How do I tell him I don't want to go back to work?

[DontGiveAwayTheHomeworld]

DS starts school in two weeks. He's going straight into full-time, which frees up a large chunk of the day for me. Because of this, DH has started on about me going back to work. The thing is, I don't really want to.

We don't desperately need the money, things are tight but we manage. I never had anything resembling a career, and the only work I could realistically do is shop/cleaning work - I was more than happy to give that up, and I really don't want to go back to that, particularly if there's no financial gain (which there wouldn't be after childcare.) Besides that, I've been working on a novel for the last year and a bit, and the dream is to write full- time. The extra time I gain from DS being at school would be the perfect transition to that, but DH sees it as just a hobby. Which it is, I guess, but I'd love to make it my career, even if I don't make much money from it.

I just don't know how to talk to DH about all this, he's all but decided I'll be going back to full-time work outside the home, to the point where he's getting annoyed at the fact I'm not really looking. It's really eating at my confidence - like I'm not worth anything without a job.

I've skimmed the thread.

Coming at this from the other end, so to speak.

You are 24, you therefore probably don't have much in the way of an employment history, you have a young child. You also have a dream and, I hope, some talent. What you don't have is a back up plan.

As many others have said, most, if not all writers have had to work around their writing in order to make ends meet. You might be the next Salman Rushdie, but you might also be the next one hit wonder, you need a contingency, and that's going to come from working.

The other thing is that, should the worst happen, you'll be in a stronger position than a lot of women who suddenly find themselves on their own.

"particularly if there's no financial gain (which there wouldn't be after childcare.)"

Have you sat down with your husband a pen and a calculator and worked this out?
As others have suggested, perhaps you could work during school hours only?
Have you spoken to your husband about what he wants for the future? Is he hoping for a better quality of life on two incomes? Perhaps he feels pressured as the only wage earner. I have been the main bread winner before and however much I love my job, there are days when I've felt trapped by the need to bring home the wages.
Few jobs are enjoyable all the time and it only takes a bit of office politics to leave me thinking "oh god, what if" sometimes. On one wage, it is all more of a worry.

Worst case scenario and anything were to happen to your DH/you divorce and you end up as a single parent-would you be entitled to benefits to allow you to stay at home and write? I really would get some qualifications now-look on ot as a positive exciting thing :)

I have a friend who only wants to so a certain job. She wants to be a film director but won't leave her tiny village, send anything she's made off to anyone or put any contingency plans in place. She has though, now had 3 children-with five/six year age gaps between them as her husband similarly wanted her to contribute financially but she didn't want to go out to work and this meant she had a reason not to.

They have recently separated.

Be a good role model to your child, OP, by doing the following:

Work hard (even though sometimes it's boring) AND don't ever give up on your dreams...

Otherwise if in 15 years your son is refusing to get a job because he thinks it's 'boring' and would rather sit in his rooms and let his parents pay for him, you'll only have yourself to blame. IMO.

Or;

Could you maybe agree a solid chunk of time to devote to writing (say 6 months/a year), then a fixed point to reassess followed by a move into work?

You would have a chance to put together a significant piece of work which you could then hawk around publishers and your husband would be able to support you to do that without feeling as though he had committed to an open ended situation.

OP I've just skimmed through the thread (I did reply earlier), I hadn't realised your are so young, only 24.

Please, please, please, do NOT let time go by without investing in your future. Time really flies. You have your youth, you have time, you have a home, I urge you to either study something that you love (maybe English?) or find a job. Continue with your writing, but it cannot be a full-time job. Treat it as a hobby for now.

Important 1 in 3 marriages break up in the UK, some of them well after 20 happy years. I really hope this never happens to you, but, if it did think of yourself as a 44 year old with no job, no money and no education.

OP after reading some of your later responses and seeing your age I really think you need to listen to what your husband is saying. He thinks you are playing at writing, think hard about that. Can you really say there is no truth in that because after all if you were bringing in money and had a promising future in writing I doubt he would be on your back to get a full time job.

If my husband said he didn't want to work and could not provide a solid plan to show how he planned to contribute to the household I would be seriously considering our future. Fortunately most people realise they need to get on with it including the drudgery or they work as a stop gap whilst pursuing their dreams on the side. You're getting a hard time on here because you sound like you consider your dreams to be more of a priority than your family.

There really have been loads of threads in the past from women with male partners who won't work, because they are too SPESHUL. They are going to be film directors, writers, photographers, rock stars.. one day. What they actually do is spend all day playing with themselves and all night in the pub moaning about how they 'can't get a break'. Not only will they not work to bring in money, they generally do no housework or childcare, either.

You're not that bad - you've been bringing up a child and doing your share of domestic work.

I'm not telling you to give up writing any more than I would expect anyone who loves filmmaking, painting or playing the guitar to stop it altogether and go and slave away in a supermarket for the rest of his/her life. I actually find it sad and infuriating that so many talented, artistic people can't make a living out of doing what they love because most of the creative industries now won't pay beginners at all, so the only people who can work in them are those with rich parents or a rich partner.

But you need to do both. As PP have said - and as I know from personal experience - a dull job can actually be good for a writer. While you're stacking shelves or scrubbing floors or whatever, you can be contemplating that brilliant plot twist for Chapter 4, or mentally exploring the childhood of your protagonist for reasons why s/he likes cheese and is frightened of windmills. Sitting at home with your thumb up your bum is actually quite bad for a creative person, because it gives you nothing to draw on.

Oh and, BTW, sorry for a mini-hijack but to the startling number of other erotica/romance/erotic romance writers popping up on the thread. Any of you dropping by at the Undone Cocktail Party today?

Who was it that said he would never have churned out his best sellers if he hadn't had the "stimulus of reality" to act as his muse? I can't remember, but a fairly famous author said that at some point because I remember reading it. I am the same age as you OP, and I've been writing poetry and prose since I was 13. None of it is published and I wouldn't even attempt trying at this age because I'm aware as SGB states, that it's fairly self indulgent and overly flamboyant. I also am a bit free spirity and creative, and I really hate working, but the thing is that I don't like in a bubble. If I could I'd be self sufficient in the middle of Dartmoor, at one with the wilds of nature and churning out epic and tormented works of literary art. Thing is life don't work like that, we all have to pull our weight. Your mentioned upthread that you didn't understand what had changed for your partner, in that he was happy to be the breadwinner before. I think before you were caring for small children weren't you? And this was all consuming work and directly contributed to your family, you were a team player. Now you have all this free time which you are chosing to spend on something which DOESNT directly contribute to the family. If my partner made that choice I'd be hurt because he would be saying that he could opt out of the "team". Your partner doesn't get the CHOICE to out out. He may never make the choice to opt out but he would like to know it's there, that you value and respect him enough to give him that choice.

Look you talk about happiness and being miserable doing a job that is "drudgery". Welcome to reality. There are thousands of people right now who are doing jobs they despise because if they don't, their families will starve. There are people desperately searching for ANY job, who would do anything no matter how soul destroying to try and make a better life for their kids. There are people unable to work, reliant on meagre benefits that could be slashed anytime, benefits that don't cover the bills, battling disabilities, being summoned to the Jobcentre every week to once again explain that they are trying to find work.

You are so lucky. You have a partner and a healthy child. You've had the luxury of time off to watch that child grow and to give them all your attention. You say financially you are doing ok, so good, you've not had years of trying to feed said child and partner on a pittance and chosing between heat and food. You've been lucky. Your partner now, is asking for you to rejoin the team, take some of the pressure off him, be his partner and work with him towards further financial stability. He's being practical and sensible and thinking of your families financial security as well as yours in the event he left you or became disabled. Perhaps he would like to be able to take a few more holidays, put some more money away for your DCs, be able to spend some time and money on your relationship. Your decision to write not only forces financial responsibility onto his shoulders, but also denies him the opportunity to set goals for your future and that if your child. You say he earns enough to just cover bills, and this doesn't leave him or you in a position to save towards anything in the near future, have weekends away or holidays several times a year. Or whatever you may chose to do with that excess money. I think you need to try looking at this from his perspective.

Generally, lady authoresses who need not deign to submit themselves to "drudgery" thanks to the support of a husband are not going to be the writers who make a living. Or who write anything interesting.

Characterising ordinary, honest work as "drudgery" betrays a lack of empathy and, dare I say it, imagination. And you can't be a good creative writer until you've got boatloads of both of those.

There was a period in my life when creative writing didn't seem like the drudgery that it is. It was when I was still so young, callow and self-absorbed that I could write thinly-veiled autobiography and call it ground-breaking fiction. It was when my writing was all about me, and had nothing to offer an audience. It was also when I was around the age of 24... writing was wonderfully stimulating back then!

Then I grew up and learned things about the world that made my fiction actually bearable to read to people who weren't me.

OP, I think you should keep writing. I also think you should work, because you need to grow up (and I mean that in the kindest possible way). Writers who have not grown up have nothing to offer their readers.

You speak about yourself like a child and of your husband as if he is your father. That could be for any number of reasons, including that your marriage may be abusive, or simply because you are immature and inexperienced, and haven't yet realised the alternate identities available to you. (which would be understandable, given you have been a mother since you were a teenager, and probably quite cut off from things.) I think you could benefit from a lot of introspection, and from meeting people who are not like you.

You know -- those drudges out there earning their keep. The ones who have the money to buy the books you might want to sell...

Oh and, BTW, sorry for a mini-hijack but to the startling number of other erotica/romance/erotic romance writers popping up on the thread. Any of you dropping by at the Undone Cocktail Party today?

Did someone admit to writing erotica? What goes on at Undone? Is there shop talk? Seminars? I am indecently interested

I'm going to add to the harsh comments, then I may have to hide this thread because the attitude of the OP actually makes me quite angry. My issues I know. But ...

I write for a living but that doesn't pay the bills so I teach as well ie I'm an academic. I was widowed suddenly & with a 3 year old so had to do it all (it was a long time ago so don't need sympathy now).

I have the responsibility of "being creative" and "developing myself" PLUS earning the money to keep me & my DS. He's launched on the world now I'm old but I still have bills and a pension to earn.

So excuse me if I think you sound so completely pretentious and entitled.

I'd like to know how much of my very hard-earned taxes goes to keep your household going (bar child benefit, we all get that & a good thing too).

And I'd like to know how much you're saving for your pension.

Because unless you are in receipt of no state funding other than child benefit & use of NHS and all of the things we all get, and saving in a pension scheme for yourself, then you are massively selfish and expecting people like me to fund your "creativity," as well as relying on your husband for a meal ticket. I also think you're putting the cause of women to be treated as equal human beings back massively, and setting a bad example for your DC.

And really, if you want to write, bluddy get on and write. Get up an hour earlier & do 500 words a day. You can write a book in a year that way. It's how I did it when I needed to.

And if your DH dies, as mine did suddenly? Or pisses off with a younger model? (they do -- I always think at least I as spared that, as awful as the 10 years after my DH's death was).

Look most people can raise a child fairly well, & be "good enough" parents. In the scheme of things, it's nothing special. All of us need to contribute beyond the 16-18 years of our DCs' dependence on us. You have a long life ahead of you.

Get trained, do something worthwhile with your whole life. and act as though you're a team with your DH. I don't often feel sorry for husbands that we hear about in this forum, but I feel sorry for your DH.

Who was it that said he would never have churned out his best sellers if he hadn't had the "stimulus of reality" to act as his muse?

Iain Banks, I think, when he received the diagnosis of his child with SNs. And Jodie Picoult, who was abandoned with DCs and needed to write to support them. And the Bronte sisters needed money so wrote. As did any number of women writers in the 1800s eg Jo from Little Women.

There are a lot more.

It's all been said, really.
At 24, you have 50 years or so of working life ahead of you. Surely the best thing to do is to find a career which you are good at and enjoy (or at least dont hate!) It's a total cop out to decide that you don't want to work and just want to pursue your hobby even though you may never make any money from it.

Even if your DH loves his career, he may well not love the pressure of being sole provider. And anyway, there are numerous reasons why it's a good idea for you to earn as others have pointed out. Your DH could get sick, he could get made redundant, he could fall out of love with his job.. Life changes, and while he may have been prepared to take on the responsibility of supporting the family single handed for a few years, he clearly feels differently now.

And also, like everyone has said, if you're passionate about writing you'll be getting up and fitting in an hour or so early in the mornings, using your evenings etc

Retrain for something you can make a career out of and keep your financial independence from your DH. I can't stress that enough. I gave up a good career basically to enable DH to commit 100% of his time and attention to his career and do nothing at home. How stupid do you think I felt when he told me he was having an affair with a colleague? Pretty f*king stupid, and angry, and then stupid again. Never thought it would happen to me. Noone does. We're all married to 'good men who wouldn't do that'

Whatever decision you reach, reach it knowing that marriage is increasingly likely to be for the now, not for ever.

with nobody ever asking what I want

I don't really get this 'poor little me' attitude.

Presumably you gave your informed consent to marry, and then when you were pregnant? You didn't have to get married, and you didn't have to have a child ...

Presumably you gave your informed consent to marry, and then when you were pregnant? You didn't have to get married, and you didn't have to have a child ...

She became a mother at 19 or 20 Up. Exercise some imagination, eh? Or at least find some empathy.

How many of us would want to pursue forever the exact path we embarked on at 19?

She has shown some gumption already in writing half a draft in scraps of time, in the face of her DH's scorn.

Her DS's reception year is possibly her first real chance to explore her options further.

At one point I was finding her posting style listless, but I think there might be another way of interpreting the situation.

Op, I am one of those writers as rare as rocking horse shit; I make a good living from it. But the truth is most don't. Most don't get published at all. Ever. And of the ones that do, most make less than min wage. And most get dropped by their publishers after their second books. Being a football manager is more stable. So you need a job as well as writing. You 'd be an idiot not to do both at this stage!

You sound ridiculous. I feel for your husband.

Oh and I wrote my first book with baby twins and a Job as a lawyer . No one writes their first novel ' full time'

If you did work who does he expect will leave work if your child becomes ill at 1pm? Who will stay off if he throws up in the night? What will you do in the holidays for child care?