Hand holding required. Oh lost it just now. I was really scared

[Funnyfishface]

Football season started today so he went off this morning at 11 for pre drinks - came home at 10 drunk

I had been out this afternoon to meet a girl friend for coffee.
I hadn't told him
He said have u been out and I said yes to meet friend.
He went absolutely mad
He through his plate and food across the room.
Told me he fucking hates me
I'm a fucking liar

Omg I am shaking. He went to the toilet so I put shoes on and got in the car.

I have nowhere to go
I phoned him and said I'm terrified and he's drunk. He said I was being silly and he was in bed anyway.

I am crying
And shaking
I actually thought he was going to throw his mug of tea at me

I can imagine you never lose that sense of wanting to protect them even as adults.

My prayers are with you, Funny. Since your eldest is a policeman he will be an invaluable resource to you. Listen to him as you make your preparations.

I agree that at this point you need to stop talking on your own to your H about any future plans. He isn't listening to you anyway. Move quietly and swiftly towards your future.

Of course he doesn't want to separate, why should he? He has no complaints about the way you treat him, does he? And he can't see that his treatment of you is wrong. Go ahead and use the counselor to help convince him that you are serious about separation. But do that only once you have a definite exit plan in place. It is never a good idea to linger in the same home once you have convinced an abusive partner that you are leaving.

I'm at work today and am so tired - I don't know how I'm going to get through.
H is living on another planet - he's being mr nice guy. Making arrangements for us to do things next weekend with his family. Calling me darling. Trying to cuddle me.
No no no
I'm too emotional and just want to cry.
Yes I feel sorry fir him
But I'm also strong
And when you have hit rick bottom with anxiety and panic attacks as I did last year, I know about self preservation. And that is what I have to keep reminding myself.
I cannot continue in this relationship. I know that he won't change.

To hear my son say - mum this is DV and abuse and his dad is a dick who isn't mentally all there breaks my heart.
My boys want to protect me
I have to protect myself.

Thank you for helping me get through the weekend x

Morning, coffee is your friend today!

Do you have a friend you can confide in? Maybe do that after work.

He will make you feel sorry for him. This is the unreal him, he may realise he is losing his grip on you, so ramps up the niceness. If you decided to give it one last chance the normal husband would return.

I am glad your ds is a policeman, he will have seen this before.

You are doing very well.

43 - thank you

Thanks hesterton I am 47.

He knows he's blown it and things have gone too far.
I'm 47 and have a 3 yr old and very fulfilling life so don't let age matter.
I left my abuser at 20 with two small chikdren
Prior to that, like you I was an anxious wreck of a woman.
I look back now and remember even at such a young age not caring what I wore or how I looked. I was just so driven by pleasing him and stopping him flaring up that I had no life of my own.
How dare he try to gloss over his behaviour and your feelings by trying to book holidays and make plans, I'd have more respect for him if he'd addressed his actions.
Hope you get through work today x

I hope you're okay today OP.

Stay strong and please don't fall for any of his charms. Listen to your eldest son, have your phone on you and charged at all times and make sure you have a bag with keys, money etc. in it in case you need to leave quickly.

Glad you'd already fixed up a solicitor's appointment. Mention this Saturday's event to her/him.

Knowing you are on anxiety meds your H reacted all out of proportion - roared at you and threw things to scare you. Now he's back-pedalling. Your sons can see him for what he is. Yes you spent years with your H and have two wonderful children - well adults - to show for it. But that relationship has run its course. And if you wish to call it a day he can't strop like a child and tell you it's not over.

Hello! Hopefully you have nearly finished your working day now, keep strong funny.

Thank you for your replies.

So the counselling wasn't very helpful.
He told her there was an issue on Saturday that got out of hand. And that he wasn't very proud of himself.
So I told her exactly what had happened including the names he called me.

She told him that this wasn't acceptable. What could we do WHEN it happens again to stop it escalating.
He said that I abused him when I called him a dick head last week!!

I told her that I had said to him we would be better off apart with no contact.
She said that is something we should consider.

He doesn't want to consider it. He wants to try and speak to each other nicely. .??

I know he's doing the control thing. Putting the blame on me.
I'm still feeling strong.
Only I know I'm in a vulnerable position now.
I will see what advice the solicitor gives me.
Sons continue to be fantastic

OP - I'm glad that you are retaining your strength, you will need it over the coming weeks and months.

A Counselor can only make general "non-committal" comments on what you say.

For her to turn round and say "Yes, LTB" would have been unprofessional so, having made your mind up about what you want, you need to put plans in motion.

Your sons sound fantastic and I'm so pleased that you have someone there, in RL, for you.

Talk to a solicitor and build a barrier against the cajoling that is going to come from your husband. It sounds like he's starting to realize what he's about to lose - and he's getting scared.

Stay strong and focus on one day at a time.

Your counsellor is trying to find a solution to help you move forward, yet you want to move out. She should have clearly stated that his behaviour was out of order, or maybe she's not allowed to, I don't know. But she's clearly not helping you.

Get your financial advice and make plans to leave ASAP. I know it's scary and hard to do, but next time he could really hurt you. Your son s a policeman who probably see this all the time at work and he as told you that it's DV.

You have a right to live your life without being in fear and to be able to ave a coffee with a friend.

Keep posting on here for support

Good on you for telling people, your sons and the counsellor. Secrecy gives abusers strength.

You are being very strong in not letting this go.

I hope the meeting with the solicitor goes well. Remember that you can get further support from WA and from NCDV should you need it (NCDV if you can't get to your solicitor in an emergency).

And do keep in mind that he can only decide for himself. He can't decide for you what happens. If you want to have no contact with him, you are entitled to it and you can enforce it legally.

Just a note of caution. Although your children are on your side, they will never be able to be 100% for you, as it's their father and they do love him, presumably. You shouldn't ask them to chose sides, even being adults, and they may not be able to give you the support you need. You do need people that are completely independent of him.

The same with your counsellor, as she is for both of you. And she should have stopped it as soon as his abuse emerged. Time to drop her.

Delurking to say stay strong Funny. I don't have any helpful advice so will leave it at that. Best for the solicitors meeting. Lots of hands here if you need them.

Funny, been following your posts, I just want to wish you the best of everything. Stay strong, you can do this.

Just popping in before bed to see how you're doing and to send you warm thoughts. Keep in being strong, dump that counsellor as she's not doing her job properly by continuing to see you together when knows abuse is happening. Stay safe and hope you get some good rest tonight to see you through the next few hard days x

Your counsellor is doing more harm than good. Honestly you should make a complaint about her, she is raising the risk for you by continuing to see you both together.
You don't need his permission to end it.

I am aghast that this counsellor is still seeing you together. I think she needs some retraining. She is raising the stakes every time she makes a comment in your defence in front of him (by giving him ammunition to take out on you later) and every time she makes a comment in defence of him in front of you (supporting his abuse)

Bloody terrible idea all around

That counsellor gives me the shivers! She is potentially adding to the danger for you or anyone else in a similar situation whose abuser uses her statements to justify their abuse.

You are amazing for being so strong, Funnyfish. I hope the appointment with the solicitor goes well and you will soon be enjoying a peaceful new life without him in your home. Good for you and your wonderful sons!

What could we do WHEN it happens again to stop it escalating.

Am glad this is your last session with her as I can't believe what she said!

How are you today? x

^I told her that I had said to him we would be better off apart with no contact.
She said that is something we should consider^.

Er, something you can consider and act upon if you wish. It isn't compulsory to stay in an increasingly difficult situation.

Was it today you were seeing the solicitor?
Thinking of you .i