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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

For those who have followed my SIL threads, things have gotten a whole lot worse and I am so upset...

167 replies

Northerner · 19/09/2006 14:45

Deep breath.

So SIL asks me to ahve her kids 3 weekends in a row for sleepover, I say no, we'll do 2. 3 is too many.

She gets upset and speaks to MIL. MIL tells me SIL is upset. I am cross, MIL tells me to let SIL calm down.

Have spoken to SIL today who has called a meeting for me and her at her house tonight as she is upset and dissapointed in things I have been saying to MIL about her. What MIL has told her God only knows. Yes I have moaned about her in the past, but so has MIL, so why has she been stirring the s**t?

Have phone MIl she denied all knowledge and called us silly little girls, said she's sick of being in the middle and 'she'll see me around sometime'

I am so upset at work, and now have to face my SIL at her house tonight.

What a F**k up.

OP posts:
SSSandy · 19/09/2006 15:31

Northerner she sounds like no big loss. Just be nice to the kids and what can she do but look like a king-sized A* if she responds badly.

A friend once gave me the advice to a write a letter to the person I'm going to speak to. It is good advice. It helps you really formulate your thoughts and then you're in a much better position to put your side across when you do speak to her. I'm not suggesting you SHOW her the letter, it's just a tool for preparing yourself.

oliveoil · 19/09/2006 15:35

well if you are insisting on going and ignoring our advice , I insist you remain adult and don't do any "you said, she said" stuff.

And no alcohol as this may loosen your tongue, and hers for that matter.

Try to get to the bottom of it, there seems more to this than meets the eye.

I still blame the MIL, are you sure she is not enjoying the squabbling of the 2 women that 'stole' her boys???

Bozza · 19/09/2006 15:35

Agree with twig on this one. It can still be quite difficult to do if you are generally not a very assertive person. Although sandy's idea of writing it down might help to prepare you.

FoghornLeghorn · 19/09/2006 15:36

Don't envy you Northerner - I have a SIL just like this. Whoever, thought of the concept on in-laws deserves shooting.

Good Luck for tonight.

catsmother · 19/09/2006 15:43

God Northerner the selfish cow should be bloody grateful you graciously agreed to look after all their kids 2 weekends in a row, not start having a tantrum because you wouldn't do the 3rd FFS!

(never mind all the previous occasions).

"Disppointed in you" - how patronising.

And summoning you to her house like she's the lady of the manor and you're the maid or something.

I know you say you've agreed to go but frankly, I would call, not get into a conversation with her, tell her you've changed your mind about coming over and that you will write to her shortly.

Get back in that driving seat ! ....... how dare she be laying down the law when you've already bent over backwards for her so many times.

Then you write a very calm, mature and articulate letter to her expressing regret at the fallout. Explain that you don't mind being asked to babysit but you reserve the right to say no at any time as you also have your own life to lead. Apologise for anything you "may have inadvertently shared with MIL which has caused offence" and state "this was never your intention, however, you do not wish to become embroiled in a "who said what"-type of argument with her". For the sake of family harmony, tell her you hope this "misunderstanding" can be put behind you.

That way - she can't interrupt, she can't shout you down, she can't make you cry, it won't degenerate into a telling-off or resume of your "disappointing" faults. Instead, she will have to read your letter and you will have been able to get your POV across ...... in a dignified and "moral-highground" stylee.

Send a copy to MIL, so there's no doubt that you didn't send SIL a "nasty" letter.

It's then up to her how she chooses to respond - hopefully, she'll "agree" to "forget" the "misunderstanding" (Yes, I know she's a spoilt cow but you can't go down that route, unfortunately, if you do want to protect the brothers' relationship). If she carries on ranting and raving, I think you would then be justified in ignoring the silly bitch, SIL or not.

Northerner · 19/09/2006 16:07

Thnaks guys. Mn is fab

I feel I have to go tonight, backing out now is not an option. I will defend my corner and I will not let her bully me. If she is upset about some things I have said to MIL, I'll just have to take it and own up. However I do feel MIL will have exagerated and made things sound worse, and will have ommitted in telling her she has always agreed with me.

Dh has said not to worry about his relationship with his bro, they are big enough to deal with that between themselves.

If she thinks I'll be a gibbering wreck tonight she has another thing coming...

OP posts:
Bozza · 19/09/2006 16:10

Good on you, northerner. Might still be worth making sure you have your thoughts in order, though.

FioFio · 19/09/2006 16:13

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heavenis · 19/09/2006 16:16

Give to her her with both barrels. God I hate people like that who thinks everyone owes them something. How often does she have your children two weekends in a row.
Go girl.

SoupDragon · 19/09/2006 16:19

"But I know loads of stuff that MIL has told me about them that they are unaware I know. I may well just put teh cat among the pigeons here"

No, Don't! For a start it will land your MIL in it and that's not fair on her. You don't know what your MIL has said to her so leave her out of it. It could be that yout SIL has put 2 and 2 together and worked out that you've been bitching about her with your MIL. Which you have really, however justified your moans about her are. Can't say I blam your MIL for being sick of being in the middle because both of you are behaving like silly girls

However, your SIL was being "greedy" in wanting you to have her children for 3 weekends in a row. Asking you to do it is one thing, expecting it is another and out of order. In order to keep the peace (and you do have to live with her in your life) I'd say that you are more than happy to have her children to stay over but you really can't manage that many weekends in a row. No bitching abot how often you've had them, how they take the p*ss with their babysitting arrangements etc etc, just calm and collected.

FWIW, I wouldn't make any comment about being "summoned" for a meeting. You say "I do like my SIL, we have been quite close in other areas." so do you want to regain/maintain this closeness or not? If you do, say how lovely it is to have the opportunity to clear the air over this misunderstanding as you don't want to lose her friendship. If you don't, tell her to f-off

cod · 19/09/2006 16:20

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Freckle · 19/09/2006 16:23

Can you not go over to hers in a state of bemused amusement, as in "what on earth is all the fuss about? If you listen to MIL you'd think the two of us had fallen out or something."?

I'd have a get out as in, you need to leave in half an hour as you don't have an obliging SIL to take your kids for you whenever you need .

She does sound like a bit of a prima donna. Take deep calm breaths, ask what the problem is and lay the blame on MIL for shit-stirring - after all why did she tell you SIL had been moaning about you??

Katiebel · 19/09/2006 16:23

HI Northerner

Gosh.

Take round a bottle of wine - looks like you're being nice, even though you are v v pissed off (understandable)

How about going & looking all concerned & asking if everything is OK. Tell her you're worried about them & ask if the 2 of them are OK - do they need all this time together to sort something out. Be dead meek & kind. Explain that you're sorry but just can't face a houseful 3 weekends in a row. Explain that neither of you can afford for MIL to come between you & all mums need a friend they can rely on & you need each other & will do in the future.

She may burst into tears & spill some beans. It sounds suss to me. If she does play it by ear but don't be a martyr.

If not - then keep your distance. You didn't mean any of it but at least have settled things down. Always be prepared with an excuse why you can't have the kids - if you do make sure you book a time for her to have yours BEFORE you're due to have hers. If she lets you down you won't feel bad letting her down. Then at least you're getting to quid pro quo.

Be friendly but a bit cool - she needs to do some work here. Stay as calm as you can - you need to win this & feel in control.

Remember you're at her house - you can leave when you want which is a big bonus.

Good luck

Northerner · 19/09/2006 16:31

I can totally deal with losing her friendship. It's always been her way or no way, and I'm sick of it tbh.

Yes I have moaned about her, as have alot of other family members, she's probably moaned about me. MIL is the worst contender here. Their relationship is much more complicated due to them owning her house as she could not afford the mortgage. MIL feels she has to say yes to them and moans to me.

After SIL I'll tackle MIL.

OP posts:
catsmother · 19/09/2006 16:33

Well, however it turns out, good luck and let us know.

It sounds like you're living amongst a nest of vipers one way and another.

Northerner · 19/09/2006 16:34

No Cod I don't have to have her kids at all, but we just always have done.

OP posts:
cod · 19/09/2006 16:34

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cod · 19/09/2006 16:35

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Northerner · 19/09/2006 16:35

Yes she has my ds, but not as much. We do not have as much money as them or as many holidays!!!

OP posts:
cod · 19/09/2006 16:36

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FioFio · 19/09/2006 16:36

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Northerner · 19/09/2006 16:38

I have said no and wanted to be honest why. I always do it and moan, so thought I'd just say no. And since Thursday night when I said no, all hell as broken loose.

She now has ammo from MIL to make me look bad and to make me apologise.

I have done no work at all today. Good job my boss isn't here!

OP posts:
Mercy · 19/09/2006 16:38

She's acting more like an MIL rather than an SIL by the sounds of things ( very like my MIL actually!).

She obviously thinks she's got a hold over your MIL, and the rest of the family. What's her dh like?

My initial reaction was to say don't go, but it may be best to clear the air - maybe once and for all.

No advice but wanted to wish you luck for this evening!

CountessDracula · 19/09/2006 16:39

Northerner just say to her "why exactly do you feel you have the right to use me as your unpaid babysitter 3 weekends in a row, do you not think I have a life too?"

She sounds mad and very controlling

FioFio · 19/09/2006 16:40

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