My dad and strange relationship with teenage girl

[Gramparsons]

I have name changed for this as it is embarrassing and disturbing and I really don't want to be outed.

In the past few months my dad has befriended a 14 year old girl who lives next door to my brother and nephews. She started tagging along when he was taking them to football training and for dinner after and she now has his number and she calls him to run her here there and everywhere. He thinks this is hilarious. The reaction in the family has gone from eye rolling, to bewilderment and now anger that he will not see sense. My brother used to give her lifts but stopped because people were calling him a pervert.

She phones him up to take her to the takeaway, pick her up from her friends house etc. and a while back he was late meeting me and my mum because she phoned him for a lift into town then when he was going she said 'oh are you not waiting to drop me off home'. She recently called him from a friends house where she had started an argument and she jumped in the car and shouted at him to drive, she rolls down his window and shouts at people, takes his camera to take pictures of herself and he thinks it is all funny.

He is an incredibly stubborn character and says he will not be told what to do. There is nothing going on, nothing wrong. He doesn't care if people are talking about him, he will not change his behaviour for other people. To some extent it's an admirable character trait but for fucks sake, he doesn't get what effect this is having on any body. My mum is embarrassed in case people are talking about her and scared that this girl may accuse my dad of something and it looks pretty much like he is grooming her doesn't it? He is driving her round buying her food (and knowing my dad and how he is generous with his money he will be giving her handouts like he does everybody). He has accused my mum of being jealous, she is angry at the position he is putting her in.

A couple of weeks ago she phoned and asked him to take her to McDonalds and that she had a 'massive favour' to ask him. She wanted him to take her shopping to a city about 3 hours away from us. He has gone today at the crack of dawn. He has now denied she asked, he said she told him she had been arguing with her boyfriend and he said she needed retail therapy. I honestly don't know what is worse. I don't believe there is anything going on, but I am aware it doesn't look that way. She could accuse him so easily. My other brother has said if he is accused of anything he will not be seeing his granddaughter, will not be able to take his grandson's to football. I agree.

My mum is distraught, she says she can barely bring herself to speak to him, she spent last night at my brother's house and had been sleeping in the spare room. I have sent him a text saying I am so angry he is completely disregarding my mum's feelings like this, and he should stop paying for things and see how long it takes her to lose interest. He should be taking his own grandchildren on trips like this, not a pushy hard faced girl he hardly knows. I have a choppy history with him and this is pushing me to the limit. I have had periods of no contact with him but we have grown close since the birth of my first baby.

I don't know what I think is going on. I know he likes to be useful, he goes out of his way to give lifts/run errands for anybody but this is not innocent to me. I don't think she has any interest in him but she is out for what she can get because he is a soft touch. It is making my skin crawl to think about them. I don't know what I want from writing this :((.

Almost right LyingWitchInTheWardrobe I just have a thumping headache instead. Something needed to be done, I had hoped when he first mentioned this trip he would come to his senses and realise how inappropriate the whole thing is.

I can't imagine caring so little for the welfare of my child as this girl' smother seems to . I would do anything in my power to stop my child contacting an older man, to protect them from danger.

No she doesn't know that I've called. I am not sure whether telling her is a good idea. She knew that something had to be done, I think she thought he would stop when the consequences were laid bare to him.

She didn't seem to want to talk about him before, she had been up with my grandma half the night after her fall. She hasn't brought herself to talk to him yet.

Keep posting here for support, Gramparsons.

Most mothers couldn't be the thought - and add most fathers to that. In fact, any decent human being would look after their children.

Well done gramparsons

I think that we can all agree that whatever the moral issues here are, the emotional strain it has put on you with your DC must have been significant. I hope that you can relax a little bit now knowing you've done something

Please try to take some time out from worrying and get some rest have a

You have done exactly the right thing. Your dad might fall out with you but at the centre of this there is a vulnerable 14 year old girl (who no doubt thinks she is not at all vulnerable) who is involved in an inappropriate relationship with a man in. his 60s and who is involved in all sorts of risky behaviours.

Social services should investigate this thoroughly. However, it relies on them asking the right questions and the people involved/ affected being prepared to speak up. If he is having a sexual relationship with her, unless she is prepared to complain, make a statement and pursue a prosecution, or they have other very strong evidence they are unlikely to prosecute. They should also speak to her parent(s) and the school, your mother and your brother to form the broadest picture possible before they make a decision. Your mum and brother must speak up about everything they know- something they might find difficult.

Your dad is at best showing terrible judgement and the at worst does not bear thinking about. What he is doing is not harmless- he is encouraging a 14 year old girl in her need to form inappropriate relationships with much older men who she hardly knows and to put herself in risky situations (and that is best case scenario), never mind the situation he is putting himself and your mum in.

He could end up on a sex offenders register if he is charged and cautioned/ found guilty of grooming. Even if there is not strong evidence to charge him but there is concern, I think that would show up on any DBS check- should he ever need one. I can not believe he can not see the danger in what he is doing.

It must be very difficult for you but you have done the right thing. Hopefully, nothing terrible emerges and your dad gets a big enough shock to make him realise how stupid and wrong this is.

My other worry would be that social services do not have the resources to investigate it fully and it ends up being closed down and does not stop. You may then have to really push this. I deal with situations like this regularly in my profession and am often shocked by how quickly investigations are closed if the people involved are unwilling to co- operate.

I know I'm late to this, but just want to say a huge well done for making the call. You have done the right thing

Oh my, I have read the whole thread and so pleased to read you have reported him. It must have been very difficult for you but such the right thing to do.

I have read the whole thread and just wanted to offer a message of support.

This is a desperately upsetting and difficult situation and I think you have handled it very well, even if it doesn't feel like it to you. I hope you can find a measure of peace in that, and I hope also that there's a good outcome for your family, and also the young girl who is clearly a troubled character.

Ah, that sounds a bit wanky and pompous. Have some .

OP I really empathise with you. Your father sounds so much like my dad, who has Aspergers, a terrible stubborn streak and a huge dislike for authority. He absolutely cannot be reasoned with. As far as I know, he's never done anything like this, but I can totally imagine him getting into the same sort of situation, and then the pleas of his family just making him more determined to carry on, because HE "knows he's doing the right thing". I just hope my father never meets any teenagers he takes a liking to.

I think you have done absolutely the right thing, hard as it must have been. and from me.

Gramparsons haven't read the whole thread yet but it seems you've reported him.
well done for being an amazingly strong, right thinking person. that took a lot of courage and you deserve all the support mn and any other sources can give

OP keep in mind anybody could have made the call to SS, a friend of the girls parents, parents of the girls friends, a nosy neighbour of the girl, her boyfriend, his family, in fact anyone who knows what is going on and I suspect she will not be hiding the fact she has her own on demand taxi service, someone who will buy her things etc, that call wouldn't automatically come from you. You have been very brave in very difficult circumstances.

Well done G. You have absolutely done the right thing for EVERYONE'S sake. The child needs saving from herself as she doesn't understand how things can look and if it is all innocent then why is your father being so angry? Does he always fight against being told when something isn't looking right? It could be innocent but sometimes how something looks has to be dealt with rather than how it is.

Thanks for all the support. I still feel really shaky. My mum left a voicemail and message asking me to call her and I thought it was too soon but it made me think 'what am I going to say to her when I do get that call?'.

I really hope it will bring some sort of resolution to this.

Poofus he is impossible at times, and with a really brusque manner which not everybody deals well with. Just as an example we were recently out and he likes milky coffee, definitely milky coffee from instant or filter not espresso based. Of course some places only sell espresso drinks. My mum went in to order a milky coffee and the waitress brought the order saying 'whose is the latte' and so started an exchange where he was saying 'well a milky coffee is what I wanted' and her thinking she was being criticised for bringing what was on the order. He is mortifying in cafés and restaurants, embarrassingly to the point, verging on rude. He has never done anything this stupid before though, I can't imagine how he is justifying it.

Sounds like he doesn't get challenged much? I have a FIL just like that and I pull him up on his rudeness - every single time. We have had massive fallouts but I actually don't mind a good argument. If people don't get challenged, then they end up thinking it's their place or it is an acceptable way to treat people. It's bullying really.

OP act daft, you don't have to tell anyone it was you that reported it. If challenged you could always give a list of people who could have done it, lets face it, it COULD have been anyone and how do you know that yours is the only report?

Well done OP, what a hard decision to make.

For all you know, someone else may have reported it, or do so in future.

Please ensure you get the support you need from us. There were plenty of us being vocal and telling you what you should do. Don't let us off the hook now.

Well done Gram, you have been incredibly brave. As others say, it could have been the postman reporting it for all they know. Just say that you're not surprised someone has reported it, when it comes out.

You have protected a vulnerable girl. No matter what your father's intentions, he is teaching her dangerous lessons that (even if all is innocent) may mean she ends up easily groomed by someone else. He is endangering her and doesn't care. And that's horrendous.

I have a slightly different situation, where my ds (then early teen) was befriended by a single, male neighbour in his 60s. At first we were all friends, which was fine, but then, when we moved further away and our friendship fizzled out (since it was neighbourly), he carried on contacting ds. Ds would contact him too. Ds described their relationship as special and vitally important to him. Even though we had only known him a year. He would send gifts to ds (not the other dcs) as well.

It was weird and made me very uncomfortable. I told ds I did not want him to see him without me there, and he reluctantly agreed but carried on texting and phoning. The neighbour was heterosexual, but it all felt false and uncomfortable. He'd described himself to ds and made himself out to be someone I knew he wasn't.

After hoping it would fizzle out without me interfering (worried that it would drive ds to visit him behind my back and give the neighbour blackmail opportunities), I finally snapped when ds told me that neighbour had been giving him spirits to drink when we still lived next door.

I told ds that he needed to stop all contact now, that he was being groomed, and that I was making that decision for him. Ds disagreed but went along with me. We blocked neighbour from all forms of contact and I emailed him telling him that if he contacted ds again I would contact the police.

I don't think it was sexual (if I did I would have called the police then and there), but it was inappropriate. It seemed as though neighbour was attempting to relive his youth through ds, and encourage him down the wrong paths.

Neighbour responded to my email angrily, stating that ds had always initiated contact and he had just tried to be a male role model for him. I ignored. The fact that there was no remorse in his response told me everything I needed to know really, that and blaming a child for his own actions.

Ds was damaged by the contact. He had a loving family behind him, but an absent father figure, and he was vulnerable to flattery etc.

I believe it was arrogance and a saviour complex that drove neighbour. Ds still disagrees and sees him as a "good guy" but understands that I will report neighbour if they have any further contact, and ultimately ds does respect my views.

I have monitored messages etc. and there has been nothing further. I hope he doesn't decide to look him up as an adult. No good will come of it.

OP, you do not have to tell anyone that you made the call

I am horrified at the child abuse apologists on this thread

I'm also concerned that a poster has suggested that a 14yo girl can consent to sex with a 60yo man . This is wrong . Here is further information on the age of consent

www.fpa.org.uk/factsheets/law-on-sex#YXCg

Another point of information - straight men can abuse boys and girls

Gay men can abuse boys and girls

Trans and bi men can abuse boys and girls

Deciding that a man grooming your child is somhow " safe " because of assumptions you have made about them ie he's straight so he can't be sexually interested in my son -is a very VERY dangerous thing to do

That horse -you have done the right thing to protect you child .

Decent, well intentioned men not strike up personal friendships with teenage children . If they wish to be charitable they join green peace or help at the cat and dog home or raise money for oxfam .

They don't give 3 hour lifts to teenaged girls . They don't have their phone numbers. They don't text them, email them or give them money . They don't have relationships that exclude the girls parent or their own spouse .

They don't have cosy one on ones when they teach them about poetry or religion. People who love poetry or religion share it with other adults. If they wish to share these things with children, they join an official organisation which works with children . They get training on child protection and they follow the rules and procedures. The children who attend these groups are there with the consent of their parents . Adults don't do one on ones with children. They don't see the children outside the official group time . They don't have their phone numbers of befriend them on Facebook .

Oh my God. I lost it at 'he's driving three hours to take her shopping.' That has overstepped anything that just might have been considered normal.

I would not be surprised if this girl is already involved with CAHMS or SS. Do you know what school she goes to? Can you ask to speak to the HT or the pastoral counsellor? I think you should be speaking to some professionals who are in a position to take some safeguarding steps here. Maybe he needs someone in authority to have a stern chat with him. Or perhaps you should threaten to talk to her mother. Her mother is likely to should 'Paedo' and dash off to the police so that might be the jolt he needs to stop this madness before it's too late.

She is clearly very needy and vulnerable and troubled, and it is not unusual for teens like that to be incredibly manipulative with no boundaries. There are just massive red flags all over this and and whilst you Dad's intentions might be entirely honourable, altruistic and fatherly he is still behaving in a very naive, misguided and inappropriate way. And he also might be in denial about developing inappropriate feelings for her.

The fact that he is telling you and his mother everything that happens is sort of comforting - at least he is not being secretive, which would (we can only hope) imply complete innocence. But even so, it needs to stop.

Either she is going to end up coming on to him, or accusing him of something unjustly if he rejects her, or he is going to end up being sexually infatuated with her if he isn't already. It cannot possibly end well and he needs to be warned off immediately.

It is very sad, actually, that if his intentions are just to offer fatherly support to a troubled girl, that he has to fall under so much suspicion, but quite honestly if he wanted to act as a sort of foster parent/mentor then there are ways of doing that legitimately that do not cut your mother out of the equation cast fear and suspicion from every angle. He needs a reality check before she ends up in a police cell, rightly or wrongly.

oops sorry - I see i've posted before the end of the thread. Will catch up now,

Well done for ringing social services.
Your dad is running the risk of being accused at some point. And it could go bad for him.
He has a wife, he has offspring, he has grandchildren. He isn't some lonely old widower offering sweeties over the garden wall. He is taking a minor out, conversing with her, spending money on her. He is not taking her somewhere quiet to listen to her woes, offer fatherly advice and support. He is acting like some weird sugar disney dad.

this will not come out well for the girl either. Even if she is looking for a father figure she's found someone she can boss, manipulate, and use. If he really wants to help her he should be teaching her these traits are undesirable at best.

Yes she's young and vulnerable and needs protection but she isn't completely unaware of her actions.

The mother needs a kick up the arse by social services. At 14 my mother would have gone ballistic if I'd had someone like this in my life.
Your father needs a kick up the arse as he is skating on very very thin ice..

You don't want your father in that situation. You really don't.

[Post edited by MNHQ]

Purple one -perhaps you re unaware that posting about your jury duty is contempt of court

" 4. Discussing the trial
Don’t discuss the case with anyone, except other jury members in the jury deliberation room.

Even when the trial’s over you mustn’t discuss the case, even with family members.

Don’t post comments about the trial on social media websites like Facebook or Twitter - even after the trial’s finished. This is contempt of court and you can be fined or sent to prison."

This is from the government website. I suggest you contact Mn and ask for your post to be deleted .

I find it shocking that you infer that the jury made the Wrong decision because you saw the girl laughing after the case. Clearly an innocent victim couldn't possibly be happy it was over and relived that justice was done