Another heartbroken OW...

[HeartbrokenOW]

So I’m going to bite the bullet and brave the flaming that is all too common on these threads. I’m in a bad place right now and it won’t help.

I separated from my DH nearly two years ago. We had been together for 15 years. We were good at being parents and good at being companions but I think we both wanted more. We have 3 young children and the split has been about as amicable as these things can be and we are on good terms. At the beginning of the year I ended up sleeping with a colleague after a drunken night out and we drifted into an affair. He fell for me quite quickly and I gradually followed and have ended up loving him in a way I have never loved someone before. No one has ever made me feel as loved as he has. We both fell head over heels.

Just a few months after we started my MM told his wife he was unhappy. She didn’t want him to leave and he agreed to try to work on his marriage with counselling. He told me that he had been unhappy for years but it had never ever occurred to him to separate until he met me. He felt that he needed to try to make his marriage work for the sake of the kids (three teenagers, one at uni). He ended it with me but the affair very quickly started again (days). We fell deeper and deeper into our relationship. A couple of weeks ago he told his wife he was leaving and went to stay at a friend’s house with the intention of trying to find somewhere to live asap. However my elation has turned to heartbreak when two days later he told me that he didn’t think he could go through with it and he felt he had to try one last time with his wife. He said he hadn’t tried properly before as was carrying on with me. He has said he loves me but needs a clear head so he can make a committed decision one way or another and has therefore said no contact.

I am hurting so much. I have fallen for this man completely. On the one hand I recognise that his actions are probably honourable in that if there is anything salvageable in his marriage then he should salvage it as there are children involved. At first I didn’t consider his DW’s feeling if I am honest but I have as time progressed. He has a nice family life and he has never described her negatively. He has always said that their marriage is dead and has been for many years. I do completely believe he loves me and he has said many times that he has never felt for someone the way he does for me. So I guess part of me feels that he is potentially robbing her of a chance to be with someone that loves her properly rather than someone who is staying with her for the sake of the children. Already he is not the man she thinks he is as he has had a long affair. I have read other affair discussions on here and I have heard all the views of the MM’s devastated wife.

I know that there will be the usual lines on here that I could never trust him, our relationship has been built on lies, if he’s done it once he’ll do it again etc etc. FWIW – I don’t believe in any of that. The MM is a decent man. It is something that just happened. People fall in love, fall out of love, fall in love with someone else. Shit happens particularly as they got together when young. Of course all along we’ve had the free will to end it but our feelings for each other have done nothing but intensify. If he truly loves his wife then I will lick my wounds and wish him the best of luck. However I don’t believe he does. I think he possibly confused the pain of leaving and guilt for love. I think the sense that he was leaving for me rather than because of a dead marriage compounded that guilt.

But it still leaves me with a broken heart and the reality that we still have to see each other all the time at work. It leaves me desperate to contact and talk to him, to know what’s going on, to understand, but having to try to respect his request for space. I would really like to hear from those who have been in my position, either as the MW or the OW (PM me if you prefer). If your relationship ultimately worked out – did you or your MM wobble time and time again? Did you/he try to work on his marriage? How long were you together before the making a go of it? I would also like to hear from those for whom it didn't work out – how did you move on with a broken heart? Particularly if (as I suspect is often the case) you work together? How do I stop myself contacting him? I am itching to but he has asked for no contact and I have to respect that.

Woe - that was longer than I intended! But hey, rather than drip feed...

Honourable my arse. He's a liar.

Pretending to yourself that you're doing his wife a favour by letting her find herself someone who will love her completely is stupid.

Step back and look at what's gone on, it's not pretty and you aren't star crossed lovers, you're two people who put yourselves and your loins before all else.

I'm currently watching a family crumble because of the fallout from selfish behaviour such as this, so apologies if I come across as unsympathetic.

Merlincat, its like she said - shit happens.

But that little gem aside - I sincerely do hope things turn around for all of you very soon in every way possible.

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/2168957-Post-affair-Instant-Message-Mystery?

Read the second to last post by the OP (posted at 8:30 ish this morning), thats you. Looks different from the other side doesnt it?

Oh WOW! What world are you living in OP?

All you wanted to hear when you posted this thread was successful stories of how the OW got the MM in the end. Then even lowered yourself to a whole new level when you said you wanted to hear from MW who has encountered this heartache, which I suspect was for the same selfish reasons of perhaps hearing how their husbands did eventually leave them for OW?

MM doesn't want you. He wants his wife and his children. You're just a pain in the arse and a total regret at this point. No doubt his DW will be giving him a hard time at home, but he would still prefer to be there with her building bridges, than with you, frolicking and living in your world of nothing but intense passion? (Is that how you described it?)

Leave him and his family alone. Move on with your life.

So you're having a ball. A man turns up with his dance partner:

That he's chosen to dance with for life.

Then he decided to dance with you. See what that is like.

Then he decided his wife was the better dancer.

He came back and danced with you after a few days because he wants to be altogether sure.

But she has years of experience of dancing with him. You have nine months of snatched rehearsal time.

Sure you might be the world's greatest dancers if only the wife would gracefully retire.

There's a good chance that there's a woman somewhere near you who has just done the pick me dance to counter your pick me dance.

But for now, he's choosing to dance with her.

And you wonder why he dumped you? Nine months v. a very long marriage.

Your heartbreak, I'm sure is genuine. Your expectations are very unrealistic.

I'm afraid I can't really show you much sympathy as there's a woman out there who possibly utterly bereft at having been lied to and deceived for quite some time.

You too have been lied to and deceived. But the difference is you knew that all this time.

Little do you actually know what a damned lucky escape you're currently having.

OP, your story matches a thousand others on here and in real life. It's no different. You deserve this, but I feel sorry for you too because you're not malicious, just a fool. A fool with poor boundaries. That's not unusual either.

When you say you believe he did 'fall in love' with you, have you thought for a second what his definition of that is? Yes, I'm sure you're right. He wasn't faking it. He totally fell for you. Loved you to the moon and back/as soulmates/etc.etc., all the guff. Now he's dropped you like a bad smell. Why are you surprised? He said all those things to his wife. Looked into her eyes and told her she was his soulmate, that he'd never felt the same about anyone else- hell, he married her! Had kids! How much more 'unique and forever' can you get! - and then he cheated on her, lied to her every day for months.

What he's doing to you now sounds pretty much how he's happy to treat someone he loves, yes. The only surprising thing about it all is that you can't join the dots between all this to see the real measure of your 'perfect' man - a scummy shit.

The vitriol on here is like comparing fluffy kittens to a raging hungry lion.
You have no idea what you are in for.

It's not a "couple of years" tor readjust, as one OP suggested, my experience is nearly 30 years down the line. Shattered not just the lives of immediate family but grandparents, aunts, uncles, cousins, family friends etc. Majority of people got lost in the disgrace and practical reality of dealing with a raging ex-wife, distraught suicidal children and financial drama, hysteria and rage.

Quite frankly, I dream that karma will deal the MM and MW a painful illness and death. I know that sounds harsh and vindictive but that doesn't even touch the pain and chaos inflicted and sometimes we can't help how we feel can we, Heartbroken?

I do know a few OW who 'won' their men [some very sorry that they did] but none of them were asked to butt out as you have been so I think you just need to accept you have been foolish and move on. I hope you find happiness but not at the expense of someone else.

Won her man. That sounds awful. Like a fairground prize. I'd rather have a goldfish I think. Still I agree that it is how some people seem to think of it. Is he worth fighting for. Hmm no.

Oh, every time without fail, regardless of how much I have liked the OW in question, it has definitely been a competition. Horrible.

If you put 'OW' in the thread title, there will be some people coming on to your thread who just want to vent their spleens all over you and give you a piece of their minds. That is their sole purpose. Rather than coming on to help you. They are either wounded because they've been hurt in similar circumstances, or they are smug and self righteous because they believe they would never behave badly/cock things up/fall in love with someone they shouldn't etc. Most of us believe that about ourselves until it actually happens.

The term 'OW' blinds them to the word 'heartbroken' and in some cases they are even glad you are heartbroken because they believe you deserve it.

But none of that is actually very helpful.

You came on here for support, help and advice. Anyone not giving you that should be totally disregarded.

The trying again with his wife does not mean he doesn't love you. It means he is trying to do what he thinks is the 'right thing'.

It is a bit worrying that he is so dishonest though. His wife doesn't have all the information so they are unlikely to be able to make things really work, with her in the dark and him trying to forget you etc. Not a recipe for success. But do you really want to be with someone so adept in the art of deception?

I have walked a centimetre in your shoes at least… and yes I did end up with the man in question and many years down the line we are happy. You are most welcome to PM me, although there are MAJOR differences in our circumstances. (Am off out for a few hours though now)

Fantastic people ARE advising the OP. They're advising her of the hurt and damage an affair can cause. They're advising her to walk away from the whole situation. They're advising her that the MM no longer wants her.
I don't feel vitriol for the OP. I have however seen my brother's life ripped apart as the result of an affair.
Walk away. It's the best course of action for everyone, including you OP.

You came on here for support, help and advice. Anyone not giving you that should be totally disregarded.

She has had plenty of help, support and advice which she has chosen to 'disregard' or 'counter' as she so eloquently put it.

The OP came on here because although she has been dumped, although he has said "no contact" and although he is working on trying to repair his marriage (if his marriage is in fact as bad as he said which I doubt), she wanted to be told that he would still leave his wife.

IT WONT HAPPEN.

I am sorry that you are hurting but that is what happens with affairs, someone always ends up hurting and it is rarely the cheater. More usually it is one of the 2 people they are stringing along and often both.

If he loved you that much he would be with you. If he loved his wife that much he wouldnt have cheated on her. This man is a duplicitous piece of shit that would have said anything to get you into bed. You fell for it, it happens.

You wont feel less of a fool by trying to prove he loves you more really. It wont change anything. Your best bet is counselling to find out why you fell for it in the first place and why you are refusing to let it go.

OP my prediction is that if you leave him be and ignore him for a while he will do what most men in this situation do. He will get back in touch looking to start things up again. I think the decision you need to be prepared to make is whether you want him on those terms.

Men of this type (and I'm sorry but it usually is a type) generally won't leave unless they have to, or the wife throws them out. But it's difficult to stay with wife when the exciting option is still an option. Therefore, most will hanker after the comfortable middle ground of an affair, for as long as they can get away with it.

Though you don't see it now, this will probably end up being your decision. Just make sure you make it thinking of next month and next year, not just the instant gratification and comfort of having him back.

I won't go into the affair business because you're getting that advice well enough from other posters. But why would you want to be with a man who needed time to decide if he wanted to be with you or not?

Have some self respect. He clearly isn't in love with you, I would wonder if he ever was.

3 things...

1. "Already he is not the man she thinks he is as he has had a long affair."

You're more than happy to have him in spite of this. He's a man who, as you say, has had a long affair. You know this, and you're happy to have him. Read back what you've said here, and think about it. You're trying to portray him as a decent man, while believing his wife shouldn't stick with him, because he's fundamentally not decent. How does that work? She shouldn't accept sloppy seconds because she's worth more than that. Unlike you, for whom sloppy seconds is just fine...?

1. "...I ended up sleeping with a colleague after a drunken night out..."

Confirming what you know above re point 1, i.e. that he's a bit of a dirty dog, not very far underneath it all.

1. "...and have ended up loving him in a way I have never loved someone before."

Every single relationship starts out like this, both illicit and legitimate. Every time two people connect, it's like 'nothing they've experienced before'. Of course ... because they've never been in a relationship with that person before. What you're describing is nothing more or less than bog-standard, everyday falling in like/lust/love. It's being played out across the planet every single day.

My husband is now with his ow after months of stringing us both along. I saw their texts they had never been so in love etc, etc. my husband only left because he had no other option in the end I kicked him out. He said he'd have to go and live with her as he can't be on his own. They've been together 6 months. What his 'true love' doesn't know is when he's back here he tells me he misses me, says he's not happy. Made biggest mistake of his life. I'm sure there are many relationships that start as affairs that do work. But they're based on lies and deceit so have far more challenges. I never thought I'd feel sorry for stbx's other woman but I do. She might feel triumphant but I know he'd be back like a shot if I let him. It's not just the wives that get lied to in these situations. I've witnessed the other woman in my case being the victim of a master manipulator too.

He's never going to leave her. Or if he does, it won't be for you. Walk away.

OP I have a thread on here detailing the fallout from my partner's fling with a colleague. I have never felt such pain in my life. Their affair is over but daily I have to deal with my rage and paranoia and the fact that the OW is quite clearly seeing how the land lies in the hope I throw him out and she can be with him again.

If you really love him, as you say you do, let him go. Clichéd but it's the decent thing to do. Give them the space to work it out. Find yourself a man who is available and can commit to you properly.

Seriously OP, you say you're heartbroken but you have no concept of just how destroyed I feel, and all the other women who have posted on this board who have been through this.

op I haven't read all the comments. . but being the wife and having spoken to the ow .. It is the same crap they all say... "me and the wife aren't getting along " , " we only went on holiday for the kids sake" , we don't sleep together" ... complete and utter bs. I ended up throwing my husband out, he was with ow for a while , but they split too :-) she couldn't trust him. Getting involved with a mm is a disaster all round, many lives are destroyed. In all honesty if I met a man that was married I would walk away.. I couldn't inflict the pain that I went through on anyone.

My husband is now with his ow after months of stringing us both along. I saw their texts they had never been so in love etc, etc. my husband only left because he had no other option in the end I kicked him out. He said he'd have to go and live with her as he can't be on his own. They've been together 6 months. What his 'true love' doesn't know is when he's back here he tells me he misses me, says he's not happy. Made biggest mistake of his life. I'm sure there are many relationships that start as affairs that do work. But they're based on lies and deceit so have far more challenges. I never thought I'd feel sorry for stbx's other woman but I do. She might feel triumphant but I know he'd be back like a shot if I let him. It's not just the wives that get lied to in these situations. I've witnessed the other woman in my case being the victim of a master manipulator too.

OnMyOwn, this happens more^ than people realise. Once the Man is living with the OW, the tables are turned:- the OW (in the eyes of the man) becomes the boring, everyday 'routine' one - and the wife, who he sees occasionally, because of child contact, turns into the 'exciting' one.

It's funny in a way.^

And not to spook any OW tht have 'caught' (yuck) their man and got^ him to live with them.
But, I became friends (through a support group), with a group of divorced women who's husbands had left them to be with someone else. And it is VERY common for some women to dress up to the nines (or go the other way and dress very skimpily), when they know that EXH is coming to pick up the kids.^
I didn't, (was glad to be rid of him in the end), but a lot do.