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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I think it's over. I'm devastated

126 replies

MummySparkle · 05/09/2014 15:40

We are driving back from a 2 week holiday. When we get home he has said he's leaving. I'm devastated. I have 6hrs to try and make this right

OP posts:
Only1scoop · 06/09/2014 10:32

Op you take charge of the situation....

This life will only get more miserable

Original poster
MummySparkle · 06/09/2014 10:33

"Cor, what the hell happened down here? It's a mess already. F**king hell."

Sad
OP posts:
Vivacia · 06/09/2014 10:37

"Don't worry, you won't be looking at it for long".

Only1scoop · 06/09/2014 10:37

Stay calm just ask him to curb his language.

Please stick to your guns Op ....get his disrespectful useless ass out of the house. When he has gone it can be made a happy 'home'.

Original poster
MummySparkle · 06/09/2014 11:31

Oh god I don't know what to say. Just unloaded the car. Apparently I have to unload all of the stuff in the back so that he can get ready for work... I need to leave for work before he does

OP posts:
Only1scoop · 06/09/2014 11:39

Well I'd leave his stuff in there for a start.

CogitoErgoSometimes · 06/09/2014 12:12

Say 'no'. You're allowed to say 'no'.

Vivacia · 06/09/2014 12:13

I thought you were breaking up with him??

F0ssil · 06/09/2014 12:33

Life is easier without this type of man. That I can promise you.

Frogisatwat · 06/09/2014 12:42

Are you the lady who had trouble with the locked door/being locked in ?

Humansatnav · 06/09/2014 12:57

Please get away from this abusive arsehole.

Batmam · 06/09/2014 17:24

Thinking about you OP, how are things?

AttilaTheMeerkat · 06/09/2014 17:32

"My mum was similar, I spent my entire childhood being told I was 'stupid' by her (despite being a straight A student and a damn site cleverer than she is) And most years I got told that I 'ruined Christmas' it's hard to change the habits of a lifetime!"

But you must change the habits of a lifetime and unlearn all the crap you were yourself taught about relationships along with way. You were abused in childhood and abusive men like this one honed in on you deliberately.

I would seek counselling and enrol on Womens Aid Freedom Programme asap.

Your mother's own crap example of parenting would have led you into the arms of an abuser like this man is towards you. She set you up good and proper to be within an abusive relationship yourself. I sincerely hope you are in no contact with this woman.

And I sincerely hope too that this awful man has now left.

F0ssil · 06/09/2014 17:37

OP, watch Ross Rosenberg's series of lectures on youtube. They are amazing and will explain to you why you think you are devastated that an emotional manipulator is threatening to let you go.

wfielder · 06/09/2014 18:29

OP, you said that you pulled into the drive after the holiday.

I hope that you didn't do all the driving.

He sounds extremely entitled and somewhat ridiculous.

Quitelikely · 06/09/2014 18:44

I feel so sorry for you. He is never going to give you your happy ending. I know and understand why your hanging on though. It takes time for it all to sink in. The harsh reality that separation is inevitable, the kids will grow up without both parents. I know, I know I've been there.

You will stop on the roundabout for as long as you can tolerate it. In the end you will realise the pattern repeats, repeats & repeats itself.

Honestly I think he's a nasty bastard. Please advise him that if he wants to stay with you and the dc he actually has to offer practical support in the form of being a father to the dc and a decent housemate.

If you love him still at least accept that he must respect you and not treat you like a nanny, cook & cleaner.

You are much more than that. Just know it. You are worth so much more.

mathanxiety · 06/09/2014 20:09

You do not have to go through life with a heckler instead of a partner.

You do not have to clear out the car.

Original poster
MummySparkle · 06/09/2014 20:29

Wow, so many posts - thank you all very much for taking the time.

I did the last third of the driving, from midnight til 2am after OH had taken his medication.

We unloaded the car together. And once the stuff was in I told him not to bother unpacking his bag ad he said yesterday he wanted me out of his life and he wanted to leave.

I explained that he was making me unhappy, that me being unhappy was affecting the DCs, that I feel bullied and constantly put down by him. I expected an argument, but he did eventually agree with me. I told him that I can not carry on like this and our relationship is not healthy.

He was a little bit shocked. Said he thought we'd had a lovely holiday together. Which we had, aside for him making me feel bad unnecessarily so I couldn't enjoy it.

It was hard. I wanted to burst into tears, but I held myself together. My eyes watered, but usually I choke up when having a heart-to-heart so I'm proud of myself.

We both had to go out. He didn't agree to go as he has nowhere to go (which is true).

I've been out with my family today. Yes with my mother, but because my wonderful aunt and uncle fly back to Qatar tomorrow and I won't see them again until Christmas :(

OH sent me a message earlier:

Iv been thinking all day about what you said this morning and want to talk to you about it tonight. How about getting a takeaway and sorting this mess out?

I have agreed. He seemed shocked earlier that I stood up for myself. I am going to continue to stand up for myself. If I can stand up for myself and be happy and stay with him then I will. But I want a few days space to clear my head.

I'm collecting takeaway at the moment ready to go home.

I will not back down

I will not be a doormat

If I say it enough I might believe it

OP posts:
Vivacia · 06/09/2014 20:32

What outcome do you want OP?

MrsMinton · 06/09/2014 20:34

You've said it once. You can say it again. Keep being brave as you don't deserve this behaviour from him.

FinnsMum19 · 06/09/2014 20:43

Sounds like DH might just have had the kick up the arse he needs! Good luck OP, don't take any shit from him, talk things through and hopefully things will work out for you x

mathanxiety · 06/09/2014 21:27

He was a little bit shocked. Said he thought we'd had a lovely holiday together.

I had exactly this. Word for word almost.
That was after the holiday when he sneered at my packing, sulked for two days over me not wanting black flies on my food and the tantrum over the map.

exH also wanted to work on things.
Note he is now 'exH'.

My one regret is that it took me so long to finally understand that all he wanted out of our relationship was easy availability of a whipping boy, and that that whipping boy was me.

mathanxiety · 06/09/2014 21:28

Please contact Women's Aid and enroll in the Freedom Programme.

scallopsrgreat · 06/09/2014 21:48

Sparkle he won't change. Well he might for a few days/week/month. But the abuse will return.

Again

and again.

Google the cycle of abuse if you have any doubts.

I don't think you are ready to listen to the wise posters on this thread. You are still holding out for some kind of miracle. Still hoping you'll get the life he sometimes promises.

When you are ready though, you know where to come.

And remember MummyBeerest's post at 01:09. That is who you are, not what he tells you Thanks.

F0ssil · 06/09/2014 21:54

I agree with mathanxiety. I left my EA x. Then I returned (gah!) when he promised to change and promised the sun moon and stars. Later of course I figured out he was only saying what he knew I wanted to hear.

The situation as it was suited him brilliantly. Being an asshole to me was a great coping mechanism for him.

OP, please don't feel that you owe it to him to give him chance after chance after chance. I know you're going to have that takeaway and your optimism and your denial will make you hope that he will meet you half way 'sorting the mess out'.

Despite the fact that my x told me repeatedly 'shape up or ship out', when I did finally leave him (the second time) he later told my mother in a whiny voice that he'd "done nothing wrong" Sad and he believes that.