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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

My dad and strange relationship with teenage girl

392 replies

Gramparsons · 19/08/2014 20:22

I have name changed for this as it is embarrassing and disturbing and I really don't want to be outed.

In the past few months my dad has befriended a 14 year old girl who lives next door to my brother and nephews. She started tagging along when he was taking them to football training and for dinner after and she now has his number and she calls him to run her here there and everywhere. He thinks this is hilarious. The reaction in the family has gone from eye rolling, to bewilderment and now anger that he will not see sense. My brother used to give her lifts but stopped because people were calling him a pervert.

She phones him up to take her to the takeaway, pick her up from her friends house etc. and a while back he was late meeting me and my mum because she phoned him for a lift into town then when he was going she said 'oh are you not waiting to drop me off home'. She recently called him from a friends house where she had started an argument and she jumped in the car and shouted at him to drive, she rolls down his window and shouts at people, takes his camera to take pictures of herself and he thinks it is all funny.

He is an incredibly stubborn character and says he will not be told what to do. There is nothing going on, nothing wrong. He doesn't care if people are talking about him, he will not change his behaviour for other people. To some extent it's an admirable character trait but for fucks sake, he doesn't get what effect this is having on any body. My mum is embarrassed in case people are talking about her and scared that this girl may accuse my dad of something and it looks pretty much like he is grooming her doesn't it? He is driving her round buying her food (and knowing my dad and how he is generous with his money he will be giving her handouts like he does everybody). He has accused my mum of being jealous, she is angry at the position he is putting her in.

A couple of weeks ago she phoned and asked him to take her to McDonalds and that she had a 'massive favour' to ask him. She wanted him to take her shopping to a city about 3 hours away from us. He has gone today at the crack of dawn. He has now denied she asked, he said she told him she had been arguing with her boyfriend and he said she needed retail therapy. I honestly don't know what is worse. I don't believe there is anything going on, but I am aware it doesn't look that way. She could accuse him so easily. My other brother has said if he is accused of anything he will not be seeing his granddaughter, will not be able to take his grandson's to football. I agree.

My mum is distraught, she says she can barely bring herself to speak to him, she spent last night at my brother's house and had been sleeping in the spare room. I have sent him a text saying I am so angry he is completely disregarding my mum's feelings like this, and he should stop paying for things and see how long it takes her to lose interest. He should be taking his own grandchildren on trips like this, not a pushy hard faced girl he hardly knows. I have a choppy history with him and this is pushing me to the limit. I have had periods of no contact with him but we have grown close since the birth of my first baby.

I don't know what I think is going on. I know he likes to be useful, he goes out of his way to give lifts/run errands for anybody but this is not innocent to me. I don't think she has any interest in him but she is out for what she can get because he is a soft touch. It is making my skin crawl to think about them. I don't know what I want from writing this :((.

OP posts:
Happyringo · 20/08/2014 16:23

Well done for taking the step OP, must've been very hard

PlantsAndFlowers · 20/08/2014 16:23

you might be seen as being an accessory to any crimes he's committed

That's just ridiculous, of course she won't.

Vivacia · 20/08/2014 16:23

Willing you on OP.

CaptChaos · 20/08/2014 16:25

Well done Gram! That must have been really difficult for you, and took real strength and courage. Maybe call the main number again and ask to speak to their duty, or ask them to put you through to their triage?

You are doing the right thing, you really are.

JustTheRightBullets · 20/08/2014 16:26

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

AbbieHoffmansAfro · 20/08/2014 16:26

Please do not call me a victim-blamer. As for she can consent (she can't, at least not according to the law) that is wrong. The law will distinguish between consensual sex with a 14 year old and non-consensual sex with a 14 year old. Both are illegal and deeply wrong, but they are not treated the same.

We do not have the 'statutory rape' approach used in the US. Clearly, the younger the child the less the concept of consent has any meaning, but whre the child is 14 it is certainly not meaningless.

And I wasn't posting about this to excuse the OP's father in any way, just to be accurate.

PfftTheMagicDraco · 20/08/2014 16:26

Well done OP

CaptChaos · 20/08/2014 16:26

Plants, really? Covering up for him while believing him to be up to no good? That's ok now, is it? Wasn't when I was questioned by the police about my exH's activities, even though I knew nothing about them. Things really have changed.

StackladysMorphicResonator · 20/08/2014 16:27

OP this is awful, I feel so sorry for you and your family. Your dad is either completely blinkered and selfish, or a pervert; neither prospect pleases, although the former is preferable.

I think you should call Childline and ask for their advice.

AbbieHoffmansAfro · 20/08/2014 16:28

And apologies for not saying this above, but OP you have been really strong and done something that must have been incredibly difficult, I salute you.

ballsballsballs · 20/08/2014 16:28

OP call Social Services FFS.

It's sickening how many people on this thread are blaming a vulnerable teenage girl for the behaviour of an adult man who should know better.

SaskiaRembrandtWasFramed · 20/08/2014 16:28

"The law will distinguish between consensual sex with a 14 year old and non-consensual sex with a 14 year old. "

Not when the other person is in their 60s and appears to have groomed the 14yo.

AbbieHoffmansAfro · 20/08/2014 16:29

Fuck's sake. Go and read Archbold.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 20/08/2014 16:30

To all those hopping up an down in indignation; OP has received numerous suggestions that she contact the various authorities who can help. She's now doing that or has done so by now.

The child's mother isn't posting here, the OP is so instead of insinuating that she's some sort of troll, why not stop making her feel like crap. There seem to be multiple victims here (not the OP's dad) but his wife and family. All innocent of this behaviour and OP deserves not to be treated as some kind of pariah, the outfall is going to be tough enough for the family.

StackladysMorphicResonator · 20/08/2014 16:30

Or call the NSPCC adult helpline on 0808 800 5000. You can also email them at [email protected].

You can remain anonymous, and they will never share your details with the police or social services if you don't want them to - they remove all identifying information if they need to refer your report.

Please do call them.

ballsballsballs · 20/08/2014 16:30

OP unfortunate cross post there. Well done, you are doing the right thing. Flowers

CaptChaos · 20/08/2014 16:31

Abbie, this might help : here

The pertinent part for you might be 1, c, i.

Unless the father believes her to be over 16?

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 20/08/2014 16:31

The piling on is disgraceful. You're not saying anything new or startling. I feel really sorry for the OP.

finallydelurking · 20/08/2014 16:31

Thank god for the posters who are not victim blaming!

Very well done op, this must be a horrible situation for you. Do keep ringing you're doing the right thing.

Gramparsons · 20/08/2014 16:33

I have got through, I could barely speak for crying but I have reported it. The woman asked lots of questions: her age, my dad's age, if their is anybody else in the car, how often she is calling him, if he has said anything to make me suspicious. I told her her mother knows but doesn't seem to be doing anything to stop it. The woman said they will start to investigate, she has put it on the system without my details (although she is aware I am his daughter) but has made a note that I am ok with being contacted for further infor

OP posts:
AbbieHoffmansAfro · 20/08/2014 16:36

CaptChaos: and?

finallydelurking · 20/08/2014 16:36

Well done, that must've been a horrible phone call to have to make. You've done the right thing, you should be very proud of yourself.

Gramparsons · 20/08/2014 16:36

Sorry posted too soon...

Further information that should read.

Does anybody with any knowledge know what will happen now? I gave them my brother's address and told them she lived next door. I know her first name but am a bit unsure about the surname, gave them what I thought it was. It is in the hands of a triage team based a long way from my town, hopefully they will pass it along.

OP posts:
beachyhead · 20/08/2014 16:38

Well done Gram. You are very brave, although you probably don't feel like it at the moment.

Gfplux · 20/08/2014 16:39

I am in shock. I feel sick.
This man should be arrested immediately. This is grooming of a vulnerable young girl.
I frankly don't know what else to say however I agree with all this poster TIPSYKISSES said.

"I'm so sorry you are going through this op , I've read this thread with my stomach in knots as I do not know of any man who would have a relationship like this with a child unless there was an underhand reason .
I have held off posting as I wasn't sure how to put what I want to say but I can't not speak out after reading what I have & also because of experiences I have seen myself in the past .

I do believe he is grooming her & I also believe that the fact he is acting so blasé about his behaviour is a sign of this as a lot of men who are grooming or abusing children do not see anything wrong with what they do and try to justify their behaviour .

Also if This child has had a hard time she may be looking for love & attention wherever she can get it & maybe doesn't understand that gifts , money etc is not love .
She may have been abused in the past so may be conditioned to behave this way ?
Who knows what this child has been through ?

I really hope I'm wrong but with all you've written and the way he's behaving when challenged I don't know what other reason he'd have to behave this way as if he wanted to help there are better ways .

Could all of you talk to your dad together so that your mum has support ?
I'd also be tempted to try to get hold of his phone or computer to see if there are any photos txts or emails between them .

I feel for you and your family op , I really hope that he stops this now and that he stays away from her in future before things get worse"