For those who have followed my SIL threads, things have gotten a whole lot worse and I am so upset...

[Northerner]

Deep breath.

So SIL asks me to ahve her kids 3 weekends in a row for sleepover, I say no, we'll do 2. 3 is too many.

She gets upset and speaks to MIL. MIL tells me SIL is upset. I am cross, MIL tells me to let SIL calm down.

Have spoken to SIL today who has called a meeting for me and her at her house tonight as she is upset and dissapointed in things I have been saying to MIL about her. What MIL has told her God only knows. Yes I have moaned about her in the past, but so has MIL, so why has she been stirring the s**t?

Have phone MIl she denied all knowledge and called us silly little girls, said she's sick of being in the middle and 'she'll see me around sometime'

I am so upset at work, and now have to face my SIL at her house tonight.

What a F**k up.

OK, so last night went pretty much as you expected, but what you haven't said is how you responded! I'd love to have been a fly on the wall.

So what did you say to your up-her-*rse, my-life-is-more-important-than-yours SIL? Did you mention that MIL slags her off to you too?

yes but it's not you being childish N, it's your mad in laws. bunch of arses if you ask me.

Northerner, do you know what I would suggest? Get it all off your chest (on here if you like then we can cheer you on ) - tell SIL and MIL exactly what you think of them, no holds barred. Use every expletive necessary! Then draw a line under it and move on

Excellent post catsmother btw - print that bit out and read it every day Northerner

Oh yes I told them about MIL being a Viper yes. I have no loyalty there now. I told her yes we feel put on and have done in the past and we feel it is difficult to say no to them. This reaction proves this.

So I have been caught out moaning about her whilst she was moaning about us sayng no. Mad isn't it?

MIL is another issue. How she can cause this betwen the wives of her 2 sons is beyond me.

Lady S - I was not in Hedleys unfortunatley, thoughv would have loved to have been

It's one of my fave restaurants. Julie is lovely.

Just thinking, might get this thread deleted actually. It has reall helped me, but would hate anyone who knows any of us involved in this to stumble accross it. Might be for the best.

Message withdrawn

All my mates work Cod, and have kids in full time school mainly. I've just called the nursery he went to and they can have him 2 half days but they don't do pick ups. As I don't drive yet it's a problem for me leaving work to get him at 12pm to take him to nursery. The whole round trip will only take about 20 minutes and all of the lovely girls I work with have offerred to take me. How nice is that?

That is very kind of them northerner. Also I suggest you start getting friendly at the school gates. Arrange a few play dates and hope you make friends with some of the Mums. It can be a real life line.

Northener - your mil stirs the pot because she is jealous of you and sil relationship. My mil does this all of the time with dh's sisters. She talks about one to the other and then tells them what the other has said. They both argue and my mil seems to get some kind of kick out of being the one in the middle. I think it is her way of getting attention. She also tries to do it with my dh and his brother but it does not work and they are awake to what she is doing. Sounds like your mil is the same. And how dare she judge your parents for living on a council estate when she is living in someone else's bloody house!! Bet she wouldn't have much to say if she ended up living in a mobile home. You need to set some ground rules with your sil to avoid the "3 weekends" situation in the future and agree to open communication so that your mil won't have a chance to do this again. It would be a shame to miss out on evening's out etc because your mil gets her own way. And fwiw everyone whinges about family at some point, it is your god given right!!!

northener, where ar you!
ask on here for Cm or something..or even see if theres a local after school club that can help in short term..i wont go into your 'meeting' shes so self important and nothing will prob change that so youd be wasting you breath..MIL..arrrgghhh for you..steer clear.
hope things get sorted

Well summed up mymama. My mother does this too and I agree it is her way of getting attention - she hates being left out and likes to be Queen Bee in the middle of everything. I also thinks she likes playing us off and getting us siblings to fight each other so that she is the one being loved by everyone. It has just backfired on my mother and sounds like it has now just backfired on your MIL, Northener.

At least your SIL (even though she has taken you for granted) is willing to say directly to you how she feels. I am so sick of this backstabbing type of behaviour. Your MIL is the one who needs to grow up and stop stirring things up like a schoolgirl and letting you take the rap for it.

Quick update.

Have arranged for ds to go back to his old nursery for 2 afternoons a week, so child care is sorted. Have to pay, but I feel it is best all round.

Have rung MIL to say this, felt sick making the call. It was very quick, she accepted my reasons and we both mentioned this has been a shit week for everyone. She didn't ask how I was, and didn't say I was being silly and she does want to help/see ds etc.

Lesft message for SIL so she is aware. Don't know where to go from here, or if we will ever as a family be the same again and that makes me feel if I'm honest.

Think MIL's reaction says alot tbh Northerner.

It is but is for the best. How does DH feel about the last few days ?

Have skimmed the thread so may be repeating some advice here, but ime the SIL/MIL will be the ones who will come crawling back for help and support eventually.
I actually think you're in a position of relative power here Northerner baecause once you're childcare is arranged (hassle I know) you have no ties to them at all, other than your Dh obviously.
Your MIL will get sick of the constant requests for help in babysitting etc, and your SIL will get sick of MIL too. Leave them to each other and distance yourself from them until they contact you.
When my sister gets on my nerves we sometimes won't speak for weeks, but I'm more than happy about that tbh, then when she does ring I'm not angry at all towards her.
If my MIL pisses me off I tend to avoid her for a couple of visits and make Dh go with the kids on his own. I find this avoids the fight you've just been involved in and lets all parties know I'm sick of them.
You'd be surprised how nice they'll be when you don't make the first move. Puts people on the back foot and you will be stronger for it.

Make them run Northerner.

Of course it makes you feel because you are a nice person with a heart and didn't invite any of this, but these things do happen sometimes. Something very similar has happened in my family and it feels a bit like being in a car crash, because it is all so unexpected and sudden.

Your MIL is probably just feeling very hurt about it all, even though it seems quite clear she has caused it, but because she is not in touch with her feelings and honest enough with herself she is looking to put the blame somewehere else. She is not able to ask how you are because her own stuff is getting in the way.

My mum, like your MIL, has been stirring things between all family members for years and it has just jumped up and bit her on the nose. She has gone into a similarly wounded position and dumped the blame on me. I find that people who behave like your MIL (and my mum)usually do it because they want attention but can't directly ask for anything (hence the talking behind people's backs) and so they are not likely to stand up and admit it was their fault when the s**t hits the fan.

Things probably won't be the same again but hopefully you will at some point reach a new level of understanding - it sounds like you all really care about each other, but you have been caught up in a bit of a family game which you now need to step out of with dignity and grace.

I do feel for you. I have lost my mum, brother and sister because I no longer want to play their game. But I hope in the future sometime we may be able to meet on a different level.

Thanks guys. I'm trying to get with things, but this sinking feeling is at the back of my mind and has been all week. I can't beleive this has happenned.

Dh is feeling mostly anger now at his mum and SIL and how we are being portrayed as bad guys here.

We have a family function to go to next month with BIL/SIL where we will be sitting on the same table.

Thanks for your lovely comments, and sorry to hear that you pages are experiencing somehing similar.

Northerner, I have been having that sinking feeling on and off for the last week or two but have felt great the last couple of days...it will pass. It's all just a bit fresh. Cross the bridge with the function thing when you get to it - it is a month away and things may have settled by then. I would in the meantime not get drawn into anymore conversations about this, and pull back from them as others have advised.