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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Work Stress? Err don't think so mate!

999 replies

thenamehaschanged · 02/09/2014 18:49

I can't copy and paste a link rather annoyingly - but this is my follow on thread from my original How far can he take the stressed from work excuse?

It burst at the seams with all the fantastic MN support I received and so I have started a new one as I carry on my journey of divorcing my very abusive husband.

Thanks
OP posts:
thenamehaschanged · 23/09/2014 13:56

Text galore time. Does he respond to this, have I really logged it at court, where's he supposed to live, he's in hell, Name don't do this....

My solicitor's going to phone me at 3.

OP posts:
Barbie1 · 23/09/2014 13:57

The biggest congratulations! This is the first day of your new life...

Keep a log of all the calls and text and do involve the police if need be.

Super happy for you Smile

PoppyField · 23/09/2014 14:01

Well done name. Been following your thread. You are now setting the agenda and doing brilliantly. It will be such a relief not to be living with him. I'm betting you won't miss him AT ALL. I'm really happy for you and keep on going...

SilenceOfTheSAHMs · 23/09/2014 14:07
thenamehaschanged · 23/09/2014 14:08

Thank you, I know, I'm just a bit freaked right now! Wish the police would call me back

OP posts:
ninawish · 23/09/2014 14:11

absolutely fantastic news! here is to your future

Have you got plans to stay safe tonight?

Adarajames · 23/09/2014 14:12

Try deep breathing and stay calm, you're doing really well, have a nice Brew and hopefully by time you've done that police will have called back. We're all here rooting for you x

Futurebird · 23/09/2014 14:15

Defo call the police again. Just say you're not sure how safe you are etc. xx

oldgrandmama · 23/09/2014 14:17

Yes, do what Futurebird suggests - emphasise the 'not sure about safety' aspect.

FunkyBoldRibena · 23/09/2014 14:18

Log it all, and have a cup of tea and a sit down Name. Well done. x

Ilovefluffysheep · 23/09/2014 14:25

Name, I'm a police officer. Definitely phone the police back. I would imagine your force has a specialist domestic abuse unit, see if there is anyone you can speak to from there.

If your husband does need to come home to collect clothes etc, then you can actually ask the police to be present during this if you are concerned about your safety, or even just to prevent what is called a breach of the peace. This may not be done that quickly - obviously the police are busy and this isn't going to be top of their priorities, but a local officer should be able to assist. Do not get talked into allowing your husband to come alone. The other possibility is does he have a friend, or even a neutral party you would trust to collect some items, if you bagged them up first and handed them over on the doorstep?

Keep your doors locked and either a chain on, or a key in the lock so he can't come in when you're home.

Keep all texts, voicemails etc. If he won't leave you alone you could go down the harassment route, and they will be needed as evidence. Ignore his calls. I know you have already sent one message, but perhaps send one more reiterating that you don't want any contact with him, that any contact can me made through your solicitor, and that if he persists in contacting you then you will contact the police. Hopefully that will shut him up pretty quickly.

If you feel unsafe for any reason, don't be afraid to ring the police. It is better to get everything logged.

aftereight · 23/09/2014 14:29

Congratulations! The real, kick-ass, you can shine now that you no longer have dance to his tune. The irony is, he has fed your steely resolve and now you're the one firmly in the driving seat.

thenamehaschanged · 23/09/2014 14:40

Thank you Thanks

Thanks fluffysheep I've called them and have been told they haven't forgotten me but I'm on a waiting list to be called and obviously 999 in an emergency.

His brother would be ok to come round and pick stuff up for him if we get to that. But I will definitely ask for police presence if it's just him, I didn't realise I could ask for that so thank you. Today always was going to be the scary one I guess.

I need to go out and get the kids at 4.30. I'm flapping!

OP posts:
scarletforya · 23/09/2014 14:57

Yay!

Darkesteyes · 23/09/2014 15:18

Hi Name sit down and have a cup of tea. So pleased the FP lady came home with you.
You are amazing Thanks

Alicebannedit · 23/09/2014 15:22

If it comes to keeping the door locked against him coming in, yes to leaving the key in the lock, but if it's a yale type turn it so the flat bit at the top is horizontal - if it's in a vertical position it can be pushed through by someone inserting their key the other side. I expect this advice would go for other types of key as well.

Again, think safety for you and the girls x

thenamehaschanged · 23/09/2014 15:25

Thanks everyone, I got it wrong darkest, the police are only calling me to make an appointment so the lovely FP lady didn't come back with me even though she still offered. So i'm just sat here, front door locked, foot tapping ten to the dozen waiting for a call from either the solicitor or the police!

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hellsbellsmelons · 23/09/2014 15:35

Wow - I've just caught up with all the goings on.
A while back, I never thought you'd get to this stage.
But here you are!
Well done - hugely impressed by your strength and resolve.
Cheering you on from over here too!

Darkesteyes · 23/09/2014 15:37

Oh Name I know its not much and i know it cant help you but i am with you in spirit as are many posters on here.

I notice he had the cheek to ask where hes supposed to live.Confused He didnt have a problem living elsewhere during the marriage.

NettleTea · 23/09/2014 15:41

so proud of you.
doesnt he still have his shag pad - cant he go there?

BalloonSlayer · 23/09/2014 15:43

Well done Name!

Yes ha! Where is he supposed to live? "Where you have been living for five days out of seven for the last xx years"

enriquetheringbearinglizard · 23/09/2014 15:46

Name I imagine it's perfectly normal to get the jitters at this stage.
Adrenalin will have got you to here and it's moving on now to another stage when you might feel emotions akin to shock, even though you're doing the right thing.

Hang on in there.

CarbeDiem · 23/09/2014 15:47

Brilliant! Well done Name. It's done now, no more pretending.

Keep all of his texts, they're going to be nice/calm for now until the shock wears off and it hits him full force that you really mean this - then the arsehole is likely to make a return so do beware.

Keep you wits about you outside - do you think he'd turn up at the school? Are you going to tell the School that for now only you can pick up the girls (I'm not even sure if you're allowed to do that??) until the dust settles.

Tell your parents to ignore his calls and that you don't want nor need any information passed on - you've enough headfuckery to be dealing with.

Hope someone has called you by now.

thenamehaschanged · 23/09/2014 15:49

No unfortunately he gave up the shag pad in August and moved back which is why I kicked myself for not having done this sooner. I'm hoping he'll go and stay at his brothers tonight and then get himself something sorted although we're skint at the moment. Still no word from solicitor/police - I have visions of me sitting by the front door with a cricket bat tonight!

OP posts:
NettleTea · 23/09/2014 15:55

But police still have you in a queue - they know the score, so if you 999 them they know the reason.