Another heartbroken OW...

[HeartbrokenOW]

So I’m going to bite the bullet and brave the flaming that is all too common on these threads. I’m in a bad place right now and it won’t help.

I separated from my DH nearly two years ago. We had been together for 15 years. We were good at being parents and good at being companions but I think we both wanted more. We have 3 young children and the split has been about as amicable as these things can be and we are on good terms. At the beginning of the year I ended up sleeping with a colleague after a drunken night out and we drifted into an affair. He fell for me quite quickly and I gradually followed and have ended up loving him in a way I have never loved someone before. No one has ever made me feel as loved as he has. We both fell head over heels.

Just a few months after we started my MM told his wife he was unhappy. She didn’t want him to leave and he agreed to try to work on his marriage with counselling. He told me that he had been unhappy for years but it had never ever occurred to him to separate until he met me. He felt that he needed to try to make his marriage work for the sake of the kids (three teenagers, one at uni). He ended it with me but the affair very quickly started again (days). We fell deeper and deeper into our relationship. A couple of weeks ago he told his wife he was leaving and went to stay at a friend’s house with the intention of trying to find somewhere to live asap. However my elation has turned to heartbreak when two days later he told me that he didn’t think he could go through with it and he felt he had to try one last time with his wife. He said he hadn’t tried properly before as was carrying on with me. He has said he loves me but needs a clear head so he can make a committed decision one way or another and has therefore said no contact.

I am hurting so much. I have fallen for this man completely. On the one hand I recognise that his actions are probably honourable in that if there is anything salvageable in his marriage then he should salvage it as there are children involved. At first I didn’t consider his DW’s feeling if I am honest but I have as time progressed. He has a nice family life and he has never described her negatively. He has always said that their marriage is dead and has been for many years. I do completely believe he loves me and he has said many times that he has never felt for someone the way he does for me. So I guess part of me feels that he is potentially robbing her of a chance to be with someone that loves her properly rather than someone who is staying with her for the sake of the children. Already he is not the man she thinks he is as he has had a long affair. I have read other affair discussions on here and I have heard all the views of the MM’s devastated wife.

I know that there will be the usual lines on here that I could never trust him, our relationship has been built on lies, if he’s done it once he’ll do it again etc etc. FWIW – I don’t believe in any of that. The MM is a decent man. It is something that just happened. People fall in love, fall out of love, fall in love with someone else. Shit happens particularly as they got together when young. Of course all along we’ve had the free will to end it but our feelings for each other have done nothing but intensify. If he truly loves his wife then I will lick my wounds and wish him the best of luck. However I don’t believe he does. I think he possibly confused the pain of leaving and guilt for love. I think the sense that he was leaving for me rather than because of a dead marriage compounded that guilt.

But it still leaves me with a broken heart and the reality that we still have to see each other all the time at work. It leaves me desperate to contact and talk to him, to know what’s going on, to understand, but having to try to respect his request for space. I would really like to hear from those who have been in my position, either as the MW or the OW (PM me if you prefer). If your relationship ultimately worked out – did you or your MM wobble time and time again? Did you/he try to work on his marriage? How long were you together before the making a go of it? I would also like to hear from those for whom it didn't work out – how did you move on with a broken heart? Particularly if (as I suspect is often the case) you work together? How do I stop myself contacting him? I am itching to but he has asked for no contact and I have to respect that.

Woe - that was longer than I intended! But hey, rather than drip feed...

It's not important. That's the point. Of COURSE people think about leaving their partners and of COURSE sometime people say they want to leave and then regret it in the moment. Of course things are complicated. Nothing is black and white. And I actually think you are being incredibly delusional about the feedback you've received, almost all of which is empathetic, sound advice, not black and white at all.

What YOU don't' seem to understand is that the moment where the OM looks at his wife and family and thinks to himself 'yes, i've done the right thing' by staying and feels the possibility of love for her and some hope for rebuilding their future after he neglected the marriage (because having an affair and considering having an affair IS neglecting and 'killing' the marriage which he/you n ow claim is 'dead') has JUST AS MUCH VALIDITY as any love or truth that you claim to know. It has more because his actions and decisions bear out that choice, over and adobe choosing you. Therefore, it doesn't MATTER if your affair had meaning or if he occasionally thinks of you, that is just vanity and the truth of past relationships.

you are trying to make this a theoretical thread about 'why people have affairs' and that is just going to get boring and messy with the same old 'unmet needs' vs 'selfishness and entitled' that gets trotted out from everyone according to their own experience. The truth is affairs happen all along that spectrum. But the point is, if you are going to be a decent person, which I hope you are, your affair has one thing about it that defines it. IT IS OVER. STOP.

it is over op. the contents of his head are not your affair and you can never know his motivations. he is a closed book. all you have is his actions.

he doesn't want to talk to you and is trying again with his wife.

that's all there is to it, you need to close this chapter and move on.

people on this thread are reminding you that he is almost definitely lying to you etc. etc. simply because they want to make it easier for you to move on. we are trying to do you a kindness by pointing out to you how obvious it is that this is just another sordid, horrid affair, like all the others.

Yes he could be stringing lies but maybe it is also possible that he is genuinely torn between me and his family?

what on earth does it matter?
either way, he's told you to leave him alone, so do so, and concentrate on yourself.

this situation has shown that your boundaries and empathy are extraordinarily poor. you are not ready for a relationship. you need to ask yourself some very hard questions, do not waste this time weeping and wailing about a MM. you are worth more than this.

Do you honestly think that if he is trying again with his wife (twice now) that they didn't/aren't having any sex during that trying?

Of course you believe he's a decent honourable man, that he loves you and that his marriage has been dead for years. Has there ever been an OW who accepts that the cheating spouse is actually a liar who's still regularly sleeping with his wife?

I think he's spun you a line and you've fallen for it. I'd be quite surprised if his wife even knew he'd temporarily left her. I think he's going to wait until you are frantic for contact before telling you that she's threatened to hurt herself if he leaves her and their children have threatened to cut contact, so your 'relationship' must remain a secret. And I think you're going to fall for it and waste the next ten years of your life being used and lied to.

"Yes he could be stringing lies but maybe it is also possible that he is genuinely torn between me and his family?"

For fuck's sake! He might have been on the horns of a dilemma but now he's made his decision to stay with his wife and children.

Your affair is OVER. He's told you it's OVER. You need to start listening before you drive yourself mad and waste your life. You've wasted a fair bit of it already, please don't waste any more time and energy on this completely dishonourable arsehole.

Why don't you think about the example that you are setting your three young children? Where do they fit in???

A MM with grown up/teenage children is unlikely to want to take small children again.

I have no respect for someone this desperate who will shovel everyone else aside just to have a man, and some "man" you have picked. Do the decent thing and leave him to be, it's clearly what he wants at the end of the day.

Everyone saying the same thing is not people 'black and white', OP. It's called you being blind to what's important. When everyone says the same thing, with compassion even when that's hard for them, like here, it means listen.

Oh OP... :(

Let me ask you this... if his marriage is dead, why is he so determined to try to revive it? It's either finished or it isn't...

I think you're very much in danger - or guilty - of filling in the 'gaps'. For example, when he went back to his wife, you see this as 'honourable'. It would have been more honourable if he'd never left her in the first place, never started up with you. I think you're seeing this that aren't there. Some things just ARE black or white. It's doing yourself a horrible disservice to smudge them into some kind of grey when they aren't.

I do have sympathy for you, you sound very upset. It is ALWAYS the women who seem to be hurt so badly by affairs. Men seem to glide through them without a backward glance once they've decided to end them. Do you actually KNOW that he has told his wife that he wanted to leave, etc? I mean really KNOW IT, not just regurgitate what he has told you he said to her?

He's not torn, OP. If he were torn then he wouldn't be at home now, would he, because he wouldn't be able to face being there or with you, he'd be on his own sorting out his head and the direction of his future life.

I believe that he has feelings for you; only an imbecile would risk their marriage for no reason at all.

Take this opportunity of 'no contact' to wean yourself off him so that his presence in your life has less of a priority. That is the best advice that I can give you - other than never let yourself slide into this scenario ever, ever again, it's too painful.

Never make someone a priority when all you are to them is an option.

He's the kind of man who shags other women on work nights out, a real catch!

It's sounds like he's lying to himself as well as you. He dipped his drunken wick at an office party, but I don't think MM quite liked the idea of himself as a drunken sleaze, so decided to persuade himself that he was in love (and get you to 'fall in love') too. Then comes the bullshit: marriage has been dead for years, so unhappy, never felt like this till I met you, and on and on and on. I don't blame you for falling for this, I imagine he made you feel very special. But it's the cheating man's script to the final letter.

And let's face it - he hasn't chosen you. For all the 'i love you' and 'I've never felt like this' and the two of you against the world...he hasn't chosen you. He is back with his wife and children. It's over. A sad little fantasy spun by a faithless shitbag, and he's done with it now. It's fucking horrible, but you have to move on.

Let's say he's genuinely torn (even though he's never met anyone like you) then the most you can hope to achieve if he sways your way is 51% of his heart. Is that enough for you?

ignore them all OP this is exactly what happened to me many many years ago. all I can say is the 'if he's done it to her he'll do it to you' crap is just that. twenty five years later we are still head over heals ...BUT my advice is : don't chase, send a text or two, no more. let him know how you feel and if it's meant to be, then it will happen. if you are in for the long haul, the divorce, the financial shenanigans, the contact issues, the devastated children..then be prepared. it's a rocky Rocky horrendous ride..do you want that ? are you prepared for the OH crippling guilt, are you that sure and that strong ? Then if it's meant to be then sit back and wait. if it's not, then it simply won't happen. I hope you find the happiness that's out there for you. Xx

As hard as I try (not much to be honest) I have zero sympathy. I sincerely hope you DO feel like shit..... remember this and learn your lesson you silly girl.

I hope you find the happiness that's out there for you

Sassy Perhaps you could extend the same sentiment to this man's wife and family

I am reading this and do hear what you're saying. Believe me I do. But I'm sorry I don't believe that everyone that gets into an affair is a bastard and serial adulterer. Just as I don't believe I'm a complete heartless mug. Yes it was wrong of us both to get into the affair and I retract the 'it just happened' At first it was a bit of fun for me and I admit that I didn't particularly think of the bigger picture or those involved (of course I see that now and do have empathy for those involved). However what started as physical developed into something more - on both sides no matter what you say. I do not believe he fabricated those emotions. I think it was the falling in love bit that neither of us predicted.

I also do accept that he's made his choice and at the end of the day, I have no choice but to accept that and not contact him. I don't have the option to change jobs to be able to completely not see him which will make moving on harder.

Is there anyone who ended up with their mm that can talk to me about their experience? I am getting a rather one-sided view here and yes, I do understand why I am getting that view.

Sassy that sounds like an incredibly hard way to have lived many years of your lives. Devastating others, crippled by guilt. And all could have been avoided.

I asked you whether you knew for sure that he'd told his wife that he wanted out; do you know?

There are some who ended up with their MM, OP. Perhaps they will pop onto the thread at some point. But what's the point? If yours has told you that it's over then how will hearing of others' experiences of 'success' be any kind of salve for you?

Many of us have been where you are and know that this is painful for you. I was very young, single (and stupid) when I had my affair. It was the single most heart-wrenching experience of my life and I'll never repeat it. I believe that women having affairs have a tendency to reading into the situation and misinterpreting what they see there.

You're actually getting a very balanced set of responses here. What you're not seeing are 'success stories' and that is what you want to read. Please don't disregard what other people are saying to you though.

Is there anyone who ended up with their mm that can talk to me about their experience? I am getting a rather one-sided view here

That's my que to bugger off....... don't think I could cope with them all coming out of the woodwork and comparing notes with you

OP, if you want to cling to the man and ruminate about how things could be if he would come back to you, then i think you have come to the wrong place.

i am sure there are many fora on the internet devoted to OW talking about MM. you are only going to get a pasting here, and anyone who posts telling you how woooonderful life is with their MM is going to get a pasting too, so i doubt you'll get much of the feedback you want.

fact is, he's not with you, and has chosen his wife over you. when someone shows you who they are believe it. don't cling to the fantasy.

Not sure what you want from this thread. Can't feel any sympathy for you.

What is the point of anyone who ended up with their mm talking to you? What use is that?

You haven't. Cold hard light of the day whatever he felt for you he decided to try again with his wife. For a second time.

Poor bloody cow deserves so much better than a sleazy husband happy to have a drunken fuck and risk her sexual health.

Isn't it better that you get people telling you how to move on?

I’m not going to judge you op. Affairs are IMO rarely black and white and while it’s easy to see from the outside where the wrongs lie when you’re in the middle it’s all too easy to get drawn in. If it was as simple as just not getting involved then around 60% of the population (both men and women, the numbers are about equal) wouldn’t cheat on their partners. But...

Regardless of how in love you think you might have been, he no longer wants to be with you. Yes it’s entirely possible that he was genuinely torn between you, that having the affair made him open his eyes to the issues he had in his marriage,
However it’s also entirely likely that his eyes being opened made him realise what he stood to lose if he carried on with the affair, and as such he realised that an affair just wasn’t worth losing his wife and children.

We’ve all been in the position of “never felt like this before,” but even when it’s a legitimate relationship, that feeling of utter love/need/desire is infatuation/lust which eventually, with time and nurturing, grows into deep and meaningful love – the kind that lasting relationships are made of. But it takes time to build that kind of relationship, and it is not built on lies and deceit.

If you and this man are meant to be together and his marriage is genuinely over then in time you could build a relationship when, and only when, he has left his wife.

It’s not wrong to end an unhappy marriage. But it is wrong to end it because of an affair. Regardless of how unhappy the marriage is, the affair is never justified – even if it is the symptom of unhappiness rather than the cause.

And think about whether you really could be happy knowing that you are building that happiness on someone else’s unhappiness. Is your love for one another worth being judged by your closest family and friends? Shunned by friends who think you might run off with their husband next? The hatred of his children who will never accept you because you are the woman who broke up their parents’ marriage? They are after all old enough to be told the truth...

I don’t believe that everyone who gets into an affair is a bastard. But regardless of the feelings involved it doesn’t justify the deception/hurt caused.

Nor do I believe the “if he could do it with you he will do it to you” line, many people have affairs and do bitterly regret them. But the fact that someone is capable of that level of deception, and that you have been a part of it will make building a legitimate relationship much harder. Mistrust wil exist and trust will take time to build regardless of how in love you are and believe you want to be together. When he goes out you will wonder where he is. When he picks up his phone you will wonder who he’s texting. If he mentions another woman’s name you will wonder whether he has feelings for her. The relationship starts out with mistrust – he has lied to his wife and he has lied to you. He will have been having sex with his wife and telling you they don’t sleep together. You know what he’s capable of and that won’t escape your notice when you’re together permanently.

Thank you sassy. Over the first few days i sent a few messages. I wrote a long heartfelt email a few days afterwards. I have stopped since, he reiterated he needs space. - I am trying to accept that if he loves me then it is meant to be. It's completely out of my control anyway so I just have to wait and see what happens. It just hurts.

I am prepared for the long haul if he ultimately decides to leave and know it won't be easy. People will be hurt. But these people may well be hurt already if his marriage is over. He has ended things with me. If he subsequently leaves his marriage he is not leaving for me. I do accept that I was the catalyst though. Here's a lot of ifs there. What happens from here is between him and his wife