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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I think it's over. I'm devastated

126 replies

MummySparkle · 05/09/2014 15:40

We are driving back from a 2 week holiday. When we get home he has said he's leaving. I'm devastated. I have 6hrs to try and make this right

OP posts:
F0ssil · 07/09/2014 19:53

you have to tell him when he's abusive??

F0ssil · 07/09/2014 19:56

I totally agree with everything Math, Cogito and also cutteduppear are saying. My x was vile to me literally from within ten days of my dc1's birth. While I was pregnant he had just lost his temper and thrown things. "just".

What he has said is just flannel. He shouldn't need guidance to treat you civilly, like an equal. It's your responsibility to point out to him when he's not treating you well. That seems to suggest that you have a very high bar, and that that high bar of yours is outside the realms of how well a reasonable woman could expect to be treated by a reasonable man, so in fact, it couldn't possibly be obvious to him could it, he will need to have this 'unreasonably' high level of treatment that you expect pointed OUT TO HIM Confused

F0ssil · 07/09/2014 19:57

"It's not your responsibility to point out to him when he's not treating you well" I mean. His bad behaviour is his own responsibility.

thenamehaschanged · 07/09/2014 20:32

Yes agree too - h started silent treatment punishments with me often for a week or so at a time, 10 days after I had dd1 - when you are at your most vulnerable and in need of love and support :( Angry

I too believed the excuses, so much so that I went on to have dd2 with him.

By the way there's no 'telling' them that what they are doing is abuse when in the heat of what they believe is a two way, justifiable argument. You would need to be stamped into the corner first and then wait for him to do the introspective act to have your chance to call him up on his behaviour.

You've taken another knockdown and he can say whatever he likes - will probably blame you and that will be it, the cycle starts again. Keep repeating that cycle until you realise that you're not sure you'll be able to pick yourself up again.

Twinklestein · 07/09/2014 20:45

So he's been abusing you because your mother abused your kid? Do you not see how mad and illogical that is?

If you do point out every time he puts you down he will get worse rather than better. He wants to carry on abusing you in peace. He most certainly doesn't want attention drawn to the fact that he's an arsehole.

HeySoulSister · 07/09/2014 20:56

This is one of those threads.... Op won't listen

CogitoErgoSometimes · 07/09/2014 21:21

Be kind people. OP is the knackered mum to a new baby, their confidence is zero and they're desperate to hold their family together. He's thrown a pretty shabby lifeline and the OP has rationalised it as evidence of progress because it's a less stressful option than to 'LTB' or challenge the bully. That's pretty normal in the circumstances and not a reason for reproach

OP I hope you are still reading the thread. You may not feel strong enough today to do something drastic to improve your life immediately but please keep your thread & remember how devastated he made you feel with his casual cruelty.

F0ssil · 07/09/2014 21:35

Yes, I left my sobx once and then foolishly went back to him. Believed all the flannel. It takes a few goes round on the hamster wheel going nowhere before the denial is pierced...

F0ssil · 07/09/2014 21:38

And it may frustrate posters that they're not being listened to. AS somebody who's been in OP's shoes, I think that our posts will inevitably fast forward the process. The eventual realisation that the situation is hopeless is reached quicker than if the OP didn't post at all. So imo (although not my place to speak for OP) the advice isn't wasted just because it doesn't garner (?) and immediate action.

Frogisatwat · 07/09/2014 21:52

Ah so op.. your partner has been a dick and you are now going to confront your mum.?
Go you! Hmm

F0ssil · 07/09/2014 22:54

please read this opening post mummysparkle

AcrossthePond55 · 08/09/2014 01:57

People in abusive relationships have to reach the point of realization in their own time. Mummy just isn't there yet. She's getting there, but is at the 'we can work it out, he will change' stage. Time will show her that 99.9% of the time they don't change.

I've been there and my friends were extremely frustrated with me at times because I just didn't see what they saw. I did eventually. So will Mummysparkles.

Original poster
MummySparkle · 08/09/2014 11:09

We started bickering more and more since I was pregnant with DD, so almost a year. DD is 3 months now, DS is 19 and a half months.

The stuff with my mother happened between September last year and I guess June this year when I started maternity leave. It was worst around January / February time, after that we added another day at nursery so that DM only had him once a week.

We all say down with MIL last night and talked through everything. She is lovely and, although OH's partner she is quite impartial and actually more likely to side with me. We talked about the bickering, that I'd asked OH to leave, about his anger, and about mum's issues.

We are all in agreement that my narcissistic mother is trying to break us up. She has emotionally abused me all of my life, and she hates that she is losing control over me - she has previously screamed at OH that she was 'losing me to him'. She is jealous that I am in a relationship and wants us to break up and for me to be a single mum like she was. She is never happy for me, always envious, always trying to ruin things for me.

Yes OH and I have argued lots recently, and he hasn't been very nice, neither of us have been nice to be fair. I have screamed at him over trivial things too. My autistic traits mean that I constantly correct things he says which frustrates him no end.

He has been lovely today and yesterday. I know it's early days since we argued, and I am going to keep a close eye on him. I think we had fallen into a rut of arguments as our way of coping with two young children, and the pressures of work and family.

We both need to be nicer to each other. Him more so than me, but I am not perfect either.

I've spent the last day or so researching about childhood emotional abuse and narcissistic mothers, and it describes my mum exactly. It's horrible and upsetting, but I need to face up to it and put a stop to it before she wrecks even more of my life and before she abuses my DCs again. Particularly DD as she looks just like me.

It's all horrible. I feel crap about it all. But OH and I are okay. I will not tolerate any anger from him or put-downs. But we will get through this together.

OP posts:
Original poster
MummySparkle · 08/09/2014 11:18

I've just seen some more posts since I started writing mine.

I am reading every piece of advice and taking it in. I have huge amounts of things going on at the moment, and I am trying very hard to work through the confusion. To those of you taking the time to write helpful replies and share with me your stories I thank you very very much.

To those of you who are just posting to say 'I won't listen' or that I'm being ridiculous to stay with OH. Please realise that what you say is actually quite hurtful.

I have come here for support and as a place to try and work out all of the confusion by writing g things down.

I do no wish to be made to feel silly here too. Do you not think I have enough of that elsewhere?

OP posts:
Bambamboom · 08/09/2014 11:20

... Hmm

Bambamboom · 08/09/2014 11:23

Well...good luck OP.
I hope you find a resolve. Sounds like you have to sort through DM issues for yourself although I still am a tad confused as to how that would logically have anything to do with how your DH treats you, but looks like you've figured that's the route of the problem, somehow.
Take a visit to stately homes thread maybe?
Hope things get easier and better soon.

Only1scoop · 08/09/2014 11:29

You can always post here Op....I think some of us who have been in abusive relationships see clearly signs that would worry us. I hope you manage to work through things and decide what is happiest for you and your dc. All this going on amidst two very young children can't be easy. Please don't forget in all this that you as an individual are important and your health and mental well being is paramount for you as a parent. You sound a little stronger.

Thinking of you

Original poster
MummySparkle · 08/09/2014 11:42

Thank you only1scoop I do feel stronger, tired, but stronger. I have browsed the stately homes thread, I shall post on there at some point.

My relationship with OH May not be perfect. But we have both agreed to work harder to make each other happy. We have started afresh from today and I am going to see him long it lasts. I sincerely hope that we will make it together, but If he does start to make me feel bad again then I will seriously consider leaving with the DCs. Whatever happens I will not let them be emotionally abuses by anyone

OP posts:
Vivacia · 08/09/2014 12:02

But we have both agreed to work harder to make each other happy.

I think our main concern is that he hasn't. He's not agreed to keep his temper or stop making digs or stop making you feel bad. He's got you to agree to police his behaviour and take responsibility for his behaviour by having to point out when he shouts or is unkind!

Original poster
MummySparkle · 08/09/2014 12:41

He has agreed to keep his temper, and to stop making digs and making me feel bad. But if he does make a dig then has asked me to pull him up on it straight away. So far I haven't had to.

OP posts:
Twinklestein · 08/09/2014 13:07

You realise he won't 'keep his temper' 'stop making digs' & 'making you feel bad'?

Really OP you need to be researching two forms of abuse: narcissistic mothers and childhood emotional abuse; narcissistic partners and emotional abuse within intimate relationships.

Your mother has not caused your husband to be abusive, but by normalising abuse, it has caused you to tolerate & accept your husband's behaviour.

Vivacia · 08/09/2014 13:17

Well, in that case it sounds like a plan OP and I can understand the desire to give him and the relationship one more chance. If it doesn't work out, at least you can say that you really tried.

F0ssil · 08/09/2014 16:14

mummysparkle, when you've time, have a look at those ross rosenberg talks on youtube.

mathanxiety · 08/09/2014 17:42

If it's so easy for him to keep his temper and accept your word for it that he has made a dig, how come he couldn't do that in the past?

You are not crediting him with much intelligence here if you think he honestly can't tell that he is hurting you when he chooses to verbally abuse you, order you around, insult you, etc.

Also, when children witness the abuse of their mother they are being abused.

Original poster
MummySparkle · 08/09/2014 19:45

They are on my to do list f0ssil thank you. However, finding a time when the children are occupied and OH isn't around is tricky!! DD and I are going on a 2hr drive on Saturday, so I might set them to play through the car then.

Also, when children witness the abuse of their mother they are being abused.

You're right there. It's one I hadn't really thought about, but it's true. DS is a sensitive and caring little soul, I'd hate for that to change.

I think right now I have to give it time. I'll give it a week and see how things are going. Then take it week-by-week from there.

I'm taking lots of steps to up my confidence. I've just started running again to get rid of my 'mum-tum' because it's getting me down. And I'm about to order some more textbooks so I can finish the course I'm doing. This summer has been a big turning point for me. I've worn short-sleeves the whole time and not been afraid to have my SH scars on show. I hate them and I'm by no means proud of them, but they are no longer red and angry looking, not that they'll ever go away, but I don't care what people think anymore. And I've been pleasantly surprised that I haven't caught many people looking either!

OP posts: