Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

My dad and strange relationship with teenage girl

392 replies

Gramparsons · 19/08/2014 20:22

I have name changed for this as it is embarrassing and disturbing and I really don't want to be outed.

In the past few months my dad has befriended a 14 year old girl who lives next door to my brother and nephews. She started tagging along when he was taking them to football training and for dinner after and she now has his number and she calls him to run her here there and everywhere. He thinks this is hilarious. The reaction in the family has gone from eye rolling, to bewilderment and now anger that he will not see sense. My brother used to give her lifts but stopped because people were calling him a pervert.

She phones him up to take her to the takeaway, pick her up from her friends house etc. and a while back he was late meeting me and my mum because she phoned him for a lift into town then when he was going she said 'oh are you not waiting to drop me off home'. She recently called him from a friends house where she had started an argument and she jumped in the car and shouted at him to drive, she rolls down his window and shouts at people, takes his camera to take pictures of herself and he thinks it is all funny.

He is an incredibly stubborn character and says he will not be told what to do. There is nothing going on, nothing wrong. He doesn't care if people are talking about him, he will not change his behaviour for other people. To some extent it's an admirable character trait but for fucks sake, he doesn't get what effect this is having on any body. My mum is embarrassed in case people are talking about her and scared that this girl may accuse my dad of something and it looks pretty much like he is grooming her doesn't it? He is driving her round buying her food (and knowing my dad and how he is generous with his money he will be giving her handouts like he does everybody). He has accused my mum of being jealous, she is angry at the position he is putting her in.

A couple of weeks ago she phoned and asked him to take her to McDonalds and that she had a 'massive favour' to ask him. She wanted him to take her shopping to a city about 3 hours away from us. He has gone today at the crack of dawn. He has now denied she asked, he said she told him she had been arguing with her boyfriend and he said she needed retail therapy. I honestly don't know what is worse. I don't believe there is anything going on, but I am aware it doesn't look that way. She could accuse him so easily. My other brother has said if he is accused of anything he will not be seeing his granddaughter, will not be able to take his grandson's to football. I agree.

My mum is distraught, she says she can barely bring herself to speak to him, she spent last night at my brother's house and had been sleeping in the spare room. I have sent him a text saying I am so angry he is completely disregarding my mum's feelings like this, and he should stop paying for things and see how long it takes her to lose interest. He should be taking his own grandchildren on trips like this, not a pushy hard faced girl he hardly knows. I have a choppy history with him and this is pushing me to the limit. I have had periods of no contact with him but we have grown close since the birth of my first baby.

I don't know what I think is going on. I know he likes to be useful, he goes out of his way to give lifts/run errands for anybody but this is not innocent to me. I don't think she has any interest in him but she is out for what she can get because he is a soft touch. It is making my skin crawl to think about them. I don't know what I want from writing this :((.

OP posts:
Gramparsons · 20/08/2014 16:46

They have phoned back just now to take my dad's details as well as my mum's as she didn't ask at the time. I feel awful I am dragging my mum into this. I would never forgive myself for standing by, but I have never felt so awful. I am going to put my mum through something so awful.

It is worth it to get him to back off and I can't see that I want anything to do with him now.

I haven't got anyone to speak to about this so appreciate the supportive and not so supportive messages. My own relationship is on very rocky ground at the moment so I can't confide in my partner.

OP posts:
notapizzaeater · 20/08/2014 16:48

Have a un mumsnetty hug - well done you for acting.

It might not feel,like it at the moment but you gave done the right thing. The girl might not know or think she needs protecting but she does. It might all be totally innocent but it is totally inappropriate. And as an adult I expect your father to know this. If my dad had a friendship with a young person and I pointed out to him how it could look, he'd be horrified.

Thurlow · 20/08/2014 16:49

Just read the whole thread.

Well done for calling, OP, and what a horrible situation for everyone involved. But it is the right thing to involve SS. No one but the girl and your father really know what is going on here and what is happening in this relationship, but regardless of who or what is the driving force, this girl is still only 14 years old and by the sounds of it she needs help and support.

As does your mum. I feel as though your brother is right and that your father, by continuing in a relationship that is clearly wrong on many levels, is putting many people at risk and as such, I would want to distance myself and my children from him. As many others have said, whether there are sexual implications involved here or not, it is still hugely inappropriate and nearly every else would have backed away from such inappropriate contact with this girl a long time ago.

The fact that your father won't, either because he is stubborn or because there is something more in their relationship, would be enough for me to cut contact, because neither reason is healthy in anyway for the rest of his family.

magimedi · 20/08/2014 16:51

Gram I think you have been enormously brave & have done the right thing.

Please don't listen to the non supportive posters - there are always idiots on the internet.

It has taken you less than 24 hours since your first post to come to this decision in an appalling situation.

I really salute your courage.

Vivacia · 20/08/2014 16:53

I genuinely think that you are protecting your mum from a far, far worse situation. And that's not to mention this 14 year old. I keep imagining her as 34, wiser with age, perhaps a mum herself and thanking some stranger for finally getting her the support she needed.

Gramparsons · 20/08/2014 16:56

He's going to suspect me no doubt because I have been so vocal in condemning this relationship. I don't know what will happen now but I feel like a weight has been lifted.

OP posts:
noddyholder · 20/08/2014 17:00

I think him calling your mum jealous is a HUGE red flag He needs to stop this NOW but if she is vulnerable and manipulative anything could happen so it needs management and kid gloves.

finallydelurking · 20/08/2014 17:03

Given what you describe about the girl any number of people have probably already expressed concerns, teachers, neighbours, friends parents. If action is taken it won't be just as the result of your phone call, your information will just be one piece of the jigsaw.

I'm pleased you feel a weight has been lifted, it has been. You have done your bit to safeguard this child and it is now down to the authorities to action. Take care of yourself and your Mum.

noddyholder · 20/08/2014 17:09

Sorry just read back Well done you have done the right thing even though it is so hard. He has to address these issues head on because it is not normal for a man of his age to befriend a girl like that. I think how he extricates himself from this will be key as she sounds like she could over react if riled

FrontierPsychiatrist · 20/08/2014 17:10

You haven't done this to your mother. Your father has done this.

number99bus · 20/08/2014 17:11

It seems like you are frightened about saying anything to him, and that is sad. Why are you worried about telling him it's wrong?? What is the worst that can happen? Tell him that you won't visit him in jail if that's where he ends up. It seems like he has conditioned you into not questioning him about what he does.

noddyholder · 20/08/2014 17:13

Yes I agree he has way too much power in the family where even in a situation of extreme high risk he marches on regardless even when the effect could be devastating.

number99bus · 20/08/2014 17:16

Didnt read whole thread before posting OP you are very brave in a horrendous situation. Wishing you the best of luck

Alicebannedit · 20/08/2014 17:17

OP a bit late in the day for me to say this now, but in my earlier post addressed to you I started by saying that I hadn't read the whole thread, and then gave my first thoughts on your statement "he is an incredibly stubborn character and says he will not be told what to do"; these thoughts were, that in a way he was doing what he was told, by allowing a child to wind him around her little finger. I was - perhaps rather too subtley - trying to suggest it might help to point this out to him? My own father was a stubborn and controlling character, and trying to have a conversation with him was akin to juggling blocks of concrete.

Whichever way it goes, I wish you peace Flowers

Gramparsons · 20/08/2014 17:18

I am frightened in a way of starting this if he actually is innocent (although I don't think there is an innocent explanation, he must at the very least be lusting after her). But no, we have all told him it is wrong he just doesn't see sense. My mum is scared to argue with him, I have never been afraid which has caused so much conflict and strife already in my family. Things were great between us, I am sad this has happened and it seems he will cut off his nose to spite his face all to 'prove' nothing us untoward.

OP posts:
JustTheRightBullets · 20/08/2014 17:20

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

noddyholder · 20/08/2014 17:25

I really feel for you but you are probably going to save his arse tbh

thestamp · 20/08/2014 17:27

oh op you poor thing. and this poor girl, and your poor mother! what a mess your dad has made.

please don't feel you did wrong. you didn't. you're the only one doing the right thing, i think. it's awfully lonely though, when the whole family is so invested in letting your dad do whatever he pleases.

things are probably going to be pretty hard for you in the next few weeks and months. try to take heart that at least you have minimised harm. if you had turned a blind eye, things would have been easier for you, but more painful for everyone else in the long run.

all the best. you've been very brave.

Softlysoftlycatchymonkey · 20/08/2014 17:27

Well done for calling them.

I hope this poor girl gets the help she needs. Yes she possibly is aware she is leading him on and using him. But it's how she got to the point where she thinks that is ok/normal that worries me.

Your dad need a kick up the arse and the girl sounds as if she needs some counciling of some sort.

Thurlow · 20/08/2014 17:27

I think you need to focus on what you said about there not being an innocent explanation.

There isn't.

The immediate assumption from most people seeing the relationship will be that it is sexual. It may not be - but that doesn't make it any the less wrong.

AnyFucker · 20/08/2014 17:37

OP, it is likely in the long run that you are saving your stupid father from himself. You have done the right thing. Rest easy.

Gramparsons · 20/08/2014 17:40

Alicebannedit I implied this to him in a text which he has decided to ignore. I also said I couldn't believe he was putting her first and hurting my mum this was and basically called him an old fool and to put his wallet away and see if she still calls. I am presuming there that she is the one calling him and he hasn't been calling her although I don't know this.

I am pretty sure her mum knows and isn't bothered so where does that leave things? Can SS warn him off if the mum doesn't care?

OP posts:
LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 20/08/2014 17:40

YY AF. It most be the most horrific thing. I have no idea how I'd be feeling in OP's shoes. I know that I'd make the calls and then I'd probably throw up. :(

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 20/08/2014 17:42

Gramparsons... It's up to SS to take whatever action now. If the mum doesn't care then shame on her too. SS will have to put her into the 'looked after' system.

How is your mum? Does she know that you've called?

Zucker · 20/08/2014 17:43

Well done for calling them OP. I've read most of this thread open mouthed, I'm guessing people making the idiotic comments about the young girl have zero experience of actual real life teen girls.

Your Father is getting the thrill of being the sugar daddy to this child and for that alone he needs to be stopped. Also if he believes having a hissy fit at the police /social services will make this go away he has another thing coming to him.