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Original poster

Another heartbroken OW...

155 replies

HeartbrokenOW · 27/08/2014 17:12

So I’m going to bite the bullet and brave the flaming that is all too common on these threads. I’m in a bad place right now and it won’t help.

I separated from my DH nearly two years ago. We had been together for 15 years. We were good at being parents and good at being companions but I think we both wanted more. We have 3 young children and the split has been about as amicable as these things can be and we are on good terms. At the beginning of the year I ended up sleeping with a colleague after a drunken night out and we drifted into an affair. He fell for me quite quickly and I gradually followed and have ended up loving him in a way I have never loved someone before. No one has ever made me feel as loved as he has. We both fell head over heels.

Just a few months after we started my MM told his wife he was unhappy. She didn’t want him to leave and he agreed to try to work on his marriage with counselling. He told me that he had been unhappy for years but it had never ever occurred to him to separate until he met me. He felt that he needed to try to make his marriage work for the sake of the kids (three teenagers, one at uni). He ended it with me but the affair very quickly started again (days). We fell deeper and deeper into our relationship. A couple of weeks ago he told his wife he was leaving and went to stay at a friend’s house with the intention of trying to find somewhere to live asap. However my elation has turned to heartbreak when two days later he told me that he didn’t think he could go through with it and he felt he had to try one last time with his wife. He said he hadn’t tried properly before as was carrying on with me. He has said he loves me but needs a clear head so he can make a committed decision one way or another and has therefore said no contact.

I am hurting so much. I have fallen for this man completely. On the one hand I recognise that his actions are probably honourable in that if there is anything salvageable in his marriage then he should salvage it as there are children involved. At first I didn’t consider his DW’s feeling if I am honest but I have as time progressed. He has a nice family life and he has never described her negatively. He has always said that their marriage is dead and has been for many years. I do completely believe he loves me and he has said many times that he has never felt for someone the way he does for me. So I guess part of me feels that he is potentially robbing her of a chance to be with someone that loves her properly rather than someone who is staying with her for the sake of the children. Already he is not the man she thinks he is as he has had a long affair. I have read other affair discussions on here and I have heard all the views of the MM’s devastated wife.

I know that there will be the usual lines on here that I could never trust him, our relationship has been built on lies, if he’s done it once he’ll do it again etc etc. FWIW – I don’t believe in any of that. The MM is a decent man. It is something that just happened. People fall in love, fall out of love, fall in love with someone else. Shit happens particularly as they got together when young. Of course all along we’ve had the free will to end it but our feelings for each other have done nothing but intensify. If he truly loves his wife then I will lick my wounds and wish him the best of luck. However I don’t believe he does. I think he possibly confused the pain of leaving and guilt for love. I think the sense that he was leaving for me rather than because of a dead marriage compounded that guilt.

But it still leaves me with a broken heart and the reality that we still have to see each other all the time at work. It leaves me desperate to contact and talk to him, to know what’s going on, to understand, but having to try to respect his request for space. I would really like to hear from those who have been in my position, either as the MW or the OW (PM me if you prefer). If your relationship ultimately worked out – did you or your MM wobble time and time again? Did you/he try to work on his marriage? How long were you together before the making a go of it? I would also like to hear from those for whom it didn't work out – how did you move on with a broken heart? Particularly if (as I suspect is often the case) you work together? How do I stop myself contacting him? I am itching to but he has asked for no contact and I have to respect that.

Woe - that was longer than I intended! But hey, rather than drip feed...

OP posts:
LiveAndLetDie · 27/08/2014 21:01

I also wanted to hear from those for whom it has worked out

OP my BIL (DH's brother) had an affair and left his wife and children for her. They got married and had 2 kids together. They were together for over 10 years. They both were having affairs, and are now divorced. They're both with now with other people and have more kids to their new spouses. So whilst it may work out for a while, there's no telling whether history will just carry on repeating itself.

Original poster
HeartbrokenOW · 27/08/2014 21:03

In terms of my breaking his request for no contact. We have had a 9 month affair where we have messaged each other throughout the day every day. It has been hard to let go of that. He told me he wanted to spend the rest of his life with me two weeks ago. He couldn't go through with it and I have to accept that. I don't think it was that unreasonable of me to tell him how I was feeling in the first few days given the height from which I was dropped. If I were to continue then, yes, no doubt he will definitely run a mile further than he has done already. I love him and believed he loved me. I accept that he doesn't love me enough or at least he doesn't know whether he does.

Fossil - thanks. I'm trying to keep busy. I've thrown myself into exercise and have a series of events to train for. It's just hard trying to pull myself together and focus on kids and work when I'm broken inside.

OP posts:
Secretblackandmidnighthag · 27/08/2014 21:04

Freudian I know, it's quite something, isn't it? The fact that three broken hearted children wouldn't taint her happiness at all. And she would be their stepmother. My god.

BloodontheTracks · 27/08/2014 21:10

I appreciate that it's hard, Heart, as I said. I would expect you to had been in daily contact and to have said all those things to each other. That is what happens in affairs. What I was commenting on was you didn't even make a side-note that it was an unhelpful or unkind thing to do to the other people involved. It does not diminish your suffering to do this, or mention it. It indicates an ability to see outside your own pain. It shows your humanity. The fact that you still didn't even do that in your explanation above is also sad. The extent of your regret is, 'If I were to continue then, yes, no doubt he will definitely run a mile further than he has done already.' All about you and how you would be sabotaging your own cause, to claw away your man.

As I said, I really do feel sympathy for you pain. And I am sorry your heart has been broken so recently and so desperately. Where is your sympathy for the others involved?

Aren't you a little ashamed by that?

sweetnessandlite · 27/08/2014 21:10

OW don't care about the welfare of the MM's children. Wha'ts between OW's legs comes first.

Yes, that is blunt. But it's the truth.

OwlCapone · 27/08/2014 21:11

I read the thread title and thought "good."

FoxInTheDesert · 27/08/2014 21:12

I don't see any remorse in your posts or any shame. Are you not ashamed of what you have done? Sleeping with a married man, and on top of that hoping he will leave his family for you? Do you have any idea how much hurt and damage it will cost? And so what if he throws away his happiness for his family? It's not your business. How do you know if that will make him unhappy or not? He's already caused enough damage by cheating on his wife with you. He has made a decision, leave him alone and find someone who is single.

BloodontheTracks · 27/08/2014 21:12

I'm sorry for shaming. I'm just really surprised you're not using your own heartbreak to aid your understanding of the heartbreak of him and his wife right now, and even in this 'positive future' you imagine. you'll be okay. Rebuild. Try and be kind. Something's got a bit lost in all this and it feels like you need to refind yourself.

Original poster
HeartbrokenOW · 27/08/2014 21:21

I appreciate I haven't expressed remorse here. I do feel it and wish it had never happened. I appreciate that a lot of people are getting hurt. I can't turn the clock back.

I'm not a bad person. I appreciate my actions have been poor. I suppose I believe that the damage has already been done and yes I should have thought of that before. It's out of my hands now anyway. That doesn't mean I don't feel responsibility and guilt for starting it

OP posts:
F0ssil · 27/08/2014 21:27

Sad stories here. Always the women (either OW or DWs in pain though) the pain don't feel pain because they're choosing between two women

Original poster
HeartbrokenOW · 27/08/2014 21:31

Maybe they do feel pain fossil but it's a different pain. They have guilt, indecision, and being torn in two directions. But yes, they feel they have a future partner whichever path they take. The ow / dw faces the pain and hurt of being alone and lost dreams and hopes for the future

OP posts:
Beastofburden · 27/08/2014 21:37

If he is going to work seriously on his marriage then he needs to not keep looking over his shoulder and seeing you the as a back up option. That's what he has told you and that is what you now ought to respect. Not so much for the wife, but for the children.

New jobs are not easy to find. But perhaps you can get a secondment to another part of the world for a year or two.

I know you are thinking that perhaps he would be happier with you, so it is a shame to make him compromise. But I am afraid that his happiness is not really the most important thing. It is more important to protect his children. He does not belong at the centre of the universe.

HanselandGretel · 27/08/2014 21:39

For 'wants space' read - 'I want you to go away quietly now that I have decided to work on my marriage which wasn't all that dead after all when I realized the error of my ways. I'm relieved my wife hasn't found out, I could really have blown my marriage apart and messed up my kids lives, What the hell was I thinking. Please God, don't let OW turn into Glenn Close'

AnyFucker · 27/08/2014 21:41

But yes, they feel they have a future partner whichever path they take

Which is why, if either women had any nowse, they would both kick the cheating shit into the middle of next week. That rarely happens though, sadly. For some unfathomable reason they seem to think men like this are a prize worth fighting for.

StackladysMorphicResonator · 27/08/2014 21:44

I'm not a bad person

Hmm

If you aren't a bad person then MOVE ON and cease your previous shitty behaviour! Have you no shame, no self-worth, no pride? This man is no prize - I know you said that love has 'grown' between you, but honestly, how can you say this? You've never lived together, picked up his dirty socks, experienced the ins and outs of daily life - it's all been excitement and illicit trysts! Messaging one another multiple times every day is all part of that 'new relationship' loveliness, with added spice from the wrongness of it all.

What you have is NOT love, it's infatuation, and you owe it to yourself (and your MM's wife) to see through it and let it go.

sweetnessandlite · 27/08/2014 21:46

We are wasting our time.
OP is living in a fairy tale dream world.

Original poster
HeartbrokenOW · 27/08/2014 21:50

I would consider moving away if I could. However I can't move away very far so my ex can still be involved in his children's lives.

Before someone says what about the mm and his children - he would remain living close to them too.

OP posts:
magoria · 27/08/2014 21:55

He has told you he is trying with his wife and you are thinking about where you/he would live if he dumped her.

Can you really not see how wrong that is?

Stop living your life in limbo over a man who is already in a relationship. This to-ing and fro-ing could continue for years. Wasting your life when you could find a single man to have a proper relationship with.

Original poster
HeartbrokenOW · 27/08/2014 21:59

You misinterpreted me there. It's not what I meant.

OP posts:
sweetnessandlite · 27/08/2014 21:59

Op, stop being a Loser - who is trying to acqire another woman's Husband.
Have a bit of Dignity - and get your own,.

BloodontheTracks · 27/08/2014 22:03

OP, the thread will turn purely vitriolic now simply because it has no momentum unless you take it in another direction. The fact that no one is posting long detailed explanations of getting together with OMs is it seems actually counter to what's in your best interests right now, to detach from him, thoughts of being with him and embark on a life of new independence and attempts at growth and understanding of what you did and how you can now be your better self. This thread indicates you actually are not ready / don't want to move in that direction, so without that course, this thread will become toxic and unhelpful. What do you want to do now?

sweetnessandlite · 27/08/2014 22:05

Yeah, we are really vitriolitic

Daisychain5 · 27/08/2014 22:07

He doesn't love you enough. Simple and obvious I'm afraid. The end .

sweetnessandlite · 27/08/2014 22:09

OP, my ex DH did the dirty on me (with someone like you) AND i almost cheated on someone, so I am qualified to talk.
As far as ME cheating.
I couldnt do it. It would have beeb cheating on my FAMILY.

my husband cheating?
All I can say is, all the time he was shagging OW, He WAS shagging me as well (despite the BS story he was telling her).

AnyFucker · 27/08/2014 22:10

Actually, Blood is right. The thread has lost whatever little momentum it had at the beginning. Best that OP leaves it alone so it dies a death. No further good will come of it, IMO. (no, OP, I am not trying to shut you up, I have seen lots of threads like this and if you think this is bad, you ain't seen nothin' yet)