Another heartbroken OW...

[HeartbrokenOW]

So I’m going to bite the bullet and brave the flaming that is all too common on these threads. I’m in a bad place right now and it won’t help.

I separated from my DH nearly two years ago. We had been together for 15 years. We were good at being parents and good at being companions but I think we both wanted more. We have 3 young children and the split has been about as amicable as these things can be and we are on good terms. At the beginning of the year I ended up sleeping with a colleague after a drunken night out and we drifted into an affair. He fell for me quite quickly and I gradually followed and have ended up loving him in a way I have never loved someone before. No one has ever made me feel as loved as he has. We both fell head over heels.

Just a few months after we started my MM told his wife he was unhappy. She didn’t want him to leave and he agreed to try to work on his marriage with counselling. He told me that he had been unhappy for years but it had never ever occurred to him to separate until he met me. He felt that he needed to try to make his marriage work for the sake of the kids (three teenagers, one at uni). He ended it with me but the affair very quickly started again (days). We fell deeper and deeper into our relationship. A couple of weeks ago he told his wife he was leaving and went to stay at a friend’s house with the intention of trying to find somewhere to live asap. However my elation has turned to heartbreak when two days later he told me that he didn’t think he could go through with it and he felt he had to try one last time with his wife. He said he hadn’t tried properly before as was carrying on with me. He has said he loves me but needs a clear head so he can make a committed decision one way or another and has therefore said no contact.

I am hurting so much. I have fallen for this man completely. On the one hand I recognise that his actions are probably honourable in that if there is anything salvageable in his marriage then he should salvage it as there are children involved. At first I didn’t consider his DW’s feeling if I am honest but I have as time progressed. He has a nice family life and he has never described her negatively. He has always said that their marriage is dead and has been for many years. I do completely believe he loves me and he has said many times that he has never felt for someone the way he does for me. So I guess part of me feels that he is potentially robbing her of a chance to be with someone that loves her properly rather than someone who is staying with her for the sake of the children. Already he is not the man she thinks he is as he has had a long affair. I have read other affair discussions on here and I have heard all the views of the MM’s devastated wife.

I know that there will be the usual lines on here that I could never trust him, our relationship has been built on lies, if he’s done it once he’ll do it again etc etc. FWIW – I don’t believe in any of that. The MM is a decent man. It is something that just happened. People fall in love, fall out of love, fall in love with someone else. Shit happens particularly as they got together when young. Of course all along we’ve had the free will to end it but our feelings for each other have done nothing but intensify. If he truly loves his wife then I will lick my wounds and wish him the best of luck. However I don’t believe he does. I think he possibly confused the pain of leaving and guilt for love. I think the sense that he was leaving for me rather than because of a dead marriage compounded that guilt.

But it still leaves me with a broken heart and the reality that we still have to see each other all the time at work. It leaves me desperate to contact and talk to him, to know what’s going on, to understand, but having to try to respect his request for space. I would really like to hear from those who have been in my position, either as the MW or the OW (PM me if you prefer). If your relationship ultimately worked out – did you or your MM wobble time and time again? Did you/he try to work on his marriage? How long were you together before the making a go of it? I would also like to hear from those for whom it didn't work out – how did you move on with a broken heart? Particularly if (as I suspect is often the case) you work together? How do I stop myself contacting him? I am itching to but he has asked for no contact and I have to respect that.

Woe - that was longer than I intended! But hey, rather than drip feed...

Honestly? The simple mistake you're making is believing he's the only man for you and what you have is so special that you could never have it with anyone else and therefore it's worth pursuing this amazing unique love with this amazing unique man even if it hurts lots of people in the process.

This is wrong. He's not the man for you. He's dishonest. He's a coward. He's manipulative. He's selfish. Not much of a catch really.

There is someone out there for you who is genuine and brave and transparent and generous and when you find him you will cringe at your feelings/behaviour now.

OP

When he said the marriage is dead, did he explain what he meant by that?

I think that might indicate how successful this attempt may be

I think OwlCapone's post at 21.11 sums up my thoughts nicely...

You sound just like my DH's OW who emailed him lovely stuff like "You're making a mistake" and quoted statistics about how many marriages fail post an affair being discovered.

All the while claiming she just missed the 'friendship' and having someone to talk to as she couldn't communicate with her DH. Blah, blah, blah...

And still contacted him three weeks ago asking to meet in person despite being told categorically to leave us alone.

Deluded, sad, bunny-boiler without an ounce of remorse....

Next time you are tucking your DC into bed, ask yourself how comfortable you are to decimate the lives of someone else's DC to just get what you want?

The thread isn't vitriolic at all.
But surely you see that you deserve vitriol? And him even moreso.
It might not be helpful to have it poured upon you here.
But you drunkenly fucked a married man then sobered up and selfishly carried on. Before you fell in love.
That's deserving of vitriol.
I bet London to a brick he never stopped sleeping with his wife of course.

Well mine didn't stop sleeping with me. Funny that. Visit to the clinic? Not so much.

Lots of married couples have boring or dead sex lives. That's well documented on here and elsewhere. Likewise, living with people and seeing their dirty socks doesn't always kill a relationship. In many cases, most marriages for instance, it strengthens it.

Loads of cliches abounding on this thread, and not just from the lips of MM.

My stbxh never stopped sleeping with me either!

How do you know that the MM you were with wasn't imagining all the things he could be trying out with his darling wife while he was with you? After all, it sounds like he loves her after all. I feel sorry for her!

I find it abhorrent that you are still fantasizing about him dumping her and the DCs to be with you. No remorse, so no sympathy from a lot of people on here.

Read Quiteso's post again, that's me and a lot of others who have been through the devastation an affair causes. Do you really only care about yourself to the detriment of others?

I will never understand how a woman can do this.

My DPs ex had an affair(s) which then lead to a very acrimonious divorce and extremely hurt and confused DC.

Do you not care what you are actually doing to the innocent parties and MM DC?

I really don't want to flame you but your opening OP comes across as woe is me and you show no realisation of the hurt that you are doing and the car crash involved.

My DP ex thought she had met the love of her life... Truth was he dumped her as soon as my DP left.

FWIW, my stbxh did leave me - or rather I kicked him out after finding out.

He was always a professional, good looking man. Now, he looks and smells like a tramp, his eyes are shallow and he is skinny as a rake. He looks terrible yet OW has her 'prize'. He's lost everything, even a lot of his family who are disgusted with him.

Can you honestly say that if he leaves his darling wife and children for you that you will brave the storm together and live in blissful happiness? He will resent you, he has shown that by asking you to leave him alone and give him some space after your heartfelt messages.

Get some dignity.

He is as much to blame if not more than you but......leave.them.alone.

yes I know several couples who seem very happy who exited shit marriages via affairs.
but I'm not sure what that proves.

Op

Hope you are managing to get some sleep. I don't think you are a bad person. I do think you are caught up in the fantasy though. You need to go no contact for your own health.

None of us knows if he has meant what he said, or if he will come back to you, but we do know you can't put your life on hold waiting for him to decide.

We're an example of the 'happily ever after'.

10 years on, madly in love, four children later. ExW had asked for a divorce in the past so it should have been amicable but was anything but.

The first two years will be a rollercoaster, custody battles, financial mediation, plain ghastliness, learning to be a good stepmother etc. You have to be 200% sure that this is the right thing to do.

Oddly enough, it never crossed my mind to leave; my DH and I are a great team. BUT, if any friend were in the same position I would suggest she leaves.

Everybody's situation is different. Good luck.

shit happens
yes OP, with that nasty attitude you clearly are the shit.

A friend's MM left his wife for her. She was very happy (with him, the Ex-w was hurt and angry and made their life very difficult) until he had an affair with someone else a few years later and left her. She's older and wiser and learnt a tough lesson the hard way.
OP where's your dignity and self respect? Could you ever trust a man who is so deceitful and untrustworthy? Would you ever relax? If he wanted to end his marriage, he would have ended his marriage. He doesn't want to. Walk away now and don't look back.

who's to judge that all men who leave their wives are untrustworthy?

I'm another 'happily ever after'

My DH left his wife of 30 years to be with me.

There were difficult times, but the dust eventually settles and everyone moves on in their new lives.

People who have affairs are just normal everyday people, coming on this board you would think they were the devils spawn, it's ridiculous.

My first marriage didn't last and I was hoping some other woman would come along and take him off my hands.

I know of a few (two in particular) OW who have left their marriages to be with men who were better looking than their husbands.

10 years on, both men are now fat and balding (looks have gone), and the one couple in particular are always struggling for money. I heard through mutual friends that they argue.. a LOT!

It seems strange that they went through all that for nothing.

The grass isn't always greener.

There were difficult times, but the dust eventually settles and everyone moves on in their new lives.

What an understatement. People get hurt and children have a huge upheaval. For some the 'dust never settles'

The thing is OP, it's very difficult to have sympathy for you, as you are the one responsible for your current situation.

The fact is, you knew that this man was married when you first kissed him - you crossed that line (presumably) at least a few minutes before you went as far as sleeping with him.

You walked into this with your eyes wide open. You KNEW he was married, and therefore unavailable, but you went ahead anyway. And it didn't "just happen". You made a conscious decision to go through with it.

And then the next time it happened, you made a conscious decision to do it again. And again. And unless you are going to spill some bullshit about love at first first, you repeated this cycle up until the moment were "feelings" started to develop.

The fact that you openly admit that you didn't even think about his wife or family until recently..well in my eyes it's an unforgivable personality trait. It is deeply disturbing that you considered your "right" to "have a bit of fun" to be worth utterly destroying the life of another woman.

Even now you are quite clearly hoping for it not to work out between them, which just shows how deep your selfish streak runs. I'm not saying that to flame you, but you need to recognise how awful you are being. Preferably before the moment the wife turns up at your office one day and gives you an epic bitch slap to your muzzle. I can't even pretend that I don't want that to happen!

What I will never fathom though is why there are TWO women crying over this utter piece of shit of humanity. Because obviously a man who fucks a random colleague on a drunken night out and affairs is definitely worth fighting for and investing a future in.

I've actually got no sympathy for you op, you BOTH knew he was married and still slept together. How would you of felt if that was your marriage?

I'm sure you don't give a shit about how his wife may feel.

My DH's affair began in v similar circumstances.

You may think you are soul-mates and deserve happiness.

But he has made his choice. Respect it and grow the fuck up.

For an insight into what his wife may one day go through, I am currently lying on the bed, a sobbing, soggy mess, with two DCs downstairs who I have to take school shoe shopping and then out to lunch. All I want to do is crawl under my duvet and cry. And sleep.

But I can't...

And this is 8 months on from discovering my DH's affair.

With someone as hugely selfish and self-entitled as you. With someone who until 3 weeks ago was still attempting contact despite being told to stay away...

My STBXH seems quite happy, presumably shagging the OW most nights. I assume she's worth the scorched earth he left behind.

This. The day after mine went I sent him an email describing what he'd left behind. It was the one and only time I've ever written anything remotely 'poetic', because I used the metaphors of ingesting poison, vomitting, and 'ground zero'. Pathetic maybe but I couldn't think of any other way to convey the devastation. He said it was the most beautiful and sad thing he'd ever read .

People (the one's left behind) DO carry on. They get on with life, pick the pieces up and go on to lead different lives, happier ones if they're robust and have support around them. Cheating isn't murder. But it can bring the betrayed to the brink of self destruction and you have no way of knowing what your joint action with this man could do. His wife and children may well recover and things will settle, but you have no way of predicting or controlling that whether or not he leaves her for you, or if she finds out.

If you let it go now and stay away you can at least say you did that one thing if his marriage goes tits up anyway.

OfCourse nobody is saying ALL men who leave their wives are untrustworthy but surely having an affair behind his wife's back for 9 months and lying to her in the process IS untrustworthy and deceitful behaviour on the part of this man?
Irrespective of happy ever afters this particular man has IMHO behaved appallingly. But he has now chosen to build his life with his wife and family and the OP needs to let go.

To clarify, I meant not all men who leave their wives are untrustworthy because some don't do it on the back of affairs and some marriages (like my own) end without an affair being part of the equation.

You 'didn't really think about his wife' when you shagged him. Well, you're thinking about her now. She fills your thoughts. When you blithely shagged a mm you may not have been thinking of the implications but you unthinkingly caught hold of a live wire and it's pulsing through you. That's how it goes.

Anger, not 'vitriol' op. That's how it goes. You deserve vitriol for what you've done, and continue to do. You also deserve to drink this bitterness to the dregs to teach you to 'think' in future.

I have never been cheated on, as far as I know, just for the record.