How do I tell him I don't want to go back to work?

[DontGiveAwayTheHomeworld]

DS starts school in two weeks. He's going straight into full-time, which frees up a large chunk of the day for me. Because of this, DH has started on about me going back to work. The thing is, I don't really want to.

We don't desperately need the money, things are tight but we manage. I never had anything resembling a career, and the only work I could realistically do is shop/cleaning work - I was more than happy to give that up, and I really don't want to go back to that, particularly if there's no financial gain (which there wouldn't be after childcare.) Besides that, I've been working on a novel for the last year and a bit, and the dream is to write full- time. The extra time I gain from DS being at school would be the perfect transition to that, but DH sees it as just a hobby. Which it is, I guess, but I'd love to make it my career, even if I don't make much money from it.

I just don't know how to talk to DH about all this, he's all but decided I'll be going back to full-time work outside the home, to the point where he's getting annoyed at the fact I'm not really looking. It's really eating at my confidence - like I'm not worth anything without a job.

I think you might have taken me more specifically than I intended, Chase

I do think it's important she finds her confidence and the best paid work she can.

Although writing is fairly flexible it's not the same as being a SAHM. If you make a career of it you have deadlines and meetings and book tours etc. you need either a supportive partner or child care or both!

Oh and I wrote my first book with baby twins and a Job as a lawyer . No one writes their first novel ' full time'

But she hasn't been Word. She has the bulk of a draft already.

Could you agree to a six month/1 year period where you remain at home pursuing your writing dream? And review the situation after that? It will give you time to discover if you can monetise your writing. If money is tight it seems reasonable that you should contribute but don't allow him to knock your confidence or kill your dreams.

3/4 of a first draft is only the start though ! She has a hell of a way to go yet. If she were saying she wanted six months to rattle on I'd say do it. But she's essentially saying she wants to be a writer as her 'job ' and I really don't think she is there yet.

The point is Word, the draft is something she has confidence about and completing the first draft has significance to her.

Agreed, TheWordFactory I see this sort of attitude a lot with my undergrads. As other pps have said, a mindless routine job can be a really good idea for a writer: see life, let the brain run free while getting on with ordinary tasks.

And, in support of the OP "following her dream" -- if there are childcare costs, her DH will see what her domestic labour actually costs to replace. That might make him less wrong-headed about her resource contribution to the family. Because of course a SAHP contributes a resource to the family.

The question here is, how much ... to me, it seems out of balance. But apparently, I lack empathy so what would I know! I've only published a few books, written in between the other parts of what I do to earn a living and keep my little family going, so I can't really comment here I suppose.

OP, irishe was right about the way your DH spoke to you.

I hope you haven't been scared off the thread completely.

You have loads of options and loads of time.

Please do update us if you can.

Have you RTFT UP?

Yes arsenic and as I say, six free months to crack on and finish it would be great and her DH might support that . But OP is asking not work at all apart from writing which seems premature and naive.

Have you explained to him that when you go back to full time work, he will be doing half the cooking, half the housework, half the childcare and half the taking time off when your DC is sick, half the sports days, preparing the PE kit, lunches, taking your DC to school/ breakfast club 2-3 days a week, etc.?

Is he looking forward to that?

Yes arsenic and as I say, six free months to crack on and finish it would be great and her DH might support that

Well lots of compromises have been suggested.

Lets hope she pops back.

It's a bit mean wanting the OP to go out to work just for the sake of it. If you want your brain to run free while carrying out mundane tasks, you really can't beat the school run and making housework take ALL day.

Half the cooking, shopping, using annual leave to go to the children's sports days, or when they're unwell can actually provide quite a nice balance rather than just being seen as sole earner. Plenty of working parents share the pleasures (and pressures) of earning and running the home. Maybe the OP's husband wants a bit more balance in his life.

". Plenty of working parents share the pleasures (and pressures) of earning and running the home."

Actually most don't.

Study after study shows that where both partners work full time, the majority of childcare and domestic labour is still done by women.

Both partners are so surprised and impressed that the man in the partnership is doing any housework at all, that they consistently over-estimate how much domestic labour the male partner actually does.

I can only imagine how this thread would read if the OP were the sole breadwinner and her husband was the one who wanted to lot out of work to follow his dream of being a writer after being a SAHD.

The cries of cocklodger ringing off Big Ben.

Maybe the OP's husband wants a bit more balance in his life.

No he doesn't. He want's autonomy and a management career of his choosing.

He also wants to dictate to his wife that she return to low-status, low-pay work. Furthermore, he wants to stipulate that this should be FT despite there being no financial benefit compared to PT, due to childcare costs.

I agree with most posters -OP, you need to get some pieces published and show that you can actually make a decent amount from writing before you choose not to work.

Most people dislike working, and most of us don't work in our 'passion' - but we work nonetheless because we want to pay the bills and better our living standard.

It is grossly unfair of you to expect you DH to shoulder the entire financial burden of the family (since you've not earned anything by writing to date there's no indication that you ever will - only a small percentage of novels written are ever published). Being a SAHM is a joint decision, so if he feels you should work then you probably should. How would you like it if he quit his job to pursue something he enjoyed but had never earned any money at and expected you to be the primary breadwinner?

I also agree with the posters who've called 'cocklodger'.

What Askbasil said

Though I am always impressed (if slightly dubious) that virtually everyone on MN has both parents working full time, and both sharing housework/looking after sick child/school run equally.

In real life I do not know a single couple who do this.

I know lots if women in crap jobs (as long as it fits in with school hours) who then also do all the jobs to do with home and kids.

My DH would like me to work full time. He also refuses to cook or grocery shop or stay at home with a sick child. So that was absolutely a no go for me. I work part time. School hours at term time is not enough time for a full time job.

OP would your DH be willing to do 50% of school runs/shopping/cooking/nit combing/birthday party organising/loo cleaning and laundry? Taking days off work at short notice to stay with a vomiting child?

If so, you don't have much of a case, but if not, it is shitty he (abd most of MN) expect you to take a shitty term time school hours job (as if those are that easy to find!) and spend the rest of your week cleaning and looking after kids.

Also, too many MNers here are ridiculously scathing about your writing.

This is clearly not a site for support or encouragement.

Au contraire BakedPotato, I would say it is a site for support, encouragement and a healthy dose of reality.

No point telling someone that yes, they should never have to work because they don't want to, when that is completely unrealistic.

momni it is possible to encourage realism AND ambition.

BakedPotato is right. This is a very sad thread.

I think that people did encourage realism and ambition, and are still doing so. They are saying that she should get a part time job to help out with finances and write in her spare time, that this will actually improve her writing by expanding her horizons, meeting new people, allowing space for ideas to germinate. That hardly any writers can make a living from writing but here are lots of ideas of how you can work it. You yourself made suggestions like that! The response has not been to consider these options, it has been that she should be able to chase her dreams and her DH is a jerk for not allowing her to.

You can't help someone that doesn't want to be helped unfortunately.

Arsenicy, you are giving the OP the benefit of the doubt because of her age, that is a kindly thing to do.

However it's also fair to assume that her DH may be young too and may not have worked through the ramifications of F/T vs P/T salary once child care costs are taken into account. Or perhaps the conversation has gone that OP says she will only work p/t and no p/t jobs are available therefore there is no point in looking therefore the H point outs that f/t jobs could be found.

Or he could just be fed up with OP not having a reasoned response to fairly basic questions.

I feel there are just too many unanswered questions to paint the DH in a certain way.

I just want to take issue with the 'following the dream' idea re your H's career. I have a career. DH has a career. Sometimes it's good, sometimes it's crap and monstrously stressful, sometimes it's brilliant but most of the time it's a bit meh and dull and we only do it because we need the money. I don't care what your career is it isn't going to be at all like a dream a lot of the time.

TBH I would have loved to stay at home with my kids - or at least I'd have liked the choice to do so. That would, for a few years, at least, have been quite a dream to follow. I had to work. But worst of bloody all was knowing that no matter how crappy my day, no matter how tired I was, no matter how stressed I was over it all I HAD NO CHOICE. I was the main breadwinner. Dreams had fuck all to do with it. Do you think that perhaps OP's H feels that way too and after 5 years he is really looking forward to sharing the burden.

Your 'dreams' aren't the only thing that matters and there may well me more than one way to skin a cat (or follow a dream, or to flog a metaphor like a dead equine).

BTW I don't like drudgery either. Shall we start a club?