Hand holding required. Oh lost it just now. I was really scared

[Funnyfishface]

Football season started today so he went off this morning at 11 for pre drinks - came home at 10 drunk

I had been out this afternoon to meet a girl friend for coffee.
I hadn't told him
He said have u been out and I said yes to meet friend.
He went absolutely mad
He through his plate and food across the room.
Told me he fucking hates me
I'm a fucking liar

Omg I am shaking. He went to the toilet so I put shoes on and got in the car.

I have nowhere to go
I phoned him and said I'm terrified and he's drunk. He said I was being silly and he was in bed anyway.

I am crying
And shaking
I actually thought he was going to throw his mug of tea at me

Get the solicitor's advice. Take stock of your finances and make your plan.

I think the counselor was trying to be 'neutral' but ended up either not understanding or ignoring the fact that you are DONE. I understand it's their job to help the couple stay together, but when one partner isn't interested in staying together it needs to be acknowledged, not treated as 'a possibility'.

IMHO, now that you know the counselor will be of no help and your H is in denial about your feelings, stop talking about leaving. I know I sound like a broken record but stop talking about it. Avoid him as much as you possibly can without raising suspicion. 'Be nice' (gag) and keep him off guard. It killed me to 'be nice' to my abusive ex until I had my ducks in a row but it was worth it in the end. To be able to stand at my front door (knowing I was fully backed up by our landlady) and point to his packed bags on the drive and tell him that he was NOT coming back inside and that the locks had been changed. Worth it x infinity!

Thank you for your replies.
Thank god for my job. Whilst I am there I am so busy I don't have time to think about anything else.

So now he is being ultra nice. Surprise surprise.
I'm darling today - I was effing c**t on saturday
I am struggling to be honest.
He actually said in the counselling yesterday that he was a bit of a Jekyll and Hyde character. - you don't say!!
I'm not sleeping.

My solicitors appointment isn't until next wed.
It seems like a life time away.

The boys are being very protective. I don't bad mouth him to them. But they have seen for themselves.
They are worried that I end up being bad with the anxiety again. It's taken a year to build myself back up. This time last year I was at rock bottom and couldn't leave the house the anxiety and panic attacks were so bad.
Now I have a job I love. And I'm getting stronger.
I can feel this is pulling me back and I'm determined not to. But it's such a battle.
I am still on ads for anxiety.

Actually I'm more anxious when he's being nice. I can feel him watching me all the time. Checking what I'm doing. Are you ok darling. Can I get you anything .... Etc

Normally he is sighing, slamming around.
God it's all such a mess.
I need to get from a to c without going through b. it terrifies me.
My decision hasn't changed. I just don't know how I'm going to get there. I suppose solicitors appointment is first hurdle.

Keep posting your thoughts - it really helps. Xx

Hi OP, I really feel for you.

Now that you've clearly made your decision about where the future lies, is it an option to move out and rent a small flat for yourself. In due time the house needs to be sold and proceeds split but, as long as you live with him, your going to be a nervous wreck.

Your sons sound amazing but, as long as you live with OH you're going to be tense and fraught - you need a clean break.

Can you go somewhere OP? Even if just staying with a friend for a few days. Sounds like you need some mental space.

Thank you.
I can't go anywhere - I have my job.
We are already short staffed because of school hols.
I have volunteered to work Saturday.

For now I just have to sit tight.

Struggling today.
H sending me text messages saying how much he loves me and how sorry he is.
I'm the only person he has ever loved.
He still fancies me.

It makes me feel anxious.
He is trying to be nice.

Please keep reminding me I'm doing the right thing.
In my heart I know I am

You're doing the right thing.

You know this is an act. Please leave. It's the greatest release you can imagine. Please, please leave. You deserve a life free from fear and anxiety.

Are you able to do deep breathing exercises? Have you talked to your GP lately? If you trust her/him and can unburden yourself it might help.

In the meantime, inhale lifting your shoulders toward your ears, taking 3 slow counts to raise them.
Exhale and just let your shoulders fall.
Give into gravity. Then repeat 5 times.

You are doing the right thing.

This has been going on for a long time and it's escalating. You have been in counselling for a year - you have tried your bloody best, but it's beyond repair. HE is beyond repair. It is not your fault, you have tried. It is time to see that you have to get yourself out of there.

Do you remember how absolutely terrified you were? Understandably terrified - petrified of the man who you should be able to feel safe with.

You were so scared you asked your youngest DS to come home and not stay at his friends - he's not always going to be there.

Your eldest DS was cross you hadn't phoned him and said 'this is DV Mum, you don't have to put up with it (and some stuff about his father not being right and being a dickhead'.

You had already, before this violent incident, made a solicitors appointment. You know this is the right thing.

If you are in any doubt re-read your posts - imagine you had a daughter, imagine her saying that to you. What would you want her to do?

The best thing you can do to protect your boys is to leave. THEY are scared of how being with their father is going to affect you. They are scared you will end up being as bad as you were last year. Be strong, do the right thing for them and more importantly (as they're grown men, not babies) do the right thing for YOU and it's not staying with him. He's playing you - don't let him. If he gets away with this this time, it will get worse.

You went out for coffee with a friend in the middle of the day.

Oh and I meant to ask - is there any particular reason you are having to wait until next week to see a solicitor? What is so special about this one that it's worth waiting another whole week?

You are definitely doing the right thing.

I have been there. The niceness, the promises, the regret. Only to suddenly change as soon as he felt he was in control again.

Keep strong.
And keep breathing.

You ARE doing the right thing, you CAN do this, you say you can't go stay anywhere else because of your job, but staying elsewhere dies t have to mean not going to work, just travelling there from somewhere different, somewhere you can feel safe, can rest without looking over your shoulder worry what he's going to do next, somewhere that won't make your anxiety worse? Be kind to yourself, we're all thinking of you and sending support x

Thank you all.

It really does help.

I'm breathing. I have lots of friends and family in RL that are very supportive.
I need to teleport myself out the other side.

No nothing special about this solicitor. But I followed the advice on here and went to a particular site to get one that has lots of experience. I only have a wed off so this was the first appointment.
I walk to work now. And I don't want to jeopardise my position by leaving my home until I have advice.
It's only a week away. I'm sure it will be fine.

He's blowing smoke up your skirt. All his 'making nice' is only temporary and only until he thinks he has you 'convinced' that it'll never happen again. But it will, and you know that. He's shown in counseling that he is in denial about his abusiveness and tried to put the blame squarely on you.

Yes, 'he loves you', but it is an unhealthy, selfish love.

Yes, 'he's sorry', he's sorry you decided not to put up with it anymore!

Yes, 'he fancies you', because you've let him get away with abusive behaviour (in the past).

So you see, all his outpourings of love, fancying, & sorrow are still all about HIM, not you. If it were about you he would be saying 'I don't deserve you after what I've done. You are right to leave. I will try to make myself a better man by seeking professional help for my abusive behaviour'.

If he had shown one iota of acknowledgement of his abuse, remorse without 'but she…' as part of it, and had asked for help to stop being abusive maybe I'd be saying to give it a try. But he has done NONE of those things. NOT ONE.

Move ahead, move out. Keep in the back of your mind (if it helps) that if he truly wants to change he can change just as well with you living elsewhere. But he doesn't. He just wants to keep the 'status quo' because it's comfortable for him. You deserve so much, much more than he is offering you.

It's been a very difficult week for me.

It was our wedding anniv this week 24 years together. He didn't remember which made it easier as I didn't have to go out for dinner etc.

Solicitors this week.
My anxiety has been through the roof which seems to aggregate him. As if I am being anxious on purpose.

Any advice on what questions I need to be asking the solicitor as my brain has turned to mush.

I'm struggling to sleep, yet am shattered. Work tomorrow then solicitors wed.

Do I tell the solicitor about EA and being scared?

I have been following your story Funnyfish. I would imagine that you tell your solicitor everything.

I hope you get many questions answered. Stay strong.

Aggravate ** not aggregate -

Thanks Bally - I hope so 2. I have that awful nervous tummy.

You tell him all that you've said here and whatever else there is.
That the throws things, how controlled you feel and so on.

What to ask: how to safely separate - talk about injunctions if necessary (don't forget NCDV if necessary). The financial aspects. How much he expects it to cost; about legal aid as he is abusive.

Yes funny, be completely honest with the solicitor. They may not need the gory details, but you should tell him/her that your H has been emotionally abusive and that you are scared of him. They may be able to guide you to organizations that may be able to help you. They also can advise you about the legalities/ways of getting him to leave the family home based on his behaviour, if that is a possibility.

If you are able to, draw up a list of questions as well as a list of income/assets/liabilities. It can help you use your time wisely. Focus on issues and questions rather than describing incidents.

Things will be ok. You will get through this.

Thank you for your support.

Please keep posting and holding my hand. I don't know how I'm going to get through the next few weeks

You will though Funny, you will get through it and be stronger and happier for it. You can't stay with a man like that. I've just left an EA relationship and the RELIEF! It's incredible.
Stay strong darling and focus on good times ahead xxx