for him in the home, laugh in his face, belittle him, drive like a maniac, slag him off to your DC in front of him 'omg guys your dad is such a prick!'...

But you wouldn't - because you are a nice person, because you try and fix things when they 'go wrong' and not make them worse! And he knows that.

I'm sorry Mummysparkle but I don't buy it like most others here.

Just keep wary of him

So he has been 'horrible' to you because of something your mother did in the past (how long ago?) Does your mother live with you? Is the problem with your mother something that affects your day-to-day life? What has his anger towards your mother got to do with his criticism of your cleaning? Pull the other one. I am angry on your behalf.

Your mother was emotionally abusive to your son, and your husband was so distressed by it that he was emotionally abusive to you.

Does that sound reasonable to you?

Your ds is 18 months old, and dd is 9 weeks, so his awful behaviour goes back just 9 weeks or so, and before that he was loving, supportive and kind?

It happened around when I got pregnant with DD, so I always sort of assumed that DD was the catalyst. So actually it's refreshing to hear that it was actually my mum.

It was because he can't deal with your attention focused elsewhere, MummySparkle, nothing at all to do with your mum or his deep concern for DS. Just plain jealousy, along with a sense of being entitled to your complete attention 100% of the time, and all of the failure to grow up that serves as background to that.

You are not going to succeed in keeping him on the straight and narrow because (1) you are falling over yourself trying to find acceptable reasons for his hostility and abuse of you and you are going to make excuses for him over and over again, or accept whatever story he spins you. First you thought it was your DD, now it is your mum. He knows your mum is a horrible woman. He knows you will swallow this effort of his hook, line and sinker.
And because (2), he knows he is putting you down. He doesn't need anyone to point that out.

After your chat, he is the one who is totally in control of this relationship just as he always has been. He hasn't been thrown out. He has confirmed that your weak spot is your relationship with your mother. He knows you have nobody to really count on. He has you where he wants you.

Abuse so often starts or escalates during pregnancy.

Your P is a classic example of abuser and manipulator.