Another heartbroken OW...

[HeartbrokenOW]

So I’m going to bite the bullet and brave the flaming that is all too common on these threads. I’m in a bad place right now and it won’t help.

I separated from my DH nearly two years ago. We had been together for 15 years. We were good at being parents and good at being companions but I think we both wanted more. We have 3 young children and the split has been about as amicable as these things can be and we are on good terms. At the beginning of the year I ended up sleeping with a colleague after a drunken night out and we drifted into an affair. He fell for me quite quickly and I gradually followed and have ended up loving him in a way I have never loved someone before. No one has ever made me feel as loved as he has. We both fell head over heels.

Just a few months after we started my MM told his wife he was unhappy. She didn’t want him to leave and he agreed to try to work on his marriage with counselling. He told me that he had been unhappy for years but it had never ever occurred to him to separate until he met me. He felt that he needed to try to make his marriage work for the sake of the kids (three teenagers, one at uni). He ended it with me but the affair very quickly started again (days). We fell deeper and deeper into our relationship. A couple of weeks ago he told his wife he was leaving and went to stay at a friend’s house with the intention of trying to find somewhere to live asap. However my elation has turned to heartbreak when two days later he told me that he didn’t think he could go through with it and he felt he had to try one last time with his wife. He said he hadn’t tried properly before as was carrying on with me. He has said he loves me but needs a clear head so he can make a committed decision one way or another and has therefore said no contact.

I am hurting so much. I have fallen for this man completely. On the one hand I recognise that his actions are probably honourable in that if there is anything salvageable in his marriage then he should salvage it as there are children involved. At first I didn’t consider his DW’s feeling if I am honest but I have as time progressed. He has a nice family life and he has never described her negatively. He has always said that their marriage is dead and has been for many years. I do completely believe he loves me and he has said many times that he has never felt for someone the way he does for me. So I guess part of me feels that he is potentially robbing her of a chance to be with someone that loves her properly rather than someone who is staying with her for the sake of the children. Already he is not the man she thinks he is as he has had a long affair. I have read other affair discussions on here and I have heard all the views of the MM’s devastated wife.

I know that there will be the usual lines on here that I could never trust him, our relationship has been built on lies, if he’s done it once he’ll do it again etc etc. FWIW – I don’t believe in any of that. The MM is a decent man. It is something that just happened. People fall in love, fall out of love, fall in love with someone else. Shit happens particularly as they got together when young. Of course all along we’ve had the free will to end it but our feelings for each other have done nothing but intensify. If he truly loves his wife then I will lick my wounds and wish him the best of luck. However I don’t believe he does. I think he possibly confused the pain of leaving and guilt for love. I think the sense that he was leaving for me rather than because of a dead marriage compounded that guilt.

But it still leaves me with a broken heart and the reality that we still have to see each other all the time at work. It leaves me desperate to contact and talk to him, to know what’s going on, to understand, but having to try to respect his request for space. I would really like to hear from those who have been in my position, either as the MW or the OW (PM me if you prefer). If your relationship ultimately worked out – did you or your MM wobble time and time again? Did you/he try to work on his marriage? How long were you together before the making a go of it? I would also like to hear from those for whom it didn't work out – how did you move on with a broken heart? Particularly if (as I suspect is often the case) you work together? How do I stop myself contacting him? I am itching to but he has asked for no contact and I have to respect that.

Woe - that was longer than I intended! But hey, rather than drip feed...

HEART, can't you see how frustrating you are being? Firstly, you have HAD account from people who have ended up with OM, interesting and useful as they are. Of course there are many more, and varied, but don't suck other people's experiences out of them without really turning any meaningful insight on yourself. You 'have no choice to accept' his decision? Why the hell aren't you making that decision on your own terms, because you want to be someone better than you have been? Why isn't it YOUR decision to leave him be and work on your own life, so that whatever happens you are not passively waiting and are not actively destructive? Don't you want to be someone who wants to move on and wants actively to let him explore his decision and work it out at home? You sound like you would be off with him in a shot, given the chance. Which is okay I guess but a very very difficult road, as the poster above points out, and extremely self-centered.

I have nothing against you, I've had an affair myself and have no moral judgement. But you're coming across as pre-emptively dismissive of people here who are actually being pretty helpful and unflamey for the most part and like you know what you want to hear which is frustrating.

The majority of the posts here say nothing LIKE , 'everyone that gets into an affair is a bastard and serial adulterer'. You are being incredibly provocative, boringly obvious and setting up a total straw man by implying that they are. Also, using this as a way to fantasize about the possibility of ending up with your OM by asking people to talk about their own experiences comes across as sad (considering he has made his choice, as you point out) and faintly masturbatory. As if you seek to replace your contact with him with us here, to give you images and fantasies of your future.

yy Blood... it's quite rude really.

I'm with thestamp on this.
Forget the love you two supposedly have now.
Go back to the fact of his actions; he slept with you when he didn't love you.
That is the kind of man he is.
(and you didn't cover yourself in glory there either)
I'd think about that when you're trying to get over him. He's just another lying cheating arsehole.

Wannabe - thanks. Your response is far more constructive than a lot here. I am listening to the rest of you. Surely I'm allowed to counter? There are a few very vitriolic posts on here too

No contact.

Give him no contact. If he really really does feel deeply for you, then this is when he will realise it, and he'll be back.

In the meantime, don't pin all your hopes on that happening. Keep busy. Work, social life, family....anything. This will (very slowly) make him a smaller part of your thoughts.

It will also:
a) make you a more attractive, lively person to be with, than a desperate, clingy sort of sap (sorry!)....and
b) put you in a better place to gradually move in with your life, should he actually manage to make a success of his marriage.

I've read many many OW threads here since I joined MN. I wasn't one but my ex husband left me for one some time ago.

Any way I guess she did the same sort of thing you're doing now, all the time I was fighting to save my marriage in couples therapy, trying to get my head around what the fuck I had to do to understand what was going on.

Why don't you simply cut the smoke and mirror stuff and just say what you're thinking? Which I imagine is "I hope to christ he can't stand it and leaves his wife and family for me".

It ain't pretty but it's a lot more honest.

I'm sorry, but real love is honesty, commitment, loyalty, respect, friendship... The rest is just smoke and mirrors. Please don't be naive.

You are allowed to do whatever you want. I am very very sorry for your broken heart and I do understand that is painful.

But the vitriolic posts are entirely to be expected given the context, as you 'bravely' (controllingly) pre-empted in your original post. Why are you countering? Because you don't believe everyone who has an affair is an evil villain? Of course they aren't. You're picking a fight where's none of substance. It's almost like you want to have that fight because that's one you could win. Why don't you stop focusing on others and be honest with yourself. What are you here FOR?

X-post Freudian

Exactly, Freud. The reason you seem to be here is to find out if there's any hope your OM will leave for you and to find support for that outcome.

Is that fair? At least be honest with yourself and us, OP. It's time to be honest.

Partridge

surely I'm allowed to counter? There are a few very vitriolic posts on here too

oh my dear.

why don't you go and tell all your family and friends about what you've done? see if they respond better?

i'm sorry but you are living in fantasy land. if you think this thread is vitriolic, wait until the world knows you slept with a married man on a drunk night out without a thought of his wife and children. then you'll know vitriol.

I am not saying that to be judgey btw - i just really, really think you need a reality check if you say you are ready for the long haul with this guy, yet think THIS thread is vitriolic. you are going to need a much thicker skin.

all the best, you'll need it. I'm bowing out, you're clearly committed to your own unhappiness.

Over the first few days i sent a few messages. I wrote a long heartfelt email a few days afterwards. I have stopped since, he reiterated he needs space.

I think it's bad that he wants to work on his marriage, and yet you are continually trying to contact him.
Clingy or what.

You do realise that the main reason he probably started an affair with you in the first place was because:
OW are seen to be free and easy and don't nag and cling. Wives have the unfair rap of being like that.

But, at the moment - it seems like the tables have turned.
In his eyes, his wife is being the normal one, and you are the one that's acting like an unhinged, clingy, stalky, bunny-boiler.
quite funny and poetic justice if it weren't so tragic

I had to chip in OP with this: you're very wrong if you think posts on here have been vitriolic. I've read many OW threads on here and this has been the most polite I think I've ever read.

I'm not going to add comments about your situation because others have expressed my opinions to a tee. You do indeed sound as though you're in your own world with this.

HeartbrokenOW,I've been in a dead marriage as well so perhaps that's why I don't find it so hard to believe that he is in one. They certainly do exist. They aren't rare.

So when I read your story rather than leaping to assume he was lying, I thought he was a coward. neither is admirable I guess, but still, I feel for your pain.

Can you treat yourself to a break in the sun. Or something outside of your comfort zone? an abseiling course or something that will push you and increase your self-esteem.

x

The more I think about it - I think his wife is one smart cookie good for her
She is playing the LONG game.

Sorry OP, but It is what it is.

Leaving aside how pathetic is might be, I'm baffled as to why you aren't self-judging on that contact, OP. You say that you sent him texts and a 'heartfelt' email when he is TRYING to get over you and make it work with his family. And he then was forced to be in contact with you to reiterate that position. Don't you see that what you're doing is a form of bullying of him and destructive to his family? Even if you're hurting and it's hard for you, Don't you care that it's…wrong? Even just enough to say as much?

Feudian, partridge. I don't deny that I'm hoping that it won't work out for him at home. I guess I'm just hoping that he won't throw away what could be a happy future (ultimately) 'for the sake of the kids'. If he has a genuinely happy marriage then I don't want to break that up no matter how much it hurts me. I guess I just don't believe he does.

What did I want from posting? I don't know tbh. Part of me wanted to hear he reality check (which I've got) but yes, I also wanted to hear from those for whom it has worked out and from those that it hasn't. I suppose I wanted to hear hose stories. A few have pm'd me - predominantly they haven't worked out. Their advice for how they moved on and their experience is good to hear.

I'm not picking any fights. Just responding to some comments fwiw

But, at the moment - it seems like the tables have turned.
In his eyes, his wife is being the normal one, and you are the one that's acting like an unhinged, clingy, stalky, bunny-boiler.
quite funny and poetic justice if it weren't so tragic

In his eyes, she is the one who seems more stable.
Obviously he's going to stay with her.

My husband left me and the children for the OW so it does happen.
My children took it badly and for quite a while I woke up every morning wanting to kill myself.
Several months down the line I'm doing OK on antidepressants and sleeping pills, and the kids have adjusted reasonably well to being abandoned by their father.
My STBXH seems quite happy, presumably shagging the OW most nights. I assume she's worth the scorched earth he left behind.

It's sad you're hurt. But even if he wasn't married the end of an affair or relationship is painful. But it's all the usual lines of loving you but not being able to leave his wife. And marriage being dead for years/ He might as well be reading from a script. It's just such an old old line.

I also wanted to hear from those for whom it has worked out

OP, I DO know of one person who it worked out for. (albeit briefly)
She ended up living with her MM (disrupting and destroying the lives of 3 children in the process, but hey ho - you can't 'help you you fall in love with' sic)

But, 10 years down the line, I have heard from mutual friends that she hates his guts -
Why?
Probably because she is having to live with him on a daily basis (not half as exciting as an illicit affair). Just guessing here, but I think I'm not far off the mark.
They are in the process of getting divorced.

It doesn't all end in a fairy tale.

I'm not going to judge you, I've never been in your situation (and sincerely hope I never am). It would be wrong of me to judge you when I can't understand why you would want to be with someone who has the morals of an ant. I find it hard to comprehend being in a relationship with someone and knowing they're also married so therefore sleeping and loving someone else. I couldn't share the person I was in love in with, it would be to hard and I would choose to walk away out of self preservation.

That is something I do think you would be wise to do OP, just walk away. He will never leave his wife, and even if he does, do you really want to be wondering for the next 20 or so years if he's shagging someone else? There is definitely some truth in the saying - when a man marries his mistress he's creating a vacancy! Be kind to yourself and leave him alone, you can do better, for yourself and your children.

sleeping with*

^I guess Im just hoping that he won't throw away what could be a happy future (ultimately) 'for the sake of the kids'

Do you know what OP? You assume that happy future. You hope for that happy future. You dream of it, you imagine it, you can almost taste it but for those pesky, real, living breathing human beings who are his children.

That's you, that is.