How do I tell him I don't want to go back to work?

[DontGiveAwayTheHomeworld]

DS starts school in two weeks. He's going straight into full-time, which frees up a large chunk of the day for me. Because of this, DH has started on about me going back to work. The thing is, I don't really want to.

We don't desperately need the money, things are tight but we manage. I never had anything resembling a career, and the only work I could realistically do is shop/cleaning work - I was more than happy to give that up, and I really don't want to go back to that, particularly if there's no financial gain (which there wouldn't be after childcare.) Besides that, I've been working on a novel for the last year and a bit, and the dream is to write full- time. The extra time I gain from DS being at school would be the perfect transition to that, but DH sees it as just a hobby. Which it is, I guess, but I'd love to make it my career, even if I don't make much money from it.

I just don't know how to talk to DH about all this, he's all but decided I'll be going back to full-time work outside the home, to the point where he's getting annoyed at the fact I'm not really looking. It's really eating at my confidence - like I'm not worth anything without a job.

I think the thing is, as other posters have already said, it's perfectly possible to make money from writing if you're prepared to go freelance and do some commercial copy writing.

I don't know why this isn't an option for you OP. Because you regard yourself as a 'novelist' only? Because commercial copywriting is too much of a 'drudge'?

Peter Cook once asked a friend what they were up to:

'I'm writing a novel' said the man.

To which Cook replied: 'Neither am I'.

(That was to Cant, but you too Hamster )

It only took ten pages Arse

Pah. It took me 12 to agree with myself once

Yes, I agree and its personal to each of us. The point I was making is that if there is not much or no financial gain to the OP working and they are managing without the extra money, where is the problem?

The problem is that her DH does not want to be the sole earner and is not willing to subsidise her hobby. She doesn't get to opt out of working just because she dislikes the "drudgery" involved in many jobs. It has to be a joint decision.

So she either needs to talk her DH round, or she needs to go out and find a job.

Well it looks like we've scared her off now anyway.

OP at the end of the day if you can afford to do it ..do it....we only come this way once! Life's too short for regrets and what ifs. Good luck with your venture :-)

To be fair (and hopefully not to derail) if the OP (or anyone else) writes a romance novel and M&B turn it down, there are other publishers who buy romances. Especially erotic romances. Shitloads of them. Honest.

That doesn't mean to say there are fortunes to be made for everyone. I know a lot of people who write erotic romance/erotic fiction, including some very well-known authors in the genre. No one's got a private jet or a villa in Barbados. Most of us about cover the cost of printer ink and a couple of lattes.

Sorry, internet crapped out and I just got back online.

I haven't discounted freelance work, it's still writing and I think of it as practice. But DH still sees it as "pissing around on your laptop" - his exact words about 10 minutes ago.

I'm about 3/4 through my first draft - it has been tough going, it's been hard to stay motivated, but I can look at it and think "yeah, there's progress, I'm doing well, keep going!" I don't get that level of satisfaction from anything else. It's drudgery, but not in the sense that a regular job is - there's solid evidence of how far I've come, it's not just the same thing day in, day out with no real progress. I really hope it's coming across properly there!

I didn't actually have maternity leave, I lost my job due to restructuring just before I found out I was pregnant. Then I got caught up in parenting and housework and everything kind of spiralled out of my control. I've been grabbing time around everything to write, but I'm treading on eggshells because I don't want to take that time away from DS and DH - trying not to rock the boat, if that makes any sense.

I am quite young, only 24, so maybe I am just naive. But I've spent my entire life living up to other's expectations, with nobody ever asking what I want. This is the only thing I have that is only for me.

I am quite young, only 24, so maybe I am just naive. But I've spent my entire life living up to other's expectations, with nobody ever asking what I want. This is the only thing I have that is only for me.

So since your teens you've been someone's mum?

Insist insist INSIST on a decent shot at your choice of a career.

Why are you not applying for Uni?

Perhaps he's less likely to see it as 'pissing around on your laptop' if you actually present him with evidence of your first payment for freelancing. I suspect that when I started, my DP was far more dubious about my ability to earn money from freelance writing than he let on, but he soon changed his mind when I started earning money.

That explains how you sound. I apologise for misunderstanding.

The larger part of student loan is not mean tested. That could be your contribution to family finances for three years.

OP if you are truly creative then start getting creative about how you can earn money whilst pursuing your dream. When I graduated from Uni with a BSc as a mature student the one thing I was certain of was that I didn't want to be a wage slave. I wanted to write fantasy and fiction novels with Geological guides on the side and have the freedom to travel and not be limited to 5-6 weeks a year. But you know rent and bills. So I got creative.

I run 4 small businesses across Ebay/Etsy/Folksy, I sell my handmade fine jewellery online and at craft fairs. I have a fun and cheaper jewellery line under a different name and a handmade and vintage button shop as well as general crafts and vintage homewares picked up from car boots. None of these ventures will make me rich but together they make me a comfortable little income. Once these were set up and bringing in cash I started to learn about digital imaging and sold collage sheets, filofax inserts and researched and made nicely photographed tutorials to sell and set up a new shop for them, more money trickling in. In the long run this will be my most profitable shop as once I make a tutorial or collage sheet the same one can be sold again and again, unlike a pair of earrings which requires my labour each go.

Throughout all this I kept writing, but once things were more stable I was able to focus more time. I did 5 hours a day on my other business and devoted 4 to writing. My biggest income is now self published erotic/romance fiction on Amazon, it is tougher than it looks, but research well and practise on fan fiction sites you can get to know what people like and make a solid income.

Then I was able to focus on writing what I want in the time I have left. I now have an agent for my book and have sold several short stories and won over 15 competitions.

The whole thing is hard work and whilst I am confident of my overall success I am not confident that I will be the successful writer in the genre I desire, but I will have given it my best shot. To be brutally honest if you have got a child to school age and not finished your novel then do doubt your dedication to your dream, sounds more pie in the sky to me.

To be brutally honest if you have got a child to school age and not finished your novel then do doubt your dedication to your dream, sounds more pie in the sky to me.

WSS

You don't want to go back to work that's your choice. Being a mum is a career in itself. However I have to say this I hope you would not look down your nose at a single mum who didn't want to work because what's the difference you're married and she's not.

I sense this issue is just the tip of a resentment iceberg. (Why would you have eaten more chocolate if you'd stayed single, btw? Does he control what you eat?)

I'm a writer and live solely on what I earn. When I get married next year, I'm hoping to work MORE so I can bring in as much as possible to help us as a family. It's as much my responsibility as my OH's.

You're not thinking like a team. What's best for you all as a FAMILY? I realise that getting pregnant so young, and married, while all your friends pursued their careers has probably made you resentful and wondering when you will ever get "your time". But sadly, none of us get "our time" when we're married with kids. It's the first thing you sacrifice. It's kind of the point...

Anyway. Is there more to this issue than just writing? Is your DH generally an unsupportive man?

If you've been published before then for God's sake get published again. Get money coming in for all of you. Do it because you CAN.

WhatsGoingOnEh I'm sorry but if the OP had the toughness and nous to write a novel she would have done it by now. Being too good to work part time for a wage and thinking she should be able to devote her time to her prose does not look positive for the future. I think the OP needs to realise that writing for a living isn't a wee bit of fun that ladies that lunch do when they can be bothered but is a proper profession requiring serious time and dedication for minimal reward.

Coming late to this, but have RTFT. OP you have had a real mixture of responses here, some a bit harsh, others some brilliant advice about how to move forward with your writing venture. I have been prompted to post by the "pissing about on your laptop" comment. I may be a sop but it made me feel very sad for you - not in a patronising way I hasten to add. I work in the mental health field, and that comment sounded so dismissive/angry/frustrated towards you. What is going on here, in your relationship? That was not a respectful comment made to an equal and valued member of the team. IMHO.

This may be way off base, but is your DH frustrated with the fact you are not contributing financially to the family? Is he under pressure being the sole wage earner and this is his rather unpleasant way of trying to encourage/push you back into the workplace. Instead of a transparent conversation about what he feels is important?

If this denigration of your interests or indeed, you as a person is more widespread, then there are issues within your relationship that are more fundamental than the situation under discussion.

I have always hated to hear members of couples putting each other down.

I do agree it is important for all members of the team to contribute, but this can be done in many ways, not only financially. The key of course is that everyone must value each individuals contribution. It was hinted at up thread, that OP felt her partner viewed things in a very business like manner (not that this in itself is a negative of course, the books of any enterprise must balance) but it is unclear to me whether the OP feels valued/respected generally within the relationship.

All relationships/families, our lives in general are about compromise, how much anyone will do this will probably come down to how much they value and respect the other person and whether this is reciprocated - a key point.

An honest and respectful discussion is required so that both OP and her partners views/needs can be aired and a way forward found. It does not sound as if either is being fully heard by the other at the moment

Hi OP! I scan read the replies, some seem quite harsh but in the real world not many people get to live their dreams which is sad.

Could you try and find a 9-12 post daily that would give you 3 hours a day for writing too? Not to mention evening time too. That would be a compromise surely and negate childcare? Work might not be the drudgery you're expecting either, the anticipation and fear will probably far outweigh the reality, and you might find it fun, and get writing inspiration too.

Totally agree with ArsenicyOldFace! . I went to university 4 years ago (aged 49) as a mature student and although DH has a full time job, the money I received in grants and loans was much more than I would get working part-time in a minimum wage job. You can study part-time and still get finance too . You don't need A levels if you are over 21 and Foundation Degrees are particularly designed for people who haven't been in formal education for a while. There were lots of mature students studying creative writing at my university.

You are still only 24 and to be honest, haven't really completed your education yet. You'll get to meet loads of interesting people and you'll be able to make a useful financial contribution to the household while learning your craft.

And also 24 is way to young to give up your dreams I am not surprised that you may feel scared/angry/unsupported about this. All my words, not yours.
I am nearly twice your age some dreams fulfilled, others not, such is life.

Please remember as others have said, there are many pathways forward. Just because you may not be able to choose the straightest path does not mean you won't achieve what you want. Sometimes the convoluted route turns out to be the one we learn and grow from. Not always easy but essential to developing the resilience we need to survive and thrive in our lives.

You have so much life ahead of you, it will twist and turn as you can never believe at this stage, embrace it, live it.

Many writers have got their careers going by making time to write that fits around a paying job. Anthony Trollope for one - he got up at 5am and wrote for 2 hours before going off to his job at the Post Office. Jenny Colgan, as a more recent example, has talked about how she did a day in the office for the NHS, then stayed at her desk for a few more hours to write her novel (her first published novel, Amanda's Wedding) and then went off to do stand-up in the evening (again related to her goal of being a comic writer). It won't do you any harm to do this, and might actually give you more ideas and experiences to write about.

What is irksome about your posting (hence the harsh replies) is your refusal to consider any option other than the one where you get to do exactly as you want. Very few people get that choice, and those who do are very lucky - you seem to think it's some kind of right that your DH is being very unfair not to recognise. Also all the stuff about how you need a creative outlet and can't stand drudgery also has a hint of being 'above other mere mortals' about it - if you are so averse to drudgery, I frankly don't know how you've made it through 5 years of SAHP-ing as while being at home with a child offers all sorts of benefits, it also involves a hell of a lot of drudgery. If you have dealt with that, a fairly mundane job to earn a few quid should be a piece of piss tbh.

Plus if you went temping, you'd probably be able to work on your magnum opus for at least some of the time. I know when I temped there was never enough work to actually fill the day and it would have been an ideal time to have something on the side to get on with.

I think the writing thing is a great dream - loads of us have it. I did/do. It is a dream though.

But leaving that dream aside and that your dh is perfectly reasonable in wanting you to contribute financially to the household now, what about you?

You are 24. I think you don't want to go back into the workforce because you are nervous/scared/worried about being out there again. In fact I think the best thing you could do is find a job, you'd meet people, get on with them, have experiences, find yourself being really good at some tasks, get feedback, want to perform better, make friends- do what you should be doing during your 20s. Surely at 24 with the ability to write, you can't see drudgery as the only work available to you? My son is 18. If I felt at 24 he would be retreating from the working world and just wanting to stay at home writing most likely unpublished work, I'd be really worried about him.

I think you should look for jobs that marginally interest you or are entry-level in companies where there is scope for growth. You might enjoy it. You will certainly feel more empowered. You will definitely have more stuff to write about if that is your ultimate destiny.