I think it's over. I'm devastated

[MummySparkle]

We are driving back from a 2 week holiday. When we get home he has said he's leaving. I'm devastated. I have 6hrs to try and make this right

He seems completely incapable of seeing things from your perspective. Extremely un-supportive. Why doesnt this give you the incentive to leave him? Just sounds like hes an extra stress in your life, where hes supposed to make it easier... What will you lose if he leaves you?

I think you will be well rid tbh.
But that's easy for me to say of course.
I would call his bluff.
Say "ok bye then"

You haven't been mean to people. You had a toddler and a baby to deal with, had been up half the night, and you got in a state. Like a large percentage of women with small children do if they have no one to help. What did he do to actually help you at this point. Let me guess - bugger all?

I suggest when you get home remind him that he is leaving and act incredulous if he tries to pretend he's "forgiven you." Stand your ground and say "Go on then - piss off. You think I won't cope without you? Life'll be a hell of a lot easier without your crap to deal with and you never lifting a finger to help."

And my husband sounds a lot like yours in the following ways - always trying to get money off stuff, says horrible stuff then acts like nothing has happened, tells me I have ruined things for everyone even when it's him that has been out of order and I have merely stood up to him, high standards of housekeeping but does bugger all around the house, accuses me of making him feel like he is walking on eggshells, makes me laugh a lot when he is in a good humour

You're doing what you did on the last thread - not responding to what people are saying other than to berate yourself. People here are worried for you. They are on your side. You need to have some of that same concern for yourself.

It's hard to believe that I might be in the right I guess. My mum was similar, I spent my entire childhood being told I was 'stupid' by her (despite being a straight A student and a damn site cleverer than she is) And most years I got told that I 'ruined Christmas' it's hard to change the habits of a lifetime!

I apologised for my outburst in the car in a very simple and matter of fact way because I shouldn't really have shouted. I thought it might open the way for him to apologise but he didn't say anything.

I shall see how things are in the morning. Next time we argue I will ask him to leave. And I will make him follow through. I hope a break will change things a bit.

It's such a shame, because I do love him. 95% of the time we have such fun. But maybe that's the 95% that I feel okay and get on with everything without askingfkr help from him / feeling frazzled.

He can't help at night because of his medication. But he doesn't help in the day either. And no he never offers to try and calm DD, or buy medication for her, or bring me a drink. Yet I would do those things for him. In fact I end up finding inhalers for him every bedtime because he can't be bothered to get them himself.

I need to stand up to him.

Gosh I am so sorry for you MummySparkle, I know exactly what you are going through :(

he will never, ever change, you are doing absolutely nothing wrong, you sound like a fantastic, caring mother.

Don't think what you can do to fix anything, you can't, just don't say anything, hopefully he will go when you all get back, and then you can change the locks, call women's aid and get yourself a solicitor.

Bastard

We're renting, so I can't change locks or anything. Most of the time he is quite a resonance person so I would hope I needn't be so drastic. I'm going to look into women's aid

I did this for years... "Next time I'll leave..."

Well I'm not one to tell you what to do as I'm in the same boat, just a bit further down the road

Your post struck a chord with me though as I remember going through similar with a screaming baby to deal with and a H who was taking pleasure in the stressful situation and using it to his advantage to be even more abusive :(

I appreciate you can't change the locks, and I bet you don't really fancy a refuge either with babies so small - it might all feel melodramatic or you feel trapped or whatever and this episode will be swept under the carpet for a while until the next one.

All I'm saying is my DC are 6 and 8 now and things never changed, they have got worse with the good times becoming fewer and fewer until they stopped altogether.

I can get emotional when looking back at photos of my girls as babies because it was all miserable and abusive. He robbed me of being able to look back with happiness.

I've been to a solicitor now though and at least I'm getting out while they and I are still young enough to have a future - just don't leave things too long if you can - his behaviour is wrong wrong wrong and you deserve better

Thank you thenamehaschanged I know you're probably right, that the good times will he less for us too. I don't really want to believe it's true.

We're not married yet. Have been engaged for a year and a half, no wedding date yet. We didn't set a date originally because DS was due a month after, and then OH's anxiety flared up. I'm starting to wonder whether the anxiety is just a cover for him not actually wanting a wedding.

It would be relatively easy to change it all. The only headache would be changing benefits into my name and closing the joint account. My landlady is lovely and we rent privately so that won't be a major deal. Actually the housing benefit might be a nightmare, but I guess it's do-able.

But I do love him. And I'd miss our dog :(

I just read your previous thread.

You sound like a kind and loving person. You deserve someone who will treat you and your DC the same.

It sounds like you've made it through a lot of hard times and come out stronger for it. I have no doubt you can do it again.

Just wondering what kind of locks you have sparkle is it Yale type or cylinder type, I know when you don't realise how easy it is to change the barrel you imagine a massive job, can't be done, etc...but having been there... it's often a ten minute job and £10 in b&q which can easily be put back for landlord or once dh(ead) thinks they've been changed...honestly you just need a screwdriver.

notsobold last time the locks had to be changed (because they were sticking) the entire door got stuck and we had to have a new front door!!! But yes they are the barrel type so should be easy to swap. (The joys of living in an old and badly-built cottage)

Thank you for your kind words mummybeerest

I've been looking into other housing, I think I'd move to somewhere closer to where I work. OH's business is here, but I don't need to be. I have lots of friends & colleagues nearer work too do that would be okay. Shame it's not a great area, but it does mean things are cheaper!

We got home about an hour ago. DS woke up as I pulled in and it took a while to settle him. And OH wasn't at all helpful - got straight into bed and refused to get the milk out if the car fir DS, so I had to leave both DCs fussing whilst I went back out to get it. Individually that's not a big deal, but it's just so many silly little things like that. Things that actually wouldn't affect him that much but would make my life so much easier.

Tomorrow I going to try and write down a list of things I want to say to him and then have a long talk about everything probably Sunday. At the moment he is making me unhappy, and it's not fair to the family to carry on like this.

DD had just fallen asleep in my arms so I'm going to try and get some rest. Think I've only had 4 hrs sleep in the last 45hrs... And the caffeine I had on the drive will probably keep me awake...

God's nightgown! He sounds like a spoiled little prick child!

Lovey, you must just be so tired. No wonder you get upset! You have two young children and a big baby to deal with!

You need peace and I think you aren't going to get it with him. I know it may sound scary, the idea of being on your own, but in the long run you will be much better off.

So in the car he said when you got home he's leaving you and then when you did get home he just went to bed instead?

What a horrible, selfish man. Get some sleep before you confront him tomorrow. Things will never get better you have to break this cycle ??????

I really don't understand what good you think talking to him is going to do.

He is not one bit reasonable. If he was, you wouldn't be writing a list of 'things I want to say to him'...

Please don't 'have a long talk about everything'. If you do this you are handing yourself to him on a plate to guilt, abuse, manipulate, accuse, blame, rage, sulk at, etc. Don't talk with him. Don't give him a warning. Don't make any ultimatums.

Just go and talk with Women's Aid all nice and quietly by yourself, get strong and make plans for life without him dragging you down and undermining you in front of the children. It is really important that you get all this under way soon and don't let the grass grow under your feet because the children are taking every single detail of this in and they are going to be horribly conflicted by it.

Then in a few short weeks, give him the bum's rush.

Just do it. No warning. No talking.

All I'm saying is my DC are 6 and 8 now and things never changed, they have got worse with the good times becoming fewer and fewer until they stopped altogether.

I can get emotional when looking back at photos of my girls as babies because it was all miserable and abusive. He robbed me of being able to look back with happiness.

This^^
I also had some really shitty holidays with exH, and nothing got better.

I look at the photos of three, four and then five lovely children, well turned out, with their buckets and spades and swimming armbands, and remember the feeling that nothing I did was ever good enough for him, and the constant pressure I felt, and the anxiety, and how it sucked the life out of me year after year.

I remember being sneered at as he went through the suitcase -- apparently what I had packed for the two of us and two small children and a baby was ridiculous and he could have done a far better job (but he never, ever did anything like lending a hand with packing because it was so far beneath him), I remember having a wet nappy thrown at me because I hadn't been able to get up in time for 7 am breakfast with the exILs after an eight hour drive the day before spent juggling screaming DD3 on my knee and trying to entertain her in her carseat followed by being woken by her five times that night and then kept awake by his godawful snoring, I remember he didn't talk to me for two days because I took my BBQ meal into our holiday cabin as I couldn't stand the swarms of black biting flies that got all over eveyone's food, and the tantrum he pitched in the car when he thought we were irretrievably lost on a peninsula with one road in and out, that was about eight miles long and two miles wide, grabbing the map, cursing and swearing..

Don't 'hang in there'. Stop the madness before it does any more damage.

Sorry you're going to wait for 'next time'. Reading your original post again.... you were 'devastated' and desperately looking for ways to fix things. How do you feel about someone who threatened your whole world, was prepared to make you feel worthless and then, just a few hours later, go to bed like nothing happened? Aren't you angry?

'Were not married yet'

I can't help but think if he asked you to marry him today you'd say yes.

Very sad situation and I don't think you sound like you will leave him. Certainly not in the near future.

What are you waiting to happen? For things to get worse?

Sweetie, I have outbursts like that in stressfull situations "I can't cope with this, I'm fed up with everyone etc etc" my dh listens and sympathises and takes over to allow me to calm down.
Your dp doesn't help and then gets annoyed with you when you struggle to cope.
Try to imagine your life without him.
Peaceful and calm with no judging or expectations to meet.
No fear of doing stuff wrong, no criticism.
A life of smiles and happiness with your children, of choices and decisions that are all yours to make.
A few months of feeling sad and upset are nothing compared to that surely?

So he can't get up,in the night won't help in the day - what exactly since doing ? Was he saying these things whilst the toddler was listening. I think you need him to go, yes it will be hard at first but you're doing it on your own anyway.

cog

Actually I think I might be angry. His mum is coming in a few minutes to collect DS for the day. Once com she has gone I am going to remind OH of his intention to leave and tell him that as his bag is already packed then now would be a good time to go.

I can hear him getting dressed upstairs. As usual I've been up for hours with the DCs...

But do you mean it or are you still hoping he will change?
Cos he won't.